Mumble 9.5

Mumble 9.5 is the continuation of the ninth Mumble chat involving Chris, held on 23 February 2009.

In this chat, Clyde Cash and the Miscreants accuse Chris for many things, such as not caring for his Aunt Corrina's death, wasting money on video games, and being a terrible son to his father.

Summary

After Arjen threw death threats against him in the last chat and prompted him to leave, Chris rejoins the chat. Clyde and the Miscreants again bombard Chris with accusations that he doesn't actually care about the death of his Aunt Corrina, but is more sad that a funeral is ruining his birthday. The trolls again accuse Chris of blowing money on vidya (with Clyde leveling the accusation that Chris and his family have spent more than $20,000 on games). Chris, being Chris, offers little of substance in response.

Chris also aggressively defends that he's a good son to Bob when the topic comes up, claiming that "..they spent a lot of money on me!", which says a lot about Chris' character. Clyde's words about Chris not being a good son to Bob also come to pass years later, as Chris chose to make blackmail videos instead of caring for his dying dad, and opted to update his Attraction Sign on Facebook on the same day his father died, and to this day, has mentioned nothing about him, save for siccing his ghost on his trolls. Compare this to the gushing tribute he gave to his dog.

In one of the more famous Mumble moments, Chris admits that he may be "retarded" and that his mind doesn't think so quickly...making it obvious why he goes out of his way to mock "slow-in-the-minds." Also, Chris once again swears up and down that he has been giving Clyde's suggestions to get a job a "lot of thought". To date, Chris has still not gotten a job, making this another blatant lie.

Chris eventually storms out of the chat after being told he is afraid to go outside, and that leaving his house for a change is the only way to get the Miscreants to leave him alone.

Timelines

(00:00)

• The chat begins in the middle of a conversation between Clyde and Chris.
• Clyde says Chris has improved nothing in his life.

(00:30)

• Chris says he has been thinking "very hard" about getting a job, going to Julie, and convincing Bob and Barb that Julie is real.

(01:00)

• Chris feels it is significant he is ready to spend "fifty to a hundred" dollars to go see Julie.

(02:00)

• Chris says the trolls do not realize how much stress he has because he must go to a funeral for his Aunt Corrina and that it is "happening on his birthday of all days."
• Clyde says Chris is more sad about his birthday than Aunt Corrina.

(02:30)

• Chris seems to be crying over his Aunt Corrina.

(03:00)

• Chris's blubbering suddenly improves and stops, indicating that it's likely bogus.
• Clyde tells trolls to let Chris cry.

(03:30)

• Chris says he is "possibly retarded," since his mind doesn't think so swift.
• Chris says he often doesn't even give thought to the actions he does.

(04:00)

• Hearing about the fire "made Chris so sad" and he "cried his heart out."

(05:00)

• Chris says love is like "standing on top of a mountain" and having "good wind" blow through your hair.
• People are to get to know each other through "pleasant conversation" and it is not all about the "bonus round."

(06:30)

• Chris says women should get to know men "from the inside."
• Chris felt "true honest respect" from Julie, Blanca, Sarah May, Sarah Jackson and Panda.

(08:00)

• Clyde says if he knew what true love was, Chris would know they were trolls. Chris says "trolls or not, I still care about them very much."

(08:30)

• Chris has got "some good memories" of those women.

(09:30)

• Chris claims he has learned from his mistakes and learned how to sort the "true from the false."

(10:30)

• Chris angrily responds to a question about Megan.

(11:00)

• Clyde asks whether Chris realizes why Megan left. After a pause, Chris says it is because he "got into her personal space" and "violated her drawing."

(12:00)

• Chris says he feels the sexy drawing and sexy websites are "appropriate" and says "the eyes are censored and you can't recognize Megan."

(13:30)

• The trolls insult Chris and tell him they haven't slandered him- they've only posted his words.
• Chris claims he has been misinterpreted and has gone through "so many revolutions and personal upgrades for the better."

(14:30)

• Clyde says the Miscreants have estimated Chris has spent over $20,000 on video games in his life.

(15:30)

• Chris blames the ED page for not getting a job.

(16:00)

• Clyde attacks Chris for misspending his tugboat. Chris says he spends his money by paying the bills, his rent, and credit cards.

(16:30)

• The trolls say there is no way Chris will ever support a family.
• Clyde accuses Chris of being $2000 behind in credit card debt.

(17:30)

• Clyde says the Miscreants can't be stopped, and Chris stops answering.

(19:00)

• Chris says he goes outside every day, but changes the subject.
• Chris says Max has said to pass on the message that Julie will be at HQ in ten minutes.

(19:30)

• Chris says "most everything I tell you is the truth."

(20:00)

• Chris angrily yells that he did not have the money or support to go see Miyamoto.

(20:30)

• Chris says he went out with Bob to get breakfast, since Bob likes the company.
• Chris reads comic strips in newspapers.

(21:00)

• Clyde says Bob wants someone intelligent to talk to, but all he has is Chris.
• The trolls say Chris is a bad son, and his parents have spent a lot of money on him.

(21:30)

• The trolls say Chris should make his own decisions and not just do everything Bob and Barb want.

(22:00)

• Chris says he is "more likely to stick to a routine."
• Clyde says Chris will just keep going downhill.
• Chris's only response is to tell the trolls to "shut up," and he leaves the chat.
• The trolls discuss the next chance to troll Chris and what BlueSpike should do next.

Transcript

“	Ahhh, Jesus Christ.	”
Chris, Once again showing us his devout Christian ways

'Clyde: [audio cuts in mid-sentence] We've given you so many chances to improve yourself, I've tried to help you but you never listen. [long pause]
Chris: [sigh] Clyde, could you repeat the question, I didn't have my headphones on?
Clyde: I've been trying to help you this entire time, but we've grown tired of you doing nothing.
Chris: I have been doing something
Clyde: What have you done?
Chris: I have been making plans, I have been thinking very hard about getting a job and about going to Julie and convincing my family that she is, that she is a real woman. [sigh]I'm probably, I'm not lying, spending about $50-100 of my own money just to try, just to try go up and visit her.
Clyde: How much money?
Chris: 50 to 100.
Clyde: That's not a lot, you know that right? That's chump change in today's society. A long time ago one of our former, former [inaudible] Vivian [inaudible] but anyway she tried to help you but you didn't listen.
Chris: Well, look, I'm sorry. Look, I'm sorry about, look,I'm sorry about a lot of my past mistakes about not listening to everyone ok, but I've been under a lot of stress.
Clyde: What is this stress? You always cite stress.
Chris: Stress STRESS, Stress of the mean people that ha has give me such bad mark, uh, that have made a bad name and such.
Troll 1: Chris you don't know what stress is, you don't have a job you don't go.
Chris: [interrupting] I have a lot of stress in my life, my Aunt Corina just died and I have to go to her funeral and I'm going to be very sad that day and the funeral is happening on my birthday of all days.
Clyde: Shouldn't you be more sad about her than your birthday?
Chris: I am very upset about my Aunt Corina, she was a very sweet woman
Clyde: But you seem to be complain about it being on your birthday
Chris: Look, stop talking about that, OK? I love my [Clyde butts in with a half formed sentence] I feel sympathy for my Aunt Corina. She smoked and when she went to the hospital she died at the age of 75, her her, her cancer deteriorated her left lung and her liver and her brain.
[both Clyde and Chris try to speak]
Clyde: Go ahead, sure, why not
Chris: And they kept her alive as long as they could, they could, till she breathed...her last breath—[pulls out an Academy-Award-winning performance of tears, bawling all over the place. The trolls can be heard slightly chuckling in the background. He then says, between sobs and with a heavy heart] We knew that she was dying [Chris is too emotional here to make out what he is saying] and that we were able to say we loved her one last time, over the phone. [sob]
Clyde: Well, they did their best.
[Trolls mock and imitate Chris]
Clyde: Silence, let him cry, let him cry. [inaudible] but this does not excuse for all your other past actions.
[Chris has made a miraculous mental recovery from his emotional state]
Chris: [loud sigh] Look I'm unfit, I'm possibly retarded, okay my mind doesn't think so swift. I- I- uh, I'm likely even to make mistakes on the fly without realizing it. Sometimes I don't even give thought to something I've said [inaudible] but I can give a lot of before when I move from pe- uh, move from, uh, move from Panda to Julie, because I though- I thought she had died in that fire. I was I uh my heart was petra uh about that possibility after I about that fire in Austra- uh post, It made me so sad. [sobs creep back into Chris's voice]
Clyde: Now this I can't believe. I believe your Aunt Corina and I'm sorry for your loss but about Panda, NO!
Chris: I cried my heart out.
Clyde: And then you just moved on, just like that.
Chris: NO, I uh, no I did not move on just like that.
Clyde: But you claimed she was your love your love. You don't know what love feels like, Chris.
Chris: I do know what love feels like.
Clyde: What does it feel like then Chris? Can you describe it?
Chris: [sigh] It's... uh [sigh] it's indescribable, it's a priceless feeling, it's like you know you feel most elated, it's like your standing on top of a mountain with the wind blowing through your hair and it's a good wind. It's just uh love feels so good. True love feels so good especially when it, uh, comes between two people who have known each other for a long while and have got to know each other through pleasant conversation. And uh you know the bonus rounds are there too I mean I'll admit that but what I enjoy most are the pleasant conversations and learning about the kind sweet uh kind sweet women that they are [sigh] and that they care me and respect me very much and it just makes me feel so much better to know that I'm respected by the women. Because I felt, because it's like I don't get a lot of respect from people, from bad people like y'all being mean like right now. And this is just [tears welling and emotion rising] is making me want to cry.
Clyde: You said the women. Are you talking about a singular person or all women?
[once again, Chris has composed himself amazingly well]
Chris: No, no I said women, women.
Clyde: You mean you want to be respected by everyone? All the women. You want to love them all?
Chris: No
Clyde: Or is it down to one person?
Chris: No, uh, wait. Now you're twisting my words around
Clyde: I'm just saying whatever you say.
Chris: [sigh] Look I could uh, its a, look when I talk about the respect from a woman I'm talking about honest respect like after she's got to know me from the inside like, uh, most women should get to know their man, before they go have a relationship with them or or whatever. And if Julie just, you know between Blanca and Sarah Jackson and Panda, Sarah May and Julie. I was very happy that day when I felt such respect when I felt the true honest respect of them. And there's noth- you know uh you know I'm sorry to have forgot to have mentioned Sarah May when I mentioned Julie [inaudible] when I was asked a question about naming friends. I'll admit I'll admit I was wrong. I was wrong I was wrong and I thank Julie very I mean Sarah Mayver, damn it, I did it again. I got mixed up. You, Y'all mixed it up when you mixed up my emotions because I'm upset all this. Anyways anyways Aunt then got to the hospital and I felt so sorry for-
Clyde: No need, no need for lies to keep up the false stories. They are all trolls. They are all trolls. Chris have I not got this through your head. Panda is sleeping right now if you could be more quiet. Sarah May is perfectly fine. Blanca, Blanca well I don't know where she's off to, the other two people behind Blanca I don't know and Sarah Jackson is still alive. They are all trolls, Chris. It's because you don't know what true love is.
Chris: I know what true love is.
Clyde: If you knew what true love was, then you would realize that they were trolls.
Troll 7: Yep.
Chris: Look, trolls, look, trollers or not I still cared about them very much.
Clyde: What?
Chris: Trollers or not, I still cared about them very much.
Troll 3: you're just bullshitting
Chris: And I- and I- I got so- I got so many good memories of them. Some bad sure and some even bad but good
Female troll: Chris all those memories are false.
Troll 2: You deluded pig.
[two people speak at once]
Troll 1: Every scenario, all us.
Clyde: We were behind it all.
Chris: look I know y'all, I know y'all are feeding me lies right now
[huge reaction to this, everyone talks over each other]
Clyde: You still believe that they were not trolling, this is the thing. Really? Even after Blanca destroyed your medallion, after Panda sudden mysteriously disappeared when she doesn't even live in that part of Australia, well, not any more she doesn't, but anyway. You still believe it.
Troll 4: You are stupid, Chris. You do not learn from your mistakes.
Chris: Look [sigh] I do learn from my- I have learnt from my mistakes.
[several people speak]
Chris: I have learnt to take so many bullets and lies that were aimed directly at me, I learnt to take them like uh, like [inaudible] in the wind. Just let them fly by. let them fly by. I have learnt to sort the truth from the false. Panada true, definite true, definitely comes from the woman, from the people themselves.
Clyde: Why would you see through that one [inaudible] Julie after Sarah May and Panda. Urgh, I'm disgusted by that. But we'll make sure she never meets you.
Troll 5: Anyway
Chris: Look, y'all, are just, look y'all are just trying to make me feel bad because I have- because I have been delayed- because I was delayed in drawing comics as often as I should be
[eruption of sarcastic "oh yeah"s]
Troll 2: You idiot, this isn't about the comics
Troll 6: How's Megan by the way?
Chris: I DON'T KNOW, I haven't seen her in a long time.
Troll 6: I wonder why
Clyde: Silence, silence, OK, I want to ask you one last thing, well not one last thing but a useful thing. Why do you think Megan left you? Can you think why now? I think I've asked you this before.
Chris: I can only think because I got too much in her personal space and I violate her with the drawing.
Clyde: That was probably your only chance for true happiness and you screwed that up, and you're still doing it time and time again.
Troll 7: Yo, that drawing's fucked up, yo.
Clyde: And you still manage to post it up on your website. Why?
Chris: I don't... [sigh]
Troll 6: Clyde's correct, Chris.
Chris: [sigh] It's a sexy drawing and it's a sexy website and I thought it was appropriate.
[several people respond]
Chris: Besides, in the drawing the eyes are censored out, it's not like you can recognize the woman.
Clyde: Censorship does nothing once you've admitted it, Chris.
[trolls agree with Clyde's sentiment]
Chris: [sigh]
Troll 6: And besides, we thought that was your sister for the longest time.
Chris: [sigh] [whispering] Jesus, Jesus.
Troll 8: I thought that was a better theory, actually.
Chris: Ahhh Jesus Christ.
Troll 6: Maybe you shouldn't have said anything, Chris?
Chris: Maybe not but y'all didn't have to twist my words round on everything make up all these dang stupid false slanderous theories and whatnot.
Troll 7: Dude, yo, that's bullshit.
[trolls disagree with Chris's sentiment]
Troll 1: We're just going off what you've told us.
Troll 8: Exactly.
Clyde: [Unclear] What did you expect would happen?
Troll 2: You lowlife. I hope you bleed in slanderous Hell.
Troll 1: We've never slandered anyone. We just take what you've said and post it for people's interpretations.
Chris: That's my point, you've misinterpreted me.
Clyde: Well, you're going to have to correct yourself one day, you have to [inaudible]
Chris: I have been correcting myself, every day from the lessons I've learned and the mistakes I've realized I've made.
Troll 8: Really?
Chris: I've gone through so many self-revelations and uh,and uh,and personal upgrades for the better.
Troll 7: Like yo [[PSP].
[trolls laugh]
Chris: Forget about the friggin' games systems.
Clyde: Surprising from a man who spends over a thousand dollars on it. You see, Chris, you have a problem. You need to stop buying video games, you need to sell them all. They're no good, they're not helping you
Troll 1: It's only when you lose everything that you're free to do anything.
Troll 8: The man speaks the truth.
Chris: [sigh]
Clyde: You have, We have estimated you have over twenty thousand U.S. dollars worth of video games, all at some points of your life. Why would you spend so much?
Chris: [sigh] Well I started from childhood, I was brought up, I was brought up with video games. I started with a Commodore 64, when it was brand new. Just saying.
Troll: Chris, that is not a valid excuse.
Chris: It's the truth.
Troll: That doesn't make it valid.
Clyde: Chris let me ask you this. How many of the games that you've owned in your lifetime have you actually completed?
Chris: I have beaten the vast majority of them. I have beat most every Sonic the Hedgehog game I own.
Clyde: If you have that much free time on your hands, maybe you should get a job.
Chris: Hey you know what, for one thing I would get a job, but you know they would punch my name on the Internet, they would find that damn ED page and then-
[trolls all speak]
Clyde: OK OK, yes you're right, you're right. We have slandered you, well we haven't slandered you. It's only the truth, the truth. I had to say "slandered" because you say that so much, but anyay. Ok let's say you just did have your own eight hundred dollar uhh, whatever you call it, "tugboat", which is a stupid name. It's a government check. You have your eight hundred dollars to spend and how do you spend that?
Chris: [sigh] I got uh, I pay my, I pay my, I pay my family's bills, I give them a monthly rent, I pay my credit card bills
Clyde: But then you still [inaudible].
Troll 1: You're right, Chris probably could not get a job but he can not also support himself on his tugboat. So [loud typing noise] he can't support his family anyway. Too bad.
Troll 7: Yo, I can hear that typing, what's with that?
Clyde: I know that you've revealed that to date you have credit card debts, you're already two thousand dollars behind. How do you expect to raise a family? How do you expect to help Julie?
Chris: Uhh... [more loud typing]
Troll 5: Ignoring the question, I see.
Chris: No.
Clyde: Look, if you go onto your YouTube, beg your fans to bring down us the Miscreants, but you know, your combined powers can not stop us. Nothing can stop us.
Troll 8: Every time we get knocked down we'll get right back up again.
Troll 10: And you'll never keep us down.
Troll 11: And everything that you have typed is through no one's fault but your own. You have, You have to reap what you have sown, Chris.
Troll 1: the best thing you can do is you know, go back out into the real world with your sign, you know. Wouldn't that be just like old days? You wouldn't have the Internet trolls all over you. You just go outside
Chris: [sigh]
[rapid fire error noise]
[more loud typing]
Troll 1: What are you, afraid of the sun?
[trolls all talk at once]
Chris: I am not, I am not afraid
Clyde: [inaudible] then why have you not, you know, uhhh I don't know. When's the last time you've been outside Chris?
Chris: [sigh] I've been outside, I go outside every day.
Clyde: To do what, exactly? [phone ringing]
Chris: I enjoy the air, anyway look, Max wants me to tell you that uhh, Julie will be at HQ in ten minutes
Troll: [unclear]
Clyde: [inaudible] I mean, "enjoy the air"? I doubt it. I honestly think you're lying, Chris, again?
[more loud typing]
Chris: I am not lying to you! Ev- most everything I tell you is the truth and if I make uh I if I make a certain, if I say the wrong things its because I didn't know better at the time.
Clyde: What do you mean you don't know better? You don't know what the truth and what the uh, false is?
Troll 5: You can't tell right from wrong?
Troll 8: You lied to everyone when you said you were going to [inaudible]
Chris: [sigh] Because they, because, because they were, because they were big-time theories and my families wouldn't support me, I DID NOT HAVE THE MONEY TO MAKE A TRIP
Troll 8: So why lie to us?
Troll 12: My, my, aren't we a suffering Joe?
Troll 8: Stuttering Stanley, stuttering Stanley.
Clyde: OK, we don't need stupid insults, we need real insults, you know. I mean Chris, again, last time you've been outside. Detail it for us. Don't just say you just went out for air, that's a lie.
Chris: [sigh] I went out with my father this morning for one thing, to go get, to go get breakfast.
Clyde: Where? I'd like to know.
Chris: And plus, and plus, plus he likes the company, he takes the newspaer with him. I read the comics and he reads evry- uh he reads the rest.
Troll 7: [laughs] comics
Clyde: You know I feel kind of bad for your father. All he wants is someone you know, intelligent to talk with but all he has is you.
Chris: He has my mother too.
Clyde: Well that to but someone of a male camaraderie, someone who can [inaudible]. You're not a very good son I take it.
Chris: I AM A GOOD SON and they have raised me very hard and they have spent a lot of money on me and I love them very much and appreciate them very much for that.
Troll 13: Almost too much. You seem to value their input more than you actually should. You are 26 years old, you are technically an adult but uhh-
Chris: Yeah but, it's not like, it's not like uhh. Look I have emotions and feelings and I uh I'm I'm more likely to stick to a routine and in order for me to make a big change I had to end up giving it a lot of thought first.
Clyde: Look Chris, this is the sad sad truth. You are going to grow up and die alone. I'm sorry to tell you this.
Chris: [sigh] Look leave me, just just shut up and leave me alone, leave me alone.
Clyde: We tried to help y-
Chris: [interrupting] Leave my love life alone.
Clyde: Whatever.
[Chris seems to be reduced to tears and leaves, trolls all speak]
Troll A: Oh.
Troll B: Muahahahaha.
Troll C: [giggling] What the fuck?
[Multiple voices speak at once.]
Troll B: [nonchalantly] No—
Troll D: Well, okay, we're not gonna strike it—
Troll D: We actually got him to cry. We really got him—
Troll A: Okay, BlueSpike...
Troll A: Blue. Spike.
Troll B: Oh. Wow [elongated].
Troll C: [unintelligble] has to get him here again.
Troll A: BlueSpike, you—basically you are not—every time Chris contacts you now, you should say [unintelligible] stuff, okay?
Troll A: BlueSpike?
Troll B: [voice track plays over this voice] He took your advice.
Troll B: He's down now.
Troll A: Yes.
Troll E: No he's not.
Troll B: Way down.
Troll D: Guys, I think that he's stuck. He can't get out.
Troll E: Who is?
Troll E: Who's stuck?
Troll D: No matter what we do, he's stuck in his house.
Troll D: N-No, it do-it-it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. He doesn't care.
Troll C: Who doesn't care?
Troll B: He doesn't care?
Troll D: It's only faith in him, otherwise—
Troll B: Okay.
High pitched troll: Screw it!
Troll B: I think some people, I'm probably gonna be the first to say it, but, uh...just eat
Troll D: [interrupting]: I kinda think we went too f—
Troll B: I've seen some like that. I've seen some like that eat Troll B.
Troll C: We have to get BlueSpike here.
Troll D: I just think we went too far. That was a little, I mean—
Troll D: I can kind of, like—y'know, to bring him down to tears—
Troll B: You heard what he said.
Troll B: You say—
Troll D: Yeah, I know what he said.
Troll A: "I apologize for that and I apologize for the [battle/debacle?]."
Troll F: And regret even less.
Troll B: I can't even find that funny.
Troll C: I have no regret.
[Three voices speak at once.]
Troll B: Chris, you're [chained?]—
Troll F: But his face of tears to your analogy was horrid.
Troll A: I have no sympathy for him because he's a retard.
Troll A: I—I—
Troll E: Who knows? Who really knows?
Troll A: I feel little sympathy for the lower beings.
Troll E: I feel sympathy towards the parents.
Troll A: Oh, I feel sympathy towards Bob—Bob should've killed himself.
Troll B: Yeah.
Troll C: I feel the worst sympathy towards his [dog?]
Troll A: Yeah, what's he really trying to—'cause I like, I like—
[end]

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