Mary Lee Walsh

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You're not gonna get a Girlfriend, this way or any way.
Mary, as quoted by Chris.
Mary Lee Walsh, as she appears in the comic (and in CWCipedia). Chris draws her tits almost as big as his fans do.

Mary Lee Walsh is a proto-troll who thwarted Chris's Love Quest by ripping up his Attraction Sign and suspending him from Piedmont Virginia Community College. She is one of the most important people in Chris's history, as she is one of the few people who saw through Chris's autistic bullshit and tried to make him act like a normal human being.

The resulting conflict between Chris and Mary Lee affected Chris so profoundly that she became the sole focus of many early Sonichu Sub-Episodes. Even to this day, she is still the one of the chief villains in the Sonichu series, a status that even Clyde Cash and Liquid Chris could never match. As such, she is revered and cherished among trolls for her actions, both in real life, and in Sonichu fanfic. All hail the Dean!

By early 2009, Chris had begun to express a desire for reconciliation with Walsh, beginning with his retcon of the fictional Mary's name to the slightly less defamatory Slaweel Ryam. For the next several months Chris made conciliatory gestures, including a drawing sent to her house, to which she responded with a legal summons. Since then, Chris has accepted that Walsh will never be able to truly earn his forgiveness.

Mary Lee Walsh in real life

Contrary to how she is rendered in various media, Mary Lee Walsh is not very attractive in person.

Walsh is the Dean of Student Affairs at the PVCC and a member of the Virginia Sexual and Domestic Violence Action Alliance (srsly[1]). In the past, Chris had been scolded by her for passing around photocopies of his Sonichu's News Dash newsletter, and she finally delivered the crushing blow when Chris was loitering with his usual attraction sign. According to Chris Walsh tore down his sign and told him that he would never get a girlfriend this way, or indeed at all.

Chris, being the narcissist he is, disregarded her warnings and continued to place ads for his "love quest" all over the PVCC campus. Walsh, most likely pissed off that this retard kept defying her authority, took Chris to her office to discuss the situation with him. After what Chris described as being "talked RUDELY AND HOARSELY," he attacked her in a fit of tard rage. This resulted in a year-long expulsion from PVCC. He was forced to take anger management classes and get psychiatric help before he was readmitted.[2]


So, as of August, Y2K3, I did the most logical, sensible and inexpensive idea I could think of, I made a simple sign that stated, "I am a 21-year old and Single Male Seeking and 18-21-year old SINGLE FEMALE COMPANION", along with a basic description of qualities I felt were best suited, due to the fact that it describe MOST every Boyfriend-Free, 18-21year old Girl. Sadly though, not a single one even gave me a glanced, a momentary pause or even an excuse-making throat clearing to read the sign or give me the time of day. And the few who noticed... That EVIL WITCH OF THE PrivateVilla of Corrupted Citizens, Mary Lee Walsh, a bunch of Non-Blue or Black impersonating JERKOPS, Manajerks and every other (only a few total) son/daughter of a #@&*.. MOCKED ME AND EVEN CRUMBLED MY EFFORTS AND THREW THEM INTO MY FACE! IT WAS SERIOUS HEART-SHATTERING INSULTS LIKE THAT WHICH LITERALLY SHATTERED MY HEART TO ALMOST NOTHING AND MURDERED MY SOUL! Like as if I didn't already understand that Love Can't be Hurried; but they ALL left a HUGE IMPRESSION among the general population that having a Sweetheart was ILLEGAL IN VIRGINIA thus, "VIRGINIA IS FOR VIRGINS, NOT LOVERS!" was what I had thought for a long time with the Dark Forces that were forced into me, bedding with my torturing past with the jerks of the Greene County School System during the childhood years of my life. Thank God for blessing me with many happy years at Providence Middle School and Manchester High School in Chesterfield; rounding my feelings and attitude out for today.

Emails with Mary

Sent: Sunday, February 01, 2004 1:22 PM
Subject: Hi again...

Mary, I've slept on it, and I have realized that note-hanging is not the way to get attention. And I don't really want to meet with either you nor Susan, no offense. I'll tell you what, let's forget the meeting, and if you will allow my newsletter to stay in distribution, I will do all of the following:

-I will never hang notes on the wall again.
-I'll consider stopping my Silent Treatment on Susan.
-I'll consider knocking you and Susan up my scale of Respect each by 2 points (0=No Respect...10=Respect).

Please reply via E-Mail.

Christian C.

From: Mary Lee Walsh <>
Sent: Tue, 3 Feb 2004 8:54 am
Subject: RE: Hi again...


Susan Hannifan and I will be able to meet with you on Monday February 9th in my office at 3:00 p.m. I do not have any time this week that works with all of our schedules, so it will have to be next Monday. I normally send students notice of appointments by mail, but you have asked that I correspond to you through email. It is necessary that this meeting take place, so if Monday is not convenient for you please let me know and we will set a time for Wednesday.

Sent: Wed, 21 Feb 2007 3:32:50 PM Eastern Standard Time
Subject: Re: Hello

Hey, Mrs. Sanford (or should I say Ginny or Virginia ), I am delighted to hear from you as well. And It is also good to know that you are still residing at that address. The DVD is under production, to be completed a few days after February 24, 2007 (my 25th Birthday...Yay).

You may be able to help me in a portion of it now; there will be a Slideshow (projected from my PlayStation Portable) featuring not only pics of me growing up, but the friends, teachers and relatives I've known and remembered (either from heart, like yourself, as well as yearbook signatures). Anyway, do you remember from the ol' class, Sarah and Micha (the blonde girl with glasses, and the slow-talking african american who Ms. Eckel told over and over to get his dad to teach him how to shave)? I remembered both of them from heart, but unfortunately I don't remember their last names, so it's harder to find them in the yearbooks; could you tell me their last names, please?

As for what had happened during PVCC, in a nutshell; about Mid-Summer, 2003, I've realize upon revolation[sic] that I needed a girl friend to make into a Sweetheart from the Ground-Up, so with a sign (which I've later realized that it made me look slow-minded; the "R" Word), I've started my Enduring Love Quest. The Dean of Student Serveces[sic], Mary Lee Walsh came out and tore my sign up right in front of me, and said, "You're not gonna get a Girlfriend this way or any way." That *&^%$ SHATTERED MY HEART AND MURDERED MY SOUL. And it wasn't just her, the Policemen Imposters in Brown, White and Red, AKA The Jerkops (Blue and Black ARE the TRUE POLICE SOLDIERS) also seriously indented the impression that "Virgina is for Virgins, NOT Lovers".

But it has a happy ending; in Mid-2005, when I've started playing the Yu-Gi-Oh TCG, I met this girl who upon numerous conversations, art-sharing and secret confidence, I've grown fond of, and my Heart and Soul Recovered from the Serious Emotional and Physical Pain I've endured. Although she's not intrested[sic] in a serious relationship, I still am fond of her, and I'm hoping that she may have a change of heart.

You may learn more about what had happened to me from the Sub-Episodes in my "Sonichu" Comic Book, which I have the legable [sic] images uploaded onto my CWC's Sonichu Site!; those Sub-Episodes are based on my Real-Life Events. *sigh*

Well, that's about it for now; I hope you do well as well. And I will make that DVD copy for you after I've finalized the master copy. Please tell the remaing[sic] faculty who are still working at Providence that I wish them the best as well. I still remember Mrs. Rogers (my ol' computer teacher) when she played as Woodstock in the 1996 "Snoopy" play; that was just fun and cute. :)

Take care; Christian Weston Chandler, A.K.A. (nickname) Chris Chan.

Mary Lee Walsh in Sonichu

Despite the fact that Chris hates Mary Lee Walsh, this didn't stop him from picking up his markers and making hideous porn of her.

Because of all the stress Mary Lee Walsh caused, Chris obsessed over his HEART-SHATTERING defeat and had to re-invent the entire scenario so that he came out as the victor. Chris began to turn her into a villain in his mind, envisioning himself as a conquering hero. Walsh begins to appear in a lot of Chris's works as the ever-present antagonist opposing his Love Quest.

After the first encounter with Mary, I put her into my comics from the start as MY personal MAIN Adversary, with her hoard[sic] of Impostor Police People, also known as Jerkops, and the Notorious Count Graduon trapped in the glass orb on the scepter she wields.
Chris, failing to remember that the comic series was supposed to be about Sonichu, not him

In the comics, Walsh appears as a literal witch, complete with a broomstick, sinister grin and pitchfork. In a witty parody, she is the leader of the Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens, or PVCC. She is motivated by a hatred of true love and people who seek it, making her a fitting adversary for the heartsick Chris and the deeply monogamous Sonichu. As the "witch of hearts," Walsh's broader goal is to wage war against love itself, although her only real tactic is send jerkops into CWCville to beat up anyone engaging in romance. For some reason, she considers cock-blocking Chris to be of vital importance to her goals, even though Chris does a pretty good job of that himself.

Mary's first appearances in the comics are in Sonichu #0, via a brief preview and several short comic strips that don't formally introduce her; her formal debut in the canon is in Sonichu #2. Curiously, Chris and Mary are already bitter enemies, and Chris never explains the exact source of their hostility beyond stating that she once shattered his heart and she is frustrated by his dogged persistence in searching for love. It is, however, made immediately clear that their feud has become intensely personal; both characters are fully prepared to fight to the death.

In Sonichu #2 Chris ties together the ancient evil of the Anchuent Prophecy with his own petty grudges by teaming Mary with Count Graduon. Imprisoned in a magical scepter, Graduon's power is wielded by Walsh for much of the series. Together, Graduon and Walsh seem to represent all of Chris's misgivings about adult life--the trauma of graduating his beloved high school and the stress of his collegiate career. However, in Sonichu #3 Chris also gains the powers of Chris-chan Sonichu, escalating the battle between a chubby virgin and a old lady to an epic struggle between a ridiculous Sonic recolor and an old lady with a scepter.

During her reign of terror Walsh threatened the city of CWCville on multiple occasions. In Sonichu #2, she and Graduon create a golem to stomp the city. Much of the action in Sonichu #4 involves Chris fending off Walsh's agents, until he and Crystal finally storm PVCC and liberate the college from her evil. (Mary simply relocates to Menchi-Nasu High to establish a new base of operations.) In Sonichu #5 she floods the town with her army of Jerkops to stage a coup against Chris and his loyal police force. When this plan begins to collapse she and Graduon attempt to trap Chris in a Dark Mirror Hole, but are only successful in ensnaring his Crystal. When Chris later became stuck in the Time Void in Sonichu #7 , Mary seized the opportunity and prepared to attack CWCville in her most audacious invasion yet, laying siege with vast armies of Decepticlones in Sonichu #9 and causing untold damage before being defeated by Sonichu. Her evil was finally put to an end in Sonichu #10 when Chris used the power of the Sonichu Balls to become Collosal Chris-Chan. He then destroyed Graduon's scepter and easily overpowered her, leaving her paralyzed before sending her to prison.

A consistent theme in Mary's story arc is she is to blame for everything. Just as, in real life, Chris believed that Walsh was somehow the singular author of all his misfortunes, in the comics Mary really is the one pulling all the strings. Virtually all of her Jerkops are simply victims of brainwashing. Many of her other followers show the potential for good, but she herself is beyond redemption. Even Count Graduon finds her to be selfish and wicked, thinking only of her petty squabbles with Chris and never about helping him get free from his scepter.

Renaming and retcons

Anyone but Hslaw Eel Yram!

As a result of the Miyamoto Saga, many characters based on real-life figures were renamed. In a remarkable display of subtlety, Mary Lee Walsh became "Slaweel Ryam" or "Slaweel the Witch". This is very subtle - as one can see, the name is not entirely backwards, and there are letters missing! No one will figure this out - especially when the notice regarding the name change, with old and new names, was posted prominently on the front page. Walsh being one of the primary villains in both the comic and real life, Chris obviously didn't want to change the name to an entirely unrecognizable form (that would require originality, which Chris obviously lacks). The name seems to be an evolution of "Hslaw Eel Yram", which was Chris's version of MLW in his custom Yu-Gi-Oh cards: in all likelihood, he had only used the "reverse code" as a means to insult Mary with the card without fear of getting in trouble if someone saw said card.

In August 2009, Chris put up a page on CWCipedia entitled 'TwoMarys' where he tried to explain the retconning of Mary Lee Walsh's name to Slaweel Ryam. Basically, the evil Mary Lee Walsh had been Slaweel all along, except Slaweel changed her name from Mary Lee Walsh to Slaweel Ryam later on, while the real Mary was innocent the whole time. This of course makes absolutely no sense as Chris has changed every instance of the "evil" Mary's name to Slaweel in the most recent edits of his comics, even during her introduction in Sonichu #0 where her character is introduced as "Slaweel the Witch" and not Mary Lee Walsh. Chris has essentially created a paradox in his comic's timeline - he's made a comic where Slaweel, caught by Chris and the police, apologizes to Mary for ruining her good name, but the way he's retconned it Slaweel hasn't really had a chance to ruin Mary's name in the first place. Another glaring contradiction is that Slaweel says in the apology comic that she's "sorry for using [Mary's] name in vain and when I constructed P.V.C.Citizens, and made [Mary] look a fool for about six years" but on the 'TwoMarys' page, this caption appears below a picture of Slaweel Ryam:

This Mary later changed her name to Slaweel Ryam, and she was creating witch brew during night hours and sharing them illegally with the bums outside of the building; she was fired from PVCC then went on to build PVCCitizens.
Chris, demonstrating his inability to create a cohesive plot.

Mary Lee Walsh in Soul Calibur

Main article: Soul Calibur

It is debatable whether or not Chris ever attempted to physically harm Mary Lee Walsh, but in a video he uploaded to YouTube, Chris lives out his fantasy of beating the tar out of Mrs. Walsh. Chris created himself and many other real life friends and enemies in the video game Soul Calibur III, so that he could take out his pent up rage in the most disturbing, passive-aggressive manner possible. It should be noted that Chris is terrible at Soul Calibur, and appears to struggle with defeating an AI-controlled Mary Lee Walsh on the easiest setting.

Possible reconciliation

Notice that Chris isn't sorry for the shit he did to warrant her anger, only that he let someone with her name run around. And why bother having two separate Mary Lee Walshes if he made her Slaweel?

Beyond his efforts to retcon the fictional Mary, Chris began reexamining Mary's value to society by describing her good works on CWCipedia to distinguish her from "Slaweel":

This Mary replaced the previous one in mid-2000; she has done a good job with her role as Dean of Student Services. She is Currently and To Be Respected with Open Kindness and Prosperity from ALL the Piedmont Virginia Commuinity College Students, Peers and Employees.
Chris, CWCipedia[3]

The article rambles on, strongly suggesting he used a quick Google search for "research", detailing this Mary's many achievements and services to the Piedmont Virginia Community College. However, the whole piece carries an insincere tone, suggesting Chris was compelled to recognize Mary as a real person as some sort of therapeutic measure. Keep in mind, however, that he doesn't acknowledge that the real woman he interacted with wasn't a horned-hat wearing witch; simply that this Mary Lee Walsh was replaced (in the real world) by a good duplicate. In a very sad way, Chris seems to find it easier to rewrite reality than his own fantasy world.

Mary was named on the CWCipedia Chris's first "Woman of The (ANY) Month to Respect with Authority and Kindness" for the month of August.[4]

In his edited version of the Encyclopedia Dramatica page, he clarifies that he forgave Mary Lee Walsh for her "past misdeeds" (even though Chris himself was entirely at fault in all of their encounters). According to his edits, he also hand-delivered a framed copy of his "apology" to her office, and she thanked him by telling his parents not to let their retard son on her campus anymore.

Apparently, Mary didn't give a shit and Chris was crushed.

Besides which, that b**** "Dean", Mary Lee Walsh, AFTER I personally went over and handed her a Framed Hand-Drawn Apology of my angst against her, SHE SENT ME A TRESPASSING NOTICE! While my family and I did NOT accept it, and sent it back to her, I must say that is one hell of a "Thank You" for going through the trouble and gas usage to Personally Apologize and Make Peace.
Chris, Mailbag 26[5]

Fan art

For some reason, Mary has become a frequent subject of pictures like this.

In Chris's artwork, Mary Lee Walsh has long gray hair and wears a golden helmet with red horns on it. However, Chris being Chris, he would often neglect to draw her hair (and her fingers, and her feet, and her nose...) at all. In the early days of his Encyclopedia Dramatica page it was inferred that Walsh's helmet was in fact a blonde bob cut, and the horns were growing out of her head like those of a devil. Additionally, once it became clear that Chris was viewing the page it became fashionable to mess with him by depicting Mary (whom he despised) as a sexy cartoon girl (which he was sure to fap to). As a result, the most influential depictions of Mary have been Rule 34 fan art, depicting her as a voluptuous blonde with devil horns (and occasionally a tail), wearing (at most) a skimpy purple miniskirt and thigh-high boots.

Here be DAT ASS. Mostly NSFW.


See also

CWCipedia logo.png
For Truth and Honesty, see the archived CWCipedia page on Mary Lee Walsh
Tired of "Good Fan Art"? Visit our constantly expanding Gallery of Evil Fan Art! There's even a whole section dedicated to Mary Lee Walsh!

External links