Hooker incident

The hooker incident was an act of trolling in which Bryan Bash sent a gaggle of boyfriend-free prostitutes to 14 Branchland Court on 19 March 2009 so Chris would no longer need to be a virgin with rage.

Background

After Chris's failed date with Emily was ambushed by the Man in the Pickle Suit on 19 March, Chris came home only to find that a mysterious benefactor had provided him with a group of "escorts" to help him divest himself of his virginity. Chris literally started crying and his parents called the police.

Shortly after they were turned in, Chris had a phone call with Emily, where she criticized him for constantly touching her during their date as well as his antipathy towards the Man in the Pickle Suit. Clyde Cash showed up near the end, and later called Chris again, taking responsibility for the escorts. Chris was unamused, and later gets his mother to ward Clyde off.

Post-date call

Post-Date Conversation
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Stardate	19 March 2009
Subject Matter	Date with Emily
Featuring	Chris; Emily; Clyde Cash
Saga	Emily Emily, Clyde Clyde Cash

Clyde: Sorry.
Chris: What's up?
Emily: I think we need to talk.
Chris: Okay.
Emily: Becau— It's not me, Chris. It's you. And, you know, I was just thinking about yesterday. I really didn't appreciate you, like, touching me all the time.
Chris: I'm sorry, what?
Emily: I di— I didn't appreciate you, like, constantly touching me, okay? You'd, like, just met me, and you were touching me constantly.
Chris: Oh. I'm sorry.
Emily: [interrupting] I mean, you should never do that to a woman on, like, you know, one that you just met. And especially when you try, like... You tried to kiss me, okay? That's not right at all.
Chris: I'm so sorry, I was a little nervous. I was nervous, a little bit.
Emily: Why would you try to kiss somebody when— If you're nervous? I mean, I thought, like, people would be nervous and not try to kiss somebody.
Chris: I don't—
Emily: But anyways. Let me tell you about—
Chris: Anyway.
Emily: You'll probably ne— You'll probably never hear from me again, Chris, because The Pickle Man was just— He was a perfect gentleman, okay? He, like, took me out on a date and paid for my movie, and, like, since he kept his hands off of me, he got, like, a little extra extra from me, and that could have been you, Chris. Okay? So— And then he took me to meet Clyde, and Clyde's, like, a perfect gentleman as well. So, I'm going to be living in his mansion from now on.
Chris: Hmm... Anyway, did you get back to West Virginia okay?
Emily: Yeah. Well, I didn't exactly go back to West Virginia; I'm going to be living with Clyde now, with, uh, with Julie, and Blanca, and Sarah, and everyone else, Chris. Do you understand?
Chris: I see.
Emily: Like, like, since... You don't understand, like, all the women that you've mistreated in the past, they're living with Clyde because he is rehabilitating them.
Chris: Hmm... I see... [pause] Well, I don't know what to say.
Emily: So, do you have anything else to say?
Chris: Umm... Well, this is the, uh... Well, uh, all I can say is, uh, I’m sorry about if you feel— If you feel— If I— That if I mistreated you, and, uh, somewhat, if you— If you felt like I, uh, did wrong.
Emily: Because I don't know why— Why you have, like against, like, these men in the...pickle suits or whatever. Because he was just a guy in a pickle suit. I don’t understand, like, what was so, like, threatening about him. And apparently, you, like, called the cops on him? I mean, what did he do wrong? How you gotta report him? Saying that, like, a guy in a pickle suit's, like, stole your date.
Chris: Yeah, well, I think in the past, uh, there, uh, yeah, Guy in The Pickle Suit posed as, uh, Blanca.
Emily: But, I mean—
Chris: And, uh...
Emily: You, like, didn’t know this guy, and you’re already passing judgment on him, and you’re already, like… You passed judgment on thi— On Clyde, okay? Clyde’s like, the nicest guy ever, okay? He is, like… He is gonna be, like, taking care of me for the rest of the li— Rest of my life. ‘Cause he is loaded with cash.
Chris: Hmm...
Emily: Hence why his last name is "Cash".
Chris: I see. Well, anyway, uh, if that’s what you want, uh, I can’t, uh, force you or anyth— Or anything else. So, uh—
Emily: But, Chris, you should be careful [Chris overlapping, indistinct]. But you should be careful, Chris, on, like, all the women that you encounter, you better make sure that you treat them properly, do not touch them on the first date; don’t try to fucking kiss them, and, you know, you’ll have no problems, but if you do, you know, the pickle men will come and take them away, and take them to Clyde, and he is gonna take care of them for the rest of their lives as well.
Chris: I see. Alright. Okay. Alright, well, you— You take care of yourself.
Clyde: Hey, why don't you take care of yourself, too, Chris, okay?
Chris: Uh, yeah. Okay. Bye-bye.

Clyde call

The Aftermath of the Hooker Incident
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Stardate	19 March 2009
Subject Matter	The Hooker Incident
Featuring	Chris; Clyde Cash; Bryan Bash; Barbara Chandler
Saga	Emily Emily, Clyde Clyde Cash

Clyde: [fake-sounding accent] This call is being recorded. [phone ringing]
Chris: Uh, hello?
Clyde: Hey, Chris. It’s me. Clyde. You seemed a little hasty at the end, there. I just want to talk to you.
Chris: Uh, who is this?
Clyde: It's Clyde.
Chris: Oh, I see
Clyde: You want to say "hi" to Emily? She’s still here. Anyway, I just wondered, like, uh, I was trying to help you with your virgin problem, and I sent over some fine ladies over to your house. How, how’d that work out for you?
Chris: Oh, so you were the one who sent them over, huh? Well, for your information, uh, my family, uh, was very uncomfortable with them being, being sent over, and, uh, they re—, and they reported them to the police, and they got turned in, and, uh...yeah, we did not appreciate that.
Clyde: Uh, Chris, you claim to be a virgin with rage all the time. I’m trying to help you, man.
Chris: Yeah, well, sending over prostitutes is not exactly the way of helping somebody find true love.
Clyde: Sex is not true love, Chris.
[Chris talking in the background, indistinct]
Chris: Yeah, you still there, Clyde?
Clyde: Yeah.
Chris: [Barbara prompting him, indistinct] Yeah, keep your nose out of our business, Clyde.
Clyde: Look, I worry for your family and everybody, okay? I’m trying to look out for the best of you, Chris. There are much more evil men in this world.
Barbara: I don't know who you think you are.
Clyde: Hello?
Barbara: I said I don't know who you think you are.
Clyde: Chris, your voice changed.
Barbara: But I’m telling you to both, uh, uh, t-, to cease bothering us, okay?
Clyde: Chris, your voice changed.
Barbara: [overlapping] Otherwise, yer butt’s gonna be in trouble. Yer butt’s gonna be in trouble.
Bryan Bash: Is your refrigerator running?
Barbara: Back off!
Bryan Bash: Uoahh!
Barbara: Don't call us any more. Goodbye!
Bryan Bash: No, [unintelligible] Use the Poké Flute, quick!
Clyde: Okay! [inarticulate yell]

Return to hookers?

In July 2010, Chris expressed interest in hiring prostitutes of his own accord, posting on the CWCki under the guise of JenkinsJinkies:

“	Something else that has piqued my curiousity [sic], from the Hooker incident, I'm wondering from which luscious company or group Bryan Bash the ladies came from, specifically the company name, their website, and from within Chris's crappy (434) A.C. Because if they were out-of-his-state, I may give them a call myself. >:D	”
"JenkinsJinkies"

On 12 April 2012, a leaked Facebook post revealed that Chris had lost his virginity. The post made suggestions--later confirmed--that Chris had indeed hired a hooker.

See Also

• Chris and sex
• Mia Hamm - hooker who Chris would later have sex with
• Carlos Chantor - Chris as the hooker
• Stephanie Bustcakes - Chris as the hooker (again)

Sources

    Chats and calls