Mumble 6

Mumble 6 is the sixth of the Mumble chats involving Chris, held on 10th February 2009.

Length: 1:57:53

Summary

• Chris has received a letter from Nintendo of America stating that he hasn't been in touch with Shigeru Miyamoto. The trolls try to convince him that the letter is fake.
• Chris gives more advice on whether Falsion's friend is a homo by suggesting he'll be drawn to posters of men more than those of women in the fan's bedroom.
• Julie probes Chris on why he dislikes homos so much. Chris flounders.
• Chris first made his medallion because he wanted to, before he ever drew any comics and wears it all the time because it's like a nametag. Might make one for Julie.
• Someone hacked Sonichugirls.net. Julie is outraged.
• Chris doesn't hate all men, just the ones who are jerks, which is the 'majority of the male population'. When called on it, admits he doesn't know how he knows that men are jerks without knowing them.
• Chris doesn't remember saying that transgender people should have surgery. Now says that they shouldn't. Confuses transgender with intersex and says that if he had a child with both organs he would raise it as a boy.
• If Chris was dating a girl and she turned out to have a penis, he would freak out, throw up and dump her.
• Sonic replaced American Rabbit as Chris's favorite cartoon character.
• Chris's favorite soap opera is The Young and the Restless. He used to watch MTV's Undressed.
• Chris feels as if his life is a soap opera, as he's had a lot of drama.
• Chris hasn't decided if there will be a Chris Chandler show. Everyone says it's a great idea.
• Sonic 3D is Chris's favorite Sonic game.
• The Chris Chandler show would be improvised with no commercial breaks. When Jack Thaddeus calls him on the show needing to make money, Chris says that he doesn't know how to make commercials.
• Chris never received the Jet, Ebony and Vibe magazines that a troll called hottiee96 subscribed him to.
• Chris says he's irregular with comics because "It's called a life".
• Hamsty asks what Chris does, considering he has no job. Chris stalls, before saying that he can't describe his daily schedule on a whim at the moment and had better not say. He blames stress.
• Chris says that he gets stressed and needs a day to recover. Fans point out the contradiction of drawing comics to relax and using stress as an excuse not to draw them. Chris says that he feels uncomfortable with the questions.
• Chris does Sonichu's voice. It sounds like Chris, only slightly higher. Fans praise this fantastic rendition.
• Chris says that he would want Archie Comics to publish Sonichu.
• There will be no lesbian relationships in Chris' comics, as he promotes heterosexuality.
• Chris obnoxiously cuts off a fan who asks about Nintendo and copyright, saying "I don't know, I don't know, I'm not a business genius."
• They talk about anime and video games. Chris doesn't like the nudity in Shin Chan because dicks 'offend' him.
• Says that him drawing Sonichu with his dick out was different because he was wearing a condom.
• Chris confirms that he ripped off the workings of Sonichu's penis from a line from Brian in Family Guy.
• Chris does not like poo in a fetishistic sense.
• Chris can't remember why he admitted his dirty crapped briefs to Clyde.
• Chris is still trying to upload the Nintendo of America letter.
• The adult scenes in Sonichu are not 'lost content', they are 'removable deleted scenes' and the comic can be read with or without them. This is how he designed it.
• Chris will not undergo speech therapy because he had it when he was a child.
• Chris does a terrible high-pitched impersonation of someone with no front teeth.
• Chris cuts off a question about the PS3 being the main console of the gay community, as he's bothered by it.
• CWCville's employment situation is discussed. Sonichu & Rosechu's job is protecting CWCville and everything is free for them.
• Chris liked the Spice Girls, but didn't have a favorite.
• CWCville was founded just by Bob, shortly after Chris was born.
• Bob told Chris that Sonichu was viable as regards copyrighting. Chris has paid the Library of Congress $35 for copyright years ago and hasn't heard anything.
• Chris has uploaded the Nintendo of America letter. The fans deny that it's real and attempt to discredit it. Chris refuses to listen.
• Chris starts to leave, Clyde Cash enters. The HONEST and TRUE fans all decry this disgraceful human being.
• Clyde says that Julie is afraid of how her life with Chris will turn out, and that her parents will take her away. Chris protests that he's cleaned his room.
• Clyde says Chris needs to clean up his act to be with Julie, asks if he pays taxes. Chris says he's paid sales tax.
• Chris pleads the fifth when Clyde asks how much credit card debt he has. When pressed, he admits to having almost $2000 to offset his savings of $100.
• Chris says that if he decides he has to get a job when he and Julie are married, he will.
• Chris claims that he can cook 'anything that's within his cookbook'.
• Chris admits he was lying about looking for jobs he can do with his CADD degree, but he can start looking. Clyde calls him out on lying to Julie so much, and Chris whines about his "insultive tone".
• Julie says that she's read up on Christianity and there's no premarital sex. Chris says that Methodists are allowed.
• Chris claims to cook for himself the majority of the week. Says he cooks a lot of things for himself. When pressed, he says vegetables, meats and soups, depending on shopping. His parents cook separately from him, as they live on a different floor.
• Chris says he will look for a job, depending on who's hiring. Will think about getting a job now.
• Chris's schedule currently varies from day to day, but he does a lot of creative things. Yesterday he cleaned his room.
• Julie says that drawing comics is currently Chris's job and he should work on it. Chris promises that he will.
• Chris says Ich bin schwul and leaves.
• BlueSpike and the others laugh about Chris admitting to being a homo.

Transcript

Meet and Greet

[The various trolls greet Chris, talking over each other]

Julie: Heeey Chris!

Troll: Willkommen!

[sound of junk getting moved around]

Troll: Hello.

Troll: Morning!

Hamsty: Hey Chris!

Troll: Uhh- hello, Chris! What's up?

Troll: Hello! How're you doing?

Chris: [Chris speaks in an effeminate voice] Hellloo...

Troll: [inaudible]

[pause]

Troll: So what are you up to tonight, Chris?

Chris: Uhh, nothing much, just uhh... takin' care of things.

Troll: Aww, that's good.

[Audio cuts out here for a moment. Presumably, the same thing happened in the chat.]

Chris: Sorry, what?

Chris: Julie bought me here. You asked for me to come and I so I did.

Troll: Did you... come for your fans at all?

Chris: Uhh, yeah I came for my fans.

Troll: Cool.

Chris: Mmm. Matter of fact I have an update...

Troll: Oooh?

Troll: Ohh awesome!

Chris: But... well unfortunately yeah, it was in a video but it didn't get, uhh, processed fast enough... I've just had to start uploading it.

Troll: Yeeeah... YouTube's really slow at that... depending on what you use. It's a'right.

Troll: It's like... they need to invest their money more in technology.

Chris receives a letter.

Chris: Yeah. Anyway, uhh, as I have already told Julie and Sarah May, mm, I have received a letter in the snail mail today from Mr-

Chris: I have received a letter in the snail mail today from Nintendo of America's representative Mike Chandler- no relation- In response to what I have sent Nintendo of America previously. Anyway, it-it-it verifies my uh- families and friends and uhh... my theory so that, uhh, and I quote, Mr Shigeru Miyamoto did not have a meeting scheduled with you, nor has he be- has he been corresponding with you. Mr Miyamoto speaks and writes only-

Troll: [Talking over Chris] I'll be right back.

Chris: [very annoyed] -very limited English...! ... and our game development teams do not accept unsolicited game development suggestions or other ideas. Although Mr Miyamoto made occasional business trips to the US, he spends the majority of his time in Japan at Nintendo's headquarters. So, in short I've- I've actually been talking to... impostors.

[The trolls begin talking over each other at this point]

Troll: Well, you don't know if he's an impostor or not, I mean, I mean,

Troll: Oooooh...

Troll: You know...

Troll: I mean, look at that, it had your last name- it didn't really sound legit...

Troll: Hold on, guys hold on, hold on. Just lemme...

[Brief silence]

Troll: Well, it could have been intercepted by a troll because he did say that Miyamoto doesn't speak- speaks limited Jap- I mean, limited English, but... I've seen YouTube videos of him speaking a lot... urn... in English... and... I don't- I think that's a lie- that guy obviously doesn't know anything about Miyamoto.

Troll: You know, I- I've heard about stuff like this happening, you know, one of my cousins is in the business industry and he says with a lot of these big companies they get mix- things mixed up all the time. Maybe they thought they were sending it to like- maybe they thought you were someone else, or they sent it to somebody who had the wrong address, you know, they can screw stuff up an awful lot.

Chris: Well anyways, it's an official letter from Nintendo of America, because uhh... the envelope, is-is-is-is just like the previous envelopes I've gotten from Nintendo of America, as well as the uh... letter head on the... letter. It's typed.

[The trolls talk over each other here. The general drift is: "It's easy to forge..."]

Chris: [annoyed] It was typed.

Troll: Yeah, it's easy to forge.

Chris: [still annoyed] It was typed.

[Windows beeping in the background]

Chris: [yep, still annoyed] It was typed.

[More Windows beeping in the background]

Chris: And-and-and it has a signature on there.

Troll: Just because it's typed and it has a signature on there doesn't mean it's real.

Troll: In fact, wouldn't typing it make it more easier to forge since it's not handwriting?

Troll: And a signature doesn't mean anything, I mean, you nev- I mean you don't know this guy so... it's just somebody's signature.

Chris: Look, I'll tell y'all- look, I'll tell y'all what, I'll scan the envelope AND the letter and put it on the Sonichu site [annoyed] LATER [pause; the trolls talk all at once] and y'all- and y'all- can fig- and y'all decide from that.

Troll: We're tryin' to help you, Chris. We're trying to help you and do what's best for you...

Troll: We're trying to make sure nobody's trying to trick you.

Troll: Yeah.

Troll: We're here to back you up.

[silence]

Games, etc.

Julie: Yeah. I can always play it on my PS3, or my Nintendo Wii when I ever get one...

Troll: Hex Bawx.

Julie: I hate the Hex Bawx.

Troll: I'm a PC player myself.

[The trolls talk all at once for about 10 seconds]

Chris: I'm gonna go get the scanner and make it ready to scan.

[some trolls mutter back and forth, mostly silence]

[lengthy pause]

Troll: ... [whisper] cocks!

[The trolls laugh; sound of things moving around and other noise in the background]

Julie: Can I ask you something, Chris?

Various Trolls: He's scanning. He's scanning things.

Chris: Yeah, I just got back with it and I'm... scanning it.

The Molvanîan Language, et. al.

Julie: Oh hey Chris?

Troll: Excellent...!

Chris: Yeah Julie? [Chris sounds disinterested]

Julie: Can you do me the favor?

Chris: Sure, what?

Julie: Can you tell everyone what I taught you today- the new, uhh, Molvanîan word?

Chris: Oooh- ooh. Yeah. Julie uhh... Julie is from Molvanîa... its uh neigh- its uh-it neighbors- it neighbors other countries such as Germany and Slovakia. [pause] Anyway, uhh, she taught me how to say "I love you" in Molvanîa.

[A troll screams in entirely understandable horror, possibly comprehending what will occur next...]

Chris: Ich- Ich baan schwill. [sic]

[Julie says something in the background, something about 'a'right now, okay, keep going']

Chris: Yeah I just pretty much said it. Ich baan schwill. [sic]

Julie: Ahh, a'right. I love you too!

Chris: Yep.

Troll: You have a gift for languages, Chris.

Troll: Really!

Troll: I can see why you pick up Spanish.

Troll: First Spanish, and now Molvanîan. You're moving on up!

Chris: Well, right now I just have like a few... greetings. And the 'I love you' there.

Troll: Before you know it you might be speaking Japanese with Mr Miyamoto.

[Chris seems to forget that, just minutes ago, he had decided that 'Miyamoto' was an impostor and doesn't mention it.]

Hamsty: Or French? [she speaks a little French, but Chris just talks over the top of her]

Chris: Well, uhh, I know a little bit of Japanese. Like... こんにちは (konichiwa). [awkward pause] And さよなら (sayonara).

Hamsty: Do you know any French words?

[More Windows beeping in the background]

Chris: Uhh... wee wee mon amime [sic].

Hamsty: Ahh... mmm. I see.

[Chris says a bit more mangled French; it's difficult to make out but obviously terrible.]

Hamsty: [forced giggle] That's uh, that's that's... very nice. Merci! Merci beaucoup... [another giggle]

Chris: Merci!

Hamsty: That means 'thank you'!

Chris: I know.

Hamsty: Okay, just making sure! [another 'please don't rape me' giggle is squeezed out]

Idle Chatter

Julie: So, uh, Chris. How are things?

Chris: Things are, uh well at home. I'm safe and well, and I'm looking forward to you arriving, Julie.

Julie: Hmm!

[awkward silence]

Troll: Uhh, what happened last time? You were interrupted by... something.

Chris: Sorry, what?

Troll: 'member last time you came? I don't know what happened, but you had to sign off for some reason.

Chris: I don't 'member that, it was like a long time ago... that was pretty much a long time ago at this point.

Troll: Uhh, never mind.

Troll: Yeah...

Troll: I can't even remember what I had for breakfast. [snort]

Hamsty: [giggle]

Troll: Well, it happens, it happens. Sometimes you can remember things from birth... and like, from, childhood years... and sometimes you can't remember things from last week!

Troll: Stress does influence memory, so it's understandable.

Troll: Yeah... I suffer from that... occasionally.

[awkward pause]

Movies

Troll: So Chris, seen any good movies recently?

Chris: Mmm... good movies, good movies... I saw Saw V?

Troll: And how was that?

Julie: Oooh, and what did you think of it?

Chris: I thought it was- I thought it was neat and very interesting... I mean I saw the previous four. ... which I have on DVD. But I got Saw V on Bluray.

Troll: Sounds pretty crazy. Was it scary?

[awkward pause]

Troll: Were the special effects realistic enough to make it seem... scary... enough?

Chris: Yeah. [pause]

Troll: Did it have enough traps? That was my complaint.

Chris: Yeah, I mean uh, I think uh, I think the scariest thing from that movie would be after that- after that guy removed his arm from the- from the saw, and it was like split down to the elbow. But you know-

Troll: I remember that.

Troll: Oh, wow!

Chris: But then- but then you realize from the behind the scenes footage that that actually was just a fake arm.

Troll: Yeah, well, they wouldn't do that in real life because they would have to, like, pay a lot of people...

Chris: Yeah.

Troll: I mean, like, the special effects they use nowadays is pretty impressive.

Chris: Yeah.

Troll: The men were jerks in that movie, the saw vic- the jigsaw victims. I mean like they let that poor girl- uhh... that poor girl die at the beginning the trap...

Chris: Yeah. It's like they could- it's like they didn't- it's like, it's like they didn't know at the time they could have gotten away with all five of them alive at the front line through the whole... setup [???]. But uh, still, you know, I mean, the whole setup they had going there... the girl... the woman actually had her head going through a hole in the wall, while there was a whole fake, empty neck atop of it.

Troll: Yeah... yeah. I just can't believe how much the men were jerks in that movie. They weren't... especially....

Julie: Yeah. That movie made me kinda mad...

Troll: Sexist!

Troll: Do you think they'll make a sixth... Saw movie?

Chris: [Chris speaks as though he were a great authority on the matter] Yeah, I think they'll make a Saw VI, I mean- I figured they... you figured they gave the role of Jigsaw over to Detective Hoffman, so he could probably do something in the next one. Plus, I'm still wondering, what was the fate of the uh... doctor. You remember from the first Saw, that uh, that actually cut off his foot?

Hamsty: Mmm hmm!

Troll Chorus: Yeah...

Chris: Well, y-you find out that basically... you find out he's into crawling away [sic? I haven't actually seen anything other than Saw I and II...]. You find him doing that in Saw III. But yeah you don't see anything of him in Saw f-...four, except for that one time when they actually- they talk about that little piece of evidence that went against him in the first Saw.

Hamsty: [coughs] Mmm. Excuse me.

Troll: Yeah... Uhh... I never really was into horror. What is it that, uh, makes horror movies so enjoyable?

Chris: Hmm. I would say probably the, uh, story, and uh...

Julie: Oh hey Chris, can I ask a question?

Chris: Yeah?

Julie: What's your favorite kind of movie?

Chris: Mmm- I mostly like, uh, romantic comedies.

Troll: Oh, those can be good. [More Windows beeping]

Chris: Yeah, they're fun. I've uh- I've uh- gone back to the Moonlight Confession episode of Shuffle. That's uh, that's episode 10.

Troll: I prefer animated movies myself, you know... Disney, Pixar...

Troll: So do I.

[A soft, computer generated 'bong!' noise can be heard in the background]

[Hamsty gasps in the background]

Troll: I just watched Finding Nemo recently... just this weekend.

Chris: I liked Toy Story.

Troll: That was a good one.

Troll: That is such a classic!

Troll: My friends and I quote that ALLL the time whenever we watch it.

Chris: To ef-fenity [sic] and beyond. [Chris gets the 'tone' of the catch-phrase completely, completely wrong; it sounds like some kind of deranged, toneless rap]

[short, stunned silence]

Troll: There's a snake in mah boot! I always liked that line.

Troll: I [inaudible] Oh, I'm sorry.

Chris: Sorry, you were saying?

Troll: I was just saying, I have a toy Woody, which when you pull the string it says "I have a snake in mah boots"...

Chris: [stress sigh] Yep, those were sold in the toy stores.

Troll: I- I remember in like... one of my favorite type of movies is, um, martial arts.

Chris: Oh. I saw Kung Fu Panda like, recently... on Bluray.

[Possible audio cut here?]

Troll: Oh. Like, name- name a-a couple.

Chris: Oh I just uh- okay yeah, I can remember another one. Mmm. Hard Boiled. I got the collector's edition of Stranglehold Playstation 3. That was...

Troll: Hey, Hard Boiled? Wasn't that a John Woo movie with Chao Yung Fat?

Chris: Yeah.

Troll: And he's like, 'Oh man, I love that one!' and he's- and he's got, and he has a gunfight in the hospital- that's a really good one.

Chris: And I saw Kill Bills volume I and II.

Troll: Oh those are pretty impressive! [pause] Also, um. Have you ever heard about the new Dragonball movie that's about to come out... in two months?

Chris: Mmm. No, uh, ye- no- ye- no I haven't. But I've heard- but I have, uh watched a bunch of Dragonball episodes. Uhh... Dragonball, Dragonball Z, 'n Dragonball GT... and I have seen some of the movies. Oh- a-and I have also seen the orig- the, uh, the Street Fighter Movie... a long time ago.

Troll: Ooooh I remember that one.

Chris: And I'm also looking forward to the one where they... the new Street Fighter movie that's coming out that's gonna be be surrounding Chun-Li.

[The trolls talk over each other at this point]

Troll: Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

Troll: Did you play Street Fighter IV?

Troll: Ooh, Chun-Li was my favorite Street Fighter character... actually.

Chris: Me too.

[Julie and a troll talk over each other]

Julie: Oh wait-

Troll: -reet Fighter IV?

Julie: Yeah. [pause] Cuz Chris, I'm gonna get it and I wanna play against you...

Chris: What, Street Fighter IV?

Julie: Yeah!

Chris: Yeah I was thinking about- yeah I-I was thinking about getting the collector's edition version... of that.

Julie: Mmm.

[The generic sound of junk being moved around in the background; a slight pause.]

Julie: Chris, who's your favorite person to use in Street Fighter, who do you use the most?

Chris: Chun-Li.

Julie: I also use Dan.

Troll: I use Cammy.

Chris: In Soul Calibur I use Cassandra.

[pause]

Troll: Oh. What a coincidence, I actually use Cassandra a lot... in Soul Calibur.

Troll: I play Cervantes. I like play Cervantes... a lot.

Chris: You don't saaaaaay. Hmm. [Chris's voice rises and falls in an incredibly homosexual manner, like the words of an uptight British gentleman being informed his duck is remarkable both in length and girth]

Broken Wii, More Games

Troll: Hey Chris, I have a question.

Chris: Shoot.

Troll: Uhh- two weeks ago my Wii broke and I have to send it in for repairs, and it's not gonna be back for like two weeks... what do you think- what should I do to fill that time slot until I get it back?

Chris: Umm... do what you're normally doing right now- like as if uhh.. you're living- I mean, you're pretty much living with that right now, just continue on with that... until uhh... you get it back.

Troll: Thanks Chris, that's great advice.

[The troll is very sarcastic. Chris doesn't notice. ]

Chris: Simple, really! Not rocket scEYEnce[sic].

[pause]

Troll: You play any other fighting games... or have any other fighting games?

Chris: Yeah, I just mentioned S-Soul Calibur, [mumble] Street Fighter, [inaudible]... I-I also played Tekken.

Troll: Anything else?

Troll: I played that.

Chris: And-and a little bit of Mortal Kombat.

Troll: Oh. Have you ever played, uh. You had a Dreamcast before, right? Or do you still have one?

Chris: Yeah I still have my Dreamcast.

Troll: You ever played Powerstorm?

Chris: Yeah I've- I've played a demo of Powerstorm. Powerstone.

Troll: Oh yeah. Playing into that thing, uh- on your Dreamcast, did you ever play Phantasy Star Online?

Chris: No.

Anime, more games

Julie: Aaa- Chris, can I ask you a question?

Chris: Sure.

Julie: What do you think of the Mother series?

Chris: ... mmm. Y- Oh yeah- you told me about your favourite song from there... uhh- I don't know much ab- I don't know- I do not know much about it, so...

Troll: Uhh- It's also known as Earthbound when it came out on-

Chris: Oh yeah, oh yeah, Earthbound, oh yeah, I mean I've heard- I may have heard about Earthbound... oh yeah, that's right. I remember hearing its Japanese name was Mother. ... or it was also known as MOTH-A.

[a stunned, confused silence settles over the trolls. Presumably there is an audio cut here.]

Chris: [pause] Mmmmm. [pause] Uhh... uhh, I don't think so.

[pause]

Julie: You should play Phantasy Star Online.

Hamsty: What about Freerealms?

Troll: Yeah the whole... the whole... fanchat was playing Phantasy [inaudible] for the last few days, it was fun.

[The sound of some kind of tapping can be heard in the background; presumably this is Chris because there is a pause and he doesn't speak until the tapping stops.]

[Chris and Julie talk over each other, along with a burst of static]

Julie: -lay with us.

Chris: Uh. I might consider that. [Chris doesn't sound sincere]

Troll: I mean, we could show you how to get set up and everything.

Chris: Uhh- I don't- yeah well, I don't, I mean- uhh... Not tonight. [pause] But I'll consider it.

Julie: Okay-

Troll: Also, also, um, [Julie begins to talk over the troll] reading to the left-

Julie: I mean, Jaggy, [Julie is very unclear here] Sorry could you let someone else, everyone Jaggy, I didn't mean to hurry up- I mean, Chris, you can actually be Sonic in it! It's awesome!

Troll: Yeah actually I'm playing as Tails!

[more clicking]

Chris: Duuhokay!

[pause]

Music and Computers

Troll: What do you think of the Beatles?

[audio cut]

Chris: It's, uh, just Nate Street Pavilion.

Julie: What Operating System do you have, W-Windows XP?

Chris: Yeah. [pause] Windosse [sic] XP.

Julie: How much RAM do you have?

Chris: Mmm. I don't know how much RA- how much total... RAM I have, but uh... yeah... I've pretty much got my... got my memory capacity- fill it up with like... tracks from iTunes, some videos, and, uh, images.

Chris stupidly confuses the volatile Random Access Memory (or RAM) in a computer with permanent hard drive storage. This is from someone who, according to what he told Kacey's father in the Father Call, "...took a computer upgrading class where [he] put together a computer, a personal computer, from scratch." To make an elementary, basic mistake like this is much like a car mechanic mistaking the spare tire for the steering wheel. Even Julie, a thirteen year old boy without an IT background, knew the difference. Honor roll my arse. ]

[stunned silence]

[audio cut]

Chris: Ohh. Ohh. CPU Speed...

Troll: Like, your- your hard disk space... is for gigabytes and stuff.

Chris: Yeah. Well. I don't know what my- [stress sigh]

[audio cut]

[volume is very muted and quiet when it comes back]

Chris: Yeah. Yeah... 'bout random access memory.

Troll: Also, um, Hamsty said, um, what-what do you think of the Beatles? [the troll has a noticeable echo.]

Chris: Uhh, they're okay. I- [pause] I mean, [static] I mean, I've heard the Beatles, but it's not like I've formed a total... full opinion of them. But you know, they're okay.

Troll: Oh, okay.

[pause; the sound of shit getting moved around and occasional quiet muttering is present in the background for almost twenty seconds here]

Identifying a Homo

Troll: Uhh, Chris?

Chris: Yeah?

Troll: You know that friend that uh- you told me to get rid of? He sent me an e-mail... and he's saying uh- waitddaminute [sic]. This e-mail says, uh... 'Dude, I'm not gay, your room is so small and there's nowhere to sit; 'course I sat next to you, how else- I mean, w-what else was I supposed to do?' Lemme skim over it... and then, at the end here, he says, uh, 'Dude, get it through your fucking head as much as you possibly can; I AM STRAIGHT." What am I supposed to say to him? Is he- is he gay or what?

[The occasional sound of typing was heard while the troll was talking; Chris obviously wasn't paying any attention and has, almost certainly, completely forgotten about an event which didn't directly concern him ]

Chris: I- I'm sorry could you-, I'm sorry, so, he-he-he... he said that he was... straight?

Troll: Yeah, he's telling me that he only sat next to me because my room was so small.

Chris: Hmm. [Chris has obviously forgotten]

Troll: You know, the friend that thought I was gay?

Chris: Oh yeah! Hmm. [long pause] Mmm.

Troll: I think he's lying, I think he's gay.

Chris: Mmm. [Chris's voice rises to a high pitched squeak, outshining even Julie] Well there is one thing... y-y-there is a, uh... test you could figure out... uhh... you could fill out- uhh... do you have any posters in your room?

Troll: Uhh... wait, my room?

[It sounds like Chris is eating something in the background, possibly with a wrapper. It's a little disgusting.]

Chris: Yeah. Where y'all would... hang out.

Troll: Not really.

Chris: Mmm. Okay, well, uh... fill half the- fill half your-, cover half of your room with- [the troll talks over Chris] with- with-

Troll: Oh you-you mean like a Sailor Moon poster? Yeah, I have one of those.

Chris: Yeah, uh, lemme- [Chris sounds annoyed] let me finish. Cover half of your room with pic-uh, with posters of women. Half of your room with posters of women. You know, c- you know, could be anime, bikini's, oooor.... posters you pull out from a Playboy.

[pause]

Troll: Oh, I-I have those, yeah.

Chris: And then uh, on the other half of your room fill them up with, uh ... posters of... guys. [pause] And like uh, you know you could-

[the troll interrupts]

Troll: I-I-I don't know about that man, I'm not gay.

Chris: I know, but you know you don't have to put- you don't have to... put them in, like, you know, their underwear, but you could use like war hero posters like, uh, like a Call of Duty 4... poster. Something like that.

Troll: Oh yeah.

Chris: Yeah but anyway, uh-

Troll: But uh, Call of Duty's not gay!

Chris: [pause] I know but, you know... [pause] yeah. But anyway uh, go half your room in women posters and the other half of your room in uh... guy posters but uh- and then see which uh- which side of the room he leans towards. More.

Troll: But what if he really likes Call of Duty? Does that mean he's gay? Urggh...

Chris: Maybe you could cover up the... title of the game if you wanted to, or uh j- or just like, fold it over. You know, just move the game title- but just like, you know, make sure you have the guy- just y'know. Just having the guy there and then... you know-

Troll: But it's a guy shooting stuff. That's awesome.

Chris: Yeah but to a h- a but to- when you think about it... if you, uh, think about it, like if you were trying to get into the mind of a... homo... person...? He would see that as something different. [pause] But anyway uhh-

Troll: Uhh- I think it's awesome, like... pictures of a guy like, in army gear and shit, like, and shooting people-

[pause]

Chris: Yeah but- yeah but, uh, anyway, yeah, it just depends on his point of view and his perspective- but anyway, point is: half women, half guys, see which uh, side of the room he looks more towards. Or... leans towards. Or goes to.

Troll: Okay, I'll keep that in mind.

Chris: A'right.

Troll: Yeah but I-I I liked Call of Duty, and like- posters of guys, like shooting s-things- I mean, I have a Contra 4 poster in my room, does that mean I'm- I'm gay?

Chris: Uhh... no. I'm just uh, I'm just uh, if you were to decorate your room, you would probably- you would likely put up more... posters of women than- posters- than have posters of... guys. W- So uh, when you think about that, uh yeah, that reminds you that you're definitely straight if you put up more- up more posters of uh, women that's a good sign that you're straight. I have mo- I have more posters of women in my room.

Chris... I Wanna Take You To A Gay Bar

Julie: Hey Chris?

Chris: Yeah?

Julie: Can I ask you something?

Chris: Sure.

Julie: What is so wrong with homos? I mean, I-I know you don't exactly like them, but... what's wrong with having just a few... homosexual buddies? They're not gonna... you know. They're, you know... good people. You should 'em- you should give at least one a chance. You should- [Chris interrupts]

Chris: Uh yeah, but uh yeah, but yeah... see uh, you know I'm going to... associate, and uh... and n-now I to respect them, but it's just like, you know- I don't want to get- I don't want to be.. too close.

Julie: No, but you see it's- the thing is- they won't go near a straight man...! They can tell that you're straight! Don't worry, if you just give one of them a chance you can be friends with them, maybe play some more... play some Guitar Hero... maybe play some Little Big Planet... have some fun, not try and- just don't... just- just try to have fun with them. Just try for me. Can you please do that?

Chris: Well, that depends if I ever... meet one.

Julie: Can you go to a... social place?

Chris: Uhhm... well.

Julie: A-A dance club! What about... what about like a straight- like, an everything dance club...

Chris: Mmm... yeah, mmm... I tell you what. I might go to a dance club... uhh, after you- after you get here so that I don't have to feel alone.

Julie: A'right.

Chris: Okay. [Chris sounds relieved that this particular conversation thread is mostly over.]

Brit-Troll: I have a question.

[pause]

Chris: M'kay.

The Medallion

Brit-Troll: Okay um, since I don't want to keep talking about gay men since that's not my thing, [inaudible] -this is about your medallion quest. Okay, uhh, anyways- anyways- what are the uh, the origins of your medallion, like when did you make it, is there any particular reason you wear it *all the time*, if you do, and if this is in any way related to your love quest? [pause] Yes, that's what I'm wondering as well.

Chris: I made it because I wanted to.

[pause]

Julie: But-

Chris: Plus, me wearing it all the time is like me wearing a name-tag but it's not like it has my... name... on the front.

Julie: Yes, but Chris he was asking why- WHY did you want to, is the question? [pause] You must have some kind of motivation.

Chris: I didn't really have- I don't think I really have any motivation... as far as I can- as far as I can remember. Because that was, like, years ago.

Brit-Troll: Um like w-when exactly though Chris? Was this in, um, in 2000 when you first made Sonichu, or when you uhh- first made the comics in, uh, I believe 2004?

Chris: Yeah, around 2004 or... 2003 I started drawing comics.

Brit-Troll: W-Was that when you um... first made the medallion though? Cuz we've- we've seen you-

Chris:Yeah- I don't... I don't remember *when* I made the medal...?

Brit-Troll: Oh, okay.

Chris: B-But-bu-bu-[stammers incoherently] but it definitely like- it definitely would have been like before I started drawing any comics.

Brit-Troll: Yes, yes.

[pause]

Julie: Oh Chris, I have another question for you!

Chris: Yeah.

Julie: Two actually uhm, one... do you think you could make me a cool medallion like yours... when I get there?

Chris: I *might*.

Julie: Awesome. [pause] And uh, the other question- w-what happened to the Sonichu Girls?

Chris: Oh. I'm still talk- you know I st-still talk to Sarah May, but uh... I haven't been there much since, uh... since... Clyde or troll or whatever... hacked into my... Sonichu Girls account.

Julie: Ahh, I see. Wait- someone hacked into your Sonichu Girls account? That's awful!

Chris: Yeah.

Julie: I can't believe some JERK would do that- that makes me so mad!

[pause]

Chris: Yeah.

[pause]

Friends with Men

Chris: Yeah. Sarah... Sarah May... you can hear me on there, uh... you know you can hit me... set that back up. Whenever you can.

Troll: Mmm hey I was just wondering- Robert Simmons... is he your friend or what? I heard you know- you don't like to be friends with guys, but... is he like a exception or what?

Chris: Mmm? Mmm- no, no.

[pause]

Troll: But he seems like really good friends with you though.

Julie: So we can, like, hate him or...?

Chris: No, no... I don't... hate him. Uhh... yeah, it's- he's more of a buddy.

Troll: So... he's like the only buddy as far as guys go... right?

Chris: I've had uhh... a few buddies in my lifetime.

Troll: Oooh, I thought you like hated guys or something... or-or didn't feel comfortable around them. Or something.

Chris: Yeah, it's a combination.

Troll: Yeah but what about Robert? I me-that's very interesting...

Chris: Wa-wa-wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Okay. Okay. It's not necessarily th- it's NOT that I hate g- hate all men... I just the ones that are- that have- that are really... jerks, which that'll be the majority of the male population.

[The trolls talk over each other for nearly 30 seconds here, with occasional breaks]

Troll: Isn't that sexist Chris?

[pause]

Troll: That's- that's... yeah That's kinda- that's kinda rough, Chris. It'd be kinda mean if someone said you liked- if [inaudible] fuck most 90% of all the population of something...

Troll: Very, very insensitive...

Troll: ... would die, or something...

Troll: ... not nice...

Troll: ... I mean, who-who would say that?

Chris: I have known a lot of jerks in my lifetime.

Troll: I mean, uh, I confess, we all have.

Troll: Yeah but how far have you really traveled to see that Ch-Chris have- like, you know, there's so many other places in the world where men can actually be nice.

Troll: I mean, but not nice in the gay way.

[The trolls finally stop talking over each other.]

Chris: [MASSIVE stress sigh] Yeah I... don't know how to answer those questions cuz... I never traveled around the world. This far-The farthest I've ever traveled was to California on airplane... to visit my half-

Troll: [inaudible] -a neat place!

[the trolls talk over each other again]

Julie: Chris, you should go on a road trip.

Troll: Chris!

Troll: The world's a pretty good guy, eh?

[pause]

Chris: Yeah well-

Troll: I mean, I can understand... like, a jerk move would be like... say, you're a friend with some lady and then some guy comes up to and takes her away from you, like, even though he knows you're in a relationship with her, but, like, if-if like, y-you've never ever known these people before how is it more of a- h-how does it really make them a jerk if you've never really met them and they didn't even know you or... you know, haven't had the chance yet.

Chris: Ummm... not really sure.

[pause; soft beep in the background.]

Troll: Oh.

On The Trans-gender Community

Cameron: Hmm. Oh, Chris- I. I have a question for you. Uhm... I recall asking you once, like a few... chats ago... if you ever thought about being a cyborg and-... you said no... but you thought about being a girl, and, you know, you went on... signed a package God gave you. But theeen, towards the end, you said that transgender people... male to female to be specific- you suggested that they should... actually go ahead and have the surgery... take the hormones and I'm just wondering... some trans-women don't *really* have a problem with that area, I'm just- curious why you would suggest that.

Chris: Ok what- okay what you're saying... it's not what- it's not what I sugge- I-I-I never said anything like, uh, like about the trans-gender people, or... taking a- or taking any surgery or what like that. You might- you might be uh, be confusing that to, uh, to where, to where I said that... I'd sooner change my gender b- then, before I- before I became a homo.

[It's obvious that Chris either forgot or chooses to forget when he said this statement; unfortunately, that part of the chat is part of a previous mumble which hasn't been completely transcribed. At least, BlueSpike and Cameron are quite convinced it occurred; if anyone knows where Chris said that, feel free to link it in.]

[sound of typing in the background]

Julie: Actually Chris, um... Cameron's right- I think you did say that.

Chris: Hmm, I don't remember.

[pause]

Cameron: Yeah we- we have a record, 'n... I just remember that.

Cameron: Yeah, I mean, what do you think of trans-women in general? I mean- I know they're not sweetheart material, but... in general. Like, should they... go under the knife?

Chris: Um... [long pause] no. I- no no. And I'll tell you this- and if I ever have a trans-gender child with both sets of, uh- with both sets of... genitals... I would uh, raise that child to be a boy.

Cameron: Reeeally. Well, f-first [sound of Windows beeping] of all, well, uhh, both sets or something like that is actually called inter-sexed- and it c-

[audio cut]

Cameron: And uh... yeah, that's an old archaic term, Gecko-

Troll: I was wondering, uh-

Cameron: Oh go ahead, Fallijan [sic?]-

Chris: W-well either, well either way, transgender or hermaphrodite I'd raise them as a male.

Fallijan: I mean-

Cameron: Chris-

Fallijan: -when the child was born, couldn't you just like get an operation to have one set removed?

Cameron: I think it should be up to the child's choice eventually, I mean that does-

Chris: Yeah-

Fallijan: Hold on, lemme talk for a second.

Cameron: Okay, go Fallijan.

Fallijan: Uhh... Chris, like, say if you were dating a girl... and it turned out she actually had a penis, what would you do? Cuz' I had- I had that happen to me once.

Chris: Mmm. [pause] I'd freak out and probably throw up.

[pause]

Cameron: Wait, you would throw up because-

Fallijan: Yeah, me too, I-

Cameron: -your son was... trans-gender?

Chris: What? No no no no no no... I meant, if I was dating a woman, and I thought she was truly woman [sic], but then I found out she was a hermaphrodite or a trans-gender... then-

Cameron: But- but... but yoooou... said that you... support their decisions to do that... why would you... why would you like, you know-

Troll: Freak out.

Cameron: Freak out about it.

Chris: [stress sigh] [pause] Uhhh...

Julie: Yeah c'mon, people can do that operation thing, they don't- they- they feel kind of... well, people feel kinda picked on when they just don't get dates because of that. [pause] And it makes people feel bad, Chris, it kind of does.

Chris: [stress sigh] [pause] Uhgh. I'm sorry, it's... mmm.

Julie: It's- it's okay.

A Wild Kitty Appears!

[pause]

[Four soft beeps; the first two and last are identical, the third appears to be a Skype noise.]

[Horrific, tortured yowling can be heard.]

Chris: Hi there sweety.

[More beeps.]

[More pained yowling.]

Chris: It's my cat. Excuse me. [inaudible] Are you hungry? [inaudible]

Julie: Can I talk to the kitty?

[Sound like a large avalanche of junk.]

[Even more pained yowling. That cat probably hasn't been fed in a couple of days or more.]

[pause]

[Hamtsy giggles in the background, someone says something (possibly her) but I can't be sure what it is or who says it. The general drift is 'it's okay, go on'.]

Julie: Chris?

[pause]

Julie: Did [inaudible] log out?

Chris: I was talking to my cats.

Julie: Oh, okay.

Troll: What kind of cats do you have?

[pause]

[sound of typing]

Julie: Kitty!

Return Of The Dickgirls

Fallijan: So uh, about the things we were saying before; if you found out, like, you know, would you still love that person?

Chris: Umm... [pause] uhh. If I f-

Fallijan: If you had feelings for...

Chris: Umm... [longer pause] mmm. Hey Mum, whatcha up to?

Chris: [faint] Oh, okay...

[sound of mountains of junk, trash and rubbish being shuffled around]

Snorlax: [faint] Somebody poop?

Chris: [faint] Yeeeah... Kitty did it already, I cleaned it up.

[possibly someone muttering in the background]

Chris: [faint] I did.

[pause, moving of junk]

Chris: Mmm. Right, so what was the question?

Julie: Wait, is that your mother? Can I talk to her?

Chris: Mmm, no she just left.

[Julie, Fallijan and Cameron talk over each other]

Julie: Aww, okay.

Fallijan: Yeah Cogs said that- pretty much said it.

Cameron: Yeah, to your left.

[End talking over each other]

Chris: Yeah so, what was the question?

Fallijan: Like... if you loved someone- I mean, a girl and it turned out that she had a penis, would you still love her?

Chris: Ooooh yeah. Uhh, mmm. No, I'd pre- no, I'd pretty much uh... break it off, but you know-

Fallijan: Not even friends?

Cameron: Yeah, not even friends...?

Chris: I mean but uh, yeah but I mean, uh, yeah, I- I mean break up... relationship and go back to being just friends.

[pause]

Fallijan: Okay.

Cameron: Oooh, okay.

Julie: But Chris, looks don't always matter, shouldn't it be the person itself? I mean-

Cameron: Really, yeah!

Julie: I mean, not, not what's on the outside but what's on the insi-

Chris: [Chris talks over Julie]- I-I said I'd still be friends with that person. [Windows beeping]

Julie: Yes well- yes, but why would you still break with them just 'cuz of that?

Chris: I don't mean- I meant... I meant, I meant, kill them- I meant, still be friends but... not be romantic.

[pause]

Cameron: Hmm.

[pause]

Fallijan: Also, I was wondering, um- I watch a lot of television and I was wondering um- do you watch professional wrestling? I love it, my father loves it, and um-

Chris: Uhhhh... no, not- no, I don't watch it often. No.

Fallijan: Oh, like, you don't watch WWE or um... the Ultimate Fighting Championship?

Chris: Yeah I don't.

Fallijan: Oh, okay.

Chris: It just never really- it just never really interested me.

Cartoon Heroes, Audio Volume Fail

[The audio becomes extremely muted here.]

Fallijan: [very faint] Oh, okay.

[pause, sound of mouse clicks and typing in the background]

Fallijan: [very faint] Also uhh, can you tell us who your favorite cartoon hero is?

Chris: [very faint] Uhh... who wants to know about it?

Fallijan: [very faint] Me and [inaudible]

Chris: [very faint] Yeah well, when I heard, uh, it would be Sonic the Hedgehog I mean, you know but before him, I would say my hero would be The American Rabbit.

Fallijan: [very faint] Oh, that's great.

[Several trolls talk at once; due to the extreme quietness of the audio it is inaudible]

Fallijan: [very faint] -I mean, wait. Does that mean Sonic qualifies as like [inaudible] considering like you show... or, like, [inaudible]

Chris: [very faint] I consider it the number one in most ways.

Fallijan: [very faint] Yes but uh- that qualifies as a cartoon character if it's a video game... character.

Cameron: [very faint] Yes but he was also in a cartoon though, he had uh [inaudible]

Fallijan: [very faint] I remember that too like, like, when I was a little kid The Adventures of Sonic The Hedgehog- that's a fun show.

Cameron: [very faint] Yeah. [inaudible] Um Chris, which show did you like- did you like the one with uh, like the one which was on Saturday mornings, or... did you like the one with uh, with the [inaudible]

[Transcriber's note: Warning to listeners who may have their volume cranked to hear: the next speaker, presumably the person recording the conversation, has their volume at a normal level.]

Troll: [LOUD] They were all Steve Urkel as Sonic.

[Jaleel White, most famous for his role as Steve Urkel on the 1990s sitcom Family Matters, also voiced the character of Sonic the Hedgehog and other characters for Sonic the Hedgehog media.]

[Chris's next reply is muted and quiet again]

Chris: [very faint] Yeah, th- [inaudible]

Cartoon Heroes, Audio Volume Restored

[ From this point on, the audio is back to normal]

Troll: [LOUD] D-did ya' like the one that had Sally, and-

[Chris and the troll talk over each other]

Chris: -Yeah, I liked the-

Troll: -Bonny, and other characters?

Chris: -Yeah- Yeah- I liked the Saturday Morning better than the... weekday.

[Transcriber's note: There were two Sonic the Hedgehog cartoons showing at the time Chris was a kid. One was a shitty weekday serial which was basically slapstick comedy and random access humor while the other was a much more serious show. Surprisingly, Chris favored the serious show.]

Fallijan: I absolutely agree.

Troll: Yeah, that was a much better one.

Fallijan: Yeah. It was on, um- I think it was called like... the first one was The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, the second was Saturn... then there was Sonic_Underground|Sonic Underground-

[Transcriber's note: I could find no record of 'Sonic Saturn'.]

Chris: -Yeah.

Fallijan: -then there was Sonic X.

Chris' Life as a Soap Opera

Troll: Here's a question, what's your favorite soap opera?

Cameron: Yeah, d-do you watch them?

Chris: Yeah I watch soap opera- yeah, I've watched soap operas... I'd say, I've watched more- I've watched most often The Young and the Restless.

Cameron: OooOOOOoooh.

Chris: A-And then- and then- [Windows beeping] during my teenage years I also watched MTV's Undressed.

Cameron: Hmm.

Fallijan: I'm watching a soap opera.

Cameron: Yeah. Uhh, Chris- do you sometimes get the feeling that your life is kinda... a soap opera?

Chris: [sounding annoyed] Yees. Yes.

Cameron: Mmm. How so?

Chris: Just feels that- it just feels that way.

Cameron: Mmm. The only thing-

Chris: You know, I get- I get a lot of drama in my lifetime.

Cameron: Ahh. Do you think that making your videos just... feeds into that a bit more?

Chris: [stress sigh] A lot of things have been... fed... to my... lifetime.

Cameron: Ohh, really?

Chris: So it's like... well. A lot. A lot of stuff. Like, yeah.

Fallijan: Yeah, you gotta keep doing what you do, you know, don't let the anyone get you down or anything.

Chris: Yeah.

Fallijan: Just... just like, the end of a very good story, like, everybody's life has a happy ending. The heroes. It's like a very good story.

Chris: Yeah.

[The trolls talk over each other]

Cameron: Ooooh, hans-

Cameron: Ohh, really?

Fallijan: Oh yeah- yeah- Hans here had a question here. He said- I he- I heard you're going to make a Chris Chandler show.

Chris: [stress sigh; Chris sounds annoyed] That has- that has not been decided fully yet. Uhh, Vivian suggested it.

[The trolls talk over each other]

Julie: I think it's a great idea!

Various Trolls: Yeah! Yeah!

Cameron: I would watch it.

Fallijan: Oh. Like, if you did do that, would you do it on like a weekly basis or-

Chris: Yeah- yeah I'd say more of a-

Fallijan: -like a daily, or like a monthly-

Chris: -I'd say more- I'd say more a weekly.

Troll: I'd watch it every time, I mean...

Fallijan: How long would each show be?

Chris: [stress sigh] I- obviously ten minutes, I mean, there's uh- that' a limit.

Fallijan: Well you could divide it- [Various trolls interject, Fallijan shouts over them] DIVIDE it into parts?

Julie: Yeah you should make it like half an hour, e-every week.

Chris: Uhgh...

Fallijan: Like Sonic Saturn.

Chris: Yeah- I don't know. Uhh, that's for me to decide... eventually.

A Terrible Idea is Born

Troll: Also like The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog you could- you should add a segment for the children, like, you know, like, "Ask Chris" or "Chris Says"-

[Trolls talk over each other here, the general drift is to suggest names for the title.]

Fallijan: Yeah like telling peo- telling kids not to do drugs and stuff like that.

Troll: [static-y] Sexual harassment and all that.

Chris: Yeah.

Fallijan: Plus, will- [audio cut]

Rosechu-porn

Chris: Yeah. [pause] Yeah.

Julie: Just make an eighteen-or-over section or something, they'll see the... comics-

Chris: [Chris talks over Julie] Yeah I'll- I'll-

Julie: I'd love it.

Chris: Yeah I'll eventually make one of those, I just haven't gotten around to it yet.

[Various trolls interject and try to talk, but Fallijan wins.]

Fallijan: -Chris. [pause] Yeah you know Chris, I heard something about an uh... poke'boy magazine I reckon that'd be pretty cool to release, you know. With the uh- with the uh... photos, and pinups of all the Sonichu... uhh- the Rosechu girls. That uh, that I think'd- [Chris talks over Fallijan] it'd be kind of fun.

Chris: [annoyed] Yeah well for your information it's two syllables, Rose-Chu, not Rose-a-chu it's...

Fallijan: Oh, okay. It's uh- it's uh-

Chris: [quietly] It's okay.

Fallijan: It's west coast dialect.

Chris and Sonic Games

Cameron: I'm not sure if it's been asked before Chris, but do you prefer the 2D Sonic games or the 3D ones? Cuz' I like- I like the ones on the Genesis the best...

Chris: Mmm. [pause] Ahh. [pause] Mmm. I think I like 3D better.

Fallijan: Hmm. [pause] In my opinion Sonic 3D was the best.

Chris: Yeah.

Cameron: Oh, that one was pretty awesome.

Troll: Definitely.

Chris: That was the first- that was the first... 3D attempt at putting Sonic in 3D world, [Chris slurs his words into an indecipherable mess] anyway.

Troll: Actually, my favourite one was where you would take-

[A troll tries to talk over the first, but the first starts again after a brief pause]

Troll: My favourite one was where you would take Sonic and Knuckles and a- and latch Sonic 3 onto it, that was a great game.

Chris: Yeah.

Fallijan: Also, um. I was wondering. If you were doing the show, would it be scripted or would it be like an improvisation, unscripted format? And would it have commercial... breaks?

Chris: Urgh... I would probably improvise, and no commercial breaks.

Fallijan: O...kay.

[silence]

Cameron: Wait, wait. Commercial breaks... don't you understand how TV works?

[various trolls talk over each other, Cameron wins]

Cameron: How do you think they make money?

Chris: Yeah I know but uh...

[INCOMPLETE: CRASH INTO SLUMBER.]

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