Mumble 6

Mumble 6 is the sixth of the Mumble chats involving Chris, held on 10 February 2009.

Length: 1:57:53

Summary

• Chris has received a letter from Nintendo of America stating that he hasn't been in touch with Shigeru Miyamoto. The trolls try to convince him that the letter is fake.
• Chris gives more advice on whether Falsion's friend is a homo by suggesting he'll be drawn to posters of men more than those of women in the fan's bedroom.
• Julie probes Chris on why he dislikes homos so much. Chris flounders.
• Chris first made his medallion because he wanted to, before he ever drew any comics and wears it all the time because it's like a nametag. Might make one for Julie.
• Someone hacked Sonichugirls.net. Julie is outraged.
• Chris doesn't hate all men, just the ones who are jerks, which is the "majority of the male population." When called on it, admits he doesn't know how he knows that men are jerks without knowing them.
• Chris doesn't remember saying that transgender people should have surgery. Now says that they shouldn't. Confuses "transgender" with "intersex" and says that if he had a child with both organs he would raise it as a boy.
• If Chris was dating a girl and she turned out to have a penis, he would freak out, throw up and dump her.
• Sonic replaced American Rabbit as Chris's favorite cartoon character.
• Chris's favorite soap opera is The Young and the Restless. He used to watch MTV's Undressed.
• Chris feels as if his life is a soap opera, as he's had a lot of drama.
• Chris hasn't decided if there will be a Chris Chandler show. Everyone says it's a great idea.
• Sonic 3D is Chris's favorite Sonic game.
• The Chris Chandler Show would be improvised with no commercial breaks. When Jack Thaddeus calls him on the show needing to make money, Chris says that he doesn't know how to make commercials.
• Chris never received the Jet, Ebony and Vibe magazines that a troll called hottiee96 subscribed him to.
• Chris says he's irregular with comics because "It's called a life".
• Hamsty asks what Chris does, considering he has no job. Chris stalls, before saying that he can't describe his daily schedule on a whim at the moment and had better not say. He blames stress.
• Chris says that he gets stressed and needs a day to recover. Fans point out the contradiction of drawing comics to relax and using stress as an excuse not to draw them. Chris says that he feels uncomfortable with the questions.
• Chris does Sonichu's voice. It sounds like Chris, only slightly higher. Fans praise this fantastic rendition.
• Chris says that he would want Archie Comics to publish Sonichu.
• There will be no lesbian relationships in Chris's comics, as he promotes heterosexuality.
• Chris obnoxiously cuts off a fan who asks about Nintendo and copyright, saying "I don't know, I don't know, I'm not a business genius."
• They talk about anime and video games. Chris doesn't like the nudity in Crayon Shin-chan because dicks 'offend' him.
• Says that him drawing Sonichu with his duck out was different because he was wearing a condom.
• Chris confirms that he ripped off the workings of Sonichu's penis from a line from Brian in Family Guy.
• Chris does not like poo in a fetishistic sense.
• Chris can't remember why he mentioned his DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS to Clyde.
• Chris is still trying to upload the Nintendo of America letter.
• The adult scenes in Sonichu are not "lost content", they are "removable deleted scenes" and the comic can be read with or without them. This is how he designed it.
• Chris will not undergo speech therapy because he had it when he was a child.
• Chris does a terrible high-pitched impersonation of someone with no front teeth.
• Chris cuts off a question about the PS3 being the main console of the gay community, as he's bothered by it.
• CWCville's employment situation is discussed. Sonichu and Rosechu's job is protecting CWCville and everything is free for them.
• Chris liked the Spice Girls, but didn't have a favorite.
• CWCville was founded just by Bob, shortly after Chris was born.
• Bob told Chris that Sonichu was viable as regards copyrighting. Chris has paid the Library of Congress $35 for copyright years ago and hasn't heard anything.
• Chris has uploaded the Nintendo of America letter. The fans deny that it's real and attempt to discredit it. Chris refuses to listen.
• Chris starts to leave, Clyde Cash enters. The HONEST and TRUE fans all decry this disgraceful human being.
• Clyde says that Julie is afraid of how her life with Chris will turn out, and that her parents will take her away. Chris protests that he's cleaned his room.
• Clyde says Chris needs to clean up his act to be with Julie, asks if he pays taxes. Chris says he's paid sales tax.
• Chris "pleads the fifth" when Clyde asks how much credit card debt he has. When pressed, he admits to having almost $2,000 to offset his savings of $100.
• Chris says that if he decides he has to get a job when he and Julie are married, he will.
• Chris claims that he can cook "anything that's within his cookbook."
• Chris admits he was lying about looking for jobs he can do with his CADD degree, but he can start looking. Clyde calls him out on lying to Julie so much, and Chris whines about his "insultive tone."
• Julie says that she's read up on Christianity and there's no premarital sex. Chris says that Methodists are allowed.
• Chris claims to cook for himself the majority of the week. Says he cooks a lot of things for himself. When pressed, he says vegetables, meats and soups, depending on shopping. His parents cook separately from him, as they live on a different floor.
• Chris says he will look for a job, depending on who's hiring. Will think about getting a job now.
• Chris's schedule currently varies from day to day, but he does a lot of creative things. Yesterday he cleaned his room.
• Julie says that drawing comics is currently Chris's job and he should work on it. Chris promises that he will.
• Chris says Ich bin schwul and leaves.
• BlueSpike and the others laugh about Chris admitting to being a homo.

Transcript

Meet and Greet

[The various trolls greet Chris, talking over each other]

Julie: Heeey Chris!

Troll: Willkommen!

[sound of junk getting moved around]

Troll: Hello.

Troll: Morning!

Hamsty: Hey Chris!

Troll: Uhh- hello, Chris! What's up?

Troll: Hello! How're you doing?

Chris: [speaking in an effeminate voice] Hellloo...

Troll: Bonjour.

[pause]

Troll: So what are you up to tonight, Chris?

Chris: Uhh, nothing much, just uhh... takin' care of things.

Troll: Aww, that's good.

[Audio cuts out here for a moment. Presumably, the same thing happened in the chat.]

Chris: Sorry, what?

Chris: Julie bought me here. You asked for me to come and I so I did.

Troll: Did you... come for your fans at all?

Chris: Uhh, yeah I came for my fans.

Troll: Cool.

Chris: Mmm. Matter of fact I have an update...

Troll: Oooh?

Troll: Ohh awesome!

Chris: But... well unfortunately yeah, it was in a video but it didn't get, uhh, processed quickly enough... I've just had to start re-uploading it.

Troll: Yeeeah... YouTube's really slow at that... depending on what you use. It's a'right.

Troll: It's like... they need to invest their money more in technology.

Chris receives a letter

Chris: Yeah. Anyway, uhh, as I have already told Julie and Sarah May, mm, I have received a letter in the snail mail today from Mr-

Chris: I have received a letter in the snail mail today from Nintendo of America's representative Mr. Mike Chandler- no relation- In response to what I have sent Nintendo of America previously. Anyway, it-it-it verifies my uh- families, my friends and uhh... my theory so that, uhh, and I quote, Mr Shigeru Miyamoto did not have a meeting scheduled with you, nor has he be- has he been corresponding with you. Mr Miyamoto speaks and writes only-

Troll: [Talking over Chris] I'll be right back.

Chris: [very annoyed] -very limited English...! ...and our game development teams do not accept unsolicited game suggestions or other ideas. Although Mr Miyamoto made occasional business trips to the U.S., he spends the majority of his time in Japan at Nintendo's headquarters. So, in short I've- I've actually been talking to... impostors.

[The trolls begin talking over each other at this point]

Troll: Well, you don't know if he's an impostor or not, I mean, I mean,

Troll: Oooooh...

Troll: You know...

Troll: I mean, look at that, it had your last name- it didn't really sound legit...

Troll: Hold on, guys hold on, hold on. Just lemme...

[Brief silence]

Troll: Well, it could have been intercepted by a troll because he did say that Mr. Miyamoto doesn't speak- speaks limited Jap- I mean, limited English, but... I've seen YouTube videos of him speaking a lot... urn... in English... and... I don't- I think that's a lie- that guy obviously doesn't know anything about Miyamoto.

Troll: You know, I- I've heard about stuff like this happening, you know, one of my cousins is in the business industry and he says with a lot of these big companies they get mix- things mixed up all the time. Maybe they were sending it to like- maybe they thought you were someone else, or they sent it to somebody who had the wrong address, you know, they can screw stuff up an awful lot.

Chris: Well anyways, it's an official letter from Nintendo of America, because uhh... the envelope, is-is-is-is just like the previous envelopes I've gotten from Nintendo of America, as well as the uh... letter head on the... letter. It's typed.

[The trolls talk over each other here. The general drift is: "It's easy to forge..."]

Chris: [annoyed] It was typed.

Troll: Yeah, it's easy to forge.

Chris: [still annoyed] It was typed.

[Windows beeping in the background]

Chris: [yep, still annoyed] It was typed.

[More Windows beeping in the background]

Chris: And-and-and it has a signature on there.

Troll: Just because it's typed and it has a signature on there doesn't mean it's real.

Troll: In fact, wouldn't typing it make it more easier to forge since it's not handwriting?

Troll: And a signature doesn't mean anything, I mean, you nev- I mean you don't know this guy and so... it's just somebody's signature.

Chris: Look, I'll tell y'all- look, I'll tell y'all what, I'll scan the envelope AND the letter and put it on the Sonichu site [annoyed] LATER [pause; the trolls talk all at once] and y'all- and y'all- can fig- and y'all decide for yourselves from that.

Troll: We're tryin' to help you, Chris. We're trying to help you and do what's best for you...

Troll: We're trying to make sure nobody's trying to trick you.

Troll: Yeah.

Troll: We're here to back you up.

[silence]

Games, etc.

Julie: Yeah. I can always play it on my PS3, or my Nintendo Wii when I ever get one...

Troll: Never Hex Bawx.

Julie: I hate the Hex Bawx.

Troll: I'm a PC player myself.

[The trolls talk all at once for about ten seconds]

Chris: I'm gonna go get the scanner and make it ready to scan.

[some trolls mutter back and forth, mostly silence]

[long pause]

Troll: ... [whisper] cocks!

[The trolls laugh; sound of things moving around and other noise in the background]

Julie: Can I ask you something, Chris?

Various Trolls: He's uh, scanning. He's scanning things.

Chris: Yeah, I just got back with it and I'm... scanning it.

The Molvanîan Language, et al.

Julie: Oh hey Chris?

Troll: Excellent...!

Chris: Yeah Julie? [Chris sounds uninterested]

Julie: Can you do me a favor?

Chris: Sure, what?

Julie: Can you tell everyone what I taught you today- the new, uhh, Molvanîan word?

Chris: Oooh- ooh. Yeah. Julie uhh... Julie is from Molvanîa... its uh neigh- its uh-it neighbors- it neighbors five countries such as Germany and Slovakia. [pause] Anyway, uhh, she taught me how to say "I love you" in Molvanîa.

[A troll screams in entirely understandable horror, possibly comprehending what will occur next...]

Chris: Ich- Ich baan schwill. [sic]

[Julie says something in the background, something about 'a'right now, okay, keep going']

Chris: Yeah I just pretty much said it. Ich baan schwill. [sic]

Julie: Ahh, a'right. I love you too!

Chris: Yep.

Troll: You have a gift for languages, Chris.

Troll: Really!

Troll: I can see why you pick up Spanish.

Troll: First Spanish, and now Molvanîan. You're moving on up!

Chris: Well, right now basically I just have like a few... greetings. And the 'I love you' there.

Troll: Before you know it you might be speaking Japanese with Mr Miyamoto.

[Chris seems to forget that, just minutes ago, he had decided that Miyamoto was an impostor and doesn't mention it.]

Hamsty: Or French? [she speaks a little French, but Chris just talks over the top of her]

Chris: Well, uhh, I know a little bit of Japanese. Like... こんにちは (konnichiwa). [awkward pause] And さよなら (sayonara).

Hamsty: Do you know any French words?

[More Windows beeping in the background]

Chris: Uhh... wee wee mon anime [sic].

Hamsty: Ahh... mmm. I see.

Chris: Omelet du fromage.

Hamsty: [forced giggle] That's uh, that's that's... very nice. Merci! Merci beaucoup... [another giggle]

Chris: Merci!

Hamsty: That means 'thank you'!

Chris: I know.

Hamsty: Okay, just making sure! [another 'please don't rape me' giggle is squeezed out]

Idle Chatter

Julie: So, uh, Chris. How are things?

Chris: Things are, uh well at home.

Julie: Awesome!

Chris: I'm safe and well, and I'm looking forward to you arriving, Julie.

Julie: Hmm!

[awkward silence]

Troll: Uhh, what happened last time? You were interrupted by... something.

Chris: Sorry, what? 'Member last time you came? I don't know what happened, but you had to sign off for some reason.

Chris: I don't 'member that, that was like a long time ago... that was pretty much a long time ago at this point.

Troll: Uhh, never mind.

Troll: Yeah...

Troll: I can't even remember what I had for breakfast. [snort]

Hamsty: [giggle]

Troll: Well, it happens, it happens. Sometimes you can remember things from birth... and like, from, childhood years... and sometimes you can't remember things from last week!

Troll: Stress does influence memory, so it's understandable.

Troll: Yeah... I suffer from that... occasionally.

[awkward pause]

Movies

Troll: So Chris, seen any good movies recently?

Chris: Mmm... good movies, good movies... I saw Saw V?

Troll: And how was that?

Julie: Oooh, and what did you think of it?

Chris: I thought it was- I thought it was neat and very interesting... I mean I saw the previous four... which I have on DVD. But I got Saw V on Blu-ray.

Troll: Sounds pretty crazy. Was it scary?

[awkward pause]

Troll: Were the special effects realistic enough to make it seem... scary... enough?

Chris: Yeah. [pause]

Troll: It didn't have enough traps! That was my complaint.

Chris: Yeah, I mean uh, I think uh, I think the scariest thing from that movie would be after that- after that guy removed his arm from the- from the saw, and it was like split down to the elbow. But you know-

Troll: I remember that.

Troll: Oh, wow!

Chris: But then- but then you realize from the behind the scenes footage that that actually was just a fake arm.

Troll: Yeah, well, they wouldn't do that in real life because they would have to, like, pay a lot of people...

Chris: Yeah.

Troll: I mean, like, the special effects they use nowadays is pretty impressive.

Chris: Yeah.

Troll: The men were jerks in that movie, the saw vic- the jigsaw victims. I mean like they let that poor girl- uhh... that poor girl die at the beginning the trap...

Chris: Yeah. It's like they could- it's like they didn't- it's like, it's like they didn't know at the time they could have gotten away with all five of them alive at the front line through the whole... setup. But uh, still, you know, I mean, the whole setup they had going there... the girl... the woman actually had her head going through a hole in the wall, while there was a whole fake, empty neck on top of it.

Troll: Yeah... yeah. I just can't believe how much the men were jerks in that movie. They weren't... especially...

Julie: Yeah. That movie made me kinda mad...

Troll: Sexist!

Troll: Do you think they'll make a sixth... Saw movie?

Chris: [Chris speaks as though he were a great authority on the matter] Yeah, I think they'll make a Saw VI, I mean- I figured they... you figured they gave the role of Jigsaw over to Detective Hoffman, so he could probably do something in the next one. Plus, I'm still wondering, what was the fate of the uh... doctor. You remember from the first Saw, that uh, that actually cut off his foot?

Hamsty: Mmm hmm!

Troll Chorus: Yeah...

Chris: Well, y-you find out that basically... you find out he's into crawling away. You find him doing that in Saw III. But yeah you don't see anything of him in Saw f-...four, except for that one time when they actually- they talk about that little piece of evidence that went against him in the first Saw.

Hamsty: [coughs] Mmm. Excuse me.

Troll: Yeah... Uhh... I never really was into horror. What is it that, uh, makes horror movies so enjoyable?

Chris: Hmm. I would say probably the, uh, story, and uh...

Julie: Oh hey Chris, can I ask a question?

Chris: Yeah?

Julie: What's your favorite kind of movie?

Chris: Mmm- I mostly like, uh, romantic comedies.

Troll: Oh, those can be good. [More Windows beeping]

Chris: Yeah, they're fun. I've uh- I've uh- gone back to the Moonlight Confession episode of Shuffle!. That's uh, that's episode 10.

Troll: I prefer animated movies myself, you know... Disney, Pixar...

Troll: So do I.

[A soft, computer generated 'bong!' noise can be heard in the background]

[Hamsty gasps in the background]

Troll: I just watched Finding Nemo recently... just this weekend.

Chris: I liked Toy Story.

Troll: That was a good one.

Troll: That is such a classic!

Troll: My friends and I quote that ALLL the time whenever we watch it.

Chris: To ef-fenity [sic] and beyond. [Chris gets the 'tone' of the catch-phrase completely, completely wrong; it sounds like some kind of deranged, toneless rap]

[short, stunned silence]

Troll: There's a snake in mah boot! I always liked that line.

Troll: I [inaudible] Oh, I'm sorry.

Chris: Sorry, you were saying?

Troll: I was just saying, I have a toy Woody, which when you pull the string he says "I have a snake in mah boots"...

Chris: [stress sigh] Yep, those were sold in the toy stores.

Troll: I- I remember in like... one of my favorite type of movies is, um, martial arts.

Chris: Oh. I saw Kung Fu Panda like, recently... on Blu-ray.

[Possible audio cut here?]

Troll: Oh. Like, name- name a-a couple.

Chris: Oh I just uh- okay yeah, I can remember another one. Mmm. Hard Boiled. I got the collector's edition version of Stranglehold PlayStation 3. That was...

Troll: Hey, Hard Boiled? Wasn't that a John Woo movie with Chow Yun-fat?

Chris: Yeah.

Troll: And he's like, "Oh man, I love that one!" and he's- and he's got, and he has a gunfight in the hospital- that's a really good one.

Chris: And I saw Kill Bills volume I and II.

Troll: Oh those are pretty impressive! [pause] Also, um. Have you ever heard about the new Dragonball movie that's about to come out... in two months?

Chris: Mmm. No, uh, ye- no- ye- no I haven't. But I have heard- but I have, uh watched a bunch of Dragonball episodes. Uhh... Dragonball, Dragonball Z, 'n Dragonball GT... and I have seen some of the movies. Oh- a-and I have also seen the orig- the, uh, the Street Fighter Movie... a long time ago.

Troll: Ooooh I remember that one.

Chris: And I'm also looking forward to the one where they... the new Street Fighter movie that's coming out that's gonna be be surrounding Chun-Li.

[The trolls talk over each other at this point]

Troll: Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

Troll: Did you play Street Fighter IV?

Troll: Ooh, Chun-Li was my favorite Street Fighter character... actually.

Chris: Me too.

[Julie and a troll talk over each other]

Julie: Oh wait-

Troll: -reet Fighter IV?

Julie: Yeah. [pause] Cuz Chris, I'm gonna get it and I wanna play against you...

Chris: What, Street Fighter IV?

Julie: Yeah!

Chris: Yeah I was thinking about- yeah I-I was thinking about getting the collector's edition version... of that.

Julie: Mmm.

[The generic sound of junk being moved around in the background; a slight pause]

Julie: Chris, who's your favorite person to use in Street Fighter, like who do you use the most?

Chris: Chun-Li.

Julie: I also use Dan.

Troll: I use Cammy.

Chris: In Soul Calibur I use Cassandra.

[pause]

Troll: Oh. What a coincidence, I actually use Cassandra a lot... um in um, Soul Calibur.

Troll: I play Cervantes. I like play Cervantes... a lot.

Chris: You don't saaaaaay. Hmm.

Broken Wii, More Games

Troll: Hey Chris, I've got a question.

Chris: Shoot.

Troll: Uhh- two days ago my Wii broke and I have to send it in for repairs, and it's not gonna be back for like two weeks... what should—what do you think I should do to fill that time slot until I get it back?

Chris: Umm... do what you're normally doing right now- like as if uhh... you're living- I mean, you're pretty much living with that right now, just continue on with that... until uhh... you get it back.

Troll: Thanks Chris, that's great advice.

[The troll is very sarcastic. Chris doesn't notice.]

Chris: Simple, really! Not rocket scEYEnce[sic].

[pause]

Troll: You play any other fighting games... or have any other fighting games?

Chris: Yeah, I just mentioned S-Soul Calibur, just the Street Fighter, [inaudible]... I-I also played Tekken.

Troll: Anything else?

Troll: I played that.

Chris: And-and a little bit of Mortal Kombat.

Troll: Oh. Have you ever played, uh. You had a Dreamcast before, right? Or do you still have one?

Chris: Yeah I still have my Dreamcast.

Troll: You ever played Powerstorm?

Chris: Yeah I've- I've played a demo of Powerstorm. Power Stone.

Troll: Oh yeah. Playing into that thing, uh- on your Dreamcast, did you ever play Phantasy Star Online?

Chris: No.

Anime, more games

Julie: Aaa- Chris, can I ask you a question?

Chris: Sure.

Julie: What do you think of the Mother series?

Chris: ...mmm. Y- Oh yeah- you told me about your favorite song from there... uhh- I don't know much ab- I don't know- I do not know much about it, so...

Troll: Uhh- It's also known as Earthbound when it came out on-

Chris: Oh yeah, oh yeah, Earthbound, oh yeah,um, I mean I've heard- I may have heard about Earthbound... oh yeah, that's right. I remember hearing that its Japanese name was Mother... or it was also known as MOTH-A.

[a stunned, confused silence settles over the trolls. Presumably there is an audio cut here.]

Chris: [pause] Mmmmm. [pause] Uhh... uhh, I don't think so.

[pause]

Julie: You should play Phantasy Star Online.

Hamsty: What about Free Realms?

Troll: Yeah the whole... the whole... fanchat was playing Phantasy Star Online for the past few days, it was fun.

[The sound of some kind of tapping can be heard in the background; presumably this is Chris because there is a pause and he doesn't speak until the tapping stops.]

[Chris and Julie talk over each other, along with a burst of static]

Julie: -lay with us.

Chris: Uh. I might consider that. [Chris doesn't sound sincere]

Troll: I mean, we could show you how to get set up and everything.

Chris: Uhh- I don't- yeah well, I don't, I mean- uhh... Not tonight. [pause] But I'll consider it.

Julie: Okay-

Troll: Oh, also, also, um, [Julie begins to talk over the troll] reading to the left-

Julie: I mean, Jaggy, [Julie is very unclear here] Sorry, could you let someone else, everyone Jaggy, I didn't mean to hurry up- I mean, Chris, you can actually be Sonic, in it! It's awesome!

Troll: Yeah, actually I'm playing as Tails!

[more clicking]

Chris: Duuhokay!

[pause]

Music and Computers

Troll: What do you think of the Beatles?

[audio cut]

Chris: It's, uh, just an HP Pavilion.

Julie: What Operating System do you have, W-Windows XP?

Chris: Yeah. [pause] Windosse [sic] XP.

Julie: How much RAM do you have?

Chris: Mmm. I don't know how much RA- how much total... RAM I have, but uh... yeah... I've pretty much got my... got my memory capacity- fill it up with like... tracks from iTunes, some videos, and, uh, images.

[Chris stupidly confuses the volatile Random Access Memory (or RAM) in a computer with permanent hard drive storage. This is from someone who, according to what he told Kacey's father in the Father Call, "...took a computer upgrading class where [he] put together a computer, a personal computer, from scratch."]

[stunned silence]

[audio cut]

Chris: Ohh. Ohh. CPU Speed...

Troll: Like, your- your hard disk space... is for gigabytes and stuff.

Chris: Yeah. Well. I don't know what my- [stress sigh]

[audio cut; volume is very muted and quiet when it comes back]

Chris: Yeah. Yeah... 'bout random-access memory.

Troll: Also, um, Hamsty said, um, what-what do you think of the Beatles? [the troll has a noticeable echo]

Chris: Uhh, they're okay. I- [pause] I mean, [static] I mean, I've heard the Beatles, but it's not like I've formed a total... full opinion of them. But you know, they're okay.

Troll: Oh, okay.

[pause; the sound of shit getting moved around and occasional quiet muttering is present in the background for almost twenty seconds here]

Identifying a Homo

Troll: Uhh, Chris?

Chris: Yeah?

Troll: You know that friend that uh- you told me to get rid of? He sent me an e-mail... and he's saying uh- wait let me read it. This e-mail says, uh... "Dude, I'm not gay, your room is so small and there's nowhere to sit; 'course I sat next to you, how else- I mean, w-what else was I supposed to do?" Lemme skim over it... and then, at the end here, he says, uh, "Dude, get it through your fucking head as much as you possibly can; I AM STRAIGHT." What am I supposed to say to him? Is he- is he gay or what?

[The occasional sound of typing was heard while the troll was talking; Chris obviously wasn't paying any attention and has, almost certainly, completely forgotten about an event which didn't directly concern him ]

Chris: I- I'm sorry could you-, I'm sorry, so, he-he-he... he said that he was... straight?

Troll: Yeah, he's telling me that he only sat next to me because my room was so small.

Chris: Hmm. [Chris has obviously forgotten]

Troll: You know, the friend that thought I was gay?

Chris: Oh yeah! Hmm. [long pause] Mmm.

Troll: I think he's lying, I think he's gay.

Chris: Mmm. [Chris's voice rises to a high pitched squeak, outshining even Julie] Well there is one thing... y-y-there is a, uh... test you could figure out... uhh... you could fill out- uhh... do you have any posters in your room?

Troll: Uhh... wait, my room?

[It sounds like Chris is eating something in the background, possibly with a wrapper. It's a little disgusting.]

Chris: Yeah. Where y'all would... hang out.

Troll: Not really.

Chris: Mmm. Okay, well, uh... fill half the- fill half your-, cover half of your room with- [the troll talks over Chris] with- with-

Troll: Oh you-you mean like a Sailor Moon poster? Yeah, I have one of those.

Chris: Yeah, uh, lemme- [Chris sounds annoyed] let me finish. Cover half of your room with pic-uh, with posters of women. Half of your room with posters of women. You know, c- you know, could be anime, bikinis, oooor... posters you pull out from a Playboy.

[pause]

Troll: Oh, I-I have those, yeah.

Chris: And then uh, on the other half of your room fill them up with, uh... posters of... guys.[pause] And like uh, you know you could- [the troll interrupts]

Troll: I-I-I don't know about that man, I'm not gay.

Chris: I know, but you know you don't have to put- you don't have to... put them in, like, you know, their underwear, but you could use like war hero posters like, uh, like a c... poster. Something like that.

Troll: Oh yeah.

Chris: Yeah but anyway, uh-

Troll: But uh, Call of Duty's not gay!

Chris: [pause] I know but, you know... [pause] yeah. But anyway uh, just go half your room in women posters and the other half of your room with uh... guy posters but uh- and then see which uh- which side of the room he leans towards. More.

Troll: But what if he really likes Call of Duty? Does that mean he's gay? Urggh...

Chris: Maybe you could cover up the... title of the game if you wanted to, or uh j- or just like, fold it over. You know, just move the game title- but just like, you know, make sure you have the guy- just y'know. Just having the guy there and then... you know-

Troll: But it's a guy shooting stuff. That's awesome.

Chris: Yeah but to a h- a but to- when you think about it... if you, uh, think about it, like if you were trying to get into the mind of a... homo... person...? He would see that as something different. [pause] But anyway uhh-

Troll: Uhh- I think it's awesome, like... pictures of a guy like, in army gear and shit, like, and shooting people-

[pause]

Chris: Yeah but- yeah but, uh, anyway, yeah, it just depends on his point of view and his perspective- but anyway, point is: half women, half guys, see which uh, side of the room he looks more towards. Or... leans towards. Or goes to.

Troll: Okay, I'll keep that in mind.

Chris: A'right.

Troll: Yeah but I-I I liked Call of Duty, and like- posters of guys, like shooting s-things- I mean, I have a Contra 4 poster in my room, does that mean I'm- I'm gay?

Chris: Uhh... no. I'm just uh-

Troll: Okay, cool.

Chris: Yeah, but like you know if you were to like uh, decorate your room, you would probably- you would likely put up more... posters of women than- posters- than have posters of... guys. W- So uh, when you think about that, uh yeah, that let's you- that reminds you that you're definitely straight if you put up more- up more posters of uh, women that's a good sign that you're straight. I have mo- I have more posters of women in my room.

Chris... I Wanna Take You To A Gay Bar

Julie: Hey Chris?

Chris: Yeah?

Julie: Can I ask you something?

Chris: Sure.

Julie: What is so wrong with homos? I mean, I-I know that you don't exactly like them, but... what's wrong with having just a few... homosexual buddies? They're not gonna... you know. They're, you know... good people. You should give 'em- you should give at least one a chance. You should- [Chris interrupts]

Chris: Uh yeah, but uh yeah, but yeah... see uh, you know I'm going to... associate, and uh... and n-now I to respect them, but it's just like, you know- I don't want to get- I don't want to be... too close.

Julie: No, but you see it's- the thing is- they won't go near a straight man...! They can tell that you're straight! Don't worry, if you just give one a chance and try to be friends with them, maybe play some more... play some Guitar Hero... maybe play some LittleBigPlanet... have some fun, not try and- just don't... just- just try to have fun with them. Just try for me. Can you please do that? Just try for me?

Chris: Well, that depends if I ever... meet one.

Julie: Can you go to like... a social place?

Chris: Umm... well.

Julie: A-A dance club! What about... what about like a straight- like, an everything dance club... do you know what I mean?

Chris: Mmm... yeah, mmm... I tell you what. I might go to a dance club... uhh, after you- after you get here so that I don't have to feel alone.

Julie: A'right.

Chris: Okay. [He sounds relieved that this particular conversation thread is mostly over]

Brit-Troll: I have a question.

[pause]

Chris: M'kay.

The Medallion

Brit-Troll: Okay um, since I don't want to keep talking about gay men since that's not my thing, anyways this is about your medallion quest. Okay, uhh, anyways- anyways- what are the uh, the origins of your medallion, like when did you make it, is there any particular reason you wear it *all the time*, if you do, and if this is in any way related to your love quest? [pause] Yes, that's what I'm wondering as well.

Chris: I made it because I wanted to.

[pause]

Julie: But-

Chris: Plus, plus, me wearing it all the time is like me wearing a name-tag but it's not like it has my... name... on the front.

Julie: Yes, but Chris he was asking why- WHY did you want to, is the question? [pause] You must have some motivation.

Chris: I didn't really have- I don't think I really have any motivation... as far as I can- as far as I can remember. Because that was, like, years ago.

Brit-Troll: Um like w-when exactly though Chris? Was this in, um, in 2000 when you first made Sonichu, or when you uhh- first made the comics in, uh, I believe 2004?

Chris: Yeah, around 2004 or... 2003 I started drawing comics.

Brit-Troll: W-Was that when you um... first made the medallion though? Cuz we've- we've seen you-

Chris: Yeah- I don't... I don't remember *when* I made the medal...?

Brit-Troll: Oh, okay.

Chris: B-But-bu-bu-[stammers incoherently] but it definitely like- it definitely would have been like before I started drawing any comics.

Brit-Troll: Yes, yes.

[pause]

Julie: Oh Chris, I have another question for you!

Chris: Yeah.

Julie: Two actually uhm, one... do you think you could make me a cool medallion like yours... when I get there?

Chris: I *might*.

Julie: Awesome. [pause] And uh, the other question- w-what happened to the Sonichu Girls?

Chris: Oh. I'm still talk- you know I st-still talk to Sarah May, but uh... I just haven't been there much since, uh... since... Clyde or troll or whatever... hacked into my... Sonichu Girls account.

Julie: Ahh, I see. Wait- someone hacked into your Sonichu Girls account? That's awful!

Chris: Yeah.

Julie: I can't believe some JERK would do that- that makes me so mad!

[pause]

Chris: Yeah.

[pause]

Friends with Men

Chris: Yeah. Sarah... Sarah May... you can hear me on there, uh... you know you can hit me... set that back up. Whenever you can.

Troll: Mmm hey I was just wondering, uh- you know Robert Simmons... is he your friend or what? I heard you know- you don't like to be friends with guys, but... is he like a exception or what?

Chris: Mmm? Mmm- no, no.

[pause]

Troll: But he seems like really good friends with you though.

Julie: So we can, like, hate him or...?

Chris: No, no... I don't... hate him. Uhh... yeah, it's- he's more of a buddy.

Troll: So... he's like the only buddy as far as like guys go... right?

Chris: I've had uhh... a few buddies in my lifetime.

Troll: Oooh, I thought you like hated guys or something... or-or didn't feel comfortable around them. Or something.

Chris: Yeah, it's a combination.

Troll: Yeah but what about Robert? I me-that's very interesting...

Chris: Wa-wa-wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Okay. Okay. It's not necessarily th- it is NOT that I hate g- hate all men... I just the ones that are- that have- that are really... jerks, which that'll be the majority of the male population.

[The trolls talk over each other for nearly thirty seconds here, with occasional breaks]

Troll: Isn't that sexist, Chris?

[pause]

Troll: That's- that's... yeah That's kinda- that's kinda rough, Chris. It'd be kinda mean if someone said you liked- if [inaudible] fuck most 90% of all the population of something...

Troll: Very, very insensitive...

Troll: ...would die, or something...

Troll: ...not nice...

Troll: ...I mean, who-who would say that?

Chris: I have known a lot of jerks in my lifetime.

Troll: I mean, uh, I confess, we all have.

Troll: Yeah but how far have you really traveled to see that Ch-Chris have- like, you know, there's so many other places in the world that- where men can actually be nice.

Troll: I mean, but not nice in the gay way.

[The trolls finally stop talking over each other]

Chris: [MASSIVE stress sigh] Yeah I... don't know how to answer those questions cuz... I never traveled around the world. This far-The farthest I've ever traveled was to California on airplane... to visit my half-

Troll: [inaudible] -a neat place!

[the trolls talk over each other again]

Julie: Chris, you should go on a road trip.

Troll: Chris!

Troll: The world's a pretty good guy, eh?

[pause]

Chris: Yeah well-

Troll: I mean, I can understand... like, a jerk move would be like... say, you're a friend with some lady and then some guy comes and takes her away from you, like, even though he knows you're in a relationship with her, but, like, if-if like, y-you've never ever known these people before, I mean how is it more of a- h-how does it really make them a jerk if you've never really met them and they didn't even know you or... you know, haven't had the chance yet.

Chris: Ummm... not really sure.

[pause; soft beep in the background]

Troll: Oh.

On The Transgender Community

Cameron: Hmm. Oh, Chris- I. I have a question for you. Uhm... I recall asking you once, like a few... chats ago... if you ever thought about being a cyborg and... you said no... but you thought about being a girl, and, you know, you went on... signed a package God gave you. But theeen, towards the end, you said that um, transgender people... male-to-female to be specific- uh, you suggested that they should... actually go ahead and have the surgery... um, since they're taking the hormones and I'm just wondering... some transwomen don't really have a problem with that area, I'm just- curious why you would suggest that.

Chris: Ok what- okay what you're saying... it's not what- it's not what I sugge- I-I-I never said anything like, uh, anything about the trans-gender people, or... taking a- or taking any surgery or what like that. You might- you might be uh, be confusing that to, uh, to where, to where I said that... I'd sooner change my gender b- then, before I- before I became a homo.

[It's obvious that Chris either forgot or chose to forget when he said this statement; unfortunately, that part of the chat is part of a previous mumble which hasn't been completely transcribed. At least, BlueSpike and Cameron are quite convinced it occurred; if anyone knows where Chris said that, feel free to link it in.]

[sound of typing in the background]

Julie: Actually Chris, um... Cameron's right- I think you did say that.

Chris: Hmm, I don't remember.

[pause]

Cameron: Yeah we- we have a record, 'n... I just remember that.

Cameron: Yeah, I mean, what do you think of trans-women in general? I mean- I know they're not sweetheart material, but... in general. Like, should they... go under the knife?

Chris: Um... [long pause] no. I- no no. And also I'll tell you- I'll tell you this- and if I ever have a trans-gender child with both sets of, uh- with both sets of uh... genitals... I would uh, raise that child to be a boy.

Cameron: Reeeally. Well, f-first [sound of Windows beeping] of all, um, uhh, both sets or something like that is actually called inter-sexed- and it c- [audio cut] And uh... yeah, that's an old archaic term, Gecko-

Troll: I was wondering, uh-

Cameron: Oh go ahead, Falsion-

Chris: W-well either, well either way, transgender or hermaphrodite I'd raise them as a male.

Falsion: I mean-

Cameron: Chris-

Falsion: -when the child was born, couldn't you just like get an operation to have one set removed?

Cameron: I think it should be up to the child's choice eventually, I mean that does-

Chris: Yeah-

Falsion: Hold on, lemme talk for a second.

Cameron: Okay, go Falsion.

Falsion: Uhh... Chris, like, say if you were dating a girl... and it turned out she actually had a penis, what would you do? Cuz' I had- I had that happen to me once.

Chris: Mmm. [pause] I'd freak out and probably throw up.

[pause]

Cameron: Wait, you would throw up because-

Falsion: Yeah, me too, I-

Cameron: -your son was... transgender?

Chris: What? No no no no no no... I meant, if I was dating a woman, and I thought she was truly woman [sic], but then I found out she was a hermaphrodite or a trans-gender... then-

Cameron: But- but... but yoooou... said that you... support their decisions to do that... why would you... why would you like, you know-

Troll: Freak out.

Cameron: Freak out about it.

Chris: [stress sigh; pause] Uhhh...

Julie: Yeah c'mon, people can do that operation thing, they don't- they- they feel kind of... well, people feel kinda picked on when they just don't get dates because of that. [pause] And it makes people feel bad, Chris, it kind of does.

Chris: [stress sigh; pause] Uhgh. I'm sorry, it's... mmm.

Julie: It's- it's okay.

A Wild Kitty Appears!

[pause]

[Four soft beeps; the first two and last are identical, the third appears to be a Skype noise. Horrific, tortured yowling can be heard.]

Chris: Hi there sweety.

[More beeps, more pained yowling]

Chris: Excuse me. It's my cat. Excuse me. Hi sweety, what do you want? Are you hungry? Come on, I'll give you some food.

Julie: Can I talk to the kitty?

[Sound like a large avalanche of junk]

[Even more pained yowling.]

[pause]

Chris: Hi Lucy! There you go.

[Hamsty giggles in the background; the general drift is 'it's okay, go on'.]

Julie: Chris? [pause] Did [inaudible] log out?

Chris: I was talking to my cats.

Julie: Oh, okay.

Troll: What kind of cats do you have?

[pause]

[sound of typing]

Julie: Kitty!

Return Of The Dickgirls

Falsion: So uh, about the things we were saying before; if you found out, like, you know, would you still love that person?

Chris: Umm... [pause] uhh. If I f-

Falsion: Like, if you had feelings for...

Chris: Umm... [longer pause] mmm. Hey Mum, whatcha up to?

Chris: [faint] Oh, okay...

[sound of mountains of junk, trash and rubbish being shuffled around]

Snorlax: [faint] Somebody poop?

Chris: [faint] Yeeeah... Kitty did it already, I cleaned it up.

[possibly someone muttering in the background]

Chris: [faint] I did.

[pause, moving of junk]

Chris: Mmm. Right, so what was the question?

Julie: Wait, is that your mother? Can I talk to her?

Chris: Mmm, no she just left.

[Julie, Falsion and Cameron talk over each other]

Julie: Aww, okay.

Falsion: Yeah Cogs said that- pretty much said it.

Cameron: Yeah, to your left.

[End talking over each other]

Chris: Yeah so, what was the question?

Falsion: Like... if you loved someone- I mean, a girl and it turned out that she had a penis, would you still love her?

Chris: Ooooh yeah. Uhh, mmm. No, I'd pre- no, I'd pretty much uh... break it off, but you know-

Falsion: Not even friends?

Cameron: Yeah, not even friends...?

Chris: I mean but uh, yeah but I mean, uh, yeah, I- I mean break up... relationship and go back to being just friends.

[pause]

Falsion: Okay.

Cameron: Oooh, okay.

Julie: But Chris, looks don't always matter, shouldn't it be the person itself? I mean-

Cameron: Really, yeah!

Julie: I mean, not, not what's on the outside but what's on the insi-

Chris: [talks over Julie]- I-I said I'd still be friends with that person. [Windows beeping]

Julie: Yes well- yes, but why would you still break with them just 'cuz of that?

Chris: I don't mean- I meant... I meant, I meant, kill them- I meant, still be friends but... not be romantic.

[pause]

Cameron: Hmm.

[pause]

Falsion: Also, I was wondering, um- I watch a lot of television and I was wondering um- do you watch professional wrestling? I love it, my father loves it, and um-

Chris: Uhhhh... no, not- no, I don't watch it often. No.

Falsion: Oh, like, you don't watch WWE or um... the Ultimate Fighting Championship?

Chris: Yeah I don't.

Falsion: Oh, okay.

Chris: It just never really- it just never really interested me.

Cartoon Heroes, Audio Volume Fail

[The audio becomes extremely muted here]

Falsion: [very faint] Oh, okay.

[pause, sound of mouse clicks and typing in the background]

Falsion: [very faint] Also uhh, can you tell us, what's your favorite cartoon character?

Chris: [very faint] Uhh... who wants to know about it?

Falsion: [very faint] Me and [inaudible]

Chris: [very faint] Yeah well, when I heard, uh, it would be Sonic the Hedgehog I mean, you know but before him, I would say my hero would be The American Rabbit.

Falsion: [very faint] Oh, that's great.

[Several trolls talk at once; due to the extreme quietness of the audio it is inaudible]

Falsion: [very faint] -I mean, wait. Does that mean Sonic qualifies as like [inaudible] considering like you show... or, like, [inaudible]

Chris: [very faint] I consider it the number one in most ways.

Falsion: [very faint] Yes but uh- that qualifies as a cartoon character if it's a video game... character.

Cameron: [very faint] Yes but he was also in a cartoon though, he had uh [inaudible]

Falsion: [very faint] I remember that too like, like, when I was a little kid The Adventures of Sonic The Hedgehog- that's a fun show.

Cameron: [very faint] Yeah. [inaudible] Um Chris, which show did you like- did you like the one with uh, like the one which was on Saturday mornings, or... did you like the one with uh, with the [inaudible]

[Transcriber's note: Warning to listeners who may have their volume cranked to hear: the next speaker, presumably the person recording the conversation, has their volume at a normal level.]

Troll: [LOUD] They were all Steve Urkel as Sonic.

[Jaleel White, most famous for his role as Steve Urkel on the 1990s sitcom Family Matters, also voiced the character of Sonic the Hedgehog and other characters for Sonic the Hedgehog media.]

[Chris's next reply is muted and quiet again]

Chris: [very faint] Yeah, th- [inaudible]

Cartoon Heroes, Audio Volume Restored

[From this point on, the audio is back to normal]

Troll: [LOUD] D-did ya' like the one that had Sally, and-

[Chris and the troll talk over each other]

Chris: -Yeah, I liked the-

Troll: -Bonny, and other characters?

Chris: -Yeah- Yeah- I liked the Saturday Morning better than the... weekday.

[Transcriber's note: There were two Sonic the Hedgehog cartoons showing at the time Chris was a kid. One was a shitty weekday serial which was basically slapstick comedy and random access humor while the other was a much more serious show. Surprisingly, Chris favored the serious show.]

Falsion: I absolutely agree.

Troll: Yeah, that was a much better one.

Falsion: Yeah. It was on, um- I think it was called like... the first one was The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, the second was SatAM... then there was Sonic Underground-

[Transcriber's note: SatAM is the nickname given to the serious Sonic the Hedgehog cartoon series.]

Chris: -Yeah.

Falsion: -then there was Sonic X.

Chris's Life as a Soap Opera

Troll: Here's a question, what's your favorite soap opera?

Cameron: Yeah, d-do you watch them?

Chris: Yeah I watch soap opera- yeah, I've watched soap operas... I'd say, I've watched more- I've watched most often The Young and the Restless.

Cameron: OooOOOOoooh.

Chris: A-And then- and then I also- [Windows beeping] during my teenage years I also watched MTV's Undressed.

Cameron: Hmm.

Falsion: I'm watching a soap opera.

Cameron: Yeah. Uhh, Chris- do you sometimes ever get the feeling that your life is kinda... a soap opera?

Chris: [sounding annoyed] Yees. Yes.

Cameron: Mmm. How so?

Chris: Just feels that- it just feels that way.

Cameron: Mmm. The only thing-

Chris: You know, I get- I get a lot of drama in my lifetime.

Cameron: Ahh. Do you- do you think that making your videos just... feeds into that a bit more?

Chris: [stress sigh] A lot of things have been... fed... to my... lifetime.

Cameron: Ohh, really?

Chris: So it's like... well. A lot. A lot of stuff. Like, yeah.

Falsion: Yeah, you gotta keep doing what you do, you know, don't let the anyone get you down or anything.

Chris: Yeah.

Falsion: Just... just like, the end of a very good story, like, everybody's life has a happy ending. The heroes. It's like a very good story.

Chris: Yeah.

[The trolls talk over each other]

Cameron: Ooooh, hans-

Cameron: Ohh, really?

Falsion: Oh yeah- yeah- Hans here had a question here. He said- I he- I heard you're going to make a Chris Chandler show.

Chris: [stress sigh; Chris sounds annoyed] That has- that has not been decided fully yet. Uhh, Vivian suggested it.

[The trolls talk over each other]

Julie: I think it's a great idea!

Various Trolls: Yeah! Yeah!

Cameron: I would watch it.

Falsion: Oh. Like, if you did do that, would you do it on like a weekly basis or-

Chris: Yeah- yeah I'd say more of a-

Falsion: -like a daily, or like a monthly-

Chris: -I'd say more- I'd say more a weekly.

Troll: I'd watch it every time, I mean...

Falsion: How long would each show be?

Chris: [stress sigh] I- obviously ten minutes, I mean, there's uh- that's a limit.

Falsion: Well you could divide it- [Various trolls interject, Falsion shouts over them] DIVIDE it into parts?

Julie: Yeah you should make it like half an hour, e-every week.

Chris: Uhgh...

Falsion: Like Sonic SatAM.

Chris: Yeah- I don't know. Uhh, that's for me to decide... eventually.

A Terrible Idea is Born

Troll: Also like The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog you could- you should add a segment for the children, like, you know, like, "Ask Chris" or "Chris Says"-

[Trolls talk over each other here, the general drift is to suggest names for the title.]

Falsion: Yeah like telling peo- telling kids not to do drugs and stuff like that.

Troll: [static-y] Sexual harassment and all that.

Chris: Yeah.

Falsion: Plus, will- [audio cut]

Rosechu-porn

Chris: Yeah. [pause] Yeah.

Julie: Just make an eighteen-or-over section so we can all see the... comics-

Chris: [talks over Julie] Yeah I'll- I'll-

Julie: I'd love it.

Chris: Yeah I'll eventually make one of those, I just haven't gotten around to it yet.

[Various trolls interject and try to talk, but Falsion wins]

Falsion: -Chris. [pause] Yeah you know Chris, I heard something about a uh... poke'boy magazine I reckon that'd be pretty cool to release, you know. With the uh- with the uh... photos, and pinups of the-of all the Sonichu... uhh- the Rosechu girls. That uh, that I think'd- [Chris talks over Falsion] it'd be kind of fun.

Chris: [annoyed] Yeah well for your information it's two syllables, Rose-Chu, not Rose-a-chu it's...

Falsion: Oh, okay. It's uh- it's uh-

Chris: [quietly] It's okay.

Falsion: It's west coast dialect.

Chris and Sonic Games

Cameron: I'm not sure if it's been asked before Chris, but do you prefer the 2D Sonic games or the 3D ones? Cuz' I like- I like the ones on the Genesis the best...

Chris: Mmm. [pause] Ahh. [pause] Mmm. I think I like 3D better.

Falsion: Hmm. [pause] In my opinion Sonic 3D was the best.

Chris: Yeah.

Cameron: Oh, that one was pretty awesome.

Troll: Definitely.

Chris: That was the first- that was the first... 3D attempt at putting Sonic in 3D world, [Chris slurs his words into an indecipherable mess] anyway.

Troll: Actually, my favorite one was where you would take-

[A troll tries to talk over the first, but the first starts again after a brief pause]

Troll: My favorite one was where you would take Sonic and Knuckles and a- and latch Sonic 3 onto it, that was a great game.

Chris: Yeah.

Back to the Show

Falsion: Also, um. I was wondering. If you were doing the show, would it be scripted or would it be like an improvisation, unscripted format? And would it have commercial... breaks?

Chris: Urgh... I would probably improvise, and no commercial breaks.

Falsion: O...kay.

[silence]

Cameron: Wait, wait. Commercial breaks... don't you understand how TV works?

[various trolls talk over each other, Cameron wins]

Cameron: How do you think they make money?

Chris: Yeah I know but uh... [pause]

Julie: Yeah you could actually make money!

Chris: Yeah well I'm not really sure how to do commercials on that note, so... I might just assume, uh...

Cameron: Or you could do it like Jimmy Kimmel, he does them on his show... live?

Falsion: You could just do your-

Troll: -yeah!-

Falsion: -own multiple cuts, then like, take a break in between them uh- and between like let some stress out, get everything organized-

Troll: -like the-

Falsion: -you know.

Troll: Put an ad commercial there, you in there... insurance [very unclear].

Troll: Or put in like some clips from your DVD or something. Or put on songs, or-

[Chris talks over the troll, but he keeps going.]

Chris: Uhh no, I-I- [stress sigh]

Troll: -waiting music, or something like that.

Chris: I don't know, I'd have to th- I don't [voice trails off] know I'd have to... go think about.

Troll: Okay.

Magazines

Cameron: Oh Chris, um- you remember a troll by the name of, uh, hottie96 on YouTube?

Chris: Uhh... no I don't.

Cameron: Oh well you don't? Oh, okay. Well, she [static] posted a video... of someone who... sent you... um, African-American magazines.

Chris: Hm.

Cameron: Yeah. Uhh, someone... put-[static] uhh, subscribed you- to your subscription for Jet, Essence, and uh... Vibe. And I was wondering-

Chris: Hmm.

Cameron: -if those actually ever showed up.

Chris: Mmm. [pause] None of them showed up.

Cameron: None of them? Oh, okay.

Troll: Ok good, because you know-

Daily Routine

Troll: Actually, I have a question.

[pause]

[audio cut; the question is lost. Presumably, based on Chris's answer, it was about his daily routine.]

Chris: [stress sigh; pause] Yeah, it's- it varies, uh... you know, one day I'll be doing one thing, then next day I'll be doing something else, then some days I have to take a rest. Take- take days off.

Troll: Y-Yeah, I noticed that. It's like uh... it's like I can never tell like... w-what was it, I forgot what I was going to say.

Chris: [stress sigh] It's called a life.

Troll: Oh, Hamsty is saying... well, what do you do? You don't have a job.

Chris: [stress sigh]

Troll: That was Hamsty and not me.

[pause]

Chris: Uhhm... sure. Um... [pause] I'm sorry, can you repeat the question?

Troll: Hamsty is saying that you don't have a job, I mean, so you must have l-like a lot of free time so, you know, what do you do?

[audio cut]

Cameron: -me!

Chris: Oh. Mmm.

Troll: That's lucky.

Troll: Mmm hmm.

Troll: Yeah. Oh Chris, I have a question related-

Troll: Wait, let him answer.

Troll: Yes, I'm sorry.

Troll: Don't smother him like that.

Chris: Uhhm... [pause] Yeah I can't really describe my uh... daily schedule on a... whim. At the moment. [soft 'pong!' in the background] And uh... Yeah I'd rather not say.

Chris: I get stressed one day and then I have to ta- then I have to recover.

[murmur of troll agreement]

Troll: I understand Chris.

Falsion: I mean, you seem kinda busy all the time, I mean...

Troll: And if you're working on things you like all day, and usually that's how you relieve stress, if you get stressed from that- if you do that to relieve stress the next day, then how is that t-taking a day off?

Chris: Hmm. [pause] Uhhm... [pause] I don't know. I'm getting ti- these questions uh, I'm feeling uncomfortable with these questions.

Chris is Stressed, Moving On

Troll Chorus: Okay.

Troll: Hamsty has another question though. Since y- [audio goes extremely quiet here, inaudible]

[Presumably, the question was about what Sonichu would sound like.]

Chris: Umm... lemme think about that.

Troll: Yeah, I've always wondered what Sonichu sounded like...

Chris: Umm... lemme think about that.

[Pause]

Chris: [Chris uses his 'Sonichu' voice, which is exactly identical to his normal voice, just a little less stressed] Hey Rosey, I'm gonna go take a swim!

[shocked pause]

[Many trolls join in an approving chorus]

Troll: Nice!

Troll: Yeah that's pretty cool.

[Many, many voices, too numerous to make out']

Troll: Really bad-arse.

Chris: Ok.

Troll: ...bad, bad, bad...

Comics Questions

Troll: So Chris, Chris I had a question- kinda related to the comics. If you could have any, like, major big time company... publish it... uh, who would it be? Like uhh, you know, DC, or Marvel, or someone like that. Would you-

Chris: uhh-

Troll: -mind putting it out.

Chris: -I'd say probably Archie comics.

Troll: Oh nice, sticking with the classics.

Brit-Troll: Yeah, they did the uh, Sonic comics.

Chris: Yeah.

Cameron: Oh uhh, Chris- um. Cogs had a question, I'll read it... um. Are your comics going to feature any lesbian relationships?

Chris: Uhh... I don't think so.

Cameron: Oh? How come?

I'm promoting being straight. -- Christian Weston Chandler.

Chris: I'm promoting being straight... for one thing.

Cameron: Mm hmm!

Falsion: Ooooh, we thought you were okay with like, lesbians and stuff.

Cameron: Yeah, wi.

Chris: Well, I mean... I might, I might not I don't know- it just... it's a f- it's an, uh, future thing so... it's uncertain at the moment.

Cameron: Mmmmmm...

Falsion: Ahh. O-One thing, you said you wanted the game to go, like, multi-platform between... Nintendo and like the PlayStation, right?

Chris: Yeah.

Falsion: Well, what I'm confused about isn't- isn't Pokemon like a trademark of Nintendo? How would that work out? There would be a lot of copyright...

Chris: [Chris's voice is shrill and hysterical] I DON'T KNOW I DON'T KNOW, I'm not a business... genius. I don't know. I'm not a business genius.

Falsion: I was just asking.

[pause, loud sound of typing in the background]

Chris: Uhhm... yeah, I don't yeah I don't- yeah... it's I-it's only a possibility, just a random- just a random idea I had. It's just like- yeah.

[pause]

Sailor Moon

Troll: Chris, I've just remembered something. Uhh- I- you're good- you're a pretty- you're a pretty big Sailor Moon fan, weren't there some lesbians in Sailor Moon?

Chris: [pause] You're thinking of... Sailor Neptune and Uranus. [Chris uses the other pronunciation of Uranus, probably to avoid that whole 'Your Anus' thing.]

Troll: Yeah!

Troll: Yes.

Cameron: Yeah.

Troll: Yeah, I thought what they had was pretty special, I mean, you could do something like that.

Troll: Yeah.

Chris: Yeah I'm not sure about that.

[pause]

Troll: Oh, speaking of Sailor Moon, who's your favorite Sailor Scout?

Chris: Yeah.

[pause]

Falsion: Oh, um, by the way, speaking of Sailor Moon, what's your favorite Sailor Scout- if you don't mind me asking.

Chris: Sorry, what was the question?

Falsion: Who is your favorite Sailor Scout, out of the whole group?

Troll: Sailor Jupiter for me.

Chris: Mmm.

Falsion: Mine is, um-

[Chris and Falsion answer at the same time]

Chris: I like Mercury.

Falsion: -Mercury.

Troll: Oh yeah, she was hot.

[The trolls talk over each other]

Troll: I liked Chibi-moon.

Cameron: I liked Sailor Saturn.

Troll: I haven't got the opportunity to watch that show since it was on-

[audio cut]

Other Cartoons

Troll: Have you seen Inu Yasha?

Chris: Yah.

Troll: What do you- what did ya' think of it?

Chris: Good show.

Troll: Cool, cool. What's your favorite character?

[pause]

Chris: I'd say Kagome.

Troll: What about- umm, what's some other stuff on... you watch Adult Swim, right? Have you seen Code Geese [sic]? I think that's what it...

Chris: [annoyed] Code GEASS.

Troll: Yeah yeah.

Chris: Yeah I've seen that.

Cameron: Noodle people!

Troll: What do you- what do you think of uh, you know uh, you know any characters you like..?

Chris: Uhh... C- I haven't really gotten into that- gotten really fully into it yet. I mean I watched the bi-

Troll: -yeah-

Chris: I mean I started watching it when I... got into Adult Swim because I saw, uh, a Japanese PSP game... that had- that was, uh, had like- had that- those- uh- that was of Code Geass, but uh... and the guy- and the guy- that reminded me of... Kaiba from Yu-Gi-Yo!.

Troll: Uhh Chris, since I've noticed you like anime and also romantic ones could I recommend like two anime for you, by any chance?

Chris: [stress sigh] ...Yeah, sure.

Troll: A'right, I've got your Skype right here, so I can... I'll PM- I'll PM you the links even? Like, one's called, 'When They Cry' and the other's called 'School Days', which I think you might like most. [Transcriber's note: Chris is HIGHLY unlikely to enjoy either of these, except for the fact there's a lot of women in them.]

Chris: I'll see.

Troll: Uhrm- Hang on, I'll get you the links. Also-

[audio cut]

All About Cocks

Chris: -uhh, Super Nintendo and the GameCube. [pause] I dunno, for the Super Nintendo I'd like uh... [pause] mmm.

[pause]

Falsion: Hey Chris.

Chris: Yeah.

Falsion: When it comes to Anime, do you like girls who are kind of... more-more of a sweet, you know, kind, soft hearted disposition or do you like them to be strong fighters?

Chris: Mmm. I like both, actually. [pause] But I think I'm uh more into the- I think I'm... like, you know, if I could put, you know, half-half.

Falsion: Oh. I see. Um. Also, on Adult Swim, you ever watch an Anime called- um Shin Chan.

Chris: Oh, Shin-Chan.

Falsion: Yes.

Chris: Mmm. Yeah I mean it's uh, it's okay, but I don't care much for uh... the nudie parts. I don't care- I don't care much for dem [sic].

[Another troll talks over Cameron, but his voice is more audible]

Cameron: Why don't you like the nude parts, you have a problem with the... human body?

[pause]

Chris: Mmm.

[Cameron and the troll talk over each other]

Falsion: I mean you draw it in your comics so you must have plenty to say-

Cameron: [singing] You must have hooonor- honooor honor and a peeeenis...

[silence]

Chris: Mmm. [pause] Yeah I don't like look'n- yeah I just don't like looking at- I-I just- dicks offend me.

Falsion: Oh. I see. Um, ever seen Case Closed?

Chris: Yeah.

Falsion: Uhh. [pause] Uhh Chris, remember that one time you drew uhh, Sonichu with his penis out? Were you offended by that or what?

Chris: I drew it with a condom.

Falsion: Oh.

Chris: I- I never drew it-

Falsion: Oh, with a condom it's okay, right?

Chris: Yeah.

Cameron: Large difference.

Chris: Yeah.

Falsion: I- I'm sorry man, I'm sorry.

Cameron: So... how exactly does Sonichu's penis work? It- it slides out...?

Chris: Yeah.

Falsion: We went through this in the comic, though... You should read the comic.

[the trolls shout over each other]

Troll Chorus: Yeah!

Cameron: I still don't understand it, kind of.

Falsion: You must be illiterate, then.

Chris: Bueh he-[sic] First he has to get stiff, and den [sic] he has to lean forward to make it come out. I got the idea from-

Cameron: I don't really me-

Chris: -I got the idea from the line where he says "Hey, mine goes inside me when I stand up, how do you think I feel?"

[the trolls talk over each other; all dialog inaudible]

Falsion: Yeah, Hamsty had a question.

Troll: Yes. Hamsty asked, "Are you into poop, Chris? Cuz that's a kink-"

Chris: [stress sigh]

Troll: -Cuz that's kinky, I remember you said you had on... crapped briefs.

Chris: [stress sigh] Yeah. I don't like poo.

Troll: No-one does.

Falsion: Only sick weirdos like poop.

Chris: Yeah.

Troll: I know I don't.

Falsion: I won't say much then.

Chris: What?

[pause]

Falsion: Yeah, we were talking to Clyde.

Chris: [stress sigh] Well I had- well I had up some cat poo now and then, 'n... [pause] Uhh-

Falsion: -did you get a boner?

Chris: I was trying, I was trying- nnn. What?

[pause]

On DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS

Falsion: Okay, um. Remember that time you were arguing with Clyde, 'n... you said you had like, dirty crapped briefs? Like, why did you say that to him? [pause] I'm kinda confused by that.

Chris: I don't know, I was uh- I don't know, he-he caught- I don't know, I was, I was... I don't know why I said it.

Falsion: Oh. Oh, oh, I- [Falsion and a troll talk over each other] remember what happened now.

Troll: -Yeah, you said you had dirty, crapped briefs. I remember, cuz-cuz he was, he was, calling you on the uhh- um, on- on the um, on the women's underwear thing. That's right.

Falsion: Oh, yeah yeah yeah. That's right. [pause] Cuz-

[The trolls talk over each other]

Brit-Troll: No, he was talking about, um, mm. About Chris's... mother's underwear. And Chris, you said bra and panties were considered underwear, and underwear is a type of clothing, and uh brief [sic] and boxer equals clothing as well.

Chris: [stress sigh]

Falsion: I mean, that was a pretty good comeback there I just wanna know what... motivated it.

Chris: I don't remember.

Brit-Troll: Uhh yes, Clyde can be... Clyde can be an arsehole.

Chris: Yeah.

[pause]

Falsion: Yeah, I-I used that once, someone was like- talking crap to me and I told him that and he like, backed away. So yeah, it was a good comeback.

Chris: [quiet] Uhg.

Troll: I see, um. [pause]

[audio cut]

Chris: I dunno, uh... I might. I might.

Troll: I'm a cat- I'm a cat person too.

Brit-Troll: I love cats!-

Julie: [high pitched screeching] MEOW!

Brit-Troll: -I have one.

Cameron: [wistfully] I'd love to have one some day.

Falsion: I wish I had one. My mother wouldn't let me.

Cameron: Mmm. It's- [inaudible]-in my apartment to have one.

Falsion: Oh, she just- she's just allergic.

Troll: I had another question, uhh- I remember when like, Clyde was showing off that Rabbichoso thing... and you were like, it's a site for ventilation cracks- where do you come up with that? That's so good.

[Presumably, this is from a Mumble chat that has not been transcribed yet. I could find no record of what the troll is blabbering about.]

Chris: [skeptical] Ventilation cracks?

Troll: Yeah, you said his drawing-

Brit-Troll: -yeah, what does that mean?-

Troll: -was like a site for a ventilation cracks.

Chris: [high pitched, defensive] I never said that!

Falsion: That was an awesome comeback.

Troll: Yes you did.

Chris: [annoyed] I don't remember saying ventilat- I said that- I said that... I said that was crap.

Troll: Oooooh.

Falsion: Ohh, even better diss.

Chris: Yeah I said it was crap.

Troll: Oh, okay.

Chris: A'right.

[pause]

Lightening the Mood

Matthew Devoria: Hmm. [pause] Maybe we should lighten things up a bit. Uhh- Is there anything you [sudden voice change, voice now quite high pitched] want to talk about, Chris?

Troll: Yes.

Chris: [stress sigh] Nothing... right at the moment, I mean, I'm... trying to get logged in so I can upload the uh... scanned... letter. [pause] So y'all can... read it for yourselves.

Matthew Devoria: [faint] Did you get- [audio cut]

Troll: Yeeah.

Chris: Yeah. Yeah, I'll do- I'll do that eventually. [pause] Y'know, soon enough.

[The trolls all talk over each other, encouraging him to upload it.]

Troll: Wait, Chris is trying to talk!

Chris: Uh, those uh, ju-for your information they are not lost episodes, they are just removable deleted scenes. You know, they can work one way with them or one way with- or another way without 'em. It's just the way I designed it. [pause] Yeah.

Troll: Also, um, Rosie has a question she typed, she's wondering if you were considering undergoing speech therapy because you seem to have pronouncin-, trouble pronouncing uh, 'th', and all that stuff.

Chris: I took speech therapy during my early childhood years.

Cameron: Hmm

Brit-Troll: Oh me too! I had- I have- I still have troubles pronouncing 'r' words and then-then they just told me it was like a problem with my jaw.

Chris: Hmm.

Troll: Also, um, I had a younger brother, true story, that, he couldn't pronounce certain words when he was in kindergarten so yellow he couldn't do y sounds, he was like, 'lellow'. But, going through speech therapy, he's actually overcome it. He's actually a very impressive linguist now.

Chris: Oh, well that's good. You know I can imitate somebody who doesn't have their two front teeth even though I do have my two front teeth?

Troll: Oh. Could we hear?

Chris: [soul-crushing imitation] All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth! My two front teeth! All I want for Chwiss-mathh itth my two fwont teeth!

[trolls start out giggling, devolving into guffaws]

Troll: That was hilarious.

Chris: Yeah that's Spike Jones' classic. That you hear every Christmas.

Troll: It is a classic.

Cameron: Okay but uh, there's two questions on the side, from Monsieur Parfait: Hey Chris! What are you feelings on the PS3 being the main pick for the gay community and gay online gaming community, using PSN as their main social network-

Chris: Ok, you can stop right there 'cause you're bothering me. You can stop right there 'cause you're bothering me.

Troll: We'll toss that question out. Let's move on.

Communism

Cameron: Hamsty wants to know what you think of China. I guess he means the country, so...

Chris: Yeah, it's a good country.

Troll: You like Chinese food?

Chris: Yeah, it's alright.

Troll 2: So wait, you're saying that communism is good? That's not very American of you.

Troll: No, that's not-

Chris: Wait, wait what?

[Chris and Troll 2 talk over each other]

Troll 2: Communism-

Chris: Food.

Troll 2: No, you sai-no you were asked what you think of China. You said you thought it was good. So you're saying that communism is good?

Chris: What-no. I did not say that. I just said that the country was good.

Troll 2: Yeah- that-

Brit-Troll: The country isn't that same as its government, though.

Troll 2: No, yes it is, yes it is! They support the communist-

Troll: Oh you be quiet.

Chris: Yeah, you be quiet, he's had enough.

Cwcville Work Force

Troll: I was just wondering one thing about uh Cwcville, um, do the people in Cwcville have to work or do they get money from the government?

Chris: S- yes, it's pretty much like real life, some work, some don't some get eh- you know it's just like- basically real life. Matching there.

Troll: Oh, so like, everyone has to like, work and stuff?

Chris: Yeah. [pause] Dude I got the images up, I just uh, put up the link there.

[trolls respond approvingly]

Troll: Sonichu and Rosechu, do they have a job? Do they have a job or what, because I never like see 'em working in the comic, I'm kinda confused.

Chris: [stress sigh] Well, it's just like a whole- hmm, there's too many details to figure out there so just- you could just assume that you know there are so many tall buildings, so many office buildings, so many stores and all that, you could assume that a lot- that most everybody is working.

Troll: So what like, what's Sonichu's job?

Chris: What?

Troll: What's uh, Sonichu's job.

Chris: Oh. Well shoot he's uh...[pause] Well, he protects Cwcville, for one thing.

Troll: Does he get paid for it?

Chris: Yeah, I pretty much give him- give him his own privileges.

Troll: Oh so like everything is free for him?

Troll: Isn't that an abuse of power? You were democratically elected weren't you?

Troll: Ok, you need to shut up, really.

Troll: Someone kick out Crass.

Troll: Crass, you're acting like an asshole.

Troll: Chris, I kicked him.

Chris: Good. Yeah,he was be- he was being very annoying.

Troll: He has an annoying voice, too.

Troll: He's also gay.

Troll: Yeah he's a homo.

[huffing into mic]

Troll: Yeah anyway.

Troll: So what about Rosechu, does she work?

Chris: Hmm, I haven't really thought about- uh, nah- nah- I'd say- nah- she's got same-no. She's got privileges too.

Troll: Oh, that's cool.

Chris: But you know its like I couldn't- it's not like I couldn't offer her like a, job or something, I just never really thought about giving the hedgehogs anything-a job- giving the hedgehogs jobs.[troll talks over Chris] Just never came up.

Troll: Yeah, I'm just saying, they always seem to be like, you know, on their like, time off, or like having- on spring breaks and stuff, I just wondered if any of the characters like worked, or what.

Chris: Hmm. I never really thought about them having jobs. I just-

Brit-Troll: Well, in a way, their job is to protect Cwcville and, and when they do i bet its really hard and they need all they can-

Troll: Oh, they all protect Cwcville?

Chris: Yeah.

Troll: Oh, I thought it was just Sonichu's job.

Chris: Yeah.

[pause]

More Anime Suggestions

Troll: Alright, uh, anyone else have any questions?

Logan: Uh, yes, uh did you happen to get my uh, pm, Chris? On Skype?

Chris: Um, uh, are you Logan?

Logan: Yes, that's me.

Chris: Yeah I got them.

Logan: Alright.

Chris: Ok.

Logan: Uh, just download that later of your own free leisure.

Chris: Ok.

Logan: It's a highly recommended one. It's what...Julie got me into a little while back.

Chris: [annoyed] Oh. I see.

Logan: Mm-hmm.

Troll: Yeah it's, it's made by sonic game, actually.

Julie: Chris, you should really play with us.

Chris: Uh, what on your uh, your PS online thing?

Julie: No um, Phantasy Star Online, yeah, you should play with us.

Chris: Yeah, Ph- oh- yeah I'll think about that. Oh yeah I just- yeah I was just- yeah I was just uh...uh yeah, uh Logan you were talking about the one your anime was uh, it's out- dynas-destiny?

Logan: Uh no it's uh, there's two I was trying to make you watch, uh, one is called When They Cry and the other is-

Chris: Oh yeah. Yeah I see that. Alright well yeah I'll just- yeah well I'll just download the torrents and all. Download them- from the torrents. Later on. I have uh- I have- I have the uh, I have a- Limewire.

Troll: Oh I- yeah, I use that too, every now and then.

Chris: Yeah.

Spice Girls

Troll: Also um, Monsieur Parfait also asked you um, uh who was your favorite Spice Girl, Christian, and why?

Chris: Spice Girl. Uh, I'm not really sure. But I do- But I do- But I did like Spice Girls. I just never really thought of which one was my favorite.

Brit-Troll: I liked Emma, Baby Spice.

Troll: I liked Scary Spice 'cause she's scary.

Troll: I liked Sporty, she seemed pretty nice.

Troll: Yeah.

[pause]

Chris: [uninterested] Yeah.

[pause]

The History of Cwcville

Troll: So Chris, when was Cwcville founded?

Chris: Hmm...I've gi- I gave that some thought, I just uh, haven't uh, made it official yet. But mmm...yeah I- yeah I figure that uh, for the origin story of Cwcville, basically it was founded by my father. And he named it- and he named it after- me, cause I was just born. Cause I woulda just been born.

Troll: And it would be like, your legacy and stuff.

Chris: Yeah.

Troll: So it would be born in- so it would have been founded in...1982?

Chris: Yeah.

On Copyrights

Troll: Oh that's pretty neat. Um, Chris, I was wondering, um, do you remember um, people were talking about like, you- you say you copyrighted Sonichu around the year 2000, and um people were um say-, people were otherwise claiming that um, maybe you didn't have it copyrighted, maybe that it's not in the database but, I was wondering, to prove them wrong, can you show us the copyright? [wheedling] Can you show us your copyright for Sonichu?

Chris: Oh...what are you talking about, like uh, papers and such?

Troll: Yeah.

Chris: Mostly- yeah well mostly I just did like uh, what my father told me-what my father told me was viable, little c-in-a circle.

Troll: Uh, the, instant one. Well, there's also um, registered copyrights or um-[Chris interrupts]

Chris: Yeah well- yeah well actually I did pay 35 bucks to uh...[talking to himself] hang on I got you on book mark...uh, shoot- Oh yeah, to the Library of Congress, I paid them 35 bucks for- for a copyright on that but I haven't heard any- I haven't heard anything back from them.

Troll: Oh, w-when did that happen?

Chris: Years ago.

Troll: Oh, I see.

Troll: You know, you should try to get a new copyright, maybe they'll listen this time.

Troll: Or, what you can do is um, go to um, copyrights.gov, that's actually where I had them copyright a patent one time.

Chris: I see, hmm.

Troll: The rate's like 45 dollars now, but I mean, an extra ten bucks, I don't think it would hurt.

Chris: Hmm. Well, I'll consider that.

Troll: I mean there's rumors that Clyde might be able to forge uh, forge documents to get it copyrighted before you, maybe you should get on that. I mean I-

Chris: [stress sigh, pause] Well anyway uh, importantly did uh, y'all see the letter I've uploaded.

Troll: Yeah that's right.

[audio skipping, windows beeping, long pause]

Troll: I've been wondering, what does Cwc cola taste like?

Troll: Actually, this doesn't look real at all. I mean uh, Nintendo Of America, Incorporated, aren't they called uh- wait, wait a second hold on-

Chris: Yeah, yeah it's Nintendo of America, Inc

Troll: Hmm

Troll: I don't know, this doesn't look- legit for some reason.

Chris: I mean look at the letterhead!

Troll: It's easy to fake a letterhead though, you know.

Troll: Yeah you can even buy one of those.

Troll: I mean I could copy and paste and put that into, you know, a word template or something like that.

Chris: No, that's a real signature.

Troll: What people can do is like, sometimes they just plain take the signature from another paper and they can put it on anything else and s-

Chris: [stress sigh]

Troll: Yeah.

Troll: I mean like, ok it's been like, it's actually serious offenses as well, it's like, people are copyrighting um, signatures, it's like identity theft.

Troll: Yeah.

Troll: I'll tell you what I'll do, Chris. One of my other cousins is a uh, he's a forensics analysis...guy. He uh, he reads like, notes people leave at the scene of a crime or letters from criminal cases and he can tell when something's fake or, someone like, you know, there was a case one time when someone murdered someone, and they forged a suicide note but they took [it to] him and he read it and looked to make sure that it was actually, you know, they wanted to see whether or not it was real, and he can spot a fake like, you know, like nothing.

Chris: All right well you do what you want.

Troll: Ok.

A Wild Clyde Appears!

Chris: All right well- all right well it's been fun but uh, I'm gonna head home now, I should get something to eat and uh-

Julie: Uh oh, Chris.

Chris: Yes, Julie?

Julie: He's here...

[trolls groan]

Chris: Well then it's a good time to...

Clyde: Well, wait! What do you say to one last showdown?

Troll: We don't even want you in here Clyde, what are you doing here?

Clyde: [says something about Julie] She might not admit, but she's worried for the future with you.

Troll: [super dramatic voice] Die, monster! You don't belong in this world!

Troll: Wow, that's gonna threaten him.

Clyde: C'mon Julie, admit it.

Chris: Hey Clyde, you can lay off-

Julie: I talked to him, but that's it.

Troll: Clyde, you're worthless [unintelligible]

Troll: Clyde you are an asshole.

Chris: Everybody pipe down. Everybody pipe down.

Troll: Fuck you Clyde.

Chris: Clyde, I talked to Vivian. And everything's o- and everything's okay. You can lay off.

Clyde: No, I refuse to lay off. Forget whatever the bitch says! Alright? 'Cause I've been talking with Julie, and she's gonna have a miserable life if she goes with you. I've been talking to her goddamn parents, and they're gonna fucking take her away. [pause] Tell me Chris...

Chris: Clyde, you can, Clyde, just lay off- we- I know that Vivian-

Clyde: Julie I- Julie- come on-

Chris: -I know that Vivian has asked you to uh, just to try to pick on- to pick on me to get me to clean up my room and I did clean up my room. I got- I held up my end of the bargain so why don't you just leave us alone?

Clyde: Look, it's not enough, it's by Julie's request. Not Vivian's, not mine, but Julie's request. She just couldn't have the balls to tell you.

Chris: [stress sigh]

Clyde: Right Julie?

Julie: Ummm...yes.

Clyde: She's worried and I'm trying to get it to you, through your little head, that's she is just gonna break it off if you don't clean up your god-damned act.

Chris: Julie, you se- I did clean up my room.

Clyde: That's not all. Tell me Chris, do you pay your taxes?

Chris: Mmm...I don't have to pay my taxes.

Clyde: Why?

Chris: My family - my family helps me manage my taxes, and I don't have that much uh, income to tax.

Clyde: But either way- but when your parents are gone who's gonna help you do the taxes?

Chris: [stress sigh] I'll worry about that when that- when I cross that bridge.

Clyde: God- oh come- you have to know now, you're 26 years old, you musta paid taxes a couple times. You gotta figure that out, man.

Chris: I paid sales tax.

Clyde: [sigh] Chris, you have a credit card right. So how- how- how much debt do you have on that card?

Chris: I take- I plead the fifth.

Clyde: You plead the fifth? Ohhh, come on, Julie has to know about your financial situation.

Chris: If Julie wants to know she and I can dis- discuss it in private. We don't need you to uh-

Julie: Chris...Clyde does have somewhat of a point. I am kind of worried about... the future.

Clyde: I'm just trying to help here. If you two went on your crazy ass marriage you two would have been divorced in a month. I'm trying to goddamn help. You better answer me.

Chris: Fine, I have a huge credit card debt.

Clyde: Well how much? I would like to quantify this so I can do some calculations.

Chris: Hmm...nearly 2K.

Clyde: Ugh, man. And you said you had a savings of one hundred? That leaves you with one thousand, nine hundred. To start a marriage with. You are screwed!

Chris: No, I pay it off in monthly payments.

Clyde: And how long, do you think it will take you to pay it off?

Chris: Due time.

Clyde: It's going to take you years to pay that off. Tell me, how much do you pay off each month?

Chris: I pay off about a hundred each month.

Clyde: You do know that's compound with interest, right?

Chris: Yeah.

Clyde: It's going to take you ten years to pay that off if you keep doing minimum payments.

Chris: [stress sigh]

Clyde: What-what is your credit score?

Chris: I don't know my credit score.

Clyde: You should look that up. You get for free, once a year, from three different companies. You should get it and report back to me, okay? Because Julie doesn't understand this, but I do, and I can help you with this. I'm just trying to goddamn help you. Don't take this as an insult, but if you want your marriage ruined, fine.

Chris: Well Clyde, I'll tell you what. If you wanna help me, you can come see me in person and we can talk about this.

Julie: Chris, can I say something?

Chris: Yes Julie?

Julie: You could try getting a job. That could also help, when we do get married.

Chris: Yeah, well, when the time comes and I decide-and uh, and ah-when the decision comes that I'll have to get a job then I will.

Julie: Alright, thank you.

Clyde: But you don't have any capital now! You don't have any money now!

Chris: Clyde, you've done enough.

Clyde: Really? That's just the tip of the iceberg. I mean, what-what's the-can you even cook?

Chris: Yes, I can.

Clyde: What can you cook?

Chris: I can cook anything that's within my cookbook.

Clyde: What is your favorite thing to cook for Julie. I'm sure she'd love to know.

Chris: A good chicken noodle soup.

Clyde: Fantastic. Doesn't that sound delicious, Julie?

Julie: [on the brink of tears] It could be...I don't know!

Chris: Julie don't listen to-Julie don't listen to Clyde.

Clyde: She's not worried about me, she's worried about your future.

Chris: Julie, you don't have to worry, we'll work it out!

Julie: But Chris, I am worried!

Clyde: And another thing, Chris. How much fast food do you eat goddamn!

Julie: Chris, can I suggest something?

Chris: Yeah?

Julie: You could better yourself, you could take...lessons and you could get a really high paying job. I just wanna suggest that cause I'm really...I will admit, I am worried about the future, I'm sorry.

Chris: Julie, I understand your concern. And you don't have to worry, I'll get myself a jo-I'll get a-I'll get myself a job soon enough, I'll would like it-I would appreciate it if you would still have faith in me and have faith in the future.

Julie: Alright, I'm still somewhat unsure...

Clyde: [talking over Julie] You're going to have faith when you don't see any action?

Julie: ...but, I can. But Chris, what job will you get?

Chris: Hmm, I tried to, uh, get best job there is available around here, that I could get from, umm, from my previous experiences at least and my CADD degrees and whatnot.

Julie: Oh, okay.

Clyde: You haven't looked, have you? You're lying, aren't you?

Chris: You're right, I haven't looked, but that doesn't mean I can't start looking so I can start looking!

Julie: Chris, I've-I've been thinking, and I think Clyde really is trying to help us. You need to help Clyde help us, do you know what I mean?

Clyde: You have been lying to Julie about looking for a job? Christ Almighty, how much have you lied to her?

Chris: But, Clyde, I'm willing to accept your help, but you do not need to be having such an insultive tone that you're giving off.

Clyde: Chris, there's a reason why I do this. I am the last resort, okay? I am the last chance for you to salvage any type of relationship with any woman. Y'know, you can sweet talk a woman, you can sweet talk any of your Sonichu Girls, but you know what? Within a month, you'll be divorced by Every. Single. One.

Chris: I did-that doesn't mean-I mean I never said that we'd have to get married right away, I never said that.

Clyde: Even then when you two are living together-it's not about marriage, it's about being together, even.

[long pause]

Chris: Well like I said when the time comes I'll deal with it at my own pace, but, y'know right now I can and I promised Julie that I will-

Clyde: Don't deal it at your pace, deal it at your relationship's pace. AKA, you and Julie. Don't be selfish.

Julie: Chris, I've been doing some research in Christianity. Isn't that what you said you had-what you followed?

Chris: Yeah.

Julie: And I read it, and apparently there's no sex before marriage, it's God's way.

Chris: Well, actually, uh, actually, under the Methodist faith, it's-uh, it's okay.

Julie: Alright, but I'm still wondering. It is God's way, maybe, wait who is it?

Chris: It's-uh it's okay Julie. Julie, I tried-

Julie: No! How is it alright, though?

Chris: As long as you and I and we love each other truly.

Julie: Hnm.

Clyde: Okay. Okay, okay, I got another question. What- How much- What kind of, I mean, do you cook for yourself? Every week? Or you do go out for fast-food or something.

Chris: I cook myself- for myself the majority of the week.

[pause]

Julie: Hnmm. Chris, what do you make?

Clyde: Or do you just go out to eat?

Chris: I did not go out to eat every day of the week, Clyde.

Clyde: But how often?

Chris: I'd say probably 2 or 3- 2 or 3 meals out of the week.

Clyde: So the rest of the time, you cook. Right?

Chris: Yeah.

Clyde: Wha- what, so? What do you cook? For yourself, that is.

Chris: I cook for myself a lot of things.

Clyde: Like what? I mean, Julie would love to know what you can cook, so she have uh, you know, feeling what her diet might be.

Julie: Yes, what do you make for yourself? I don't mean to side with Clyde, but, what do you make for yourself?

Chris: I make uh, I make myself some veget- some vegetables and uh, meat, some soups... depends on what I have with me after shopping has happened.

Clyde: You cook for your parents, then, right?

Chris: No, my parents, they pretty much take care of themselves.

Clyde: That's...kinda selfish that you don't cook for them. I mean, your living with them.

Chris: Well, they have their- they live on two separated- their downstairs and I'm upstairs.

Clyde: Goddamn, I mean, you just, move out! I mean, Christ. Julie would- Julie, do you feel confortable with Chris's parents-

Chris: I'd like to move out but it's kinda hard for me to know my destination, and I'm not sure what my destination would be when I move out. At this time. But uh, after Julie, after Julie moves here and finds her apartment, I'm willing to move out of my house and move in with her.

Clyde: And how much do you think you gonna support Julie? I mean, you said you gonna be the house husband, right?

Chris: Yeah.

Clyde: So why isn't YOU looking for the house and not her?

Chris: I'll wait- I'll wait for Julie to come here and she and I can go looking together.

Julie: ...Chris? Can I tell you something, Chris?

Chris: Yeah.

Julie: I did some math, and 800 dollars a month is not only—interrupted by Windows bleeps—part-time and the family is more than that.

Chris: Uh...by the family, you mean, you and me?

Julie: I believe so, yes.

Chris: ...Yeah. *sigh* Alright, well, yeah, well, I will definitely work into finding a job. I promise you, Julie.

Julie: I am not sure if I can get many jobs, you know, as I am considered immigrant.

Chris: Yeah I understand. I'll look for it. I'll look for work.

Julie: Thank you, Chris.

Clyde: And what you gonna look for?

Chris: *big sigh* Depends on uh, who's hiring around here and what I can find avaliable to me that's, uh works with my abilities.

Julie: Chris, you should try and get one now, so you could help saving money for renting day.

Chris: I will think about that.

Clyde: I mean what kind of position are you looking for?

Chris: Can't say right now, because... just came- this whole- this just came with the spur of the moment.

Clyde: I mean, you gotta look for a dream job or something, right?

Chris: *sigh* I never had a dream job.

Clyde: He's never had... you've never even thought about getting that perfect job- ever?

Chris: I just never had, just never had a job occurred in a dream.

Clyde: I don't mean literally! It just means something that you would like to do for the rest of your life.

Chris: Well, when it comes to work, I'm just not short- I'm just not sure.

Julie: -worried.

Chris: Aww. But Julie, Julie, for the best of abilities I'm willing to uh, go out and work and find something that I can do. I mean, even- even if it's an office job.

Julie: Uh...

Clyde: What do you do everyday, Chris? What you do? I mean, you don't have a job, you play videogames, what else do you do?

Chris: *SIGH* I do a lot, I dot a lot of things everyday.

Clyde: That was not specific enough. I want to know how you do your time management--

[weird noises]

Chris: Well because currently I am without a job- because currently, without a job, it's kind of- it's kinda varies from day to day. But I am willing to get a job and make it more solid for the day-to-day of my future.

Clyde: I mean, you- what do you do at home, do you just sit there? Hoping money is going to fly to you or something?

Chris: No.

Clyde: Then, what do you do?

Chris: I do a lot of creative things, like- yeah, yesterday I cleaned up my room.

Julie: Actually, Chris, what do you do everyday? I'm wondering.

[awkward silence]

Julie: ...Chris?

Chris: I am, yeah, I'm just thinking.

[more silence]

Chris: Mostly I'm creative. But I have things to do everyday.

Clyde: You're not being specific enough, you're just saying I have things. What? Do you just jack-off all day?

Chris: NO!

Clyde: Well, what do you do?

Chris: Right now I don't have a very solid schedule, like you know, what I do on a day-to-day basis.

Clyde: I mean, you could at least gone to school and, you know, get something.

Chris: I did go to school and I did get something...

Clyde: Go to school again.

Chris: ...and I'm willing to get a job and—I'm willing to get a job based on what I have learned from my school days.

Julie: Hey Chris? Chris? Chris, can I say something?

Chris: Yeah.

Julie: As long you're on your free time, you should really try to work more on you comic and make as much money as you can, because that's kinda is your job, at least right now.

Chris: Yeah. It is.

Julie: So can you work harder on the comic?

Clyde: *laugh* You fail at that, the only thing with your time it's make those Sonichu comics and you can only pop one out every four months, having my brother- GODDAMN YOU CHRIS.

Chris: Julie, I promise to work harder and more swifting on my comics.

Julie: Alright, thank you.

Chris: I will- I'm gonna- I gonna heel now I'll talk to you later, Julie.

Clyde: Just another of my goddamn words, Chris.

Julie: Chris, one last thing?

Chris: Yeah?

Julie: About the comics, you should try and get one of these monthly or at least bi-monthly.

Chris: Yeah.

Clyde: And how you're gonna make money with that? You're just wasting your time.

Julie: Wait, Chris

Chris: Uh?

Julie: Are you still gonna play burnout?

Chris: Tonight, yeah.

Julie: We are-

Clyde: And that's what you do with your spare time, play Burnout. Ha ha ha.

Chris: CLYDE, SHUT UP. I'll talk to you later, Julie.

Julie: Okay, I'll turn on my PS3.

Chris: Ich baan schwill, Julie.

Julie: Okay. Ich bin schwul.

[Chris disconnects]

Clyde: SKAJSHRLA oh-

Bluespike: Haha! Oh! He said I'm gay What a faggot! Did y'all hear that? Chris is gay! He says so himself!

[Trolls talk over each other]

Troll: You actually got him to say it!

Troll: But you said it as well, so I don't know, man...

Bluespike: Oh oh. You're right. STAY ST-RAIGHT.

Troll: Goddamnit Bluespike, you wanna play videogame-

[random shit]

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