Lars Call

Lars, with boat. Sheeeiiit.

“	I be like... "Current age year-old man, seek- lookin' for an 18-to-current-age-year-old woman! Be my sweetheart and junk!" And they be- They misinterpret that, they be thinkin' I be lookin' just for the- Just for the booty call! But no, I ain't lookin' just for the booty call, I'm lookin' for the long run, the emotional attachments and everythaaang!	”
Chris, talking like a niggo.

“	I want Jackie and I want to be able to keep my video games.	”
Chris, torn between two loves

The Lars Call was a ninety-minute phone conversation on 4 November 2010 where Chris talked with Jackie's black ex-boyfriend Lars (actually Alec Benson Leary), discussing addictions, a parade he promised Jackie, what he would do for a woman, and boats, all in a surprisingly civil manner (especially given the previous videos Chris made about Lars). Chris got comfortable with Ebonics, and hilarity ensued. Near the end of the call, Lars mentions he's going to have sex with Jackie, and Chris completely misses what he just said as he hangs up the phone, once again proving how dense Chris really is.

Video

Lars Call
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Stardate	6 November 2010
Featuring	Chris; Jackie; Lars
Saga	Jackie

Summary

• Jackie (who, if she isn't voiced by her, sounds remarkably similar to Kacey) greets Chris before handing the phone to Lars.
• Chris confronts Lars about him forcing Jackie to have an involuntary abortion. Lars says "my bad", and explains he was not ready for such a high-maintenance task like raising a child.
• Lars got rid of his boats, Chris gets rid of his Legos.
• Lars didn't finish school because people played Kick the Nigga.
• Lars doesn't understand autism, after Chris's explanation, he thought it was Asperger's and Down Syndrome Downtism.
• Chris whines about trolls, not getting a job, and being called a homo. Lars hears him.
• Chris doesn't like when people say "gay" as in stupid, Lars doesn't like when people say "nigga" out of context.
• Chris explains his comic, and how he incorporates IRL enemies into it. Lars tells him to continue the comic in order to conquer the trolls.
• Lars says Jackie is upset because she isn't an inspiration for Chris to do the comic, and he sometimes doesn't do what he tells her he will.
• Chris tells Lars he's a virgin; Lars says that explains his rage against the trolls.
• Chris rewrites the comic so he doesn't kill "Alec Bason Nigga".
• Jackie better not burn that casserole.
• Lars notes how Chris promised a parade for Alec to Jackie. Chris denies it, but Lars has the e-mail proving he did.
• Jackie initially broke up with Lars because he told her he'd lose the boats, and he didn't. Chris feels him. Chris is Lars's nigga.
• Chris is willing to give up the Moon and Mercury if he had it, for Jackie. He's really giving up video games, but he won't sell his "PS Triple".
• Lars spent $35,000 on six credit cards for boats. He won't let addiction rule his life anymore.
• Chris swears on the grave on his Aunt Corina he will not spend anymore on his PS3 (at least it wasn't Patti).
• Lars spent nine months as a volunteer at a hospital, enjoying the sight of old white men dying.
• More bitching about trolls.
• Lars and Chris talk about their criminal records, Lars makes trespassing sound bad ass.
• Chris apparently turns into a nigga himself as about halfway in and speaks in Ebonics (off and on) the remainder of the call.
• Chris would shoot Michael Snyder if he had the chance. Michael was just looking for a reason to ban Chris.
• Lars gives Chris a scenario of someone breaking in. Chris says he's strong and would kick their ass (but only if they hit first).
• Chris likes black people on TV. Lars gets mildly offended upon hearing how Chris likes Sanford & Son. They both hold up their fists in black solidarity.
• The conversation goes back to Jackie. Lars himself notes how well the two are getting along despite their shaky start, and wonders why Jackie is mad at Chris.
• Chris claims that he will make things right.
• Lars tells Chris that his dick is four inches of straight goodness.
• Lars burned his boats because he wants Jackie back and suggested that Chris burn his PS3 to get Jackie back.
• Lars thinks he has the upper hand over Chris in the competition over Jackie. He was known as "Ram-rod" in High School.
• Chris talks about his Cherokee heritage. He's not a "casino nigga" and beats the stereotype that Native Americans have jobs.
• Lars respects Chris trying to win Jackie back, while Lars is "ramrodding" her.
• Chris talks about destroying his first PS3, Lars questions why he got a second one. Chris says he needs it as a computer. Lars asks why he didn't get a computer instead.
• Lars tells Chris to improve himself whether Jackie stays with him or not.
• Jackie can't come to the phone; she's taking a massive shit, courtesy of Taco Bell.
• Chris whines that making changes is too hard.
• Lars says Chris is afraid of women. Chris denies it.
• Chris makes some suspicious-sounding grunts. He says he didn't have Taco Bell for dinner, but a fish fillet.
• Lars lost his virginity at 8; he was scared, so he only made the bitch cum twice.
• Lars tells Chris if he loses the PSTriple, his ass will be kicked out on the street and Jackie will be at Chris's doorstep the following day.
• Lars concludes with the fist of solidarity, he will bang Jackie when she gets out of the bathroom.
• Chris promises Honesty to Lars, he wants Jackie AND video games.
• Chris likes orange soda.
• Lars didn't know what Kenan & Kel or Nickelodeon was. In fact, he's more familiar with the 1920s-era coin theaters that granted the TV channel its namesake.
• Lars wraps up the call so Chris can go to bed, and so Lars can go fuck Jackie.

Stats

• The word "nigga" is used 185 times. Chris uses the word twice.
• "Shit" is used 554 times.
• "Yo" is used 46 times.

Transcript

You Are Now About to Witness the Strength of Street Knowledge (0:01 - 7:00)

Jackie: [In shrill, forced enthusiasm] Oh hi Chris, it's Jackie! How are you?
Chris: ...Oh... Jackie... Hi.
Jackie: Well I got your email!-
Chris: Well- Yeah. Oh, uhhh. Yep. What's a... What's... a... [sounds of frantic typing] what's... a what's... uh, your response there?
Jackie: Um, sorry I missed your- missed you last night, I just didn't know if you'd be around! Listen, I'm going to turn you over to Lars right now, and I'll be listening. So you-
Chris: Oh.
Jackie: -two boys play nice, ok?
Chris: Um, ok.
Jackie: Lars!
Lars: YO! BITCH WHERE MAH DINNER AT?!
Chris: ...hmm, hello?
Lars: Yo!, yo-yo-yo. Who dis at?
Chris: ...
Lars: Yo dawg?
Chris: ...
Lars: Yo who did-did? Yo this be Lars and shit, who dis?
Chris: Uh, this is Christian.
Lars: Yo! yo, Christian C. How y'all doin' dawg?
Chris: Um, I'm-fu- I'm fairing out. How are you?
Lars: Doin' alright, nigga. Shit. Yo, I'll be honest with y'all dawg. I ain't wanna do this call and shit at first, y'know? You diggin' and shit? Bet y'all pro'lly felt the same way, and shit.
Chris: ...
Lars: But then my-m, my girl Jackie, she be all like: "Bitch, you best be doin' this call! Lest I'll be all breakin' up you with y'all and shit." So I be like doin' the call and shit.
Chris: ...
Lars: Yo, dawg-
Chris: ...Ye-
Lars: -what you wanna talk about?
Chris: Hmm, well, uh... yeah for uh... well, for one thing, well, I know what you put- what you did do to Jackie a while back, you spike- you spiked her coffee and killed the unborn child.
Lars: Yo yo yo yo yo, dog, yo dog. That my bad and shit, yeah. I'll own up to that shit, sure, shiiit. That's in the past and shit, dog. I own up to that shit, and that's in the past. And I own up to that shit. Yeah.
Chris: Okay- okay, but how did you own up to that?
Lars: Shit, dog, what you talkin' 'bout? I ain't do that shit no more. I made that shit up. Yo dog, what you talkin' 'bout? Shit be long gone, water over the bridge and shit.
Chris: Well, the fact remains that she was pregnant with your child, then she lost it.
Lars: Yeah, yeah, all got- I ain't ready to be no baby daddy and shit. Shit, yo, nigga get scared and shit, fuck. Y'all know what that be like and shit. Y'all ain't be no a-dult and shit, you know? Ain't ready to take on no a-dult responsiblities. Fuck. I done pour libations and shit for that baby, I tell ya what.
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: I done regret it and shit. You know? Shit happens. Shit be in the past, though and shit. I'm a new nigga, now. You dig, you feel me?
Chris: Yeah, I hear- I hear you.
Lars: Yo, so I be burn no baby no baby fetus no more neither. I'm ready for baby now. I got a job and shit, I got rid of my stupid boats and shit too, damn.
Chris: Yeah, I heard you burned those boats.
Lars: Got rid of all of them boats. Not just my boats, neither. Got rid of boats, got rid of my expansion pass for boats, got rid of my paint kits for them boats, shit you know dog, I be goin' through my closet and shit, I got paint kit for boats I ain't even own, nigga. Man, sometimes a nigga just face his life and shit, when he ain't facin' it, he ain't realize what he got, 'til it's gone. Be like the song, and shit. You gots to get rid of all that shit, you feelin' me?
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: I got boats in the closet, boats in the yard, boats in the living room, boats in the lawn, boats in my driveway and shit. Boats on the roof and shit. Shit be takin' over my house. Like a bad habit and shit, y'all feelin' me?
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: Yo, yo, y'all got- y'all got any nasty habits and shit there Chris?
Chris: N-nasty habits?
Lars: Yeah, yeah, you know, any boats and shit? Model planes, and trains, and automobiles maybe? Anything that be weighing you down, and shit?
Chris: Hmm, yeah-
Lars: We all got our demons and shit. You must got somethin', lay it on me, dog.
Chris: Oh... okay, well I did have a whole city made out of Legos that I tore- I des- pretty much tore it down, and-
Lars: Huh, y'all done got a city of Legos and shit? Man, I feel you, that's gangsta.
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: How much 'fetti y'all get for all them Legos, how much money you get?
Chris: Hmm, nah I didn't get very- I didn't give no- I didn't get much money from... I did- there just a whole bunch- a whole bunch of pieces of bricks and whatnot and people are already on their way and most children already have their own bunches of Legos, and they're like they don't need it any more to call up their house and all that.
Lars: Shiiit, I feel you. Take them Legos to the bank, get some Lego bills and shit. Man, I just took $30 worth of nickels to the bank this mornin'. Got myself some bills, I did. Jackson and a Hamilton and shit, goin' to Popeyes Chicken with that shit. Bet you feel that, right dog? Y'all ever been to Popeyes and shit?
Chris: Hmm, no I cannot say I have sampled Popeyes-
Lars: Dog, oh dog you missin' out, missin' out. Damn good chicken and shit.
Chris: Yeah, I'm sure it is, I have heard good things about Popeyes.
Lars: A'ight a'ight a'ight, you feel me, you feel me, and I feel you and shit. Damn, nigga. Yo, yo, I be digressin' and shit, we gettin' off topic. We be talkin' 'bout yours and mines nasty habits and shit, what else do you got, dog? Lay it on me.
Chris: Hmm...
Lars: I feel all righteous and shit, gettin' rid of all my boats, feel like a new nigga and shit. Feel like a whole new day be startin' for me. You ever have a feelin' like that, dog?
Chris: Yeah, I have felt that way before.
Lars: Tell me all about it, dog.

Slow Times at Manchester High (7:00 - 12:30)

Chris: Well pretty much felt like- felt like a big time star and all that when I had a good number of friends back in high school. But then I had- then I graduated and had to leave Chesterfield County where I was going to high school and move back Ruckersville. And then it just, pretty much went downhill for me, and I didn't have too many friends.
Lars: Shit, dog, I hear high school be fun and shit. Oh no, dropped out halfway through seventh grade and shit. That's a cross I had to bear and shit. Dayum.
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: Been tryin' to go to high school and shit, ain't no niggas in the school system be wantin' no nigga up in their classroom. They be playin' "Kick the Nigga" and shit. Shit ain't gangsta, they be straight bustas and shit. Fuckin' niggas. Y'all know 'bout getting tormented and shit, ain't you? Tormented for your differences and shit.
Chris: Yeah, I got pretty much tormented for my autism and considerable slow-mindedness, that has happened to me before.
Lars: Yo, yo, yo, dog, au-austiss- wait, the fuck that shit be? D- au...
Chris: Autism, it's a- uh, it's a slowness in the mind where, it just, uh, it basically inhibits social functions. Y'know, being able to socialize as well as normal people. You can look it up on Wikipedia.
Lars: Oh, y'all be a slow-in-the-mind and shit, then, huh? Like that Down syndrome and shit. My cousin got that shit. Ain't got no neck and shit. Fuckin' shit, nigga can't fit no shirts.
Chris: Well, yeah, well, it's not uh- it is not Down syssdrome, it's way different from Down syndrome, just look it up on Wikipedia, and it's A-U-T-I-S-M.
Lars: Be more like that Asperger's and shit.
Chris: Um...
Lars: I ain't know anyone with that Asperger's, I hear that's some shit. They be all up in them trains and shit. Maybe I should get tested for that shit, I have my boats and shit. I probably grew out of it though, got rid my boats, though.
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: So you got them Asperger's and shit, all right dog- all right. I hear you, I feel you. I feel you, yo, we all got our- we all got our differences, we all gots our liabilities.
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: What else you got dog? Yo dog, you- you seem like a nice nigga and shit. Man, I ain't think this call gonna be pleaseant and shit, but so far we be doin' good. I ain't know why Jackie be comin' back to me and shit, when she got you. Says she ain't happy with you though. Why we gotta be talkin'? Why Jackie havin' us do this shit? She ain't explain nothing to me.
Chris: Well, she’s, uh-
Lars: Man, yo, I love the bitch and shit, sometimes she treat me like a fuckin’ house nigga. Shit, won’t-bitch won’t tell me nothin’.
Chris: Yeah. I hear you. My-my mom-it happens between my mom and dad. It’s, uh, lack of communication and-yeah, shit like that.
Lars: Feel that, feel that. Fifty percent of marriages in this country lead to divorce because of that shit. Now, I’m a black man, so I’m naturally afraid of marriage and shit, so that probably ain’t gonna affect me and Jackie. But still, shit ain’t right. Shit ain’t gangsta.
Chris: Yeah. I hear-
Lars: Shit ain't cornbread.
Chris: I hear that.
Lars: So why Jackie be not happy with you and shit? I mean, y'all know why Jackie wasn't happy with me. I wanna know why Jackie ain’t happy with you. We got-we got’s to bond like true niggas.
Chris: Yeah. Well, uh, she and I, uh, we’ve had our, uh, our fights as well, but, uh, with my computer went, uh, went all on the fritz and I wasn’t able to get back out-to get back on, and it’s like, I can’t afford to get a new computer right now to, uh, replace-a new computer tower, and, uh, and we-and we haven’t been able to talk to each other through, uh, AIM and, uh, she’s kinda felt neglected on that. And, uh, also she requested me to upload-to make and upload videos to YouTube for her, which I have done, and, uh-
Lars: A’ight, a’ight, I know about them videos and shit. I’ve been watching that shit. Man, I’ve been wondering what that shit all about, then I find out Jackie been asking y'all to do shit. Yo yo yo yo dawg, let me ask you a question and shit, though. Yo-
Chris: Uh huh.
Lars: You been doing these-You been doing these videos and shit. Why she be mad and shit? You be doing what she asks, right? You be doing everything-
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: -she asks? (pause) Somethin’ about-
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: Somethin’ about some comic she was bitchin’ about the other day. I was like, “Bitch! Go make me my fuckin’ steak dinner, bitch!” But she just keep railing on about that fuckin’ comic video. I watched that comic video, you scribbled some shit, maybe ‘cause you ain’t colorin’ shit, I don’t know.
Chris: Well, I mean, uh-
Lars: Jackie-Jackie like them colors. Yo, hell, I ain’t got to tell you she like colors. She like me. That’s all the color she needs. I guess she wanted more color from you, though.
Chris: Yeah, well I mean, I recorded that video, I hadn't had a chance to color it in yet, but I had planned to color it in after that, and uh, and th- and I'll be taking the, uh video file and uploading to YouTube at the, uh, library. I just haven't been able to get out in my car lately.

Turf Wars (12:30 - 16:00)

Lars: I heard it be somethin' 'bout you pickin' fights with- with artisans and shit, other cartoonists? You be like, trollin' and shit. Startin' gang wars and shit?
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: Turf wars? I come from the streets, I know what turf war be all about.
Chris: Eh.
Lars: Shit. Ain't no winners in that game. Everybody lose.
[Pause]
Chris: Hm. Well it's uh, not really a turf war, it's- ah, but I guess it can be considered like that. It's a- I have- I have been havin' my fights and bouts against a- like, a Internet bullies, and cyberbullies. Trolls.
Lars: What is-
Chris: [interjecting] They just, uh- they just, uh- think they're breaking uh- I became like, a Internet celebr- Internet c-celebrity with my, uh, crea- my uh, my genius of my comic, in my comics and whatnot. So yeah, they uh, just essentially torture me. They, uh- They- they- they- like, they- uh, really weigh me down. And plus, they, uh- like, called my, like, got my, they got overtime from between the hackings and they uh, pretend to be other people, and- and uh, and all that damn shit. It's, they uh- get a whole bunch of, uh [unintelligible]
Lars: I feel you, dog. I feel ya.
Chris: They get a whole bunch of footage from me and they just twist it and turn it the wrong way and just make my-and they just smear my once good name in the mud. Makes it very hard for me to get a job of my own with the background checks. Then-and they pretty much Google my-Google my name and all you get was, uh-all you get’s pretty much, other than the first, and their sole results is, uh, damn CWCki and uh, damn Encyclopedia Dramatica and that’s just a whole bunch of weigh-me-downs-
Lars: I feel ya, I feel ya.
Chris: [unintelligible] –bad about me.
Lars: That fuckin’ man hold a nigga down. Shit, I’ve been living that shit, whole life and shit. Damn. Fuckin’ niggas tryin’ to hold a nigga down. Yo yo, yo-
Chris: You know, Lars-
Lars: Yo yo yo, let m-oh, no no, you go ahead, dawg. You go ahead.
Chris: Okay-
Lars: You go on with your righteous self.
Chris: Yeah. Anyway, they also misla-they also mislabel me as a homosexual when I am a straight man.
Lars: Homosexual and shit? Damn. Like on the DL?
Chris: [unintelligible]
Lars: That what they say?
Chris: Yeah they be calling me- yeah, they be calling me gay. But I'm a- but I'm a straight man.
Lars: Man, I know these niggas. Y'all like, they be all like men who have sex with men an' shit? They call themselves gay, but I'm like, nigga, you be gay if you be having sex with men. I mean, what that shit about? Fuckin' gay niggas, ain't wanna admit they gay. You know that gay shit, though, I think it's that, that macho shit. Ain't no black man want to admit to being a gay.
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: Dawg.
Chris: [unintelligible] Yeah, yeah plus you know what also, you know along those lines what really ticks me off is when they-when they use the word "gay" when they really mean "stupid" or "retarded."
Lars: Shit. All be like when niggas be using the word nigga an' shit. That be our word and shit, ain't no one got the right to use that shit.
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: You know how that feels 'an shit, it hurts me. Right here. Right fucking here.
Chris: Yeah, I-
Lars: I be tappin' my chest, where my heart muscle is? You can't see it 'cause we on the phone, but that's what I be doin'. To enunciate my point. So.
Chris: Yeah, I-
Lars: What you sayin' is, when people call you gay, that be hurting you the same way, 'cause "gay" be like your word. Just like "nigga" be like my word, an' shit. Damn.
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: Shit.
Chris: Essentially, yeah, I know.

The Alec Bason Nigga Parade (16:00 - 26:43)

Lars: Yo, yo, yo, yo, dog, dog. Let me, let me go back, let me ax you. Ya'll say you be drawin' comics and shit, what kind of comics you draw, dog?
Chris: Yeah. Ugh, it's uh, from a idea I had. Uh, in a nutshell it's essentially combining Sonic the Hedgehog and Pikachu. Called him, uh, Sonichu. And that's all--he's like this, he actually goes on the adventures and whatnot, similar to Sonic the Hedgehog in one, he's got like electric powers and he can run fast and everything. They, and he hangs around, he hangs around, goes out with his girlfriend and uh, yeah, eventually they get married and uh, they have children.
Lars: Shit, be like Archie comics and shit. Y'know, I always though Archie be gay an' shit. Fuckin' Archie.
Chris: N-no-
Lars: Archie Bunker with his negativity, fuckin' callin' people nigger. Gooks. Swanks. Wanks. Negros. All of his jughead remarks, shit. Fuckin' Archie. That be like what your comic is like, dog?
Chris: Well, I mean essentially, that would be what it would've been, but then I, then that, I kind of like lost track of when the trolls, the cyberbullies, they weighed me down. And then they, then you know the expression, "too many cooks spoil the broth." Well, they used to get on my mind so much that they get, then I end up drawing them into my comic books, making them into villains, and yadda-yadda-yadda. They just, they just...and they just essentially just worsened my... most of my books. And then-
Lars: Alright.
Chris: Yeah. Originally-
Lars: Alright.
Chris: Yeah. Originally it was supposed to be like, you know, like ages 7 and up, but then I end up going to the content, uh, it could be considered, be like, be like definitely be considered adulterous. Even some, even some-
Lars: Alright.
Chris: Even some-
Lars: I see.
Chris: Even some naked things I had but I, I just up and did. You know.
Lars: You ain't be drawing your comic because these, 'cause these white niggas what be hatin' on your work. They be drinkin' all that Haterade. That why you ain't be drawing. I see.
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: Aw shit, dog! That be why Jackie asked you to do the comic and shit! Shit, it all falls together now, the last puzzle piece in place. Cracka, you know if you stop that it means they win, right? Ya'll gots to get up on that comic and shit.
Chris: Yeah, I real, yeah, I really do need to get back to drawing more, drawing more p, drawing more comics and pages. But I just haven't been able to find the inspiration. They weighed me down so bad they just affe-, they just affected (?) me in the back of my mind and my subconscious.
Lars: 'Em dog Jackie be telling me she thought she'd be your inspiration and shit. Ain't that the case and shit? What be goin' on then?
Chris: Yeah, she, yeah, she did-
Lars: Jackie be all like...Jackie be all like "Aw shit, nigga!" That's what she said to me, she said "Aw shit, nigga! Why ain't Chris be drawin' no comic for me? Ain't I no inspiration and shit? Dayum!" And I'll be like "Damn, bitch! Go make me my steak dinner!" Bitch be ballin' and shit. Fuckin' smack a ho... shit keeps up. Why you ain't draw the comic and shit for her?
Chris: Y-y-you can't, you can't exactly rush inspir- you can't exactly rush inspiration, for... uh... for one thing.
Lars: Yo, yo, yo! But ain't, ain't my bitch Jackie, ain't she give you the story and shit for this comic vidya?
Chris: Yeah, she gave me the idea of, like uh, for uh, for the, for uh, one dude who originally was definitely not original part of the comic scene, but then he did his parody against me, and uh, in his comic he portrayed killing me and, they're like getting to war (?) go against me and uh, even, even agreeing with this, even agreeing with this guy who pretends, who uh, pretends to be me and... (sigh). Just more, whole bunch of more shit right there. Anyway, what, anyway what she wanted me to throw him a- she wanted me to throw like a parade in a, in a, in a... in the comic, in my comic scene. And you know, like, you know, I mean he did what he did to me in his comics and I took it literally. It's like, you know, he fuckin', he fuckin' just shot, he fuckin' just, a whole bunch of bullet wounds in one go on my, on my, on myself. And I ain't gonna throw him a parade on that, on that, on that scene and whatnot.
Lars: Yo, yo, yo, I feel you angry an' shit, dog, I feel you furious an' shit. You furious at this nigga. An' I feel it. You know, dog-
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: Jackie be talkin' to me. Jackie be sayin', ain't the problem that you hate this nigga. Problem be, that you lie to her and tell her you gonna do it when you ain't mean to. What up with that, dog?
Chris: [Long pause] Well, I have told her that I was eh-I would not be giving him a parade but she just insisted on that and she just, uh, and I would, I would say that she just, kind of like, got in her mind that, she thought that was that-I was definitely going to do that, even though-
Lars: My shoulder, Jackie.
Chris: Told her-
Lars: Yo, yo, yo, yo dog, yo dog, my shoulder, Jackie. She be all like, she email you and ax you to do this video an' shit, an' then you email her back and say, "Yeah bitch, ain't no problem an' shit, I'll be doin' that." Ya'll ain't made no, no... no prov-ver-acations an' shit. Ya'll ain't made no provesations.
Chris: Yes, well, I mean that, I told her I would, that I would draw her the pages, but I did not tell her that I was going to throw him- throw him a parade in the pages because I had said that I was not giving him a fucking parade.
Lars: She said she wanted a parade an' shit, and then you write back saying you were gonna do it.
Chris: Yeah-
Lars: I mean I feel her anger. I feel her righteousness and shit. Lie of omission still be a fuckin' lie and shit. Ya'll dig, dog?
Chris: [Pause] Yeah.
Lars: Man, y'all got anger and shit, and I feel that. I feel that, I really do and shit nigga, but y'all got to stand up to yo' woman and shit, damn! Woman be tellin' you to do shit, y'all ain't just be lyin' to her. You gots a problem wit' yo' woman, you ain't lie to her, then all you got's two problems. Ya dig?
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: How often you get laid, dog?
Chris: Uh... I'm sorry, what was that?
Lars: How often you get laid? Pussy.
Chris: How often-
Lars: Yeah.
Chris: How often do I get laid?
Lars: Yeah, when the last time you cut some trim and shit?
Chris: Hm... I'm actually a virgin.
Lars: Aw, shit, dog. Explains that anger and shit. This be why you angry at them trolls.
Chris: [Pause] Yeah, among other things.
Lars: Shit dog, see- See dog, you be lyin' to women and shit, they ain't like that. Man, you ain't wanna do what no woman tells you to do, you just tell her straight up to her face. Then you have her go make you a steak dinner and shit. But you ain't lie to her and shit. Shit ain't gangsta. Shit be straight busta.
Chris: Yeah, I did tell her straight- I did tell her straight up that I was not gonna be throwing that- I was not gonna be throwin' him a fuckin' parade. I was not gonna draw him in a parade.
Lars: [Talking over each other] Yo dog, I be looking at printouts and shit. Y'all know us niggas don't be doin' too well on the Internet, Jackie be printin' out printouts and shit for me. Yo I be lookin' at printouts and shit. And...
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: In the email, she said, "Hey Chris, why don't y'all do that parade video for that, Alec... Alec Bason... Nigga, whatever his name is. Alec Bason Nigga. And then you say, "Sure Jackie, I'll be on that shit!" Y'all ain't make not protestations. why ain't y'all say nothing then?
Chris: (Pause) Hm. Well-
Lars: Y'all said you gonna do it. Ya'll not mean to do it. You feel me?
Chris: Yeah, tomorrow, to let you know, uh- This, it was essentially, in the replacement pages where I do not, uh, end up, I do not end up giving Alec a gory- and his crew, a gory demise, like I did originally. (Pause) I did not-
Lars: Yo, bitch Jackie said to throw this nigga a parade. You say "a'ight, I'm a do that." Then you didn't. (Pause) You be lyin' to women and shit often, dog? This be why you still a virgin and shit?
Chris: (Sigh)
Lars: Smellin' me, dog?
Chris: No- No, it's... (Sigh) Well... Wait a minute, (Sigh) My brain- I gotta catch up my brain, here. Mm.
Lars: A'ight, a'ight. I feel that.
Chris: (Long pause; some grunting heard while Chris catches up his brain)
Lars: (At Jackie:) Yo bitch don't burn that casserole! Fuckin' bitch.
Chris: Well-
Lars: Hold- Hold on.
Chris: (Pause) Yeah, you still there?
Lars: Yeah. Yeah dog, I be here. I be wit' you.
Chris: Alright. Alright, well. Well, I do not mean to, I did not mean to lie to her, but I did tell her straight up that I did not- That I had no intention of throwing that... Of throwing that dude a parade.
Lars: Nah dog, I be lookin' at the emails, she said to throw him a parade, you say you gonna do it. You ain't say "I ain't throwin' a parade."
Chris: (Pause) Yeah well I told- Yeah I mean I told her I did not wanna throw him- throw him- throw him a parade.
Lars: When you tell her this shit, I ain't see this shit. When you tell her you ain't throwin' a parade? I need some help and shit, dog, I ain't feelin' where you at.
Chris: Well, maybe uh...
Lars: Gots ourselves a... discommunication.
Chris: I- Yeah... I think it was discommunication.
Lars: No I mean between us and shit dog, I ain't feeling where you at. 'Cause I see the emails and shit, she say throw a parade for the nigga. You say a'ight. But you ain't mean a'ight.
Chris: Well, I said- Well I said alright in drawing the replacement pages.
Lars: You said a'ight to the whole email though.
Chris: But I did not-
Lars: You ain't pick out bits and pieces, and say yes to this, and no to that. That's why I'm- I be confused, I be confuzzled and shit.
Chris: Hm. Yeah uh-

Fueling the Fire (26:43 - 28:30)

Lars: Yo, yo, dog, let me relate a cautionary tale an' shit. Shit, shit happened way back in Jackie an' I first relationship and shit. Man, bitch be all like, "Lars, you best be gettin' rid of them boats, lest I bounce and shit," and I be like, "A'ight, a'ight dog, I'll be gettin' ridda my boats and shit, shorty. Shit, you'll see and shit. Damn!" Then the bitch was like, "A'ight, you be gettin' rid of them boats, I don't wanna see no boats here in forty-eight hours." I'll be like, "A'ight." I ain't mean to get ridda them boats. I just went out and bought mo' boats. Shit, bitch was all like, "Lars, you need to lose boats. Y'all be like, addicted and shit. You need to stop buyin' boats and shit." I be like, "A'ight" every fuckin' time. Every fuckin' time. I just payin' the bitch lip service and shit. Soon enough, whole fuckin' house fulla boats and shit.
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: I ain't ever mean to get ridda them boats, I just keep buyin' more boats. Y'all ever had anything like that shit? Someone want you to get ridda somethin', you say "a'ight"? Then you don't, and you just keep gettin' more? Fuckin' addiction, and shit. Fueling the fire.
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: Be like slavery, fueling them flames of injustice and shit.
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: Once you got that shit, can't stamp it out, and shit. Sheeeeit.
Chris: ...Yeah.
Lars: Y'all feel me, dog?
Chris: Yeah, I feel you. Hm. Alright well-
Lars: Who my nigga?
Chris: Alright well, anyway-
Lars: Who my nigga? Whoa, whoa, dog. Who my nigga? Ya'll be my nigga, right?
Chris: Yeah-
Lars: Y'all be feelin' me.
Chris: Yeah I be feelin' ya.
Lars: Yeah. Y'all be my nigga? Say it, dog. Say you my nigga.
Chris: Alright... I'll be yo nigga.

Never Gonna Give You Up (28:30 - 34:25)

Lars: Sheeeit. Dog be righteous and shit, up in here. Be all gangsta and shit. Nigga, I ain't expect this shit, y'all an me. We be homies and shit. Damn. I ain't know why Jackie wanna get rid a yo ass. That's what I'm tryin'a find out an' shit. 'Cause I'm confuzzled. Might be this lyin' and shit, maybe that be why she all mad at you an' shit. Might be somethin' else, I dunno. Anything else? What's goin' on there? (Pause) How much y'all love Jackie and shit?
Chris: How mu- I- I love- I love- I care and love Jackie a lot.
Lars: How much? How much- you love her more than what? Put it into quantintative terms and shit. (Pause) I'll be like-
Chris: Well-
Lars: I'll be like- Every night, I be like, "Jackie, I love yo ass more'n the moon an' shit. I would throw away the moon an' shit, Death Star that shit! Fuck. Ain't need to tides an' shit. All I need's my Jackie." Feelin' me? Damn!
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: What'd y'all give up for that bitch?
Chris: (Pause) Well I mean, I'll give up- I mean I would give up most anything for... for Jackie and me to be together.
Lars: Yo dog, she ever ask... ax you to be givin' up shit for her? (Pause) She ask me to give away my boats and shit. I be all like, refusin' an' shit, first time around. Shit be what burned our relationship. That and the whole fetus thing. Shit. Bitch ain't never gonna let me live that shit down. Be all harpin' on me, every time she serve me dinner and shit. Suckin' my dick, all I hear be like (Does impression of Jackie's dick-muffled voice) "Lars, why you kill my baby?" Fuckin' bitch. Yo, dog, I be digressin' and shit. Y'all my nigga, y'all gots to be cuttin' me off when I do that. Ten to wax philosophical and shit. My bad. My bad. Let's go back to that question and shit. What y'all givin' up for Jackie? (Pause) Thinka she like Lent and shit, what you givin' up?
Chris: Well, I mean, If I had the moon I would give that up for her as well.
Lars: A'ight, a'ight, I feel ya. Be all... poetical. Metaphorical and shit. Poetaphorical. Shit be romance, all Hallmark greetin' cards and shit. Bitches love that. Bitches be slobberin' all up on yo balls and dick when they hear that shit. Damn! (Pause) Practical terms, though, what y'all givin up for her? Like, like the metaphorical, I be givin' up the moon for the bitch. I ain't own the moon and shit. I ain't got no Death Star. Ain't no Empire gonna let no nigga in charge of a Death Star an' shit. Even that biggest galaxy nigga in the world, Darth Vader and shit, turned out to be pasty fuckin' white dude underneath. Shit. Lando Calrissian, fuckin' Uncle Tom and shit. Sellin' out a nigga to the Empire.
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: What y'all givin' up? I gave up my boats.
Chris: I actually, uh...
Lars: I burned them boats!
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: Ashes to ashes. Swords to plowsheds and shit.
Chris: Yeah. I tell you what, I'd be givin' up, uh... all other- I be givin' up, uh... The planet- The, uh planet closest to the Sun for Jackie. Mercury.
Lars: Shiiit, nigga. Ain't that shit be all dwarf planet and shit now? They be cuttin' three inches off that planet's dick an' shit? Heard that shit back in 2006. Fuck.
Chris: No, you're thinkin' about- You're thinkin' of Pluto, the planet that is farthest away from the Sun, this is the planet closest to the Sun.
Lars: A'ight, a'ight, I see. I see. Yeah, Space be black an' shit, but don't let that confuzzle you an' shit. Ain't no nigga goin' up in space, I tell ya what. Fuckin'-
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: Man gonna keep a nigga down. Keep a nigga on the ground. Keep a nigga from flyin'. Keep a nigga from tryin'. Sheeeit. Got my finger on the trigger, niggas wonder why. Livin' in the city, it's do or die, nigga. Y'all feel me?
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: I know y'all feel me, y'all be my nigga an' shit. Who my nigga? Who my nigga, dog?
Chris: I'm yo nigga.
Lars: You're my nigga, dog. You're my nigga. A'ight, a'ight, a'ight, I feel you. Let's go back to the metaphorical, metafusical, question of the evening. Y'all be givin' up Mercury?
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: Y'all be givin up the Moon? Y'all be givin' up Ceres and shit? Fuckin' Nix and Hydra, goddamn bullshit little moons. What else y'all givin' up? What practicalities and... reala-tala-calaties be you givin' up and shit? In the here and now, what be down here ain't no planet. What y'all givin' up for the bitch? (Pause) I would give up the Moon, and shit, and I'll give away Ceres, and Proxima Centauri and all that shit, but down here on the planet Earth, I be givin' away my boats and shit. Burnin' that shit. Put it to ash. Put them ashes on the mantle. Up on my fireplace and shit. Ain't got no ashes of my daddy, my daddy be fleein' me when I was a baby and shit. Ain't no black man can raise a baby, they all flee. So I ain't got my daddy's ashes. That ain't where he is. Y'all be my daddy for all I know. Shit. Man, I be waxin' off again! You ever just wax off like that? Shit. Once you start, ya just can't stop. 'Til you pop. Fuckin' bullshit.
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: Anyway dog, I be takin' up all the air time- The word time, dawg, you gots ta lay it down for me, what y'all givin' up for Jackie? I'll be shuttin' up now, I'll be shuttin' up now, y'all see your piece, y'all be righteous.
Chris: Alright, the uh, the rea- In the reality...
Lars: Right, dog.
Chris: I'd be giving up my... video game time.

The PS Triple Investment (34:25 - 48:15)

Lars: Oh, y'all be gettin' rid a them vidya games and shit. Eh?
Chris: Yeah I got rid of the, I got rid of a lot of video games I've been hoarding over the years.
Lars: That PS Triple an' shit? Damn. Shit be like 800 dollars and shit, right? Shit be like a money sink. I feel ya dog, be good you be gettin' ridda that shit. How much 'fetti you get for that shit? Y'sell that shit off. yeah?
Chris: (stressful pause) No, I have not, no- I have not sold my... PlayStation 3. And it ha- and I have invested a lot into it. Ever since I had it.
Lars: Invested and shit? Y'all be like playin' stocks and shit? What y'all talkin' 'bout, "investin'"?
Chris: Yeah, it's just, you know... I downloaded a lot of stuff. On to it.
Lars: Yo, dog, I be downloadin' a lotta boats and shit, too. Ain't see me keepin' no boats around, I be burnin' all my boats. Ain't no investment, be a curse and shit. Like a black hole. That be one a them astronomical things. Think Pluto gonna turn into a black hole 'cause it pissed off about bein' a dwarf planet. Pluto be like, like a giant boat. Filled with (?) paint kits and shit. All that money.
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: So y'all be givin' up them vidya games. Whoa-whoa-wait, wait, nigga. Nigga, nigga, nigga, my nigga.
Chris: Yeah-
Lars: Y'all say you givin' up them vidya games, but y'all got no- Y'all got the PS Triple and shit, still.
Chris: Yeah that's another thing, I-
Lars: I be confuzzled.
Chris: That's another thing that, uh, kinda ticks me- It kinda ticks me off a bit, uh, I do not- I do not like it when... When uh, when the trolls, have been- You know, they pretty much seem to have started the trend of calling the PlayStation 3 a... "PS Triple". And I just do not- I just- That just rubs me the wrong way, man.
Lars: Shit, dog. Why y'all ain't like that and shit? Just be a box fulla toys and shit, why y'all be defendin' the name and shit? I mean I feel ya, wantin' to defend the name, defend the honor, defend the honor of a honest woman and shit? Man, I be all up on that shit. Wanna be up that poon tang, you gotta be defendin' that honor and shit. Man, like my bitch, little Cubby, he be sayin' "Bitch, yo bitch be all bitch and shit."
Chris: Yeah, I hear ya.
Lars: I be like, "I'm a pop yo ass."
Chris: Yeah, I be standin'- I be standin' up for... I be standin' up for my woman too, you know, I defendin' her from any- from anybody that comes upon her. Yeah, look-
Lars: So y'all be defendin' your PS Triple like it be a woman and shit? I be confuzzled and shit.
Chris: The PS... The PS Triple no woman, it just, it's just a... dang material possession. And the- and, and uh, and Jackie being the wonderful woman she is, and the wonderful person, very s- best person there is, you know... She's a lot more important than a dang ol' video game console. (Pause) But still, you know, after I invested a whole lot in there over the- over that- over that... my time I had it, it's like you know, I ain't gonna get that back and I'm certainly not gonna be able to get [indecipherable] for it. Face value.
Lars: Ain't y'all gonna get Jackie and shit though? Ain't Jackie be worth more than a PS Triple and shit? Jackie cook a mean steak dinner and shit. All the fixins. Throw some grits on there. Some Starburst. Little grape soda on the side. Mmm-mmm-mmm!
Chris: Yep. I tell ya, If I can't, uh, If I can't sell my PS Triple, I tell ya something else, I tell you, another thing I would definitely get rid of for Jackie, I'd get rid of a whole bunch of the, uh... Transformers I got.
Lars: Why can't y'all get ridda that PS Triple though, dog? I- I ain't be feelin' it, I ain't be understandin' and shit. Y'all got my mind twisted and turned, with these phrases. I know y'all ain't mean it and shit, but I ain't be feelin' it. I need y'all help, dog. I be slow and shit, I ain't be figuring it out. Why ain't y'all give up that PS Triple and shit, dog? Worked hook, line and sinker with my boats.
Chris: I downl- Listen, I downloaded over 4000 dollars worth of content and... at face value it's not gonna get me back 4000 dollars.
Lars: Shiiit, dog! Ain't about the money and shit. Shit be about gettin' rid of addictions and shit. Y'know I how much I drop on boats and shit? Forty-five thousand dollars! I got like, six credit cards for that shit. Y'know how hard it is for a black man to get one credit card, I got six! Six, nigga. That's how dedicated I was to them fuckin' boats. That's how- them boats was my life, nigga. Them boats was my life! Sheeit. But I burned them boats, ain't get no money for that shit. That money be gone, nigga. I got debts to pay off and shit. But I be an honest nigga now. I ain't lettin' no addiction control me. Why you ain't get rid a that PS Triple? I be feelin' Jackie, like, that's what she want.
Chris: I- I- I- Lemme just- Just let me talk, here.
Lars: Y'all go ahead, dog. I'm listenin'.
Chris: Alright. Listen, I do not, I would not need to sell the console in order for me to not spend any more. I just- will just swear upon- Upon my Aunt Corrina's grave. On that, and uh, my fam- On the life of myself and my mom and my dad. Everybody in my family. And I will just not- I will not spend... Any- I will just not spend any more- [Audio gets fucked up here while Chris continues lying] -downloading for the P-
Lars: A'ight, I hear ya.
Chris: [Audio still messed up]
Lars: Ain't Jackie ask you to do that a while ago and shit? Ain't Jackie ask you to not spend on that a while ago, ain't that what she said? That what she be tellin' me. Ain't y'all still be spendin' and shit though?
Chris: [Pause] I-
Lars: Yo dog, as a nigga that seen the worst of addictions, I gotta level wit' you, bro. Just ain't work that way, dog. Sheeeeeeit. Y'all go ahead, dog, y'all go ahead.
Chris: Look, I mean, it just- it just had to be, uh... one that I would have- I would have to able- I just would have to be able to show it to her in person, you know. I treat- I treat her right. I would treat her right in person, and I would not be th- My money would be going all to- All towards her, and... Not on anything new that goes on the, uh, PS Triple.
Lars: So you ain't been buyin' games for, like... How long, Jackie ask you that shit like... Months ago, and shit, right? You ain't been buying no games for all that time?
Chris: (Pause) I ain't been- I ain't buying no game for about a month. Buying no new games.
Lars: "About a month"?
Chris: Ain't gonna... Yeah.
Lars: This... This be any games and shit, this be just that... That, what the fuck, Jackie- (Yells at Jackie) Yo bitch, what you call that? That... "PSN" shit? Fuckin'... what that stand for, "PS Nigga" and shit? Sheeeit. Gonna be a lawsuit up there at Sony, with this bitch. Y'all be spendin' money just on that? You don't be buying games at the... Costco and shit? Buyin' them hard copies? (Pause) Don't lie to me, dog, don't lie to me.
Chris: A bunch- a bunch-
Lars: Dog, you be my nigga an' shit? You be my nigga?
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: You be my nigga an' shit, don't be lyin' to me. Bros before hos, dog. We be tight, dog.
Chris: Yeah, I-
Lars: You be feelin', I be touchin'.
Chris: Yeah, I ain't lyin'- I ain't lyin' to you. It's essentially, you know, the stuff I download from the PSN, there's no... uh, it- And the "N", by the way, it stands for "Network", "PlayStation Network".
Lars: A'ight.
Chris: But anyway, it's stuff that mostly- Stuff, mostly stuff that you just cannot f- You just cannot get on hard copy. There's no hard copy for mosta the stuff they got on there.
Lars: But y'all still be buyin' shit. Y'all still be buyin' games on PSN.
Chris: (Pause) Yeah, y- Yeah, but, yeah it's like, uh- It's like, uh, world wide web, it's like, Internet thing, it's like... Alright. You- You know of iTunes, right?
Lars: "Internet"? Like the white folks' street corner and shit, yo dog I feel you. iTunes and shit.
Chris: Yeah, iTunes, it-
Lars: Be more like "WhiteTunes", with all that white color.
Chris: Yeah, iTunes or Rhapsody or Napster. Well, point is, you know, it's... It's uh, you know-
Lars: So y'all be spendin' money and shit on this PSN.
Chris: [pause] Yeah.
Lars: But ain't Jackie not want you to be doin' that shit though?
Chris: Yeah, I will- And I promise her that I would not do that, and I have not been... doing that. (Pause) For about a month now.
Lars: Bitch be tellin' me she up on that PS Nigga, she be lookin' at y'all... Y'all Facebook on that nigga. Shit, I ain't know. I ain't know this Internet shit. Internet be like space, ain't no nigga gonna up on that Internet neither. Fuckin' Man keepin' us down. Anyway... sheeit. Bitch be tellin' me she all up on that PS Nigga and she check your... Your trophies, and your accolades, and shit. Nigga be gettin' all new trophies for new games and shit, all through the month.
Chris: Actually those were new trophies for games I had already- I already owned.
Lars: So y'all be... Y'all be havin' game you ain't played for months, but you still buyin' shit? I feel that, I feel that, I was like that with my boats and shit, I be buyin' boats... I ain't even take 'em in the tub for... six months and shit. Nigga like his bubble bath with boats, no? Some times I have my favorite boats, sometimes I have my less favorite boats, sometimes I have my not favorite boats at all, nigga. I ain't even like them boats. So you and me, we be in the same boat and shit, y'feel me? Sheeeeeeeeeeit. Dawg, we be tight and shit. Y'all be up in my grill and shit. Y'all be... up in my 'fetti. (Awkward Pause)
Chris: I hear that.
Lars: A'ight, a'ight, a'ight, a'ight, a'ight, let me ax you then.
Chris: Uh-huh.
Lars: So Jackie, she be all bitchin' at you, she be all like, "Chris, I know you ain't be buyin' no boats, and... PSN nigga boats, and... PS Nigga games", and... she ain't want you buyin' none a that shit. A'ight? But then you go... you still gonna be playin' this shit. Yo bitch be all like, ain't want you, ain't want you playin' wit' yo boats and shit, yo PS boats. Shit be all addictive and shit, ya feel?
Chris: [pause] Yeah... You have to forgive me for... things there, you kinda talk a little fast, and I'm just tryin' to- Just wanna make sure I'm able to understand you.
Lars: A'ight, dog, a'ight. You take your time and shit.
Chris: Yeah but, we cool.
Lars: Brovaries before ovaries, and shit. We cool. You take your time.
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: You take your sweet time. [pause]
Chris: Yeah bu-
Lars: So what y'all thinka that? You need a clarification, and shit? A bifurcation? Y'all got, y'all be feelin' me, y'all be feelin my question.
Chris: Yeah. Uh-
Lars: So what y'all...
Chris: Uh, I'm not really sure what the question is, though.
Lars: A'ight, a'ight, I be, I'll be rephrasin' with the past parsable and shit. So my bitch Jackie, she be all like, "Chris, I ain't want you plain' none a them games, now." You be gettin' games up on that PS Nigga. You be playin' them games all day and night. Sheeeeit, addiction be all "spiral of doom" and shit. Ain't about just the money. It's about the tiiiime, nigga. 'Bout the effort, nigga. All that time an effort, go in to the volunteerin' and shit. Work at the hospital. Be a fuckin' hospice nurse and shit.
Chris: Oh-
Lars: I did that shit for nine months. Fuckin' made me a new man and shit. Watch a buncha old white people die?Sheeeeit. Ain't nothing feel better than that. All them old slave-owners and sharecroppers be droppin' like flies, and here Lars be. Lars McNulty. Sheeeit. That shit feel good, nigga.
Chris: Yeah, by the way-
Lars: Watchin' white people die.
Chris: It's like, you're asking me, you're- you're asking me, uh, why I be spending all my extra time playing video games instead of like, you know, goin' out, uh... to volunteer work or some- shi- or stuff like that.
Lars: True dat, dog, true dat. You be feelin' me.
Chris: Yeah, I be feeling ya. Uh, but mostly, but mostly, uh, on the one point, it's like, I would not know where to look. And plus, you know, goin' out for a job, after all the, uh, after them trolls been weighing me down since November 2007, smearin' my name in the... [Audio cuts out while Chris continues whining]

Fuck Tha Police (48:15 - 57:30)

Lars: Sheeeeit. A'ight, a'ight, I feel ya. But, y'all know, dog, y'all know them background check and shit, just be for criminal shit. Now I know all about the criminality. I be a black man, I had a record since I was 8. Sheeit. Try'd to rob Starbucks with a fake gun. Nigga, y'all ever rob Starbucks, you best bring a real gun, nigga. Go whole hog on that shit. Ridin' that pagan justice into town and shit. Fuck. You spend any time in the joint, nigga?
Chris: I ain't spent no time in no joint, man.
Lars: Y'all be lucky and shit, dog. No, no, y'all ain't be lucky and shit, y'all be white. That's what that shit is. A black man be like... turn 18, he go do two and a half in fuckin' C Block and shit.
Chris: Yeah, I-
Lars: Taste a lotta maple syrup in that time. Anyway dog, I be- What I be sayin' to you and shit, that background check, they ain't gonna see no... No white niggas on the Internet makin' fun a your... Your Pokémon fanfiction and shit. Y'all feelin' me?
Chris: Yeahhh, it- I feel you but-
Lars: They ain't be holdin' that against you.
Chris: Yeah but they have a lot more than just the, making fun of the, uh... Pokémon fanfiction. They got a lot more than that, I mean they claim- I mean they claim me... They- They mis- The trolls, they be throwin' around those bad labels on me, like... a pedophile.
Lars: Nigga y'all be- Y'all be missin' my point though. Nigga, you ain't spend no time up in the joint. Your background check should be golden shit. Y'all ain't got no problems and shit.
Chris: Yeah, but th- Yeah. But also, th- I do have po- I do have a police record on file, uh, for... Couple- For...
Lars: Oh, word?
Chris: Couple of offenses... Yeah, I had a couple of police records on file-
Lars: You be fightin' The Man and shit? Sheeeeeit, tell me all about it, dog, what you be doin'?
Chris: Uh...
Lars: You be takin' down po-po? Fuckin' 5-0 and shit? What you got? I'll swap stories with you, and shit. You go first, though.
Chris: It be essentially, uh, just... Havin' a bad time and disagreements and what-not. With th- With this, uh- With this... dude, down over at The GAMe- Over at The GAMe and HOBBY PLACe. He just be havin' his own gripe against me, and lookin' for a way- Lookin' for an excuse to ban me from his store, and then, and then... Then he did, so he banned me from the store, he... But he never wanted me to come back, and then I come back like about a year later askin' him- askin' if I can come back and he don't let me come back and... So I leave and then I come back next year and then, uh... Same thing again except worse, he act- he actually gives me- actually puts um... Officially on police record! Don't want- He don't want me... Trespassing on th- He don't want me, y'know, um, being anywhere near that place.
Lars: A'ight, dog, I feel that.
Chris: He just- He just be all, afraid of me and shit like that. And plus also, I have like, uh, I've had like, uh, past- Past accusations of quote-unquote "soliciting", when I was out in my early days of my Sweetheart Search lookin' for- Lookin' for a woman of my own, be usin' a sign, like you know, I be like... "Current age year-old man, seek- lookin' for an 18-to-current-age-year-old woman! Be my sweetheart and junk!" And they be- They misinterpret that, they be thinkin' I be lookin' just for the- Just for the booty call! But no, I ain't lookin' just for the booty call, I'm lookin' for the long run, the emotional attachments and everythaaang! They just misinterp- They just misunderstand me, and they handcuff me and everythang, they came- They handcuff me a couple a times, they drag me around, and they even dogpile on me one time, rub my head on the carpet, I be bleedin' out- I been bleedin' out left side of my forehead that day! Put me in the dang- Put me in the dang cop car and I get offended by the ambulaaaance, where they see that blood stain... Blood-soaked stain! Heaaaad wouuund, from that carpet burn on the left side of my forehead there!
Lars: A'ight, nigga, a'ight, nigga. You get down wit' y'all bad self. Sheeeeit. Badass, you be stickin' it to 5-0 and shit! Tresspassin' and shit. I see, I feel ya, I smell ya, dog. Y'all be tresspassin', be shootin' it off to them white niggas. Shiiit. So y'all be tresspassin' on this here nigga's property to be stickin' it to that man and shit. That be what I feelin'? That be what you doin', dig?
Chris: [pause] Yeeeeeah.
Lars: A'ight, a'ight, so you-
Chris: You be feelin' me, dog.
Lars: So you all go tresspassin' and shit, you know you ain't welcome and shit.
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: Y'all be like, "Fuck dat shit, I own that store! I'm a go stick that place up and shit! I'm a fuckin' bust a cap in his ass!" Y'all be like, "I ain't gives no fuck about right and wrong and shit!" Nigga in the city, dog. Niggas wonder why.
Chris: Yeah, I be poppin- Yeah I be poppin' a- I'd be poppin' a cap in that- In that old- In that old Michael Snyder ass, I tell you what. It's like, if and I had me, if I had me a real life gun but I don't have a real life gun, though like you know, all I got is my, uh... All I got is my slow-mind wit, and uh, not mu- Not much else going on there. So it's like I don't really have much of an offense, as much as a defense, dog. And I, but-
Lars: Lemme ax you-
Chris: The only option there is just to split.
Lars: Let me ax you, dog-
Chris: 'Til another thing, until I can actually go on the offense.
Lars: Let me ax you, dog. So you gonna take some nigga, and you gonna say like, "Bitch, this nigga be goin' down and shit." And you pick this, you pick this nigga, this nigga at this... This game store and shit. Why you pick this nigga to pick a fight with and shit?
Chris: He- He- He picked-
Lars: What about this nigga?
Chris: He picked a fight with me first, he just had his own griefs, he just had his own griefs, his own gripes and scares against me. He be thinkin' I be like... He be thinkin' like y'know, I know... He be havin' his own weird accusations against me, probably thinkin' that I w- He probably... Damn troll niggers who... Who damn throw the label of pedophile on me and damn ol' buncha shit offa him. He be throwin' all them labels on me and just lookin' for a damn excuse to kick me out of that store and ban me forever and the he- And then... And then he did find a damn excuse and it damn happened and they called tresspassin' and everthiiing.
Lars: So y'all, y'all be goin' on property when you know you ain't- It be someone elses property and shit, and you be like, "Fuck that, I ain't give a shit about right and wrong! I ain't give a shit about what someone else wants! I ain't give a shit about no other nigga's property, and personal reliability, and safe-ety.
Chris: Yeah besides which-
Lars: And personal responsibility.
Chris: Yeah besides which that- That ain't really his store, he's just rentin' on- He's just rentin' on that location! They just been rentin' there for a long time! It ain't really his-
Lars: So he be payin' his rent and shit. So it be his store and shit, then. You be all like, "Fuck dat shit, I ain't give a shit 'bout no other nigga's property. I'm a take what I want and fuck all y'all niggas." Shit, dog, I be feelin' that. That be my gangsta life, in my teenage years, back when I be eight and shit. I be all like goin' up in the stores, and be like "What, nigga? What, you gonna kick me out cuz I stealin' shit? Cuz I be yellin' at people? Cuz I be screamin' my head off? Sheeeit. Fuck that shit, nigga! I do what I want!" Be some Maury Povich up in here and shit. I feel ya, dog. You ain't gives no fucks.
Chris: (Pause) Yeeeah.
Lars: Yeah. Fuck that shit! Ain't give no shit if that be his store and what-not.
Chris: Yeeeah.
Lars: Yo dog, so you say you have a weakness with the offense, but you be good with the defense and shit.
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: So let me ax you, some nigga come up in yo house and shit, and be all like, "Dude I wanna come up in here and shit." And y'all be like, "Shit, nigga. This be my house and shit, y'all ain't comin' up in here without no invitation and shit." And he be like, "Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit, nigga! I do what I want, I'm a call up on y'all house!" What ya'll gonna do? Some nigga come up in yo business.
Chris: I ain't got no gun, I'll beat his ass, I'm pretty str- I'm very strong. I'd give him an ol' CLOP! CLOP! HIYA!
Lars: Sheeeit, dog, I feel that.
Chris: If that be the case... But I'd make sure that I be cool, dog, y'know, I'd make sure I started that, like y'know, he'd throw the first punch, and if he throw the first punch and I- Then I de-fennnnd, and I throw- And then I throw- Then I would punch back in defense!
Lars: Then y'all be throwin' a trespassin' notice and shit on him. Ain't that the truth, nigga. Ain't y'all be, y'all be saltin' the wounds and shit. Puttin' a criminality record upon this nigga. Ain't that what y'all gon' do, dog. Sheeeit. Now I ain't never filed no trespassin' notice on any nigga what started shit with me. See I be a black man and shit, so the police, if you ever call the police when you a black man? They come and shoot your ass. They ain't givin' no fucks. You be white and shit. You can use the system against the system and shit. Y'all see what I mean and shit?
Chris: Yeeeah. I hear ya.
Lars: Yeah. Say yeah.
Chris: Whole buncha damn- Whole buncha the damn racism that they been got goin' on, but I ain't like that. I be respec- I have respect for my black man. And I have respect for you, man, 'cause we cool.

One Big Gray Nigga (57:30 - 1:04:30)

Lars: Y'all be feelin' me, y'all my nigga and shit, dog. Sheeeeit. Nigga be Prime Time up in here, dog. Shit. Fuck. Damn!
Chris: Yeah, and in fact I enjoy- I the, uh, comedies- I enjoy the TV shows I get from the... From the black man, including The Jeffersons, and... Bill Cosby, and... Sanford and Son, all a' them. All them-
Lars: Sanford and Son???! Bitch, I know you ain't bring up Sanford and Son, fuckin' sharecropper shit. Goddamn Uncle Tom and shit. Sheeeit. Traitor to his race and shit, dog. All that spoon jockey [?] shit, blackface... Bamboozled and shit.
Chris: I-
Lars: All I see is sleepin' (?), that's what all that shit be. Fuck that shit, stereotypin' a nigga in a bad light and shit.
Chris: Well, man I-
Lars: Us niggas, we already got our trouble with the bad light and shit, 'cause we be all dark and shit. Ain't no light what can shine a good light on our dark skin and shit. Then you got the TV shows. Then you got the H-B-O and shit. Fuckin' shit.
Chris: Yeah well man, I don't mean, I- Yeah I don't mean to jump no jive, man, I just be givin' a few examples of some of the shows I see. But I watch- I watch other shows too, where they- where they make GOOD examples of the- Of the black man and the black woman.
Lars: Four hundred years, dog.
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: Four hundred years of opression.
Chris: Yeah I-
Lars: Yo dog, know what I'm doin'? I'm holdin' up my fist in solidarity. Yo, nigga, hold up you fist for me.
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: You holdin' up yo fist, dog? Hope y'all ain't smilin' and shit.
Chris: Yeah I'm holdin' up my fist, man.
Lars: Y'all ain't be smilin' and shit, right?
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: Niggas, we can't be smilin'. That takes away... the gravitas of what we can do. See-
Chris: Yeah, I be holdin'- I be holdin' up my f- I be holdin' up my fist in respect, dog. I-
Lars: Yo, dog. Yo, dog, I feel you.
Chris: Yeah, I hold it in respect.
Lars: A'ight.
Chris: We cool.
Lars: Yo dog, where all this shit come from? We be bulin' our- our velocity toward ferocity and toward audacity of hope and change and chope and shit. Fuckin' Big Bama's House up in here. A black nigga and a white nigga be mixin' and matchin', make ourselves one big gray nigga and shit. See what I doin', dog?
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: Fuckin' bridgin' the gaps of... Of inequality, and ine- inequity, and... ine-quali-equity, and shit. Damn.
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: Yo, dog, this shit be all about Jackie and shit, though, dog. Jackie be all like, glarin' daggers at me and shit. I be like, "Bitch, only daggers I wanna see from you are those two daggers on yo' chest and shit, now take off your top while you be makin' me my steak dinner!" Bitch be all like, "Sheeeit, I burned myself last time I do that, nigga. Y'all want burn scars on this body?" I be like "Hell no, dog, you already got that C-section scar from where I aborted that baby!" Sheeeit, bitch all scarred up and used up already. So let's get back to Jackie and shit. Now, Jackie ain't be happy wit' y'all and shit. And Jackie ain't sure if she be happy wit' me and shit. So we gots to figure out, and numerate, and enunciate exactly why the posivericating is happenin' with this shit. Why the bitch be mad at you, and why the bitch be mad at me? We figure this out, dog, we figure this out, nigga. Brovaries before ovaries, dawg, you feelin'?
Chris: Yeah, I feel ya.
Lars: So, bitch be all, like, you be lyin' to her and shit. And I feel that. I feel why she pissed about that shit. And as a advice, and... cautionary to you: Y'all ain't be lyin' to no bitch. Y'all can smack a bitch, y'all can punt a bitch, y'all be like "Bitch, I ain't doin' that shit" all up in her face and shit, but y'all ain't be lyin' to a bitch. 'Cause then the shit roll downhill. Shit be like a Hydra and shit, you cut one head off that bitch, two head grow back, you be lyin' to her. They catch you on that shit, they always do, nigga. Indeed! Sheeeeit.
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: So, bitch be mad cuz you be lyin' to her. And bitch be mad cuz you ain't gettin' rid a that addiction and shit, y'all feelin' me?
Chris: Yeah I feel ya, I tell you what, I- I'll make it right, I will make this right with Jackie, I tell you what, you tell her this from me too and I- and I'll promise it to you too, man, cuz we cool. I'll draw a parade for Alec, and I'll make it like, you know, he was found innocent, like she wanted. I'll fix the pages and do it right for her.
Lars: Sheeeit.
Chris: I'll take care of that like, you know, within- within the next few days, and vid- and it'll be up, all colored and everything, be uploaded.
Lars: Well shit, dog.
Chris: I'll take care of that for her.
Lars: Well shit, dog, shit, see now in the interest of camaraderie, and... niggaraderie, and all that shit. In the interest of all that shit, this gray nigga we be buildin', I gots to be honest wit' you.
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: Also, in the interest of not bein' hypocrital, and hippocratical, I ain't takin' no Hippiocratical Oath and shit. Because I be tellin' you not to be lyin' to no bitches, so I ain't can't be lyin' to you and shit. Y'all fell me, dog? I gots to be honest wit' you.
Chris: I feel you. Yeah.
Lars: A'ight, a'ight, so, in the interest of honesty and total veracity, I must tell you that I am not a neutral party and shit. See, I burned my boats and shit 'cause I want Jackie back, dog. See? Bitch be all like, all up slobberin' on my dick and balls now, shit. Damn! See, I ain't be finna' gettin' ridda' my bitch, and shit. She be all like, ridin' my dick. She be all like, givin' me the oral play and shit. Fuckin' tongue action, finger play, y'all know that shit, sheeeeit. And the bitch be makin' me my steak dinner, 'cause I burned them boats. So, I ain't finna' be gettin' ridda' this bitch. I got a good bitch goin' here, y'all feel me?
Chris: Yeah I feel you.
Lars: So y'all might wanna try winnin' Jackie back. I wish y'all best luck in the world. Cuz see, a'ight, honestly, veracitously, I gots to admit to you, I do think, yo, we are bros, but we still be competin', you dig?
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: And I do feel like I have the advantage on you. Cuz my dick be all four inches a straight goodness and shit. Fuckin' straight as a ramrod and shit! That's what call me in high school when I be ramroddin' bitches, they call me "Ramrod". Better than "nigger". Better than "Nigger Jim," that's what that shit they be callin' me, I be like "My name ain't Jim! Call me "Nigga Lars" and shit!" "Nigga Lars"? That shit fine. "Nigga McNulty"? That shit be fine too, but they call me "Nigger Jim"! Who da fuck this "Nigga Jim" be? I ain't know... sheeeit.
Chris: That's- I tell ya, that's cool man, I praise you for being able to bang all them hos back in the high school days, I tell you what, I was naïve on the dating subject back in high school, I didn't even think about it, I mean I shoulda ask w- I shoulda asked a woman, I shoulda banged my own share of hos back in the day, but I didn't dawwwg, I just did not think of it! I was really slow, and I ev- and I even had a girl- I even had a girl crush back then. But then she done left me, she was out da- she was out dating with somebody else behind my back, I didn't even know about it. But she and I, we were tight!

The Trail of Tears (1:04:30 - 107:50)

Lars: Shee-iiiiiiiiiiiiiit, dog! So what y'all gonna do to win Jackie heart back and shit? Y'all gonna burn that PS Triple and shit. See, see I'ma feelin' that, because that seem like, like the equalizer, and the numerizer and shit, that you all be pullin' to one-up my burnin' my boats and shit. See I be burnin' my addiction, y'all gots to burn your addiction too. Y'all ain't gots to do it literally. I know white people be afraid of fire and shit, I know white people fear fire. See us black folk, we like fire, 'cause we all be like livin' tribal in the Unga Bungas, in Africa and shit. We be usin' fire to keep tigers away and shit! Tigers, man, damn. Tigers be racists and shit.
Chris: Well I feel you, man. I'm part Cherokee.
Lars: So, y'all got- Oh, dog, y'all part Cherokee? Y'all be part a them-
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: Them red niggas and shit? Sheeeit, I feel that, dog, I ain't know that about you. Sheeeeeit.
Chris: Yeah, Trail of Tears is in my history.
Lars: [talking over Chris] What casino you from?
Chris: Uh... I'm sorry, I didn't understand that.
Lars: Shit, all them Red Niggas, they be up in them casinos and shit. Ain't that right, dog? What casino you from? From that casino tribe-
Chris: Yeah sound like a-
Lars: From the Blackjack tribe? Whitejack tribe? The... Poker tribe? The Hold 'Em tribe? You from them-
Chris: That just-
Lars: Ain't got no tribes, y'all feelin' what I'm gettin' at.
Chris: Yeah I fe- Yeah I feel you, man, that's a- That's just a dang old stereotype, I'm not like one- I am not a Casino Ownah. I ain't no rich man. I mean, I di- I mean-
Lars: Y'all be unemployed and shit.
Chris: Yeah, that-
Lars: Y'all ain't be no Casino Nigga and shit.
Chris: Yeah I ain't no Casi- I- I ain't no Casino Nigga. I mean, we be-
Lars: See-
Chris: Yeah, my background, we be of the real- We be of the real Cherokee. From the Trail of Tears and all that. That's from my history.
Lars: See dog, this be a perfect example of the injustice and inservitude and ingratuity of American history and shit.
Chris: Yep.
Lars: See, the red niggas, they be all like, the casino niggas and shit. And then, you come along, and you ain't be... You ain't be havin' no job in no casino, you ain't be havin' no job and shit. You all just be, sittin' on your couch and shit, jobless. And that totally defies the stereotype of the common red nigga, see? So them sterotypes, they be bullshit, 'cause everyone knows your red niggas, they all be hard-workin' and sober and shit. Ain't no stereotypes say otherwise. I hear there is, I'll eat my hat I tell you what. Sheeeeit. Fuck. Anyway, dog, where we at- I be waxin philosophimorical again. Sheeit. We be talkin 'bout- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, dog, it comin' back to me. What y'all gonna be doin' to win Jackie, y'all gonna be metaphorically burnin' your PS Triple and shit. That be right, dog? Is that what y'all gonna do? I be wishin you luck, dog, I be wishin' you luck. I be wishin' you luck and shit, man. Y'know, I'll be ramroddin' Jackie every night and every day, but I respect you, like my nigga. You're my bro and shit. And I want you to get what you deserve and shit. You feelin' me?
Chris: Yeah. I feel ya.
Lars: So y'all gonna be gettin' rid a that PS Triple and shit. [long pause]

A Tale of Two PS Triples (1:07:50 - 1:17:45)

Chris: Yeah my mind be slow and I be uncertain of... everything here. And I definitely... I definitely feel ya and I'm not gonna say that I'm better than you, I'm not gonna say no- I'm not gonna say that. I mean you be- I mean you are- You be a big man, you burned all your boats, dog. I tell you what. But I mean- I spend my mo- I spend my money, I ain't gonna get that much back. I ain't gonna- I ain't gonna just kill it all by burning the dang PS3 because I already di- I pretty much essentially did that. By, uh... Like, pretty much dismantling the previous one I had, and then just running it over with my car, there be videos on the YouTube about that.
Lars: Yo, yo, dog, I saw that shit, you just- You destructicated your PS Triple, and then you get a new one back like a day later and shit. Why y'all go get a new PS Triple and shit, dog? Why destroy it in the first place?
Chris: I tried to destroy it, dog, because... Them tr- Because, them trolls, and Jackie knew about it as well, they be offering NINE THOUSAND dollars for footage of the destruction of that PS Triple. And my- And Jackie thought like, you know, I give them th- I give them the footage and the real deal- I give them the real deal footage and what-not, they give- They, the trolls, they- THE troll, he be givin' me back the- He be givin' me that money, I be buyin' me a new PS Triple, she be cool with that, but then it don't happen, he- He fall back on his word, he don't do it, even though there were plans of meetings and what-not, it didn't happen, there was no money! I was-
Lars: Where y'all get that money then? If there be no money, where y'all get that new PS Triple and shit?
Chris: Yeah that be from my-
Lars: I know all white folks be rich and shit, like at least moderately so and shit, but shiiit, you got that kinda cash around, you got that 'fetti? Where you get the money to buy that second PS Triple? That be like yo' Double PS Triple. Or yo' PS Double-Triple, if you will. Sheeeit. PS Triple-Double and shit. Where y'all get the money for that?
Chris: Yeah, that be where I sold the, uh, past- The older game consoles that I've hoarded over the years.
Lars: So y'all go and destroy yo' PS Triple... Then like a day later y'all go and sell like every other game you got... So you can buy back... A PS Triple? [pause] Shit ain't gangsta, dog, why you be doin' that?
Chris: It does a lot more than games, dog! Does movies, does music, does pictures! Does the Internet! I mean pretty much at this time, the only way that I'd be able to access my e-mail, and send and receive, from Jackie and everybody el- From everybody.
Lars: Why ain't y'all buy a new computer?
Chris: Because damn computer expensive. I mean if I had known that was gonna happen I-
Lars: PS Triple be expensive, dog!
Chris: If I had known that was gonna have happened... I mean it happened at months- It happened- Just happened a month before- A whole month before my computer decided to go and do what it did to me, and become practically unusable and considerably deaaaaad.
Lars: Yo dog, ain't y'all computer be all broken and shit for a long time, though? Ain't you know you need a replacement and shit?
Chris: No, because-
Lars: Jackie be tellin' me that she heard some... Some call where you talked to that Alec Benson Nigga guy. I don't know this guy. You talked to him, and he be askin' you why you ain't do somethin' with your computer. I ain't know what. Why you ain't interneting or somethin'. Us black folk, we ain't know this Internet. He ask you that, why you ain't doin' this, and you said your computer be busted and shit. You tell him the same thing you tell Jackie like a year later. Why you ain't replace the computer in all that time, though? Y'all know the computer be busted, but y'all go and buy a PS Triple.
Chris: Because the computer was working for me. It wasn't as busted as it was- As it had become a month later.
Lars: But y'all didn't think ahead and shit.
Chris: Yeah-
Lars: Y'all knew the computer was on its last legs and shit.
Chris: Yeah, my- Yeah, my bad, I did not think ahead. I thought things'd be cool, but then it turned out they weren't. It... Damn whole buncha twist of fate and everything. Be all up my ass.
Lars: Nigga, nigga, nigga, let me give you a metaphorical illusion, if I will, if I may, if you will.
Chris: It's cool.
Lars: Now, picture your computer like... Like a twenty-nine-year-old nigga and shit. A'ight, now your computer be like a twenty-nine-year-old nigga. You know what kinda life expectancy a twenty-nine-year-old have on the streets? Zero point zero-zero-zero-four percent, to the power of twelve, to the oneth power. That shit be low and shit. So your computer, in a metaphorical sense, be like a nigga who be facin' his be three-oh and shit. And that nigga gonna get capped and shit, dog! Sheeeeeit. Ain't gonna be no fake gun bringin' up in the Starbucks next time. Nigga gonna get capped. Streets be a lottery and shit, dog. So that computer, y'all know that computer be like a twenty-nine-year-old nigga. See, that computer be functionating and pre-vericating and shit. Just like that twenty-nine-year-old nigga be, in the prime of his life with them ripplin' muscles and shit. But a cap gonna come outta mid air, and shot yo' fuckin' computer in the back of the head when he in line at the Popeye's Chicken. And that be all she wrote, nigga. That be all she wrote. Ain't no Dr. Quinn gonna save this nigga up in here, I tell ya what. Sheeeeeit. So that computer be on its last life, and y'all, y'all know that even though it fuctionin' fine today, that computer get a cap in its ass tomorrow. God gonna fire a cap in that computer's ass. And y'all be knowin' that, but y'all ain't replacin' that, but then y'all PS Triple die, because you killed it. You be murderin' that PS Triple, you be murderin' it in cold blood, like, like it be a nigga what wronged you, what didn't pay you your drug money and shit. So you kill that PS Triple, and then you all go and buy a new PS Triple the next day. But you got your computer here, which need to be replaced, your computer which you use to talk to Jackie. But you can't talk to Jackie no more. You just play your games. Y'all be feelin' me, dog?
Chris: Yeah, I be feelin' ya.
Lars: So you see, dog, see Jackie be mad because y'all- Y'all be takin' playin' vidya games over talkin' to a real life woman. Sheeeit. I feel her pain and shit. I feel her commissary and commissaratin' and shit. Ain't no PS Triple what got no poontang, I tell ya what. Sheeeeeeeit. Damn! So why y'all... Why y'all pick a PS Triple, over my Jackie Triple? Why y'all be doin' that?
Chris: (Pause) Well... (Pause for stress) Now look, okay dog, I can- Uh... I will still be able to talk to Jacke through the email with the PS Triple, anyway... With the- AIM, uh... Anyway, I- Anyway, I be gettin' a new computer soon enough, and I be back to- I'll be able to talk to Jackie through AIM if, y'know, she'd be willing to.
Lars: But lemme ax you, dog. Now, your PS Triple be gone, and "soon enough" means, like, a day. But, your computer, you means of communication with Jackie and shit, that be gone, but "soon enough", that amount to like months and shit. That be like the whole trimester of a pregnancy what pass by and shit. Shit, I ain't even let this much time pass by before I evacuated that fetus in her belly. Sheeeeeeeit. That be a bigger decision than any PS Triple, I tell you what.
Chris: (Pause) Hmm...
Lars: Why y'all go and replace the PS Triple, even though Jackie don't want you to have that addiction?
Chris: (Pause) It's an addiction that I will be able to... get over easily enough... when I actually have the woman nearby me. Why-
Lars: Y'all be-
Chris: If I- Yeah, you know, I be havin' me- I'll be havin' the woman next to me, and I'd be treatin' her right, I'd be investing more time into her... Right next to me, instead of bein' over the Internet, because I ain't got no power over the Internet, really, Internet just don't work, I- I'm scared to go on the Internet, really, because of the damn trolls, it's real life and- It's real life or bust for me, dog.
Lars: But... But dog, okay, dog, I be feelin' that. Them Internets, they be a scary place and shit, especially for a nigga. Sheeeeit. Ain't no fourth dimension and shit up on that Internet what no nigga like myself gonna walk up into, you feelin' me? Sheeit. Shit like a minefield and shit. Damn, dog. But Jackie, see, Jackie, she be all like, "Chris, I know you know I want you gettin' rid a that PS Triple and shit. Shit be like a black hole of addiction and shit, suckin' up your life." And see, what I don't get is why y'all ain't gettin' rid a that PS Triple, because that shit is no good for you. And you gettin' rid a that shit, even if Jackie ain't exist and shit, even if Jackie ain't up on my dick and shit, then you get rid of that PS Triple... You a born-again man. You a new man for gettin' rid a that shit. See, I burned my boats and shit before I even called Jackie, because I knew even if Jackie be all rejectin' me and shit, I'd be a new man for gettin' ridda my addiction. I be a strong man and shit. Show me your strength, nigga. Y'all be feelin' me?
Chris: Yeah, I feel you.
Lars: Word, dawg. Sheeeeeeeeeeeeit.

Downtism (1:17:45 - 1:23:05)

Chris: Yeah... Uhh, alright listen, we be havin' a cool conversation, it's been good, um... Let me, uh, talk- Let me talk to Jackie for a little while.
Lars: Let's see if that bitch be around. (Pretends to walk around) Yo bitch! Bitch, where you be at?! Now hold on, dog. Sheeeeit, where that bitch at? Hold on... Checkin' the kitchen and shit. Fuck, meatloaf only half-done and shit. Bitch can't even make a meatloaf and shit and steak and shit at the same time? Damn. Used up bitch, poontang and shit. What the- oh, the fuck that smell be? Aw, fuck- Bitch, I told you not to go to that Taco Bell and shit no more! Shit ain't gangsta! Sheeeit. (Back to Chris) Bitch be all like, makin' number two and shit right now, she ain't comin' out for a whiiile, let me tell ya that shit.
Chris: Uh-ohhhh.
Lars: Sheeeit, dawg.
Chris: That be- I hear you.
Lars: See now dog, y'all got to feel my pain and shit. See y'all just be hearin' about it, I gots to smell it and shit. Damn!
Chris: Yeah, I hear ya- I get it, I- I can- I hear you, be all-
Lars: Y'all know how strong the sense of smell on a nigga is? Y'all be a white nigga and shit, I be a black nigga. See us wide nostrils, we smell like three times what you smell and shit. See, my nostrils, that be like my PS Triple because it's triple the smell power of your... Your thin, white nostrils. Shit.
Chris: Yeah well I hear you, dog, I know what- I know what crap smells like and how it comes out. (Clears throat) Excuse me.
Lars: So why y'all ain't gonna get rid a that PS Triple for Jackie and shit? That be, that be my... confuzzlation and shit. (Pause) See, dog, y'all be like... Lemme put it how I see it, and then I'll wait for yo' responsification. See, all I see, is y'all be saying that y'all ain't gettin' rid a that PS Triple 'til Jackie be by your side and shit. See y'all be wantin' Jackie to be like, watchin' you, and to be like, houndin' you, and to substitutionalize for that PS Triple and shit. But y'all ain't wanna be gettin' rid a that shit just for yo' own damn self. (Pause) You feelin' me?
Chris: Yeah, I feel you.
Lars: A'ight, dog. Righteous. Righteous and shit. See Jackie, Jackie be feelin' all hurt and shit 'cause y'all ain't wanna improve yourself. Y'all know how fleetin' life is and shit, nigga? Life be fleetin' and shit, even for a white nigga. White nigga can expect to live past 30. Black man can't, but a white man can.
Chris: Hmm. Yeah. (Pause)
Lars: So why y'all ain't improvin' yourself, dog? (Pause)
Chris: To be honest, I- I really- To be honest... I just don't know. (Pause) It's pretty much, you know, I had my- My mind is so slow, and... It be- I just be fear of change, and... It just hard- It's just hard for- It's just really hard for me and my... Mental- And my mental capacity to... To go through a whole bunch of change so quickly.
Lars: Ah, I see, cuz a that Downtism and shit.
Chris: No it-
Lars: I feel you, dog, I feel you.
Chris: Uh-
Lars: Sheeeeeit.
Chris: The- It- Not Down syndrome, autism.
Lars: Yeah, yeah, the Downtism. That be what I- Yeah. Shit. Anyway, dog, so what y'all sayin' is, ya got ya vidya games, and Jackie, she be like a woman, with the poontang and shit, and a meatloaf and steak dinner, and y'all be afraid of that. Y'all stick wit' your video games, cuz that all ain't makes you afraid like a woman do.
Chris: What- NO. I'm not- I am not afraid of a- I am not afraid of a woman.
Lars: Y'all be like, y'all ain't wanna give up PS Triple for a woman though. (Awkward pause)
Chris: (Chris grunts. It's safe to speculate that he has shit himself by this point.)
Lars: Sheeeeeeeeeeeeit.
Chris: (Sigh), lemme think. (Chris thinks for like 30 seconds)
Lars: Nigga you gruntin' or some shit. Shit, dog, y'all be at Taco Bell and shit too, like my Jackie?
Chris: Yeah. Umm... No, I- I did not go to Taco Bell today.
Lars: Shit, what you eat, dog?
Chris: I had- I had me a- I had me a fish fillet tonight.
Lars: Shit... ain't no nigga be eatin' no fish. Y'all know us niggas be afraid of water and shit. Why y'all be gruntin', dog? Shit not be settlin' in your stomach and shit?
Chris: (Pause) Hm. (Long pause) I'unno.

Remember Kenan & Kel? That was a fun show. (1:23:05 - 1:28:08)

Lars: So dog, a'ight, a'ight, let's get back, let's get back. Why y'all... Y'all say you ain't afraid of no woman, and y'all want a woman, but... But yo' actions, and even what you just say to me now, show that you want a vidya game more than a woman. I GUESS I feel that shit, y'know what- I lost my virginity at the age of ten and a half. And ever since then I be all up in the poon tang. I be like a poon hound and shit. See I ain't play no vidya games since like, Atari, and shit. Shit be old school.
Chris: Yeah-
Lars: Back then everything black and white, not just race politics, see? Y'feelin'?
Chris: Yeah. I feel you.
Lars: So you know, dog, my first time be scary and shit, I only make that bitch cum like two and a half times. See I be all performance anxiety and shit, but I got through it. Y'all gots to be a MAN and shit. Man up. Y'all gots- Y'all be a man? Or y'all be a boy. What y'all be? (Pause while Chris decides)
Chris: I be a man.
Lars: See dog, see what I'm feelin', and rightfully, righteously, rightatiously I should not be tellin' you this, because this hurts my chances and shit. But I will tell you in the interest of bros before hos, that if you got rid of that PS Triple, you got rid of it and you never buy another one, Jackie'd probably kick my black ass out the door and shit. You get rid a that PS Triple, I be out on the street, and Jackie be on your doorstep first thing tomorrow morning and shit. That's all the bitch talk about when she talk about you, is the PS Triple. "PS Triple this, PS Triple that." Well sometimes she talked about the lies and shit too, but mostly the PS Triple.
Chris: (Pause) Yeah... I hear ya, it's- It's a lot. Alright, well- Listen, it's a bit late, and uh... I wanna be gettin' me a good night's- I wanna be gettin' me a good night's sleep. Cuz, you know, gonna be another day tomorrow.
Lars: A'ight, dog, a'ight, I feel you. Yo, yo, dog, yo dog. You know what I'm doin' right now? Now what I'm doin'?
Chris: What?
Lars: Holdin' up my fist, dog. Solidarity! Peace, dog.
Chris: Yeah. Alright.
Lars: Sheeeit. So y'all got your vidya games, Jackie- She be all up in that toilet, like another hour or two, shit... I'll tell her to wipe her ass and them come jump on my dick and shit. I'll be like all up in that poontang. Yo, I'll write you an email and shit, tell you all about that poon tang. And you write me an email tellin' me about y'all video games, that way we can exchange and learn from each other's culture, see 'cause I- I be like with a woman and shit, and I can tell you what that be like. And you be playin' vidya games, which I ain't familiar with, and then tell me what it be like to just be playin' video games in your room all day.
Chris: (Pause, not getting it) Hm.
Lars: See, we each have our different priorities. See, you want your video games and I want Jackie. I wanna be with Jackie. See dog- Dawg, dawg, dawg, now... I'll let you go soon, I'll let you go soon, cuz I know you tired and shit. I know white people like to go to bed before midnight. But let me ax you something, one more question real quick. I be your nigga and shit, you be my nigga. Y'all be honest and straightforward with me. Now-
Chris: I be honest and straightforward.
Lars: A'ight, a'ight, now y'all be sayin' to Jackie that you want Jackie and shit. Y'all be sayin' to everyone out there that you want Jackie.
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: More than anything. But the situation-
Chris: Yeah, I want Jackie more than anything.
Lars: The situation be like, you ain't givin' up no vidya games for her. Y'all just want your vidya game. So you can tell me, bro. Tell me, my nigga... Y'all really want Jackie or not? Or do y'all want your vidya games more than you actually want Jackie, if you want Jackie? You can be honest with me now-
Chris: I want Jackie- I want Jackie and I want to be able to keep my video games.
Lars: Sheeeeit, dog, that ain't always an option. Can't have your cake and eat it too. Or as we say in nigga culture, "Can't have your grape soda and drink it too." Cuz see, black people don't eat cake. It's that devil food, it-
Chris: Yeah, I like- I like orange soda.
Lars: Yeah, yeah, yeah, orange soda. That be what white people drink.
Chris: You remember Kenan & Kel? That was a funny sh- That was a fun show.
Lars: Who the fuck Kenan & Kel? That the nigga that owe me money? You tell that fuckin' nigga to give me my fifteen dolla'! You see that nigga? Sheeeit, fake nigga if ever there was one. Damn.
Chris: No, I- I'm talking about the show that was on Nickelodeon.
Lars: Nickel-lo... What the fuck do that be? That be one of them nickel and dime theaters from the 1920s and shit? Fuckin' flappers and shit, women with short hair? Sheeeeeeit.
Chris: Yea- Alright, well I'll let you- Alright, well I'll let you go, it's been- It's been cool hangin' with ya. You my nigga- (Lars talks over Chris)
Lars: A'ight, dog, I'll talk to you soon. I'll talk to you soon, I'ma go fuck Jackie now. I'll talk to you soon, dog, we'll be in touch and shit. Nice meetin' you and shit.
Chris: Okay. Yeah, alright.
Lars: Goodnight, dawg.
Chris: Goodnight.

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References

⇐ Jackie Chat 9

Jackie Chats

Final ⇒

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