Prank calls

It's no secret that the Chandler home gets many prank calls, thanks to Chris's e-fame and the fact he actually revealed his phone number to the entire Internet. Multiple times. However, many of the brave souls that call the Chandler home record their calls and upload them to YouTube, providing an insight into the Chandlers' thoughts.

DPF phonecalls

Part 1

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Transcript

Chris: Hello?
Jynx: Hel-(cut off by static)
Jack: Hi I'm *inaudible*
Chris: I'm sorry what?
Jynx: Good evening.
Chris: Yeah, good evening.
Jynx: We tried to conta-well I tried to contact you earlier, I wanted to ask permission to use something of yours. A character of yours.
Chris: I see.
Jynx: I, um, I own a comic called Marty-Bob, right? It's pretty popular. It's based off the series Negima, you may have heard of it. Have you?
Chris: Uh, no. I have not.
Jynx: Well, as you know, I am English, and it's rather popular over here, right? And your character, being pretty popular in England as well, um, I wanted to see if I could use him just as a cameo to say hi to Marty-Bob.
Chris: Mmm.
Jynx: Well I-*cut off by Chris*
Chris: Well, I give you, I give you permission to use my c-, use my Sonichu as a as a, in a cameo appearance in there, just make sure you reference me and the CWCipedia.
Jack: We'll, we'll do that sir.
Jynx: We'll link and everything and give credit to you *Text comes up reading 'Sonichu can come up and give Marty-Bob a handshake and then Marty-Bob can meet'* Sonichu and say he's awesome.
Chris: Yeah okay, that's fine.
Jack: Also, I was wondering, I have a character I'd like to audition for you, for your Sonichu comic.
Chris: I see. Hmm.
Jack: His, his name is Poliochu, he has Polio, he's like the uh, clone of FDR and he has Polio, so he needs a wheelchair.
Chris: I see, hmm, well you can send me a drawing of it, to my e-mail address or to the mailbag on the CWCipedia and I'll uh, I'll look at-I'll look the character over.
Jynx: Will you look at 'em all of your e-mails?
Chris: Yeah, I'll look at the e-mails.
Jynx: Okay that's good.
Jack: That's good, that's good. Also, um, are you getting those dastardly trolls? I mean, they're just so mean.
Chris: Yes they are mean.
Jynx: I liked your recent video where you spoke French or s-*static pause*
Chris: *cutting in* Spanish.
Jynx: You taught me how to say it it was like illis zububolis or something.
Jack: What does that mean anyway what you said in Spanish?
Chris: Mmm, yeah th- the meaning escapes me at the moment, but it's pronounced "uhcrepsa etah y uhcinos evol.
Jack: Mhm.
Jynx: Chris, can I just say something?
Chris: Mhm?
Jynx: I'm your biggest fan; you're so awesome.
Chris: Thank you.
Jack: You do not deserve any of the bad treatment towards you like, Clyde Cash, he's just a jerk and whatever that guy who says he's you but like not as like, good looking.
Chris: Yeah.
Jynx: So what is Asperchu?
Chris: Okay, well Asperchu is not mine, it belongs to Alec Benson Leary and I have no connection to him whatsoever, except for him buying out the ad space and putting his ads onto th-*cuts out*
Jynx: What?
Jack: Why would he do that to you?
Chris: He's just being, he's just being mean and a jerk.
Jynx: I thought that um, you guys were having a meeting. That's what you said in your video.
Chris: Mmm, no I challenged him to come and meet- challenged him to come to Virginia so we can see who stacks up better here.
Jynx: Right.
Jack: Did Clyde Cash ever come to your house and try to fight you?
Chris: Mmm, people have come to my house, and uh, gone so-gone as far as to egg my house.
Jack: Egged? Your house has been egged?
Chris: Yeah.
Jynx: That's not very nice they're *inaudible*
Chris: Yeah.
Jynx: It's a waste of eggs.
Chris: Yeah.
Jack: Eggs are supposed to be eaten.
Chris: Yeah that's probably-
Jack: *cuts off Chris* They're made with french toast.
Chris: Yeah.
Jynx: I wanted to ask you a question.
Chris: Mhm?
Jynx: Y'know Magi-chan?
Chris: Yep.
Jynx: How come he's got -chan at the end of his name but not -chu?
Chris: It's a play off the word magician.
Jynx: I see. I didn't know that! That's pretty cool, I've learned something new today!
Chris: Yeah.
Jack: Yeah.
Jynx: But what's that, so his species name is Magi-chan?
Chris: Yeah.
Jynx: So, could I capture my own Magi-chan if it was in a pokémon game?
Chris: Hmm, not really. If I- if there was a pokémon game with all the Sonichu characters in there, you'd have to, uh, evolve it from a Sonee with a Moon Stone.
Jynx: Ah, I see.
Jack: Also I was wondering, uh, what is this A.D. Vision thing project you're making-you're going on talking about?
Chris: Ah, uh, oh, turns out tha-turns out I was fooled there, apparently A.D. Vison went ou-went out of business in September 2009. I did not realize that until recently.
Jynx: Oh, I got, I got to ask you a really important question.
Jack: Who is Ginger? We just want to know; we're confused about that.
Chris: She's a fan.
Jack: She's a fan?
Chris: Yeah.
Jynx: Like us?
Jack: *inaudible*
Chris: She talked to me recently.
Jack: Oh, where does she live?
Chris: Mmm, she lives in Florida.
Jack: Florida? That's-
Chris: *cuts in* Yeah.
Jack: Pretty f-pretty far a way aways man.
Chris: Well-
Jack: *cuts in* Around.
Chris: I wasn't doing anything lately, y'know?
Jynx: Chris!
Chris: Mhm?
Jynx: Could I ask your opinion on something?
Chris: Okay.
Jynx: It's something you haven't released information or anything and it's so important I wanna ask you this.
Chris: Mhm?
Jynx: Um, do you like Digimon?
Chris: Digimon's okay.
Jynx: But you think poké-
Jack: They're just a pretty ripoff of Pokémon right?
Chris: Mmm, yeah I would dare say it's sort of a ripoff.
Jynx: But, I, I like Digimon and I like Sonichu, because I'm awesome like that; that's how I roll.
Chris: Mkay. Alright, that's cool.
Jynx: Do you like Kermit the Frog?
Chris: 'Kay.
Jynx: Would you like to speak to Kermit the Frog?
Chris: No. I-
Jack: *cuts in* He has like the best voice of doing it though.
Jynx: Yeah, I-I'm pretty good.
Chris: Alright, I'll listen to your imitation of Kermit the Frog.
Jynx: Okay, here it is, ready? *Mimics Kermit the Frog* Hi there, Kermit the Frog here speaking to Chris-Chan, which is pretty cool.
Chris: Mmm.
Jynx: You like it?
Chris: It's okay...uh, *Mimics Kermit the Frog* *Inaudible mumbling in the voice* and sound like Kermit the Frog. Ladies and Gentlemen, *inaudible name* in the audience, yay!
Jynx: Oh, wow! That was good at the end! That was excellent!
Jack: Can you hear my- can you hear my Bill Cosby voice. Do you know Bill Cosby?
Chris: Yep.
Jack: Alright, here it is. *Mimics Bill Cosby* Hello Chris-Chan, with the bippin' and the boppin' and the hippin'. *Coughs*. God that hurt.
Chris: *Mimicking Bill Cosby* Mmm, that's pretty good, but I think *inaudible* and we could talk all day long! And we could do all the jibba jabba blibba blabba.
Jynx: Oh, uh, do you know who Cleveland Brown?
Chris: Yep. *Mimics Cleveland* Oh yeah, I know Cleveland Brown. Yeah I watch the Cleveland Show. *Attempts Cleveland's laugh*
Jynx: Oh, I like his laugh, it's like *mimics laugh*.
Jack: When are you going to do a Metal Gear Solid themed episode?
Chris: Uh, I'm sorry, I didn- I didn't understand the question.
Jack: When are you going to do a Metal Gear Solid themed comic ser-type of like, Sonichu?
Chris: Well uh, maybe later, but not right now.
Jack: Here, I could do, I could do I good Snake voice. Let's get into it. Listen.
Chris: Mkay.
Jack: *Mimicking Snake* Otacon, this is Snake. Where are we? *cough*
Jynx: Is that the one from Super Smash Brothers?
Jack: No.
Jynx: Is-have you ever played Super Smash Brothers, Chris?
Chris: Yep.
Jynx: Do you have a friend code for it?
Chris: Mmm, yeah, but it would be hard for me to get to it right now.
Jynx: Ah.
Jack: Ah okay.
Jynx: I would love to play you because I actually don't have Snake in Brawl yet. I don't know how to unlock him.
Chris: Mmm, uh, I'm sorry, you don't-uh, you're talking about the Snake character, unlocking him in Super Smash Brothers Brawl?
Jynx: Yeah.
Chris: Mmm, you could look, you could look up the answer how to unlock him on GameFAQs, G A M E F A Q S dot com.
Jynx: Chris, who do you use?
Jack: He uses Sonic of course.
Chris: Mmm.
Jynx: Do you know that if you hack the game, you could mix Pikachu's move with Sonic, and then you can make, like Sonichu in brawl?
Chris: Hmm, that's interesting.
Jynx: That'd be cool. I used to do that; I used to hack Brawl at one point.

*End of audio*

Part 2

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Transcript

Jack: Reggie Fils-Aime, I've always tried to talk with him, I've called Nintendo of America like a billion times asking to talk with him, he's like always busy.
Chris: Yeah, it turned out-it turned out between him and, uh, Sh-and, uh, Sh-
Jack: (cutting in) Shigeru Miyamoto?
Chris: Yeah. It turned out when I talked to them they turned out to be just trolls pretending to be them.
Jynx: Well, was that Clyde Cash again?
Chris: No, uh, another troll. Under Clyde Cash, I'm sure.
Jack: *mumbling* oh, oh. Have you seen "The Book of Eli" yet?
Chris: No, I have not.
Jack: You should go see it. Oh, there-here, my, uh, my little sister would like to talk to you.
Jynx: She's from Australia.
Jack: Yeah.
Girl: Is this really Sonichu? I'm really excited now!
Chris: (cutting in) Hello?
Girl: Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? I've been trying to talk with you for hours and hours now! Sonichu! Oh my god, I love this show! I love it, I love it, I love it!
Jack: (cutting in) she's just
Chris: (inaudible)
Girl: Shut up, shut up Jack, I'm talking! I'm so...oh, wow.
Jynx: Do you like Family Guy then?
Chris: Yeah, I mean, it's a good show.
Jynx: I have, do you know what my favorite Chris Chan video is? The one where you do the life in a day of Sonichu. That was great!
Chris: Yeah. Thank you.
Jynx: Yeah, I've-
Jack: (cutting in) Did you notice that Chris Mc-Chris McFarland-Seth McFarlane has put you in one of the episodes?
Chris: Uh. Sorry, I did not understand that.
Jack: Seth McFarlane, the creator of Family Guy, he put you in that one episode, where they did like, a Stephen King parody? He made Peter look just like you.
Chris: No, uh, (sound cut off) -like that.
Jynx: That's your shirt.
Girl: (speaking over Chris) Oh, I LOVE YOUUU!
Jack: (inaudible) -that you're famous though.
Chris: Hm... Indeed.
Jack: Are you ever gonna come to Anime Expo?
Chris: I might.
Jynx: Oh, what kind of anime do you like? Do you like, uh, Lucky Star? (inaudible) Naruto, Bleach? So many to choose from.
Girl: (cutting in) Oh, Anime, do you like Anime? I like Anime!
Jynx: Negime, Marty Bob? There's a whole list.
Chris: Yeah, I like a lot of anime, but I would say that I really like Excel Saga.
Jack: Excel Saga? Yeah, Nabushin's the best.
Jynx: I like (inaudible)
Jack: I don't even know what that is man.
Girl: [unintelligible], Ponies~.
Jack: [unintelligible]...(Over Chris) Me and Chris know what it's about.
Chris: Listen, I'm busy working on a this project right now.
Jack: Which project is it?
Chris: Oh it's some, uh... (static)
Jack: (Cutting off Chris) Is it like a video, or some sort of, like, game, or picture.
Chris: Yeah, it's a drawing, alright?
Jack: It's a drawing? Oh, oh, oh. Ok. Here's another Sonichu character, alright? His name is Hunter ThompsonChu... He's like, he's like a writer sort of Sonichu character, and he wears, like, um, what is it? Like, ah... Do you wa- Have you read or watched "Bleach" before?
Chris: Mm. Yeah.
Jack: You know that shopkeeper (audio fades) that hat, but a different color. And he wears, like, sunglasses. And he just, like, he types and he's just, like, a really crazy kooky character.
Chris: Alright, well, again, ya'know, send the pictures to the email or send it to the mailbag and I'll h- and I'll look at it.
Jack: (An unintelligible voice starts with Jack, then stops.) Great, and I'll go find Alec for you and I'll get him for you. I'll beat him up.
Girl: [Grainy and obnoxious] I HAVE A QUESTION!
Jynx: Chris, Chris, Chris, I wanna say something. (Mention our?) parody fandub in your next video.
Chris: Umm... I might.
Jack: We need the, um, We need the, um, We need the, uh, what is it?
Jynx: The Views.
Jack: Yeah, we need the views, please.
Jynx: And I've supported Sonichu for a long time, like, I've even posted fan-pictures on Youtube.
Jack: I'm even getting a tattoo, later tomorrow, of Sonichu, on my chest... Ultra Sonichu.
Chris: Well, I... Alight, it was nice talking to y'all but I gotta go.
Jack: Can we call you next time? Will you answer us?
Chris: Eh, I might.
Jack: Please, that would make my sister's day. Alright, Please?
Chris: Ok, hello.
Girl: Heeeeeeee. (Forced Giddiness) I have a question, I has a question, it (trails off). How long do you take drawring [sic] your pictures?
Chris: Uhh, Sometimes it can take me up to 2 or 3 hours.
Girl: Why?
Jack: You could have a drawing contest against Alec to see who's the better c-(cuts off)
Girl: I like drawing, too.
Jack: (cuts back in.) -drawings.
Girl: I like drawing... Can I draw pictures for Sonic-chan? I like drawring.[sic]
Chris: (Softly, unsure) ...yeah...
Jynx: Do you like, um, Wall-E?
Chris: Wally?
Jynx: Yeah.
Chris: I do not know what w- I do not know which Wally you're talking about.
Jynx: [simultaneously] The Pixar thing. / Eeeevaaa.
Jack: [simultaneously] The one with "WALL EEEEE and EVE" Eeevvaaa.
Chris: I've never heard of that.
Jynx: What's your favorite movie?
Chris: Mary Poppins.
Jynx: Mary Poppins?
Chris: Yeah.
Jynx: Is that the one with the dancing penguins?
Chris: Yeah.
Jynx: Is that your favorite animal?
Chris: No, pengu- No, not my favorite animal.
Jynx: What is your favorite animal?
Jack: Sonichu?
Chris: Not sure, I'm not sure at the moment. I, hey listen, I gotta go.
Jynx: Please, (???), We're your biggest fans!
Chris: Ok, thank you.
Girl: (Overtly Sensual) I really like Sonichu, too. Makes me feel... Good.

Jack: That was my sister, sorry.

Prank Call Collection

A collection of various prank calls made to the almighty Internet Lumberjack on a Sunday afternoon.

THAT IS MY VIDEO This video has been removed from YouTube and/or elsewhere by Jerkops, and requires immediate replacement.

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Transcript

Bob: Hello?
Chris the Hacker (soundboard): Yeah, how you doin'? My name is Chris, I'm from Boston.
Bob: Hello? I don't understand your conversation.
Chris the Hacker (soundboard): Would it be possible for me to get your name?
Bob: You called me.
Chris the Hacker (soundboard): Um, there's somebody playing games with the phone.
Bob: Nobody's playing games with the phone unless you are.
Chris the Hacker (soundboard): [speaking over Bob] We're connected to each other through a computer because somebody's sittin' in a room, hacking telephone numbers.
Bob: I beg your pardon? I'm just answerin' my telephone. [Inaudible] You called me. What the hell is on your mind, man?
Chris the Hacker (soundboard): [again, speaking over Bob] We're connected to each other through a computer because somebody's sittin' in a room, hacking telephone numbers.
Bob: I beg your pardon? What's on your mind? You called me, and now shut up or get off the phone or speak!
Chris the Hacker (soundboard): You're a narcissist. You've got a personality di-disorder. Did you know that?
Bob: I don't have a damn thing! You're the one that's a guh-guh-gutter creep [Inaudible] - that's just what you are.
Chris the Hacker (soundboard): [talking over Bob again] I know your weaknesses. I know your weaknesses.
Bob: Tell me what you want. I'm- I answered the phone, now tell me what you want. You rang my damn number.
Chris the Hacker (soundboard): You see, what you're doing is, you're burning up tens of thousands of dollars.
Bob: I ain't burnin' up nothin', fella. Now you tell me what the hell you want, or I'm gonna hang this phone up. I don't need your crap.
Chris the Hacker (soundboard): Sir, you've just threatened me. And I've got you recorded now. Now you've committed a felony.
Bob: That's good. I'm just gonna hang up if you don't tell me what you want.
Chris the Hacker (soundboard): Can you hear that stuff at the other end?
[redialed]
Bob: Hello?
Officer Martin (soundboard): Hello, I'm calling, this is Officer Martin from the sheriff's department. How can I help you this evening?
Bob: I beg your pardon? I didn't understand you.
Officer Martin (soundboard): Deputy Martin from the sheriff's department.
Bob: I still didn't understand you. [Inaudible] - speak distinctly.
Officer Martin (soundboard): [talking over Bob] I've already told you who I am. I've already told you who I am. This is sheriff's office. Deputy Martin from the sheriff's department.
Bob: I don't understand why you're callin' me.
Officer Martin (soundboard): I'm Deputy Martin from the sheriff's department.
Bob: What insurance department?
Officer Martin (soundboard): Well, you need to stop- to quit callin' here.
Bob: I beg your pardon?
Officer Martin (soundboard): I'm advising you to stop calling.
Bob: I didn't call you! You called me! What are- Who are you, and what's goin' on?
Officer Martin (soundboard): I'm here at Big Daddy's Pizza. I'm Deputy Martin from the sheriff's department.
Bob: Would you speak slowly and one syllable at a time so I can understand you?
Officer Martin (soundboard): Big Daddy's Pizza. I'm here at Big Daddy's Pizza.
Bob: You're mayor of Big Daddy's Pizza? Is that what you said?
Officer Martin (soundboard): No one's called ya.
Bob: I beg your pardon?
Officer Martin (soundboard): No one's called ya.
Bob: I can't understand you. You need to take a diction lesson.
[Barbara is heard in the background urging Bob on]
Officer Martin (soundboard): I'm gonna advise you now, this is the sheriff's department.
Bob: Are- are you the sheriff's department?
Officer Martin (soundboard): Yeah.
Bob: Good. Why did you call me?
Officer Martin (soundboard): No one's called ya.
Bob: No one's called me? Then why didn't my phone ring?
Officer Martin (soundboard): Well, you need to stop- to quit callin' here.
Bob: I didn't call you! Listen!
[call dropped; redialed]
Bob: [in the middle of a conversation with Barb]
Barbara: What's the phone number comin' in?
Bob: Nothin'.
Barbara: Well, hang up!
Bob: Hello?
Officer Martin (soundboard): Who is this?
Bob: Who the hell is this?
Officer Martin (soundboard): Hello, I'm calling, this is Officer Martin from the sheriff's department. How can I help you this evening?
Bob: [chuckling] I don't know, you can't help me. You're calling me.
Officer Martin (soundboard): Callin' you and cussin' you, OK? Why would I call you when I'm on the sheriff's department why would I call somebody and cuss them out?
Bob: I don't know.
Officer Martin (soundboard): Who is this?
Bob: Who is this? For cryin' in a bucket...
Officer Martin (soundboard): This is the sheriff's office. Deputy Martin from sheriff's department.
Bob: Well, insurance department of what?
Officer Martin (soundboard): Big Daddy's Pizza.
Bob: Big Daddy's Pizza. OK, Big Daddy. Will you please quit callin' me and leave my phone alone?
Officer Martin (soundboard): I'm advising you to stop calling.
[redialed]
Bob: Hello?
Frank Garrett (soundboard): Hello.
Bob: Why are you calling my phone?
Frank Garrett (soundboard): Now listen, you stupid son of a bitch, I've never called you before you god danged you...[interrupted] - pick about every third day to call me, so fuck you!
Bob: YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH! Don't call me again! Get down in your damn low-life gutter, okay?
Frank Garrett (soundboard): [interrupting] Hey, fuck you, you stupid cocksucker.
Bob: I don't play that. And don't call me again! You bastard!
Frank Garrett (soundboard): Fuck you.
Bob: Forget my number! Alright?
Frank Garrett (soundboard): Whatta ya need done?
[redialed]
Bob: Hello?
Frank Garrett (soundboard): Duncan Construction.
Bob: Hello?
Frank Garrett (soundboard): This is Frank Garrett.
Bob: This is who?
Frank Garrett (soundboard): This is Frank Garrett.
Bob: Well, Frank, what is on your mind?
Frank Garrett (soundboard): Hey, does your mama still got, uh, worms crawlin' out her pusshy?
Bob: What is on your mind, sir?
Frank Garrett (soundboard): Did they turn you out of your fuckin' cage again or what?
Bob: Listen, you motherfucker! Get off of my telephone and quit bothering' it! Okay?
Frank Garrett (soundboard): [interrupting] No.
Bob: Get down in your low-life gutter and stay there!
Frank Garrett (soundboard): No.
[redialed]
Bob: Hello?
Gay Florist (soundboard): Hello?
Bob: Yes, why are you calling my number?
Gay Florist (soundboard): I didn't call you.
Bob: Uhh, then, uhh, why are you speaking with me?
Gay Florist (soundboard): I have been called 15 times.
Bob: I beg your pardon?
Gay Florist (soundboard): Why are you callin' me every 3 minutes for?
Bob: I'm not calling you. I'm sitting here in my... living room, watching TV.
Gay Florist (soundboard): Why don't you get your brass balls and come up here buddy?
Bob: Well, I don't know who you are or where you are, but- and I don't really care! But you- I'll let you talk to my wife and you tell her why you're cussin' at me!
Gay Florist (soundboard): OK.
[Bob goes off to talk with Barb. Meanwhile, the troll holds back a laugh.]
Barbara: Hello!
Gay Florist (soundboard): Hello?
Barbara: Who are you calling?
Gay Florist (soundboard): I didn't call you.
Barbara: Well, you're fucked up somehow! Goodbye!
Gay Florist (soundboard): I'd bust your head wide open if I could see you.
[redialed]
Bob: Hello?
Depressed Guy (soundboard): Hello?
[somber music plays in the background]
Bob: Why are you callin' on me on a Sunday afternoon?
Depressed Guy (soundboard): I didn't call you, I'm just trying to go to sleep.
Bob: I wish you'd quit bothering my telephone, I'm trying to watch TV. I'm an 82 year old man, now cut it out!
Depressed Guy (soundboard): My fuckin' life's not doing too well right now, dude.
[call ends]

[music goes on for a while then fades out]

Failed Prank Call

In this video, a gaggle of trolls attempt to prank call Chris, yelling JULAYYYYY into the phone. Instead, they get Bob, who instantly realizes the prank and yells at the trolls.

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Transcript

Troll 1: [whispers insults at the time it's taking for someone to answer]
Bob: Hello?
Troll 1: JULAAAAY JULAAAAY JULAAAAY!
Bob: What the hell's that supposed to mean? That you're an idiot?
Troll 2: Whoa whoa whoa, are you Bob Chandler?
Bob: It doesn't matter who I am, who is this idiot I'm talking to on the other end?
Troll 2: Umm
Bob: You got some funny ass ideas about playing games of mind on the telephone don't you. Are you six years old or somethin'?

Troll 1: [unintelligible] We got his fucking dad. Shit.

Chris Calls Bob

In this video, a troll calls the Chandler home, using a soundboard of Chris-chan to prank the Chandler home. Note how Bob either recognizes that the call is a prank or he doesn't recognize his own son's voice; also, note that he has a caller ID phone.

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Transcript

Bob: Hello.
Chris (soundboard): Hello?
Bob: Why are you calling my phone?
Chris (soundboard): Good evening sir, how are you?
Bob: I'm fine, but you're wasting your time calling my phone, you know that?
Chris (soundboard): Don't say that.
Bob: Because it doesn- it doesn't make any noise. All it does is flash a light. So it really doesn't bother me, I just thought I would tell you that you're wasting your time
Chris (soundboard): Are you really at a 14 Branchland Court?
[Call likely cut - redialed]
Bob: I thought I told you, we don't answer any calls that have unknown names on them or unknown numbers.
Chris (soundboard): I did not mean to give off the impression of being-
[Redialed]
Chris (soundboard): I'm high-functionally autistic.
Bob: Hello?
Chris (soundboard): Hello!
Bob: Hello.
Chris (soundboard): Good evening sir, how are you?
Bob: I'm pretty good.
Chris (soundboard): I'm good!
Bob: Why do you bother to call this phone?
Chris (soundboard): Are you really at a 14 Branchland Court?
Bob: Yes, I am. Why do you bother to call this phone, because the phone doesn't ring.
Chris (soundboard): What the hell? Why are you- why have you started doing this in the first place, you little son of a bitch?
Barbara: Don't call us anymore.
Bob: Now don't, don't cuss at me, fella.
Chris (soundboard): Shut the hell up.
Bob: I'll start cussing at at you.
Chris (soundboard): You weak little son of a bitch!
Bob: Listen, fella. Kid. Whatever you dumbass is.
Barbara: [heard in the background] Hang up the phone!
Chris (soundboard): My name is Christian.
[more indistinct conversation in the background, "Hang up the phone!" etc.]
Bob: Well listen, listen. The phone doesn't ring, all it does is light a light, so you're not botherin' me and every once in a while I try and tell you people that you're wastin' your damn time. Okay, you're not botherin' us. So why the hell do you do-waste all that effort? Put it in to something con- constructive and creative.
Barbara: [interjects] Go to Haiti!
Bob: Yeah, go to Haiti and help those people, or go to hell, one or the other. [Chris soundboard says something simultaneously]
Chris (soundboard): Yes- Yes I agree with you, this is frustrating.

[Bob hangs up]

'Epic Crazy Lady' calls Bob

A troll using a soundboard of a super loud Fundamentalist yells at Bob over the phone, while Bob throws insults at her and makes comments on how he can't understand her, as she continues to get angrier.

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“	Listen boy, you get your black ass down in the gutter and stay there!	”
Bob

Transcript

Bob: Hello?
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): Hello.
Bob: Hello?
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): Who do you think you are?
Bob: Who are you?
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): I don't know who you are, but I tell you what, I live at 900 Collins Road. Why don't you bring yourself over here?
Bob: I beg your pardon, who do you think you're talking to?
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): Do you know that you're not supposed to talk that way?
Bob: Who are you?
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): You have got a issue problem. God forgive you.
Bob: I beg your pardon, who or what is...
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): [Interrupting] God needs to move in your life.
Bob: I beg your pardon. I can't even begin to understand what you're saying.
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): God needs to move in your life severely!
Bob: Why don't you quit dialing my number, and go somewhere and play a game with the gutter rats?
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): Bring yourself over here! I'll show you what's the matter! OK?
Bob: Why don't you come over here and I'll show you what's the matter?
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): Nine hundred Collins Road, bring yourself, buddy.
Bob: Hey, buddy. Listen, boy.
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): You ain't no man.
Bob: Listen, boy. You get your black ass down in the gutter and stay there. You understand?
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): I am the woman of the house, and you don't call me and ask me who my daddy is.
Bob: I don't know what you are, or who you are, and I don't really care. But you are invading my privacy, and you are cussing at me, and I don't like it.
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): Call my house and talk that way. I tell you what, why don't you call my husband, and tell my husband that?
Bob: I don't know who you are or who you think I am...
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): Yeah, that's what you are, a big old chicken.
Bob: Who do think I am?
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): God forgive you.
Bob: I wish that you knew what number you called, because I think you're calling the wrong number.
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): I ain't called your house. Who do you think you are, calling my house?
Bob: I didn't call your house, sir, ma'am...
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): [Interrupting] No, you are!
Bob: ...or whatever you are.
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): You ain't no man. I don't know who you are, but I tell you what, I live at 900 Collins Road. Why don't you bring yourself over here?
Bob: I'll let you talk to my wife, maybe she can talk some sense into your head.
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): Fine.
Bob: [In the background, Bob says something to Barbara about a "goddamn screwy woman." Barbara tells him: "Hang up on her. I ain't talkin' to nobody, this time of night. Hang it up."] You better check the number that you called, because you're not talking to anybody that you know.
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): I ain't called your house. Who do you think you are, calling my house?
Bob: I haven't called your house. I am the one who picked up the phone and said, "Hello."
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): You have got a issue problem.
Bob: [In the background, Barbara tells Bob to hang up because he's getting on her nerves.] I don't have an issue problem with anybody, but please quit calling my number.
Epic Crazy Lady (soundboard): [Unintelligible] bring yourself over here and I'll show you what a whooping is.
[Bob hangs up]
Harlem Barber: Barbershop
Bob (soundboard): You get your black ass in the gutter and stay there.
Harlem Barber: [Whistles]

Bob (soundboard): Hey, buddy.

Bob Calls Himself

In this one, Bob seems not to be able to recognize his own voice, and his view on trolls is the same as Chris's, "Internet people who persecute people". Also, Snorlax makes an appearance.

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“	I ain't got no black ass!	”
Barbara, at, Bob

Transcript

Bob: Hello?
Bob (soundboard): Hello?
Bob: Why are you calling me?
Bob (soundboard): Why are you calling my phone?
Bob: I'm not calling your phone, why are you calling my phone?
Bob (soundboard): Who the hell is this?!
Bob: Well who are you? You're the one that made the call.
Bob (soundboard): Who do you think I am?!
Bob: I don't know wha- who you are but I know you're in Oklahoma.
Bob (soundboard): I wish that you- you knew what number you called because I think you're calling the wrong number.
Bob: I didn't call the number; my phone rang.
Bob (soundboard): Why I-I answered the phone now tell me what you want you rang my damn number.
Bob: I didn't ring your number but if you're in Oklahoma you shouldn't be upset like that.
Bob (soundboard): I wish that you- you knew what number you called because I think you're calling the wrong number.
Bob: I didn't call anybody I just picked up the phone; let me explain something to you, can I do that? I-I'm a Texan now can I-can I explain something to you?
Bob (soundboard): Good.
Bob: Okay. There is on the Internet... a a bunch of trolls, now they persecute people and these these trolls have found somewhere somebody that have engineered a set of software that allows them to call people on the telephone and put in any particular number they want to put in as the caller ID. Now this-the telephone company knows about this and the federal government knows about this, to the point where they've even gived it a named called spoofing. S-P-O-O-F-I-N-G. And I think if I-if you think that I called your number and that's what's happening to you because I did not call your number. But that's-
Bob (soundboard): [Speaking over] Who are you?
Bob: -what's happened to me.
Bob (soundboard): Who are you?
Bob: Who am I? I'm Robert Chandler and I live in Ruckersville, Virginia.
Bob (soundboard): I beg your pardon?
Bob: Yeah, I'm 82 years old but I was born in Fort Worth, so I'm a neighbor.
Bob (soundboard): What's on your mind, you called me now shut up or get off the phone or speak!
Bob: Well I'm talking to you what do- else do you want?
Bob (soundboard): I don't have an issue problem with anybody but please quit calling my number.
Bob: I didn't call you but I'm trying to explain how these people do it. Okay?
Bob (soundboard): Nobody's playing games with the phone unless you are.
Bob: Well, look: I'm 82 years old, all right? I was born in Fort Worth. I'm basically a neighbor of yours or at one time I was. I have a cousin who lives in Tulsa. Okay? I have a lot of Cherokee relatives that live in your state also.
Bob (soundboard): I don't know what you are or who you are and I don't really care.
Bob: Well I'm trying to be nice to you and to explain what's happening. You're being a victim of the Internet people that persecute people, because I didn't call your number.
Bob (soundboard): I still didn't understand you.
Bob: Well I don't wha-wha how can I explain it any simpler to you. They-
Bob (soundboard): Listen boy
Bob: -they have a program in-in their computer which allows them to dial numbers anywhere in the country and put in as the caller ID any particular telephone number they want to.
Bob (soundboard): Listen you motherfucker get down in your lowlife gutter and stay there!
Bob: Listen I didn't start cussing at you now-now-now just cut it down, cool it down; I'm trying to be nice to you.
Bob (soundboard): I don't need your crap.
Barbara: Hello there.
Bob (soundboard): Hello.
Barbara: Sir or mam or whatever the hell you are.
Bob (soundboard): Who the hell is this?!
Barbara: Don't you call up here-now look don't you call up here cussing at my husband.
Bob (soundboard): Get down in you lowlife gutter and stay there
Barbara: We didn't have-we didn't have anything to do with this damn...er...thing that's going on. There are a lot of- lot of weird people out here and you might be included as one of them if you are calling us and cussing us out. Now hang up the phone and forget the number.
Bob (soundboard): You get your black ass down in the gutter and stay there!
Barbara: I ain't got no black ass! You get your gutter ass out in the gutter and shut up!

Bob (soundboard): Hey buddy.

Liquid Bob calls Bob

A troll pretending to be a Liquid version of Bob calls Bob. In this video we learn that Bob doesn't know of Sonic, and thinks Chris invented Sonichu himself. Also, we learn that the trolls are spoofing the telephone company.

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“	S-P-O-O-F-I-N-G.	”
Bob, repeating himself

Transcript

Bob:-FBI and everybody else, that there's a system that goes on that says that anybody that wants to do it that knows how with the proper software and stuff can call any number in the country that they want to and can put any particular phone number in the system as if it came from that number to the people: called spoofing. S-P-O-O-F-I-N-G. Now-
Liquid Bob: Is-
Bob: -you can call your local police department if you like about that but that's the name they all know it as: spoofing. Now I'm not calling your number some dizzy kook out there on the Internet is playing games with ya.
Liquid Bob: Are you telling me that somebody out there on the Internet is using your phone number in an attempt to pin the blame on your family?
Bob: That's right. It goes on all the time, I've gotten calls from people everywhere. I've even-I've even uh gotten calls where I was terrorizing people and I wasn't even on the phone!
Liquid Bob: Uh, sir I-I do not happen to know if anybody on the Internet who is drawing cartoons, I-I don't know I don't use the Internet but if that's-
Bob: I don't use the Internet either, but my son does.
Liquid Bob: Oh-
Bob: These people they hate him because he has copyright, and he just won a case in England on copyright, and there are people in the world that hate him, there are people in the world that love him but there are people in the world that hate him and the people in the world that hate him are going to all sorts of ends to try and destroy him.
Liquid Bob: Your son-your son is a
Bob: -one of the ways they do it.
Liquid Bob: Your son is a cartoonist?
Bob: Yes he is.
Liquid Bob: That's very-that's a very nice to hear. I hope he's doing good.
Bob: Well he doesn't make a living at it but he's autistic, he's shares his cartoons with the world and has for the last ten or twelve years.
Liquid Bob: I've got a grandson who's into cartoons like that, he might know 'em. He's on the Internet, uh, looking up cartoons on the Internet and, uh, I think it's pretty nifty to be quite honest with you. That-
Bob: Well the ones that my son does is called Sonichu.
Liquid Bob: Sonichu? Is that some Japanese thing or what?
Bob: Well it's Sonic and chu.
Liquid Bob: Oh oh so-
Bob: Like a Pikachu and like the Sonic.
Liquid Bob: Well my grandkids are into this little thing called Pikachu but I wouldn't know anything about that. You taught your son-your son is a creator of this character?
Bob: Ever since before the year 2000-
Liquid Bob: Oh
Bob: -he's been putting and drawing them and putting them on the Internet with the world.
Liquid Bob: Oh oh I see where this- I just wanted to find w-where these telephone numbers are up and coming from because-
Bob: I'm not calling you, you can go and check with your local police department if you like but there is called spoofing.
Liquid Bob: Spoo-
Bob: They gon' come and say they can't stop it either,
Liquid Bob: Spoofing.
Bob: I-I could be put in jail for just terrorizing people cause my number comes in on their caller ID.
Liquid Bob: Can I-is this Mister Chandler right, your name is Mister Chandler right?
Bob: That's right.
Liquid Bob: Oh, you-your
Bob: Robert Chandler, I've got nothing to hide.
Liquid Bob: There-there are
Bob: I'm eighty-two years old and I'm retired from GE.
Liquid Bob: There are other people I have heard I think one of my sons has been receiving calls from that number as well. I did a look-read up of that as well, my son who is very into the Internet did a look up of that number and found out that most people are getting calls from that number as well.
Bob: Well you see these people are using our number to try and get us in trouble.
Liquid Bob: I am very sorry to hear that sir.
Bob: Well that's just how this world goes there are some lousy people in this world [laughs]
Liquid Bob: Well I-uh oh man I uh-- have you reported this incident yet?
Bob: Well you try and get in touch with the FBI, have you ever tried to get in touch with he FBI, you can't get in touch with the FBI. They don't even have any phone numbers and if you find a phone number you then get an answering machine and nobody ever calls you back. They get no money for this kind o' thing, this Internet crime stuff-
Liquid Bob: Are-are you saying they are purposely ignoring this-
Bob: [speaking over] -mistaken identity and everything.
Liquid Bob: -they are purposely ignoring this?
Bob: I beg your pardon?
Liquid Bob: They are purposely ignoring this?
Bob: That's right they are purposely ignoring it, the telephone company will tell you the same thing. They all have this thing named and it's called spoofing.
Liquid Bob: So they know this thing exists but they won't do anything about it.
Bob: That's right they won't do a thing about it.
Liquid Bob: Yeah-
Bob: The caller ID won't block it or anything.
Liquid Bob: Are you a Republican sir?
Bob: I'm a-I'm a Republican yes.
Liquid Bob: That is-
Bob: I didn't vote for Obama that's-
Liquid Bob: I did not vote for Obama either.
Bob: Heh. What part of New York are you in?
Liquid Bob: I think we live around Upstate New York, I-we're very conservative-
Bob: -Upstate New York once, I lived in Utica.
Liquid Bob: I have a cousin who lives in Utica, I don't know if he's still living there but I haven't spoke to him in ten years-
Bob: Yeah I worked with GE up there once bout forty years ago.
Liquid Bob: General Electric?
Bob: Yeah General Electric.
Liquid Bob: Huh, that's a very nice-I heard that's a very nice employ- steady job.
Bob: Yeah well I retired from there so.
Liquid Bob: Well I just want-
Bob: I enjoyed it, I used to go hiking in the Adirondacks and up there in the-in the mountains of uh--whate-- white mountain I guess it is they call it or something.
Liquid Bob: I think that's what we'll call it, it's very cold up here too; very very cold.
Bob: I could remember some days when it was 35 below 0 up here. I got my tootsie-
Liquid Bob: We just had sixteen, sixteen inches of snow. I was-
Bob: Would you believe I'm sitting in Charlottesville if you know where that is, in Virgin-Virginia
Liquid Bob: I think it's
Bob: next to the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia, I can see the mountains from my house. But we have right now two feet of snow in our yard and one time we had over three feet; bout two weeks ago.
Liquid Bob: That- holy moly! Are you able to get on the road safely?
Bob: Well I-I parked my car next to the street and I finally we got a plow and I can get in and out right now because I'm next to street but for about a week we couldn't get out at all.
Liquid Bob: Huh- that's very scary to hear that you guys get that much snow during the winter months.
Bob: It stopped Washington, Philadelphia, Baltimore and New York too, the same storms. It put the government out of business for seven days up there.
Liquid Bob: Oh, that just goes to shown ya you can't underestimate nature.
Bob: That's right you can't, that's what I learned while I was in Utica in Upstate New York there.
Liquid Bob: It gets pretty bad up here let me tell. It-we had an ice storm about twenty years ago, it took the power out for nearly a month, all the cars were frozen, we couldn-we couldn't even use our refrigerator, oh it was scary we were afraid it wasn't even gonna come back on.
Bob: Well I'm [chuckles] I'm sure, well I can remember it we used to get all that what do you call it; lake effect snow?
Liquid Bob: Uh what was-
Bob: -snow up there, the snow that comes off the moisture off the great lake there? And uh I can remember three feet of snow in Utica
Liquid Bob: Uh yeah uh that's-
Bob: [laughs]
Liquid Bob: -it hasn't been that bad yet, hopefully it won't be that bad in the future, winter months almost over and I can tell ya I want to get out on my boat again. And fish don't- and I go snapper fishing and they don't come 'till August.
Bob: That's right, I remember a joke about it up there, you-you had two seasons: winter and the 4th of July.
Liquid Bob: [forced laughing] Yeah uh- that's what they call it: Christmas and July [chuckles]
Bob: That's right.
Liquid Bob: Well I'm gotta be going now, well I just wanted to clear this-
Bob: -sorry just ignore those calls cause it ain't us.
Liquid Bob: Well I just wanted to be-verify this cause occasionally people have called us and we just wanted to see if it was important or not. Cause I do have family in Virgi-
Bob: Somebody might not like your son on the Internet and that's why they're- number and everythin' and that's why they're using our number to terrorize you.
Liquid Bob: Well uh that probably answers some random number- back when I was little boy we used to just type in random numbers and the-phone just make ran- calls. I'm not proud of it or anythin' that's just what we did, it's none of this scary stuff that involves computers and everything; we did it in good fun we weren't tryin' to be antagonistic about it.
Bob: Well there you are- for a while there they were even trying to talk my son into committing suicide over the Internet.
Liquid Bob: Well that's just wrong.
Bob: Yeah it's disgusting and the federal government won't do a thing to help us- or the local government or anybody.
Liquid Bob: Have you gotten the police involved yet?
Bob: It's just uh- it's just we've learned how to cope with it that's all.
Liquid Bob: That's a-that's a shame. I hope they- you know- don't go too far with this or you better get the police involved.
Bob: We have but they don't do anything; they say this is an Internet matter it's federal government
Liquid Bob: Apparently-
Bob: -federal government says we don't have any money.
Liquid Bob: -according to my son the police say we don't give crap about goes on the Internet; they only care if it goes on-
Bob: That's absolutely correct.
Liquid Bob: Well uh I have to be going now Mister Chandler it's uh-
Bob: -sorry, sorry somebody's been botherin' you but it ain't us.
Liquid Bob: I'll just keep-I'll just- I'll block uh this whoever spoofin' me from now on. Well thank you for clearin' this up I uh hope things go better for you and your son. Have a good day sir.
Bob: We've learned to just ignore it.
Liquid Bob: You should. Well have a good day and I hope the winter months don't give you the cold shoulder [laughs]
Bob: I'll be alright.

Liquid Bob: Alright take care now.

Snake Productions Calls Bob Chandler

Not much of a prank, but rather an informative call. From this brief conversation between troll and dad we learn that Bob is fully aware that Chris posted their dox in numerous places on the Internet, and actually thinks his son is a better person.

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Transcript

Bob: Hello?
Troll: Oh, hello?
Bob: Hello? Why you ringin' my number?
Troll: Oh, oh, hey, um, I've been hearing that, uh...
Bob: Why you ringin' my number?
Troll: Um, your son's kinda like getting you through some trouble on the, uh...online. He's giving out his- giving out your home phone number.
Bob: My home phone number's been on the Internet four years, and I don't care. Now why you callin' my number?
Troll: Yeah, your...I think you heard about how your, uh, videos of your house were on the Internet?
Bob: I've heard a lot of stuff, and most of it is a bunch of trash, okay?
Troll: Well, um...
Bob: Why you callin' my number?
Troll: W-w-w-w-w-wait a minute, wait. Um...
Bob: I'm gettin' kinda sick and tired of you people botherin' my home phone number. This is my private phone number, now get rid of it.
Troll: Wait, wait, I'm not trying to piss you off.
Bob: Yeah, you are, because you're comin' in on an unknown blocked number call.
Troll: Your-
Bob: If you were up and aboard and above board(?) and really doin' what you say you ki- think you're doin', then your number would come in along with your name.
Troll: [quietly] Shit, whatever lumberjack.
Bob: Yeah, you can't argue with that, can you? Now quit callin' my damn number and leave it alone!
Troll: Okay KKK cracker.
Bob: Okay, cracker.
[Troll snickers]
Bob: Get your act together. I'm 82 years old, and I've survived a long damn time. The way you're goin', you're not gonna make it very far.
Troll: Can't raise your damn son right.
Bob: I raised my son. My son is fine. My son has done a lot better than you have, he's a hell of a lot nicer than you are, he doesn't go around callin' people all the damn time.
Troll: Hey, I'm nice, but I'm just- I'm just trying to let you know, you're trying to, you're kinda being an ass on the other line.
Bob: No, I'm not being an ass. I'm just gettin' tired of you people out there thinkin' you're God's gift to the world when you're not.
Troll: W-well, I'm- I'm not thinking, I'm not-
Bob: Look at yourself in the mirror every morning, look at yourself...
Troll: I do.
Bob: ...and say "Now what do I do to deserve to judge other people?..."
Troll: Well, I'm not-
Bob: "...I'm so great that I can judge other people, and they're so damn far below me?" No, I think you should get off the phone and find yourself somethin' constructive to do as an entertainment.
Troll: Well, I'm just-
Bob: Thank you and good night.
Troll: Okay, bitch.

[call ends]

Snake Productions Calls Barbara Chandler

The same troll above makes another call to the Chandlers, this time claiming Chris harassed his 14-year old sister. It should be noted that Barb's behavior when communicating with trolls is eerily similar to that of her equally-delusional son's.

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Transcript

John: Uh, hello, this is, ah, John Morris. I've been calling a couple of times, but I'm getting calls from your house, and I guess someone named Christian who lives there has been calling my sister, who's underage, probably 14 years - 14 years old, has been asking my, er, d-asking my d- sister-
Barbara: (Interrupting) M-my son does not call your daughter that's 14 years underage [Unintelligible]
John: Yeah, I-I have recorded-
Barbara: SHUT UP!SHUT UP!
John: Here, here's the call.
Barbara: Stop trying to set up my son!
John: Here.
Barbara: You lousy creep! [A recording of a girl's voice starts, but Barb is blathering over it]
Barbara: One of you - one of you trolls out there
John: Here, what's this - here
Barbara: Don't bother - don't bother calling us back again!
John: Here, right here. [The recording starts again, but Barb hangs up]
John: Oh, she - Tch.

The credits roll, followed by the actual "recording" of the call - obviously a soundboard.

Girl: Hello?
Chris (soundboard): Hello?
GirlWho is this?
Chris (soundboard): My name is Christian Weston Chandler
Girl: Who are you looking for?
Chris (soundboard): You want me to caress your breasts?
Girl: What?
Chris (soundboard): You'll be lovin' my dick, it's so big and all that, you know. And you'll just - and it'll be - I'll be puttin' it between your tits while you're all tied up.

Barbara (Soundboard): SHUT UP! SHUT UP! Stop trying to set up my son! You lousy creep!

Call Bobby Chandler

Uploaded on 21 September 2010. The two individuals call up Bob and ask him only two questions before the conversation takes a turn for the worse. In the nine minutes that followed, we learned that Bob graduated from Auburn University, was an Eagle Scout and Scoutmaster for 20 years in the Boy Scouts, and that he may be a member of the Ku Klux Klan.

Despite these revelations, many trolls disapproved of the callers' tactics, as they were basically verbally assaulting an 83 year old man over things he had no idea about.

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Transcript

(trolls giggling; phone rings three times)
Bob: Hello?
Troll 1: Hello.
Bob: Hello!
Troll 1: Mr. Chandler?
Bob: Who is this?
Troll 1: This is Answer Me Sanchez.
Bob: Who is Anthony Sanchez?
Troll 1: No, Answer Me Sanchez! I’d like to, ah, ask you a few questions, if, ah, um, you wouldn’t mind.
Bob: Well, I don’t know if I’ll give you any answers.
Troll 1: Well, do the best you can, I guess. Number one, um: have you ever heard of a website called bangbus.com?
Bob: No, I’m not on the Internet.
Troll 1: Okay, um, two: What scares you more, a black man living in your neighborhood, or a gay man living in your neighborhood?
Bob: I don’t think that’s any of your business.
Troll 1: Well, um, I um, am doing this for…research and statistics. And I, um…
Bob: (interrupts) It’s still none of your business.
Troll 1: What if, what if I had, uh, a hooker give you a blowjob?
Bob: It’s none of your business. (pause) Just, just quit bothering my telephone and get the hell…
Troll 2: (interrupts) Tell your son to stop drinking his semen!
Troll 1: Wait, wait, Bob, okay, I’ll skip that question.
Bob: You're, you’re just being an asshole, is what you're doing.
Troll 2: Your son's an asshole!
Troll 1: Bob, um, um, relax! All right, all right, that was an insensitive question. You’re right; let’s skip that.
Bob: You got no reason to know this kind of stuff.
Troll 1: Bob, relax, relax; take your medicine. And relax.
Bob: I am relaxed, fella.
Troll 1: Well, um, good, um.
Bob: I’m sick and tired of you calling up on my telephone.
Troll 1: I have no idea what you’re talking about. Bob, are you going senile?
Barbara: (inaudible)
Troll 1: Nah, don't listen to Snorlax! You - ugh, she has you pussy-whipped. Stop listenin' to her.
Troll 2: Bob, man, you fought in Korea, man. Just listen to what my friend has to say and tell your wife to shut up.
Troll 1: Yeah, I mean, come on…
Bob: If you guys would just go to college or do something and…
Troll 1: I am in college!
Troll 2: I’m in college, too, and I’m actually doing something with my degree, unlike Chris!
Bob: Try doing something constructive with your life.
Troll 2: I am, unlike your son.
Troll 1: That’s kind of ironic, given your son doesn’t do jack shit with his degree.
Troll 2: Yeah! Honor rolls, my ass!
Bob: I have my degree, fella.
Troll 2: No, your son! Your retarded son who drinks semen!
Troll 1: I'm not talkin' about you, I'm talkin' about your son. The one that drinks his own sperm?
Troll 2: Yeah, eats McDonald's?
Bob: He has his degree also.
Troll 2: He doesn’t do nothin' with it, though.
Troll 1: What’s he got with it? What’s he done with it?
Bob: It doesn’t matter what he’s done with it, it's none of your fucking business.
Troll 1: It does, 'cause you're telling us - 'cause you're telling us to go to college.
Troll 2: Yeah, you're telling us to go to college, w - I wanna know what your son's done. What's he done?
Bob: It’s none of your business.
Troll 2: It is, 'cause he tells us on the Internet. It’s everybody’s business now.
Troll 1: Yeah!
Bob: It’s none of your business. Why don’t you (inaudible, interruptions) quit bothering us, or I won’t answer your phone at all!
Troll 2: (indistinct) Jesus, man.
Troll 1: Okay, all right, you know what, let's skip that question since it's obvamously - um, it might make him shit his pants and get - (stammers) Let's skip that question.
Bob: Listen, fella -
Troll 1: Bob…
Bob: Hey.
(repeat ad nauseam for several seconds as Bob and Troll 1 try to speak over each other)
Bob: I'm talkin'… I’m talkin' to you, listen, I’m talkin' to you…
Troll 1: I'll get the stick!
Bob: (amid interruptions from trolls) Listen to me, you, I'm talkin' to you! I’ll tell you what I want you to know, okay? First, I am a graduate engineer. Okay?
Troll 1: (muttering) Oh my god.
Bob: Second, I worked forty years for GE, and I retired from GE. Third, I served this country and this world by creating at least ten patents and automating a whole lot of industry with a whole lot of stuff that you couldn’t live without. I’ve done my service to man kind.
Troll 2: What about your son?
Bob: I’m an old man now and I want to be left in peace by you fuckers out there.
Troll 2: Fuck you, you Klansman!
Troll 1: I’ve listened to what you had to say and I…
Troll 2: Fuckin' Klansman.
Troll 1: (garbled, inaudible babbling)
Bob: Well, I’m telling you this, I also spent my time as a scoutmaster. Okay, I was an Eagle Scout. I spent my time for twenty years…
Troll 2: Your son drinks his own semen, wears his mom’s underwear. He eats McDonald’s, he whacks off.
Troll 1: Are you telling me you’re a damn… Bob?
(more babbling)
Bob: When you get somethin' that you can tell me like that, then you call me back and tell me. Now you get your own life and stop botherin' mine. I can out-talk you any day of the week.
Troll 2: (talking over Bob) My son will never drink his own semen. My son will never wear his mom’s underwear. My son will never live in my house when he’s twenty-eight years old. My son does not have the Snorlax for a mother.
Troll 1: Bob, wait, hold on a second, relax. Everyone just relax. Bob, are you - you’re saying you’re a scout manager for NAMBLA?
Bob: No, I’m saying I was a scout master.
Troll 1: For NAMBLA, I got it…
Bob: For a scout troop. A scout troop! You know!
Troll 1: Yeah, yeah, for NAMBLA, I got you.
Bob: Boy Scouts!
Troll 2: Auhh, totally NAMBLA!
Troll 1: Yeah, NAMBLA. (lots of stammering) Um, okay, I mean, like, how many years did you do that for, for NAMBLA?
Bob: I was a scout master for almost 20 years.
Troll 1: Twenty years in NAM - that’s real impressive, I’m really impressed.
Bob: I have my Eagle Scout badge, which very few of you people out there have. Why don't you go get a life and get out there and do that kinda stuff too?
Troll 2: The Scouts are gay. The scouts are as gay as your son.
Troll 1: (nonsensical rambling) I think, you know, if I learn first-hand from someone that's experienced it, it might help me moreso in the real world, I mean, like, such as yourself. I mean, like, twenty years in NAMBLA -
Bob: I'm pretty, I'm - y'know, I would be embarrassed, if I were you -
Troll 2: (interrupting) I would be embarrassed to drink my own semen.
Bob: - y'gotta call up people and say "Look," y'know, "I’ve done so-and-so," when you haven’t done crap. Now you can't tell me any one thing you've done.
Troll 1: Like your son, right?
Troll 2: Well, your son drinks his own cum and wears his mom’s underwear.
Bob: I don’t care, we’re talking about me and we’re talking about my phone.
Troll 1: What about your phone? I…
Bob: This is my phone number, this is my phone that you’re bothering, and I'm sick and tired of it.
Troll 2: Chris gave us your number.
Troll 1: I-I just said that - I was just askin' you 'bout, what - your 20 years in NAMBLA, and you were talk - talkin' to me 'bout that, I was just sayin' like - uh, so what'd you do after?
Bob: Why don't you get something that you can brag about rather than tryin' to harass people all the time?
Troll 1: 'Cause I don’t brag, that's, that’s not my nature.
Bob: Well, that's fine. So all you can do is harass and bully, right?
Troll 2: (randomly interjects) Stop living in a house full of clutter!
Troll 1: I'm not harassing and bullying. I'm just asking you a question. You're just getting mad and, y'know -
Bob: Y'know I have friends in the Klu Klux Klan. [sic]
Troll 2: Oh my god, you're a fuckin' Na - oh ho ho! Holy shit!
Bob: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Troll 2: I’m so glad we’re recording this.
Troll 1: Are you part of the KKK yourself?
Bob: I was born and ra - I was raised in Alabama, so take your own judgment from that, fella.
Troll 2: Holy shit!
Bob: I went to school at Auburn's. It's in the heart of the Deep South, so you can take your, you can take your whatevers from that.
(excited gibbering from trolls)
Troll 1: So, from my understanding, you said you went to Auburn, right?
Bob: That’s right, I graduated there.
Troll 1: All right. So you’re telling me that most people who graduated from Auburn are in the KKK?
Bob: No, but I’m saying that a lot of them are. It’s in the heart of the Deep South.
Troll 1: Well, I just said "most people," but okay, yeah... So, I mean, what-
Bob: I’ve seen crosses burning, fella. I've seen 'em. And you don’t wanna see it.
Troll 1: Is Chris part of the KKK?
Bob: You don't wanna see it.
Troll 2: Wait, wait, wait - are you a member of the KKK, though, Bob?
Troll 1: Yeah. Yeah. All right.
Bob: I won’t say whether I am or not. If I had, I’d come up and see if I've got a white, uh, hood to put on.
Troll 2: Okay, Bob, all right, we’re just asking you a simple question.
Bob: Okay? Okay? Now get off my damn case and get a life for yourself.
Troll 2: My black girlfriend's gonna hate me for that.
Bob: Stop bein' a sad, pathetic individual.
Troll 2: Like your son, Bob?
Troll 1: Bob -
Bob: It doesn’t matter, we’re not talking about my son.
Troll 2: I’m talking about your son.
Bob: We’re talking about me, and we’re talking about you.
Troll 1: This is a big confrontation. (???) So when you tell us to get a life, why don’t you take those words and tell that to your son, instead of other people, when we’re just trying to ask you questions and learn about life ourselves?
Troll 2: Why you gotta get so hostile?
Bob: My son has a life.
Troll 2: Whatever happened to Megan?
Troll 1: Sonichu’s not a life, man!
Bob: My son’s a hell of a lot more creative than you are.
Troll 2: That’s why we’re talking to you and he doesn’t talk to you. Get it?
Troll 1: He says he doesn’t get along with you that well, so…
Troll 2: That’s what he puts on his website.
Bob: He gets along with me fine.
Troll 2: Not on his YouTube page.
Bob: Why don’t you get a life so you can come back and prove me that you’re capable and good enough to talk to me? I have helped my fellow man, and I have helped 'em for forty or fifty years.
Troll 2: You kinda failed at that.
Bob: (apparently misunderstanding) To hell with that? Yeah, to hell with that.
Troll 2: You've failed.
Bob: Why don't you go out and get a life and leave me in peace?
Troll 2: I have one, I’m fucking my black girlfriend every night. I have a black girlfriend! I'm happy!
Troll 1: Bob, tell me something. Do you know what the Pythagorean Theorem is?
Bob: I sure do.
Troll 1: What is it?
Bob: It’s for me to know and you to find out, my friend.
Troll 2: (inaudible) - bachelor's degree.
Troll 1: (sudden rage) You dumbass! What is it? It’s A squared plus B squared equals C squared!
Troll 2: HA! Check and mate.
Troll 1: Gosh, Bob! Come on! Failed, right there. (stammering) Do you know anything about the Golden Ratio?
Bob: Listen, fella, I have ten patents. In the realms of industrial automation.
Troll 1: I don't care about your rim jobs in the freaking -
Bob: I helped, I helped to design and, and, and create the computer.
Troll 2: No you didn’t!
Bob: I helped design and create and put the intercontinental mission in space.
Troll 2: No you didn’t!
Troll 1: (indistinct) - NAMBLA stickers on your computer?
Bob: Now when you can say something like that, you can call me back. Until then, shut your fucking mouth and get off my phone.
Troll 2: Epic fuckin' failure.
Troll 1: Hey Bob. Hey Bob. What would you say that (indistinct) I'm a multi-millionaire?
(Bob hangs up.)
Troll 2: He hung up, man. Oh my god!
Troll 1: That was fucking awesome.
Troll 2: Dude, man, we got him fucking admitting he’s a part of the KKK!
Troll 1: Dude, upload that shit now!

Troll 2: Got it! I'm a - I'm got - got - m'kay - got it. Got it.

Chris calls the Po-Po; Po-Po calls Bob

Most of this call is the CWC soundboard trying to get around the standard questions of the Greene County Sheriff Department's receptionist. The last two minutes involve a police soundboard calling Bob. Note: The CWCki doesn't condone or support pranking legitimate business and services (like the police) in order to prank the Chandlers.

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Transcript

Receptionist: Greene County Sheriff's Department. This is [unintelligible].
Chris (soundboard): Hello?
Receptionist: Yes?
Chris (soundboard): Uhh, who is this?
Receptionist: This is the Greene County sheriff's office.
Chris (soundboard): My name is Christian.
Receptionist: Umm, 'kay. Can I get your last name?
Chris (soundboard): Christian Weston Chandler...
Receptionist: Christian Chandler?
Chris (soundboard): Yeah.
Receptionist: [overlapping slightly] Christian- then what can we do for you tonight?
Chris (soundboard): Bring the police and, uhh, ambulance around.
Receptionist: You need the police and the ambulance?
Chris (soundboard): Yeah.
[pause]
Receptionist: OK. Why do you need the police and the ambulance?
[long pause]
Chris (soundboard): [sigh] Oh, Jesus... [sigh]
[long pause]
Receptionist: Can you tell me why you need them?
[pause]
Chris (soundboard): I'm high-functionally autistic.
Receptionist: OK... So why do you need the police? Is there something wrong?
[short pause]
Chris (soundboard): Yeah.
Receptionist: OK, what's wrong?
[long pause]
Receptionist: Can you tell me what's goin' on?
[pause]
Receptionist: Hey, Christian?
Chris (soundboard): Yes?
Receptionist: Can I get your address?
Chris (soundboard): 14 Branchland Court.
Receptionist: 14 Branchland Court? Is that where you're at right now?
Chris (soundboard): Yeah.
Receptionist: Can I get your phone number?
[pause]
Chris (soundboard): No.
Receptionist: You don't want to give out your phone number?
Chris (soundboard): I'm currently living with my mother and my father.
Receptionist: You're living with your mother and your father? Is there something wrong with them? [pause] Is that why you need law enforcement?
[pause]
Bob (soundboard): Hello?
Receptionist: Yes, this is the Greene County sheriff's office.
Bob (soundboard): I'm Robert Chandler.
Receptionist: Yes, sir. Umm, we received a call saying that you needed law enforcement to your location. Can you tell me if there's anything going on there?
Bob (soundboard): Well, right now it's midnight. What in the world do you want?
Receptionist: Well, sir, we were called by this number, and they said that they needed law enforcement there. Can you tell me what's going on?
Bob (soundboard): Why didn't you call me?
[pause]

Receptionist: We were called, sir. We didn't call you.

This media needs a transcript. Help CWCki by transcribing the content. If the media is too long, transcribe select portions which are funny or informative.

Calls to Bob and Chris

A troll posing as a TRUE and LOYAL Sonichu Fan calls Bob and later Chris, demanding new comics. The lumberjack suggests that the trolls come talk with him in public, and gives his daily morning routine.

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Transcript

[Phone rings for about 19 seconds.]
Bob: Hello?
Fan: Hello, am I speaking to a Mr. Christian Weston Chandler?
Bob: Uh well, he's not here right now, could I take a message?
Fan: Uh yes I-I'm a big fan of the Sonichu comics. Uh could you ask him when the uh when the community can expect another Sonichu release?
Bob: I-I don't really know and I'm not sure he's got one planned right now.
Fan: Oh.
Bob: Cause the trolls are givin' him a kinda tough time.
Fan: Yeah, I hate the trolls.
Bob: Yeah, they're - they're just kind of ah, he's kinda layin' low, I guess. Ha ha ha. I would if I were him.
Fan: My brother and I are very big Sonichu fans, and we're really lookin' forward to more of his comics.
Bob: Yeah, well I think he'd get more if all the trolls, uh, would let him alone.
Fan: Yeah.
Bob: You'll have to, ah, you'll have to get in some o' the chat rooms and tell the trolls to just lay off. They're stifling his creativity. Heh heh heh.
Fan: Yes. Well, I actually know some of the places the trolls congregate at, and I'll see if I can stop them from harassing your family and Christian.
Bob: Well, you could - you could pass on a message from me. [Fan: Uh, sure.] 'Cause I'm his father. This is Bob, if you haven't heard about me. Ev'ry morning, between 9:30 and about, uh, 10:30 or so, I'm at Burger King restaurant in Ruckersville, eating my breakfast, in the northeast corner booth of the restaurant. And if they wanna come in person and talk to me, I'm not - I don't lie to people and I don't hide under a screen name. And, uh, I'll be glad to talk to anybody and if they've got reasonable questions about Christian, I'll be glad to answer 'em. But I don't do things like that on the phone, and I don't do it on the Internet 'cause I'm not even on the Internet. But I'll be glad to talk to them in person if they're - if they're brave enough to come out in person. 'Cause I got - I got no axe to grind with any of 'em, and neither has Christian. Ha ha, and I don't know why they think he does... he doesn't. We-we'll be glad, or I'll be glad, and I'm sure if Christian knew somebody was comin' and wanted to know, he'd be there for breakfast too. So just tell em, every morning between 9:30 and 10:30 at Burger King. In Ruckersville, Virginia.
Fan: I'll be sure to let them know.
Bob: Okay? And anybody at UVA that wants to talk, uh, we-we're always there. But it's a public place, and nobody can harm anybody. Ha ha.
Fan: I will definitely be sure - to pass on-
Bob: We got nothing - you know, we got nothing to hide. Nothin' at all. So I'd 'preciate it if you'd let the trolls know that we're not secretive. Just come talk to us in person. Don't try to hide behind a computer... or the Internet. I- I thank you.
Fan: Uh, no problem. [Bob hangs up.] It's been nice talking to you... Goodbye.
[At 3:50, phone rings for about 23 seconds.]
Chris: Hello?
Fan: Hello, am I speaking to a Mr. Christian Weston Chandler?
Chris: Yes. May I help you?
Fan: Uh, yes. Well, just to start off, I am not a troll, I absolutely abhor trolls, and uh, I just have a quick question. [Chris says "Mhmm"] My brother and I are huge Sonichu fans, and we were wondering when to expect another Sonichu release?
Chris: Eventually, but not right now, 'cause I'm gettin' away from the- cause I've been getting away from the Internet and all that.
Fan: Ah. I understand. I recently talked to your father, just a few minutes ago, and, uh, I've called your house before - thought you might be home, and instead I got your dad.
Chris: Yeah.
Fan: Yeah. Uh, that's pretty much the only question I had, and I thank you for answering it-
Chris: Okay. Yeah, well I gotta go. You have a good day. Bye bye.

Fan: You too.

Carlos Chantor Call

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Transcript

Effeminate Caller: Is this a Mr Carlos Chantor? I thought I heard something about you with the, you had an escort service going on.
Chris: Um, I'm sor- uh, I'm sorry you have the wrong number.
Effeminate Caller: Oh really? This isn't [call is disconnected] Oh you fat...
Male voice: All right, let's try this again.
Efeminate Caller: Likely whore.

[Sound of sniffing]
Male voice: uhhhh, faggot.

[Phone rings]
Chris: Hello?
Effeminate Caller: Uh, excuse me I thought that this was the number for Carlos Chantor, I uh looked up the escort ad.
Chris: Oh, um.
Effeminate Caller: Yes.
Chris: Yeah, actually, yeah um yeah, it is but I er can't talk, I can't talk right now, could you me call back...
Effeminate Caller: Oh
Chris: another time please?
Effeminate Caller: Well, yes I was just wondering about, oh what time should I call back cuz I heard you were into watersports?
Chris: Hmm. I may be.
Effeminate Caller: What kind of watersports?
Chris: Hmm, uh, talk more about, we'll talk more about that, uh later, uh, call back at [audio cuts]
Effeminate Caller: Will do, honey.
Chris: Ok, all right, bye bye.

Effeminate Caller: Bye now.

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