Mumble 8

Mumble 8 is the eighth of the Mumble chats involving Chris, held on 17 February 2009.

Chris confirms he drank (recycled) his semen. There are discussions about lesbian sex, the homos (with awesome raging from GeckoMantis), and an Oscar-winning performance by Sarah May (RIP).

Summary

• Donald Duck impersonation
• Megan's favorite band is Guns N' Roses.
• Chris will not call Rick Astley a homo.
• There is a feud between Molvanîa and Russia.
• Gohan's girlfriend is Chris's favorite Dragonball character.
• Chris is asked to list the ten commandments and the seven deadly sins. He reaches for his Bible because he can't remember. (Although, as a Protestant, the seven deadly sins would be irrelevant.)
• Mr. Roboto gets kicked.
• Chris says his pastoral counselor (Rocky) told him premarital sex is okay.

[15:40]

Chris on premarital sex with Julie: After you get here, we could talk to my pastor about it further.

Julie: I've said it many times. I discuss it in my letter.

Chris: I'm just sayin'. After you get here, we could talk to my pastor about it.

[17:00]

• A troll suggests Chris looks for loopholes in everything to justify himself. Chris cuts him off.
• Epic rage from the troll.
• Chris asks for forgiveness. Says everyone has a different interpretation of the Bible.
• Troll calls him out on his homophobia. Chris says he's taken it back, so it's ok.

[24:00]

• Chris sexual urges weren't as strong back when he had female friends.

[to be summarized]

[45:30]

• Chris is willing to perform a threesome involving two men. Julie is willing to do it with Chris and Emily then.
• It's not gay if balls aren't touching.
• Chris wants them to engage in tribbing.

[47:20]

• Sarah May thought Chris wanted her and Julie to have a threesome.
• Since Chris asked Sarah first, she can have the first threesome with Julie.
• Two women is Chris's limit.
• Chris can't decide between Sarah and Julie

[51:50]

• Both women can't get pregnant because Chris would wear a condom.
• The trolls explain the concept of friends with benefits. This is just too much for Chris to take in right now.

[56:00]

• The speed at which Chris produces his comic depends on how he is feeling.
• Chris should be able to draw more, say trolls
• Chris will try to get a page done a day.
• Derrick explains stream of consciousness writing. Chris talks about storing shit in his memory, which is totally the opposite style.

The following are not in order:

• Chris confirms he drank (recycled) his semen.
• Chris doesn't go to McDonald's often, "maybe two or three times a week."
• Chris says he measured his dick with a ruler.
• Sarah May is so upset Chris called her Julie she attempts suicide.
• Chris shrugs it off, saying he still has Julie.

Transcript

Guy: What's up?
Chris: Ahh, doin' okay, doin' okay. Got some stress, but I'm okay.
Mr. Roboto: Stress is bad.
Chris: Hm, haven't updated in a while-
Mr. Roboto: We enjoy the new- we enjoy the preview for the new comic.
Chris: Now, now just a, just a minor recent event that I won't go into, uh, it's just a minor inconvenience really. But it made me- mmm, basically in a nutshell my computer got turned off and I didn't turn it back on for a coupla days.
Mr. Roboto: That is terrible. It remind me of the time my mama had taken away my computer. Because I, I spent too much time on it. And she said "You spend too much time on computer!"
Chris: Huh. Goodness. Yeah. Yeah, but we don't have to go into that.
Julie: Hey Chris, there's something I forgot to ask.
Chris: Yeah?
Julie: Do you think you could do your Dona- your Donald Duck impersonation for me, please?
Mr. Roboto: He already did that before, didn't he?
Chris: [in his horrible Donald Duck voice] So ask me how was my day. What are we doin'? [quacks]
[Julie and others laugh]
Julie: Chris, how about, how about the- how about the Uncle Ruckus for everyone, please?
Chris: [equally horrible Uncle Ruckus voice] Don't trust them new niggers over there! Sing along if you know the words.
[pause]
Mr. Roboto: Um, I do not believe Ruckus ever says that. And I am from Russia, so I do not see much of the show though. [pause] Well, you should come see Russia, Chris. It is nice.
Chris: I'm sure it is.
Mr. Roboto: Yes. It is very- although we have high corruption in our government, we are fine people, and we work hard for our lives.
Chris: I do not disagree with you.
Mr. Roboto: Wait, you said that- are you saying that corruption is good thing?
Chris: No. I, I don't like corruption. I'm just saying that I agree, I agree with you on the fact that y'all are proud people. And respectable. [pause] Okay?
Guy: Like gays.
Chris: Hm. I guess, yeah.
Guy: [in camp gay voice] Obviously.
[pause]
Chris: Hm.
Guy: Chris, what's up?
Chris: Umm...nothing. Umm, lemme think...mmmmm...
Guy: I can't believe I'm talking to the real Christian Weston Chandler. It's mad.
Chris: Well, take a deep breath and accept it. 'Cause it's real.
Mr. Roboto: We love you, Chris. That is why we are impressed by the fact that you would do this for your fans.
Chris: Yep.
Guy: Accept no substitutions.
Guy: This is wicked awesome.
Chris: Yep. Accept no substitute. Hm.
Guy: Nothing but net.
Chris: Uhh, actually it's more like dot com, more like dot com now.
Julie: What did you say?
Guy: Nothing but dot com and [???]
Julie: Actually, what did you say a few minutes ago? I couldn't hear you.
Chris: Hm. Say a few minutes ago? I, what, when I was talking to the nice Russian guy?
Julie: Yeah.
Mr. Roboto: Yo.
Guy: I didn't know, actually-
Chris: I'm sorry, what?
[Julie and a guy talk at the same time]
Mr. Roboto: What did you say about me?
Chris: Uh, I said that you were a nice guy.
Mr. Roboto: No, I was tal- I'm- excuse me Chris, but what Bryan Bash was saying to me. I could not hear him.
Bryan Bash: Um, that's your username, isn't it? "Nice Russian Guy"?
Mr. Roboto: No, it is- no, it is Mr. Roboto. I enjoy the band Styx very much. We just get them here.
[Bryan laughs]
Chris: Okay, good. So-
Guy: Hello there, Chris. Sorry, I was having a bathroom break. [pause] And for the record, I love Styx too.
Mr. Roboto: Styx is good band.
Chris: I never heard Styx, but I will not disagree with you.
Guy: Um, have you ever sung "Come Sail Away"?
Chris: Um, I am afraid I have not heard that. Sorry.
Guy: Or "Renegade".
Chris: That one neither. I'm sorry.
[pause]
Guy: You've never heard "Mr. Roboto"? Dōmo arigatō, Mr. Roboto?
Chris: I've heard that used in cartoon shows, and other shows like that, other shows outside the cartoon.
Guy: Uhh-
Chris: I've heard the expression, but I've never heard the song. I didn't even know there was a song. So, um... just a minor ignorance because I did not know about it.
Guy: Oh, it's cool. Um, have you ever heard of the band Rush?
Chris: I've heard that, I've heard that band, yeah.
Guy: Rush is pretty awesome.
Julie: Chris, have you ever heard about Guns N' Roses?
Chris: Yeah, Guns N' Roses, that was, uh, Megan's favorite band.
Guy: I like Elton John, personally.
Guy: [interrupts previous guy] Speaking of Megan, whatever happened to her?
Mr. Roboto: You are gay for liking Elton John. In Russia, we beat up gays.
Guy: Dude. I like Elton John's music-
Mr. Roboto: [interrupts] You are also gay.
Guy: -I also like Boy George. Is that a problem?
Mr. Roboto: Boy George is homo.
[Mainly unintelligible as people shout over each other]
Guy: Hey Chris man-
Mr. Roboto: Yeah. I am sorry. I apologize.
Guy: So uh, speaking of YouTube... Just to say that he is actually gay. So uh, you know...
Chris: Who are we talking about?
[long pause]
Guy: You know the uh- [sounds like "Never Gonna Give You Up"] -song...
Chris: Oh yeah. That was-
Guy: [interrupts] Yeah so that was- [unintelligible]
Mr. Roboto: He's not gay.
[pause]
Chris: Well I dunno, so... I will not pass judgment either way.
Guy: What do you mean by "pass judgment"?
Chris: I mean I would not call him a homo or st- or whatever.
[pause]
Guy: Why would you call him a homo anyway?
Mr. Roboto: Because it is right to ridicule the a- the gays.
Guy: Russia must be a very violent place.
Mr. Roboto: It is. You should come here.
Guy: You are a very intolent person.
Mr. Roboto: I am very tolerant. It is my culture.
Guy: Very much so...
Other Guy: Your culture is intolerant.
Mr. Roboto: It is not my fault my culture is like this. I apologize for nothing.
[Muffled]
Mr. Roboto: No. They killed communists.
Chris: Yep. That's what I heard.
Mr. Roboto: Heard what?
Chris: That Russia does not like communists. They-
Mr. Roboto: [Interrupts] Oh we like communists. But stupid fascists killed communism. I would like to see communism returned. It was a fun time.
Julie:I never really liked Russia.
Mr. Roboto: Well Russia doesn't really like you. I heard you were from- [unclear] -state Molvanîa
Guy: Chris what's your- [Yelling] Shh! Hey Chris what's your favorite Dragonball Z character?
Chris: Ok-
[Long pause]
Guy: I'm gonna guess Goku.
Chris: No.
Guy:He's got that "Goku go get 'em" attitude.
Other Guy: I liked Piccolo myself.
Chris: I like Gohan's girlfriend.
Other Guy: Oh, did you know that "Videl" [the name of Gohan's girlfriend] is the word Devil rearranged?
Chris: I'm sorry. It's just a name.
[Slightly unintelligible chatter about Dragonball Z]
Guy: Chris what do you feel about Satanists?
[Pause]
Chris: Um... Uh yeah. I am not fo- I am not fond of those people.
Guy: You know they don't actually worship the Devil?
Chris: Hmm. I see. But anyway i am not fon- I am not really fond of them.
Guy: I know one in college. A Satanist. He pretty much- They don't worship the Devil but instead they- [muffled by other people]
Other Guy: Chris, you know the Ten Commandments? [pause] Do you know the Ten Commandments Chris?
Chris: Yeah. I do.
Guy: [overlapping] -Can you recite them for us?
Chris: Uh, yeah.
Guy: [overlapping] In the order that they're supposed to be.
Chris: Yeah. Give me a minute. [Sound of Chris wandering off, knocking stuff over]
Julie: Chris I don't think you should leave- [unintelligible]
[pause]
[Something from Mr Roboto]
[pause]
Chris: Alright the uh- Ten Commandments. [clearly reading from his Bible] "Thou shalt have no other God before me. Thou shalt not make unto thee any craven [sic] image. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord, thy God, in vain-"
Guy: [speaking over Chris] You are good at this...
Chris: "-Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Honor thy father and thy mother. Thou shalt not kill. Thou shalt not commit adultery. Thou shalt not steal. Thou shalt not swea- bear false witness against thy neighbor and thou shalt not covet anything that is thy neighbors."
Guy: Uh we were kinda hoping you'd recite them off the top of your head.
[muffled]
Guy: -Ah it's been a while since i read it. Name the seven deadly sins.
Other Guy: [muffled] I dunno why he asked that...
[muffled. Something about sex before marriage. Various clicks from someone's computer]
Chris: Yeah-
Mr. Roboto: Yes. You are a whore if you have sex before marriage.
Julie: EXCUSE ME? What did you say?
Mr. Roboto: I said nothing, Molvanîan bitch.
Julie: EXCUSE ME?
Chris: Yeah I heard him. Go ahead and kick that guy out.
Guy: Ok he's kicked now...
Julie: [in a very boyish voice] Son of a bitch...
Guy: Seriously all the ones i know are- [muffled]
Guy: I think it's true also though, I think he's a closet homo. Seriously.
Chris: Well he's gone now, we don't have to worry about him anymore.
[people yelling over each other]
Guy: But he did bring up a good point. Isn't sex before marriage adultery? Isn't lusting after girls adultery?
Chris: [interrupting] Listen, listen, listen.
Guy: Ok I'm listening.
Chris: Ok. My pastoral counselor has told me herself that it's ok. As long as she and I love each other truly and very much.
Julie: Yes well Chris, well I [people talk over "her"] Let me finish!
Chris: Let her finish please.
Julie: Well in the Methodism I follow - there's no sex before marriage.
[unintelligible]
Chris: Well it's um... Yeah...
Guy: Um. Why do you think has a better interpretation of the Bible? Your counselor, or God?
Chris: Hmm. Well... The Bible can can be misinterpreted in a number of ways. Umm-
Julie: Chris, if I may? As a girl I don't (?) sex before marriage.
Guy: I thought it was pretty straightforward. I mean... Jesus said himself that if you look at a woman whilst you're basically, you're maintaining a pretty- [talked over by Julie]
Chris: Mmm. Julie we can talk about this further after you get here. We can talk to my- my uh- my pastor at my church about it further.
Julie:: I've studied many times, I've discussed it in my letter. Chris: Yeah. But I'm just saying, that we can talk to my pastor about it. [muffled]
Guy:: We're all just trying to help you out man. Other Guy: We don't want you to go to hell. We don't want you to go to hell for having premarital sex [Chris interrupts]
Chris: God is forgiving. Other Guy: Not on this planet.
Chris: Oh Jesus is forgiving.
Guy: Well What if...[interrupted]
Other Guy: well it's ok to have sex out of marriage, but it's not ok if you're gay, is that what you're saying?
Guy: [unintelligible]
Other Guy: Chris, you seem to find try to justify yourself every time by adding loopholes to your Bible just so you can have premarital sex and everything and I don't fucking get it. You're trying to justify yourself for having a Playboy, and you're trying to justif….and your always justif...[interrupted by Chris]
Chris: I AM NOT!
Other Guy: No! No! I'm not having a No! Fuck You! You're a fucking hypocritical douchebag!
Chris: Well sometimes I don't know everything, so excuse me…for that.
Other Guy: [unintelligible]
Chris: I will listen, I will. Listen, listen, I appreciate your help, but you know when it comes to religion I think, uh... our own individual interpretations each of us individually is uh as is important to us so my interpretation... and, uh, y'alls interpretation which are respectable uh-
Guy: [interjects] Which you're right!
Chris: ... are important
Other Guy: Okay, so Chris, uh, just wanted to know, why so much hate against the gays, I mean if religion can be interpreted any way... [interrupted] ... seriously.
Chris: uh hmm. I... Okay well… Okay I take all the times I said hated the homos, but obviously when I said that I was uh under a whole bunch of stress, and I felt most uncomfortable around them and men in general, so I guess I just picked the wrong word, so I apologize.
Guy: Um, this is just like the time where'd ya-ya-you trying to say that a whole lot of you said were made at times of stress but um, sooner or later you know that isn't it you know going to be like... you can't retract every every statement because you made it out of stress, you know.
Chris: I know I can't retract every one, but those I am able to retract, I can and will. [unintelligible]
Chris: I had a misunderstanding at that time
Guy: [unintelligible] had a lot of stress at that time.

(42:20 - 48:25)
Chris: [Returning after being away for a while] Hmmm.
Guy 1: Welcome back.
Chris: Yep.
Guy 2: What was that about, Chris?
Chris: Yep.
Guy 2: What was that all about, Chris?
Chris: I just had to-- My Mom asked me to uh, go take her clothes out of the washing machine and put them in the dryer.
Guy 2: [something]
Chris: Okay, yeah.
Guy 1: Uh, Chris, I have a question, actually.
Chris: Yeah.
Guy 1: I have this friend... I think he-- It's a different friend, I think he might be gay.
Chris: Wow.
Guy 1: He uh... After he's done masturbating he drinks his own semen, is that gay?
Chris: Uhhhhh, no. I don't think s- I don't think so, because, uh... I've done that, it's called "recycling" it.
Guy 2: Guys--
Guy 1: Wait, let him answer.
Chris: Yeah, it's basically recycling, it's like uh, he doesn't necessarily have to lost it... Because you know, you think of it waste if you- If you banged it out... And then you uh, and then you put- It's like you flush it down the commode or leave it in the uh, condom and put it in the garbage can.
Guy 2: But isn't it burned up by stomach acid?
Guy 3: Yeah, it--
Chris: Well, yeah-- Yeah, yeah, yeah, but... STILL. Still, it's good for the new sperm cells. And plus there's also- Plus I've learned on the Internet that there's... There's vitamins in the- In the sperm cells, as well. So like, it's like basically you're helping yourself when you do that.
Guy 1: That's interesting. I hear that the--
Chris: Although- Although personally I've kind of gotten sick of, uh... Swallowing my own. So like, you know... So, lately I've just been disposing of them.
Julie: Umm--
Chris: I mean it just depends on your own individual tastes. Uh, yes, Julie?
Julie: Well I heard somebody say "Hi Chris", it sounded like a female, who was it?
Chris: I don't know, I wasn't paying attention.
Emily: Oh, that was me... My name's Emily.
Chris: Oh. Hi, Emily.
Emily: I really like your comics.
Chris: Thank you. (Pause) Thank you very much.
Emily: I don't understand why you're still single, honestly.
Chris: Tell me about it.
Julie: But, Chris, you're--
Chris: Oh right, but I am in love with, uh, Julie... right there, who just spoke just now. But...
Emily: Oh, she sounds like she's really pretty.
Chris: Hey, take that as a compliment Julie.
Julie: Thank you.
Emily: Maybe we can have a threesome.
Chris: (shocked/happy) Oh wow!
Julie: But--
Chris: I'm sorry, go ahead, Julie.
Julie: well, Chris has stated before that he does not want a threesome with two men.
Chris: Well I will-- Actually, Julie, I gave it some thought. And I am willing to do that for you. If you wanna do it with another- If you wanna do a threesome with uh, two guys... As long as, uh, I'm one of them... Uh, I'm okay with that. I've come to accept it.
Julie: Alright, I guess... I'll accept a threesome with two women.
Chris: Well- You hear that, Emily? After Julie and I have done it a few times we can invite you.
Emily: That'd be really cool! I mean can go shopping at a sex store beforehand.
Guy 1: You said with two guys?
Chris: Uh... yeah.
Guy 1: Isn't that gay?
Chris: Uhhhhmmm...
Guy 2: Not if balls aren't touching. They say it's not gay if all balls are not touching.
Chris: Yeah I'm--
Guy 2: Ball separation is key, guys. Ball separation is key.
Chris: Yeah. Uh, you hear- You hear that, Julie? That's uh... an official for us in that sense.
Julie: Chris, wouldn't you like to be--
Guy 1: Well you know what I say-- (Talking over each other)
Chris: Hang on. Julie, say that again please?
Julie: Well, when we do have a threesome with two women, what would you like me and Miss Emily to do?
Chris: (Takes a deep breath, excited) Wow. I guess I'll put it out in the open, because I thought I'd told you before, Julie, but um... You know I--
Julie: [something]
Chris: Okay, well, you know like how, uh, lesbians do like a scissor thing? Uh, yeah--
Guy 2: You mean like "tribbing".
Chris: I'm sorry, what was that?
Guy 2: You mean tribbing. Yeah, that's the actual term.
Chris: Okay, well... While two girls are tribbing, I put my dick between the two... Just-- Between the two pussies. (Awkward pause)
Emily: I think that would be really hot.
Guy 2: Seems kind of uncomfortable.
Emily: It's actually not, I've done it before.
Guy 2: Ooooh!
Sarah May: Um, Chris, it's me, it's Sarah May.
Chris: Hi, Sarah.
Sarah May: I thought you were waiting for me and Julie to have a threesome.
Chris: Oh--
Sarah May: I thought it was gonna be special.
Chris: Oh. Well--
Emily: There can be four now!
Chris: Heh... Or, uh, you know- Or Sarah, since, you know, I asked you first, we'll let you... We'll let you come over before Emily.
Sarah May: But... I wanted it to be special, y'know, but...
Chris: It- It can be special, Sarah. It can be.
Sarah May: Okay... I'm really upset right now, I feel like you don't care about me.
Chris: Sarah, I do care about you. I'm sorry I upset you.
Sarah May: ...Thank you, Chris.
Chris: But--
Guy 1: So how many men would you do it with?
Chris: Uh... I'd... I think, uh... Yeah I think, uh, two women is my limit. So like, you know... Just have to do it one at a time, but Sarah calls for dibs on the threesome act.

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