Mumble 6
Mumble 6 is the sixth of the Mumble chats involving Chris, held on 10th February 2009.
Summary
- Chris has received a letter from Nintendo of America stating that he hasn't been in touch with Shigeru Miyamoto. The trolls try to convince him that the letter is fake.
- Chris gives more advice on whether Falsion's friend is a homo by suggesting he'll be drawn to posters of men more than those of women in the fan's bedroom.
- Julie probes Chris on why he dislikes homos so much. Chris flounders.
- Chris first made his medallion because he wanted to, before he ever drew any comics and wears it all the time because it's like a nametag. Might make one for Julie.
- Someone hacked Sonichugirls.net. Julie is outraged.
- Chris doesn't hate all men, just the ones who are jerks, which is the 'majority of the male population'. When called on it, admits he doesn't know how he knows that men are jerks without knowing them.
- Chris doesn't remember saying that transgender people should have surgery. Now says that they shouldn't. Confuses transgender with intersex and says that if he had a child with both organs he would raise it as a boy.
- If Chris was dating a girl and she turned out to have a penis, he would freak out, throw up and dump her.
- Sonic replaced American Rabbit as Chris's favorite cartoon character.
- Chris's favorite soap opera is The Young and the Restless. He used to watch MTV's Undressed.
- Chris feels as if his life is a soap opera, as he's had a lot of drama.
- Chris hasn't decided if there will be a Chris Chandler show. Everyone says it's a great idea.
- Sonic 3D is Chris's favorite Sonic game.
- The Chris Chandler show would be improvised with no commercial breaks. When Jack Thaddeus calls him on the show needing to make money, Chris says that he doesn't know how to make commercials.
- Chris never received the Jet, Ebony and Vibe magazines that a troll called hottiee96 subscribed him to.
- Chris says he's irregular with comics because "It's called a life".
- Hamsty asks what Chris does, considering he has no job. Chris stalls, before saying that he can't describe his daily schedule on a whim at the moment and had better not say. He blames [[stress].
- Chris says that he gets stressed and needs a day to recover. Fans point out the contradiction of drawing comics to relax and using stress as an excuse not to draw them. Chris says that he feels uncomfortable with the questions.
- Chris does Sonichu's voice. It sounds like Chris, only slightly higher. Fans praise this fantastic rendition.
- Chris says that he would want Archie Comics to publish Sonichu.
- There will be no lesbian relationships in Chris' comics, as he promotes heterosexuality.
- Chris obnoxiously cuts off a fan who asks about Nintendo and copyright, saying "I don't know, I don't know, I'm not a business genius."
- They talk about anime and video games. Chris doesn't like the nudity in Shin Chan because dicks 'offend' him.
- Says that him drawing Sonichu with his dick out was different because he was wearing a condom.
- Chris confirms that he ripped off the workings of Sonichu's penis from a line from Brian in Family Guy.
- Chris does not like poo in a fetishistic sense.
- Chris can't remember why he admitted his dirty crapped briefs to Clyde.
- Chris is still trying to upload the Nintendo of America letter.
- The adult scenes in Sonichu are not 'lost content', they are 'removable deleted scenes' and the comic can be read with or without them. This is how he designed it.
- Chris will not undergo speech therapy because he had it when he was a child.
- Chris does a terrible high-pitched impersonation of someone with no front teeth.
- Chris cuts off a question about the PS3 being the main console of the gay community, as he's bothered by it.
- CWCville's employment situation is discussed. Sonichu & Rosechu's job is protecting CWCville and everything is free for them.
- Chris liked the Spice Girls, but didn't have a favorite.
- CWCville was founded just by Bob, shortly after Chris was born.
- Bob told Chris that Sonichu was viable as regards copyrighting. Chris has paid the Library of Congress $35 for copyright years ago and hasn't heard anything.
- Chris has uploaded the Nintendo of America letter. The fans deny that it's real and attempt to discredit it. Chris refuses to listen.
- Chris starts to leave, Clyde Cash enters. The HONEST and TRUE fans all decry this disgraceful human being.
- Clyde says that Julie is afraid of how her life with Chris will turn out, and that her parents will take her away. Chris protests that he's cleaned his room.
- Clyde says Chris needs to clean up his act to be with Julie, asks if he pays taxes. Chris says he's paid sales tax.
- Chris pleads the fifth when Clyde asks how much credit card debt he has. When pressed, he admits to having almost $2000 to offset his savings of $100.
- Chris says that if he decides he has to get a job when he and Julie are married, he will.
- Chris claims that he can cook 'anything that's within his cookbook'.
- Chris admits he was lying about looking for jobs he can do with his CADD degree, but he can start looking. Clyde calls him out on lying to Julie so much, and Chris whines about his "insultive tone".
- Julie says that she's read up on Christianity and there's no premarital sex. Chris says that Methodists are allowed.
- Chris claims to cook for himself the majority of the week. Says he cooks a lot of things for himself. When pressed, he says vegetables, meats and soups, depending on shopping. His parents cook separately from him, as they live on a different floor.
- Chris says he will look for a job, depending on who's hiring. Will think about getting a job now.
- Chris's schedule currently varies from day to day, but he does a lot of creative things. Yesterday he cleaned his room.
- Julie says that drawing comics is currently Chris's job and he should work on it. Chris promises that he will.
- Chris says Ich bin schwul and leaves.
- BlueSpike and the others laugh about Chris admitting to being a homo.
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Transcript
Meet and Greet
[The various trolls greet Chris, talking over each other]
Julie: Heeey Chris!
Troll: Willkommen!
[sound of junk getting moved around]
Troll: Hello.
Troll: Morning!
Chantelle: Hey Chris!
Troll: Uhh- hello, Chris! What's up?
Troll: Hello! How're you doing?
Chris: [Chris speaks in an effiminate voice] Hellloo...
Troll: [inaudiable]
[pause]
Troll: So what are you up to tonight, Chris?
Chris: Uhh, nothing much, just uhh... take'n care of things.
Troll: Aww, that's good.
[The audio cuts out here for a moment. Presumably, the same thing happened in the chat.]
Chris: Sorry, what?
Chris: Julie bought me here. You asked for me to come and I so I did.
Troll: Did you... come for your fans at all?
Chris: Uhh, yeah I came for my fans.
Troll: Cool.
Chris: Mmm. Matter of fact I have an update...
Troll: Oooh?
Troll: Ohh awesome!
Chris: But... well unfortunately yeah, it was in a video but it didn't get, uhh, processed fast enough... I've just had to start uploading it.
Troll: Yeeeah... YouTube's really slow at that... depending on what you use. It's a'right.
Troll: It's like... they need to invest their money more in technology.
Chris receives a letter.
Chris: Yeah. Anyway, uhh, as I have already told Julie and Sarah May, mm, I have received a letter in the snail mail today from Mr-
Chris: I have recevied a letter in the snail mail today from Nintendo of America's representative Mike Chandler- no relation- In response to what I have sent Nintendo of America previously. Anyway, it-it-it verifies my uh- families and friends and uhh... my theory so that, uhh, and I quote, Mr Shigeru Miyamoto did not have a meeting scheduled with you, nor has he be- has he been corresponding with you. Mr Miyamoto speaks and write only -
Troll: [Talking over Chris] I'll be right back.
Chris: [very annoyed] -very limited English...! ... and our game development teams do not accept unsolicited game development suggestions or other ideas. Although Mr Miyamoto made occasional business trips to the US, he spends the majority of his time in Japan at Nintendo's headquarters. So, in short I've- I've actually been talking to.... impostors.
[The trolls begin talking over each other at this point]
Troll: Well, you don't know if he's an impostor or not, I mean, I mean,
Troll: Oooooh....
Troll: You know...
Troll: I mean, look at that, it had your last name- it didn't really sound legit...
Troll: Hold on, guys hold on, hold on. Just lemme...
[Brief silence]
Troll: Well, it could have been intercepted by a troll because he did say that Miyamoto doesn't speak- speaks limited Jap- I mean, limited English, but... I've seen YouTube videos of him speaking a lot... urn... in English... and... I don't- I think that's a lie- that guy obviously doesn't know anything about Miyamoto.
Troll: You know, I- I've heard about stuff like this happening, you know, one of my cousins is in the business industry and he says with a lot of these big companies they get mix- things mixed up all the time. Maybe they thought they were sending it to like- maybe they thought you were someone else, or they sent it to somebody who had the wrong address, you know, they can screw stuff up an awful lot.
Chris: Well anyways, it's an official letter from Nintendo of America, because uhh... the envelope, is-is-is-is just like the previous envelopes I've gotten from Nintendo of America, as well as the uh... letter head on the... letter. It's typed.
[The trolls talk over each other here. The general drift is: "It's easy to forge..."]
Chris: [annoyed] It was typed.
Troll: Yeah, it's easy to forge.
Chris: [still annoyed] It was typed.
[Windows beeping in the background]
Chris: [yep, still annoyed] It was typed.
[More Windows beeping in the background]
Chris: And-and-and it has a signature on there.
Troll: Just because it's typed and it has a signature on there doesn't mean it's real.
Troll: In fact, wouldn't typing it make it more easier to forge since it's not handwriting?
Troll: And a signature doesn't mean anything, I mean, you nev- I mean you don't know this guy so... it's just somebody's signature.
Chris: Look, I'll tell y'all- look, I'll tell y'all what, I'll scan the envelope AND the letter and put it on the Sonichu site [annoyed] LATER [pause; the trolls talk all at once] and y'all- and y'all- can fig- and y'all decide from that.
Troll: We're tryin to help you, Chris. We're trying to help you and do what's best for you...
Troll: We're trying to make sure nobody's trying to trick you.
Troll: Yeah.
Troll: We're here to back you up.
[silence]
Games, etc.
Julie: Yeah. I can always play it on my PS3, or my Nintendo Wii when I ever get one...
Troll: Hex Bawx.
Julie: I hate the Hex Bawx.
Troll: I'm a PC player myself.
[The trolls talk all at once for about 10 seconds]
Chris: I'm gonna go get the scanner and make it ready to scan.
[some trolls mutter back and forth, mostly silence]
[lengthy pause]
Troll: ... [whisper] cocks!
[The trolls laugh; sound of things moving around and other noise in the background]
Julie: Can I ask you something, Chris?
Various Trolls: He's scanning. He's scanning things.
Chris: Yeah, I just got back with it and I'm... scanning it.
The Molvanîan Language, et. al.
Julie: Oh hey Chris?
Troll: Excellent...!
Chris: Yeah Julie? [Chris sounds disinterested]
Julie: Can you do me the favor?
Chris: Sure, what?
Julie: Can you tell everyone what I taught you today- the new, uhh, Molvanîan word?
Chris: Oooh- ooh. Yeah. Julie uhh... Julie is from Molvanîa... it's uh neigh- it's uh-it neighbors- it neighbors other countries such as Germany and Slovakia. [pause] Anyway, uhh, she taught me how to say "I love you" in Molvanîa.
[A troll screams in entirely understandable horror, possibly comprehending what will occur next...]
Chris: Ich- Ich baan schwill. [sic]
[Julie says something in the background, something about 'a'right now, okay, keep going']
Chris: Yeah I just pretty much said it. Ich baan schwill. [sic]
Julie: Ahh, a'right. I love you too!
Chris: Yep.
Troll: You have a gift for languages, Chris.
Troll: Really!
Troll: I can see why you pick up Spanish.
Troll: First Spanish, and now Molvanîan. You're moving on up!
Chris: Well, right now I just have like a few... greetings. And the 'I love you' there.
Troll: Before you know it you might be speaking Japanese with Mr Miyamoto.
[Chris seems to forget that, just minutes ago, he had decided that 'Miyamoto' was an impostor and doesn't mention it.]
Chantelle: Or French? [the honey-voiced troll speaks a little French in a sultry tone, but Chris just talks over the top of her]
Chris: Well, uhh, I know a little bit of Japanese. Like... konichiwa. [awkward pause] And sayonara.
Chantelle: Do you know any French words?
[More Windows beeping in the background]
Chris: Uhh... wee wee mon amime [sic].
Chantelle: Ahh... mmm. I see.
[Chris says a bit more mangled French; it's difficult to make out but obviously terrible.]
Chantelle: [forced, slightly scared giggle] That's uh, that's that's... very nice. Merci! Merci beaucoup... [another giggle]
Chris: Merci!
Chantelle: That means 'thank you'!
Chris: I know.
Chantelle: Okay, just making sure! [another 'please don't rape me' giggle is squeezed out]
Idle Chatter
Julie: So, uh, Chris. How are things?
Chris: Things are, uh well at home. I'm safe and well, and I'm looking forward to you arriving, Julie.
Julie: Hmm!
[awkward silence]
Troll: Uhh, what happened last time? You were interrupted by... something.
Chris: Sorry, what?
Troll: 'member last time you came? I don't know what happened, but you had to sign off for some reason.
Chris: I don't 'member that, it was like a long time ago... that was pretty much a long time ago at this point.
Troll: Uhh, never mind.
Troll: Yeah...
Troll: I can't even remember what I had for breakfast. [snort]
Chantelle: [sweet, cute giggle]
Troll: Well, it happens, it happens. Sometimes you can remember things from birth... and like, from, childhood years... and sometimes you can't remember things from last week!
Troll: Stress does influence memory, so it's understandable.
Troll: Yeah... I suffer from that... occasionally.
[awkward pause]
Movies
Troll: So Chris, seen any good movies recently?
Chris: Mmm... good movies, good movies... I saw Saw V?
Troll: And how was that?
Julie: Oooh, and what did you think of it?
Chris: I thought it was- I thought it was neat and very interesting... I mean I saw the previous four. ... which I have on DVD. But I got Saw V on Bluray.
Troll: Sounds pretty crazy. Was it scary?
[awkward pause]
Troll: Were the special effects realistic enough to make it seem... scary... enough?
Chris: Yeah. [pause]
Troll: Did it have enough traps? That was my complaint.
Chris: Yeah, I mean uh, I think uh, I think the scariest thing from that movie would be after that- after that guy removed his arm from the- from the saw, and it was like split down to the elbow. But you know-
Troll: I remember that.
Troll: Oh, wow!
Chris: But then- but then you realize from the behind the scenes footage that that actually was just a fake arm.
Troll: Yeah, well, they wouldn't do that in real life because they would have to, like, pay a lot of people...
Chris: Yeah.
Troll: I mean, like, the special effects they use nowadays is pretty impressive.
Chris: Yeah.
Troll: The men were jerks in that movie, the saw vic- the jigsaw victims. I mean like they let that poor girl- uhh... that poor girl die at the beginning the trap...
Chris: Yeah. It's like they could- it's like they didn't- it's like, it's like they didn't know at the time they could have gotten away with all five of them alive at the front line through the whole... setup [???]. But uh, still, you know, I mean, the whole setup they had going there... the girl... the woman actually had her head going through a hole in the wall, while there was a whole fake, empty neck atop of it.
Troll: Yeah... yeah. I just can't believe how much the men were jerks in that movie. They weren't... especially....
Julie: Yeah. That movie make me kinda mad...
Troll: Sexist!
Troll: Do you think they'll make a sixth... Saw movie?
Chris: [ Chris speaks as though he were a great authority on the matter ] Yeah, I think they'll make a Saw VI, I mean- I figured they... you figured they gave the role of Jigsaw over to Detective Hoffman, so he could probably do something in the next one. Plus, I'm still wondering, what was the fate of the uh... doctor. You remember from the first Saw, that uh, that actually cut off his foot?
Chantelle: Mmm hmm!
Troll Chorus: Yeah...
Chris: Well, y-you find out that basically... you find out he's into crawling away [sic? I haven't actually seen anything other than Saw I and II...]. You find him doing that in Saw III. But yeah you don't see anything of him in Saw f-...four, except for that one time when they actually- they talk about that little piece of evidence that went against him in the first Saw.
Chantelle: [Chantelle coughs her sexy, sexy cough] Mmm. Excuse me.
Troll: Yeah... Uhh... I never really was into horror. What is it that, uh, makes horror movies so enjoyable?
Chris: Hmm. I would say probably the, uh, story, and uh...
Julie: Oh hey Chris, can I ask a question?
Chris: Yeah?
Julie: What's your favorite kind of movie?
Chris: Mmm- I mostly like, uh, romantic comedies.
Troll: Oh, those can be good. [More Windows beeping]
Chris: Yeah, they're fun. I've uh- I've uh- gone back to the Moonlight Confession episode of Shuffle. That's uh, that's episode 10.
Troll: I prefer animated movies myself, you know... Disney, Pixar...
Troll: So do I.
[A soft, computer generated 'bong!' noise can be heard in the background]
[Chantelle gasps in the background, a soft noise like the first breath of air on a summer's day]
Troll: I just watched Finding Nemo recently... just this weekend.
Chris: I liked Toy Story.
Troll: That was a good one.
Troll: That is such a classic!
Troll: My friends and I quote that ALLL the time whenever we watch it.
Chris: To ef-fenity [sic] and beyond. [Chris gets the 'tone' of the catch-phrase completely, completely wrong; it sounds like some kind of deranged, toneless rap ]
[short, stunned silence]
Troll: There's a snake in mah boot! I always liked that line.
Troll: I [inaudible] Oh, I'm sorry.
Chris: Sorry, you were saying?
Troll: I was just saying, I have a toy Woody, which when you pull the string it says "I have a snake in mah boots"...
Chris: [ stress sigh ] Yep, those were sold in the toy stores.
Troll: I- I remember in like... one of my favorite type of movies is, um, martial arts.
Chris: Oh. I saw Kung Fu Panda like, recently... on Bluray.
[Possible audio cut here?]
Troll: Oh. Like, name- name a-a couple.
Chris: Oh I just uh- okay yeah, I can remember another one. Mmm. Hard Boiled. I got the collector's edition of Stranglehold Playstation 3. That was...
Troll: Hey, Hard Boiled? Wasn't that a John Woo movie with Chao Yung Fat?
Chris: Yeah.
Troll: And he's like, 'Oh man, I love that one!' and he's- and he's got, and he has a gunfight in the hospital- that's a really good one.
Chris: And I saw Kill Bills volume I and II.
Troll: Oh those are pretty impressive! [pause] Also, um. Have you ever heard about the new Dragonball movie that's about to come out... in two months?
Chris: Mmm. No, uh, ye- no- ye- no I haven't. But I've heard- but I have, uh watched a bunch of Dragonball episodes. Uhh... Dragonball, Dragonball Z, 'n Dragonball GT... and I have seen some of the movies. Oh- a-and I have also seen the orig- the, uh, the Street Fighter Movie... a long time ago.
Troll: Ooooh I remember that one.
Chris: And I'm also looking forward to the one where they... the new Street Fighter movie that's coming out that's gunna be be surrounding Chung Li.
[The trolls talk over each other at this point]
Troll: Oh yeah. Oh yeah.
Troll: Did you play Street Fighter IV?
Troll: Ooh, Chung Li was my favourite Street Fighter character... actually.
Chris: Me too.
[Julie and a troll talk over each other]
Julie: Oh wait-
Troll: -reet Fighter IV?
Julie: Yeah. [pause] Cuz Chris, I'm gonna get it and I wanna play against you...
Chris: What, Street Fighter IV?
Julie: Yeah!
Chris: Yeah I was thinking about- yeah I-I was thinking about getting the collector's edition version... of that.
Julie: Mmm.
[The generic sound of junk being moved around in the background; a slight pause. Oh, will Chantelle ever rear her beautiful, swanlike head again!?]
Julie: Chris, who's your favorite person to use in Street Fighter, who do you use the most?
Chris: Chung Li.
Julie: I also use Dan.
Troll: I use Kammy.
Chris: In Soul Caliber I use Cassandra.
[pause]
Troll: Oh. What a coincidence, I actually use Cassandra a lot... in Soul Caliber.
Troll: I play Savantes. [sic? I can barely hear] I like play Savantes... a lot.
Chris: You don't saaaaaay. Hmm. [Chris' voice rises and falls in an incredibly homosexual manner, like the words of an uptight British gentleman being informed his duck is remarkable both in length and girth]
Broken Wii, More Games
Troll: Hey Chris, I have a question.
Chris: Shoot.
Troll: Uhh- two weeks ago my Wii broke and I have to send it in for repairs, and it's not gunna be back for like two weeks... what do you think- what should I do to fill that time slot until I get it back?
Chris: Umm... do what you're normally doing right now- like as if uhh.. you're living- I mean, you're pretty much living with that right now, just continue on with that... until uhh... you get it back.
Troll: Thanks Chris, that's great advice.
[The troll is very sarcastic. Chris doesn't notice. ]
Chris: Simple, really! Not rocket scEYEnce[sic].
[pause]
Troll: You play any other fighting games... or have any other fighting games?
Chris: Yeah, I just mentioned S-Soul Caliber, [mumble] Street Fighter, [unaudiable]... I-I also played Tekken.
Troll: Anything else?
Troll: I played that.
Chris: And-and a little bit of Mortal Kombat.
Troll: Oh. Have you ever played, uh. You had a Dreamcast before, right? Or do you still have one?
Chris: Yeah I still have my Dreamcast.
Troll: You ever played Powerstorm?
Chris: Yeah I've- I've played a demo of Powerstorm. Powerstone.
Troll: Oh yeah. Playing into that thing, uh- on your Dreamcast, did you ever play Phantasy Star Online?
Chris: No.
Anime, more games
Julie: Aaa- Chris, can I ask you a question?
Chris: Sure.
Julie: What do you think of the Mother series?
Chris: ... mmm. Y- Oh yeah- you told me about your favourite song from there... uhh- I don't know much ab- I don't know- I do not know much about it, so...
Troll: Uhh- It's also known as Earthbound when it came out on-
Chris: Oh yeah, oh yeah, Earthbound, oh yeah, I mean I've heard- I may have heard about Earthbound... oh yeah, that's right. I remember hearing its Japanese name was Mother. ... or it was also known as MOTH-A.
[a stunned, confused silence settles over the trolls. Presumably there is an audio cut here.]
Chris: [pause] Mmmmm. [pause] Uhh... uhh, I don't think so.
[pause]
Julie: You should play Phantasy Star Online.
Chantelle: What about Freerealms? [Oh yes! Chantelle is back. My Heart Level rises up to 82%!]
Troll: Yeah the whole... the whole... fanchat was playing Phantasy [inaudible] for the last few days, it was fun.
[The sound of some kind of tapping can be heard in the background; presumably this is Chris because there is a pause and he doesn't speak until the tapping stops.]
[Chris and Julie talk over each other, along with a burst of static]
Julie: -lay with us.
Chris: Uh. I might consider that. [Chris doesn't sound sincere]
Troll: I mean, we could show you how to get set up and everything.
Chris: Uhh- I don't- yeah well, I don't, I mean- uhh... Not tonight. [pause] But I'll consider it.
Julie: Okay-
Troll: Also, also, um, [Julie begins to talk over the troll] reading to the left-
Julie: I mean, Jaggy, [Julie is very unclear here] Sorry could you let someone else, everyone Jaggy, I didn't mean to hurry up- I mean, Chris, you can actually be Sonic in it! It's awesome!
Troll: Yeah actually I'm playing as Tails!
[more clicking]
Chris: Duuhokay!
[pause]
Music and Computers
Troll: What do you think of the Beatles?
[audio cut]
Chris: It's, uh, just Nate Street Pavilion.
Julie: What Operating System do you have, W-Windows XP?
Chris: Yeah. [pause] Windosse [sic] XP.
Julie: How much RAM do you have?
Chris: Mmm. I don't know how much RA- how much total... RAM I have, but uh... yeah... I've pretty much got my... got my memory capacity- fill it up with like... tracks from iTunes, some videos, and, uh, [[rule 34|images].
[ Chris stupidly confuses the volatile Random Access Memory (or RAM) in a computer with permanent hard drive storage. This is from someone who, according to what he told Kacey's father in the Father Call, "...took a computer upgrading class where [he] put together a computer, a personal computer, from scratch." To make an elementary, basic mistake like this is much like a car mechanic mistaking the spare tyre for the steering wheel. Even Julie, a thirteen year old boy without an IT background, knew the difference. Honour roll my arse. ]
[stunned silence]
[audio cut]
Chris: Ohh. Ohh. CPU Speed...
Troll: Like, your- your hard disk space... is for gigabytes and stuff.
Chris: Yeah. Well. I don't know what my- [stress sigh]
[audio cut]
[volume is very muted and quiet when it comes back]
Chris: Yeah. Yeah... 'bout random access memory.
Troll: Also, um, Hamsty said, um, what-what do you think of the Beatles? [the troll has a noticeable echo. Where, oh where, is Chantelle?]
Chris: Uhh, they're okay. I- [pause] I mean, [static] I mean, I've heard the Beatles, but it's not like I've formed a total... full opinion of them. But you know, they're okay.
Troll: Oh, okay.
[pause; the sound of shit getting moved around and occasional quiet muttering is present in the background for almost twenty seconds here]
Identifying a Homo
Troll: Uhh, Chris?
Chris: Yeah?
Troll: You know that [homo|friend] that uh- you told me to get rid of? He sent me an e-mail... and he's saying uh- waitddaminute [sic]. This e-mail says, uh... 'Dude, I'm not gay, your room is so small and there's nowhere to sit; 'course I sat next to you, how else- I mean, w-what else was I supposed to do?' Lemme skim over it... and then, at the end here, he says, uh, 'Dude, get it through your fucking head as much as you possibly can; I AM STRAIGHT." What am I supposed to say to him? Is he- is he gay or what?
[The occasional sound of typing was heard while the troll was talking; Chris obviously wasn't paying any attention and has, almost certainly, completely forgotten about an event which didn't directly concern him ]
Chris: I- I'm sorry could you-, I'm sorry, so, he-he-he... he said that he was... straight?
Troll: Yeah, he's telling me that he only sat next to me because my room was so small.
Chris: Hmm. [Chris has obviously forgotten]
Troll: You know, the friend that thought I was gay?
Chris: Oh yeah! Hmm. [long pause] Mmm.
Troll: I think he's lying, I think he's gay.
Chris: Mmm. [Chris' voice rises to a high pitched squeak, outshining even Julie] Well there is one thing... y-y-there is a, uh... test you could figure out... uhh... you could fill out- uhh... do you have any posters in your room?
Troll: Uhh... wait, my room?
[It sounds like Chris is eating something in the background, possibly with a wrapper. It's a little disgusting.]
Chris: Yeah. Where y'all would... hang out.
Troll: Not really.
Chris: Mmm. Okay, well, uh... fill half the- fill half your-, cover half of your room with- [the troll talks over Chris] with- with-
Troll: Oh you-you mean like a Sailor Moon poster? Yeah, I have one of those.
Chris: Yeah, uh, lemme- [Chris sounds annoyed] let me finish. Cover half of your room with pic-uh, with posters of women. Half of your room with posters of women. You know, c- you know, could be anime, bikini's, oooor.... posters you pull out from a Playboy.
[pause]
Troll: Oh, I-I have those, yeah.
Chris: And then uh, on the other half of your room fill them up with, uh ... posters of.... guys. [pause] And like uh, you know you could-
[the troll interrupts]
Troll: I-I-I don't know about that man, I'm not gay.
Chris: I know, but you know you don't have to put- you don't have to... put them in, like, you know, their underwear, but you could use like war hero posters like, uh, like a Call of Duty 4... poster. Something like that.
Troll: Oh yeah.
Chris: Yeah but anyway, uh-
Troll: But uh, Call of Duty's not gay!
Chris: [pause] I know but, you know... [pause] yeah. But anyway uh, go half your room in women posters and the other half of your room in uh... guy posters but uh- and then see which uh- which side of the room he leans towards. More.
Troll: But what if he really likes Call of Duty? Does that mean he's gay? Urggh...
Chris: Maybe you could cover up the... title of the game if you wanted to, or uh j- or just like, fold it over. You know, just move the game title- but just like, you know, make sure you have the guy- just y'know. Just having the guy there and then... you know-
Troll: But it's a guy shooting stuff. That's awesome.
Chris: Yeah but to a h- a but to- when you think about it... if you, uh, think about it, like if you were trying to get into the mind of a... homo... person...? He would see that as something different. [pause] But anyway uhh-
Troll: Uhh- I think it's awesome, like... pictures of a guy like, in army gear and shit, like, and shooting people-
[pause]
Chris: Yeah but- yeah but, uh, anyway, yeah, it just depends on his point of view and his perspective- but anyway, point is: half women, half guys, see which uh, side of the room he looks more towards. Or... leans towards. Or goes to.
Troll: Okay, I'll keep that in mind.
Chris: A'right.
Troll: Yeah but I-I I liked Call of Duty, and like- posters of guys, like shooting s-things- I mean, I have a Contra 4 poster in my room, does that mean I'm- I'm gay?
Chris: Uhh... no. I'm just uh, I'm just uh, if you were to decorate your room, you would probably- you would likely put up more... posters of women than- posters- than have posters of... guys. W- So uh, when you think about that, uh yeah, that reminds you that you're definitely straight if you put up more- up more posters of uh, women that's a good sign that you're straight. I have mo- I have more posters of women in my room.
More on Homos...
Julie: Hey Chris?
Chris: Yeah?
Julie: Can I ask you something?
Chris: Sure.
Julie: What is so wrong with homos? I mean, I-I know you don't exactly like them, but... what's wrong with having just a few... homosexual buddies? They're not gonna... you know. They're, you know... good people. You should 'em- you should give at least one a chance. You should- [Chris interrupts]
Chris: Uh yeah, but uh yeah, but yeah... see uh, you know I'm going to... associate, and uh... and n-now I to respect them, but it's just like, you know- I don't want to get- I don't want to be.. too close.
Julie: No, but you see it's- the thing is- they won't go near a straight man...! They can tell that you're straight! Don't worry, if you just give one of them a chance you can be friends with them, maybe play some more... play some Guitar Hero... maybe play some Little Big Planet... have some fun, not try and- just don't... just- just try to have fun with them. Just try for me. Can you please do that?
Chris: Well, that depends if I ever... meet one.
Julie: Can you go to a... social place?
Chris: Uhhm... well.
Julie: A-A dance club! What about... what about like a straight- like, an everything dance club...
Chris: Mmm... yeah, mmm... I tell you what. I might go to a dance club... uhh, after you- after you get here so that I don't have to feel alone.
Julie: A'right.
Chris: Okay. [Chris sounds relieved that this particular conversation thread is mostly over. Will I ever see Chantelle again?]
Brit-Troll: I have a question.
[pause]
Chris: M'kay.
The Medallion
Brit-Troll: Okay um, since I don't want to keep talking about gay men since that's not my thing, [inaudible] -this is about your medallion quest. Okay, uhh, anyways- anyways- what are the uh, the origins of your medallion, like when did you make it, is there any particular reason you wear it *all the time*, if you do, and if this is in any way related to your love quest? [pause] Yes, that's what I'm wondering as well.
Chris: I made it because I wanted to.
[pause]
Julie: But-
Chris: Plus, me wearing it all the time is like me wearing a name-tag but it's not like it has my... name... on the front.
Julie: Yes, but Chris he was asking why- WHY did you want to, is the question? [pause] You must have some kind of motivation.
Chris: I didn't really have- I don't think I really have any motivation... as far as I can- as far as I can remember. Because that was, like, years ago.
Brit-Troll: Um like w-when exactly though Chris? Was this in, um, in 2000 when you first made Sonichu, or when you uhh- first made the comics in, uh, I believe 2004?
Chris: Yeah, around 2004 or... 2003 I started drawing comics.
Brit-Troll: W-Was that when you um... first made the medallion though? Cuz we've- we've seen you-
Chris:Yeah- I don't... I don't remember *when* I made the medal...?
Brit-Troll: Oh, okay.
Chris: B-But-bu-bu-[stammers incoherently] but it definitely like- it definitely would have been like before I started drawing any comics.
Brit-Troll: Yes, yes.
[pause]
Julie: Oh Chris, I have another question for you!
Chris: Yeah.
Julie: Two actually uhm, one... do you think you could make me a cool medallion like yours... when I get there?
Chris: I *might*.
Julie: Awesome. [pause] And uh, the other question- w-what happened to the Sonichu Girls?
Chris: Oh. I'm still talk- you know I st-still talk to Sarah May], but uh... I haven't been there much since, uh... since... Clyde or troll or whatever... hacked into my... Sonichu Girls account.
Julie: Ahh, I see. Wait- someone hacked into your Sonichu Girls account? That's awful!
Chris: Yeah.
Julie: I can't believe some JERK would do that- that makes me so mad!
[pause]
Chris: Yeah.
[pause]
Friends with Men
Chris: Yeah. Sarah... Sarah May... you can hear me on there, uh... you know you can hit me... set that back up. Whenever you can.
Troll: Mmm hey I was just wondering- Robert Simmons... is he your friend or what? I heard you know- you don't like to be friends with guys, but... is he like a exception or what?
Chris: Mmm? Mmm- no, no.
[pause]
Troll: But he seems like really good friends with you though.
Julie: So we can, like, hate him or...?
Chris: No, no... I don't... hate him. Uhh... yeah, it's- he's more of a buddy.
Troll: So.. he's like the only buddy as far as guys go... right?
Chris: I've had uhh.. a few buddies in my lifetime.
Troll: Oooh, I thought you like hated guys or something... or-or didn't feel comfortable around them. Or something.
Chris: Yeah, it's a combination.
Troll: Yeah but what about Robert? I me-that's very interesting...
Chris: Wa-wa-wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Okay. Okay. It's not necessarily th- it's NOT that I hate g- hate all men... I just the ones that are- that have- that are really.. jerks, which that'll be the majority of the male population.
[The trolls talk over each other for nearly 30 seconds here, with occasional breaks]
Troll: Isn't that sexist Chris?
[pause]
Troll: That's- that's... yeah That's kinda- that's kinda rough, Chris. It'd be kinda mean if someone said you liked- if [unaudiable] fuck most 90% of all the population of something...
Troll: Very, very insensitive...
Troll: ... would die, or something...
Troll: ... not nice...
Troll: ... I mean, who-who would say that?
Chris: I have known a lot of jerks in my lifetime.
Troll: I mean, uh, I confess, we all have.
Troll: Yeah but how far have you really traveled to see that Ch-Chris have- like, you know, there's so many other places in the world where men can actually be nice.
Troll: I mean, but not nice in the gay way.
[The trolls finally stop talking over each other.]
Chris: [MASSIVE, massive stress sigh ] Yeah I... don't know how to answer those questions cuz... I never traveled around the world. This far-The farthest I've ever traveled was to California on airplane.. to visit my half-
Troll: [inaudible] -a neat place!
[the trolls talk over each other again]
Julie: Chris, you should go on a road trip.
Troll: Chris!
Troll: The world's a pretty good guy, eh?
Chris: Yeah well-
Troll: I mean, I can understand a jerk move would be like... say, you're a friend with some lady and then some guy comes up to and takes her away from you, like, even though he knows you're in a relationship with her, but, like, if-if-if like, y-you've never ever known these people before how is it more of a- how does it really make them a jerk if you've never really met them and they didn't even know you or... have the chance yet.
Chris: Ummm... not really sure.
[pause; soft beep in the background.]
Troll: Oh.
Troll: Oh, Chris- I. I have a question for you. Uhm... I recall asking you once, like a few... chats ago... if you ever thought about being a cyborg and-... you said no... but you thought about being a girl, and, you know, you went on... signed a package God gave you. And then, towards the end, you said that transgender people- male to female to be specific- you said they should actually go ahead and have the surgery... take the hormones and I'm just wondering... some transwomen don't really have a problem with that area. I'm just- curious why you would... suggest that.
Ok what- okay what you're saying is... not what I sugge-
[INCOMPLETE: CRASH INTO SLUMBER.]
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