Difference between revisions of "Christian Weston Chandler"
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''Main article: [[Love Quest]]'' | ''Main article: [[Love Quest]]'' | ||
[[Image:0781-CWCspdbed.JPG|thumb|left|One of Chris's promotional images for his Love Quest. Many a woman have gouged their eyes out after seeing it.]] | |||
By Christian's own accounts he had never given serious thought to romance until [[2000s#2003|2003]], when he learned that [[Sarah Hammer]] had begun dating [[Wes Iseli]]. Whether this means that Chris had already developed a crush on Sarah prior to this unclear, but the discovery definitely [[heart level|shattered his heart]]. He commenced a Love Quest to find himself a girlfriend, but quickly found that, in a statistical improbability, every girl he talked to already had a boyfriend. Christian soon became neurotic about "the [[Infinitely-High Boyfriend-Factor]]" and began employing various bizarre methods to attract women without approaching them or speaking to them. | By Christian's own accounts he had never given serious thought to romance until [[2000s#2003|2003]], when he learned that [[Sarah Hammer]] had begun dating [[Wes Iseli]]. Whether this means that Chris had already developed a crush on Sarah prior to this unclear, but the discovery definitely [[heart level|shattered his heart]]. He commenced a Love Quest to find himself a girlfriend, but quickly found that, in a statistical improbability, every girl he talked to already had a boyfriend. Christian soon became neurotic about "the [[Infinitely-High Boyfriend-Factor]]" and began employing various bizarre methods to attract women without approaching them or speaking to them. | ||
Revision as of 07:39, 25 March 2009
Behold, the mistake of God. Christian Weston Chandler (born Christopher Weston Chandler, February 24, 1982) is a perverse, self-hating gay, overweight, narcissistic, "high-functioning autistic" virgin man-child, and creator of Sonichu, a brilliant crossover of Sonic the Hedgehog and Pikachu starring in his own self-titled online comic book.
Christian goes by many names, including "Chris-Chan," "Christopher Christian Weston Chandler," and simply "Chris." He is unusually proud of his initials, "C.W.C.," and often incorporates them into his creations and various puns on the word "quick."
His entire adult life has been largely defined by his goal of developing Sonichu into a hit video game franchise and his Love Quest to obtain a "Boyfriend-Free, 18-(my current age)-year old, caring, smoke-free, non-alcoholic white girl" to make into a "Sweetheart from the Ground-Up."
In late 2007 Christian became internet famous when he caught the attention of 4chan and Encyclopedia Dramatica. The initial fascination was spurred on by his willingness to wear a homemade Sonichu medallion in public; his laughably childlike artwork about his unoriginal Sonic recolor; and his history of loitering in public places while literally holding up a sign asking women to talk to him. Christian's reaction to the ensuing mockery led to even greater scrutiny of his life, revealing still more disturbing facts about him. Yes, it gets far worse, my friends...
Overview
See also Chris and religion, Chris and sex, and Chris and the Law
Christian is a timid, self-absorbed little man who has been allowed--by his parents and/or his autism--to eternally live like a child, amassing toys and video games into a single bedroom in his parents' house. Now in his late-twenties, he is so comfortable in his pitiful existence that he refuses to conform to the rules of society, such as "you have to bathe regularly" and "you can't sit in a store all day waiting for people to talk to you" and "if you keep shitting your pants you should be more careful when you think you're just going to fart." Although the public school system forced society and Chris to put up with one another, he is now free to stay indoors and not do anything he doesn't want to do. Accordingly, Chris has never held a steady job or had any meaningful relationship with a woman.
Chris is obsessed with his character Sonichu, to the point that he hand-crafted several medallions in the shape of Sonichu and related characters. Since the creation of the original Sonichu medallion, Chris has very rarely been seen or photographed without one of these totems hanging around his neck. He even wore a medallion in his drivers' license photo. It's possible he takes them to funerals. He is absolutely convinced that everyone wants to learn all about Sonichu, and that the only reason Nintendo, Sega, and Sony haven't approached him about making Sonichu games is that they're trying to be tough negotiators.
Christian cannot draw. At all. Every single person on the planet could draw better at age seven than Chris could at age 23, when the hand-drawn premiere issue of Sonichu was released. What makes it even funnier is that his art is the closest thing he has to an actual talent.
He is the dangerous combination of the emotional maturity of a six-year-old and the sexual maturity of a young adult male, and as a result he has little understanding or appreciation of women. Chris sees all women as little more than people who could potentially provide for him emotionally, sexually, and financially. It appears that everything he knows about sex has been learned from high school sex education and pornography. Chris always believes he knows more about sex (and women) than whoever he is talking to (such as women), which inevitably results in hilarity.
Early Life
Not all that much is known about Shotachris, aside from a few vague anecdotes he has told on the YouTube. He claims his first word "monkey" was spoken at a very early age, and he remains oddly proud of this well into his twenties. Christian's accounts of the onset of his autism are unclear, but he has blamed the condition on an abusive babysitter locking him in a room full of toys at an early age. (Ironically he now locks himself a room full of toys.) For much of his early childhood, he did not speak at all. During the 1980s Christian was playmates with Sarah Hammer.
The details of the Chandler family's dispute with Nathanael Greene Elementary School are unclear beyond what little Christian is willing to say about them. He has said he was forceably restrained by the school's faculty, and that he was made to sit on the lap of the principal. By 1990 he was pulled out of the school altogether by his parents. It is possible Chris's opinions about these events are colored more by his parents' attitudes than his own memories. In any event, today Chris seems confident that he was abused at this school. (The possibility of sexual abuse--real or imagined--is more difficult to determine, given his reluctance to discuss such topics.) He would be home-schooled by his mother until the sixth grade.
Chris, back when he had innocence
Chris, age 3.
Chris at his 5th birthday.
Chris's taste in clown shirts begins...
Chris, age 9.
Super Sonic Winner
Main article: Sonic the Hedgehog Watch & Win Sweepstakes
At age eleven Christian entered the Sonic the Hedgehog Watch & Win Sweepstakes, which he subsequently won. On his twelfth birthday he enjoyed a $1000 shopping spree as his prize. Local news coverage (it must have a been a really shitty news day) of the event focused on Chris's autism, regarding the contest win as a more worthy accomplishment due to his mental condition. Chris had already put footage from this newscast on YouTube long before he was known to Encyclopedia Dramatica; it remains the most solid evidence that he is not some elaborate troll.
The entire incident is often cited as the beginning of Christian leveraging his autism for special treatment and his fascination with toys and video games at the expense of maturity. On a superficial level, this would lead Chris to constantly enter contests in hopes of winning big (and become infuriated when he loses).
Adolescence
This period of Chris's life is slightly clearer. Much of his time was spent playing video games at home, reading R.L. Stine, hanging out with his "gal-pals" and with his "friend" Joseph Herring at school. Chris was also asked to be the water-boy for his high school basketball team during his freshman year.[1] It was at this time that his "creative talents" were put to use, as he invented Bionic the Hedgehog and eventually Sonichu during his high school years.[2] Otherwise, his time at Manchester High was mostly uneventful. He left school with honor roll and the true source of his powers, his high school ring.
He also cried like a little bitch during his graduation because the art award he wanted was given to someone else. Chris thought he deserved the award more than anyone else because he worked on it SO HARD in spite of his autism.[3] Another reason for his crying was the fact he had to grow up and start acting like an adult.[4] Chris ruined everyone's graduation at Manchester High that day because he's a selfish queef.
Chris's (non)award winning art work
This should win a prize.
Not creepy.
Chris's Like Like.
Chris relaxing. Not scary at all.
Uh...
Chris calls this his "leather face." Apparently, he's never seen "Texas Chainsaw Massacre."
This plate helps you lose weight - look at it and you'll want to vomit.
You put this over your door to keep away would be thieves.
Piedmont Virginia Community College
Christian's inability to cope with life after high school was probably eased by his entry into community college, where he took courses in Computer Aided Design and Drafting. He also began putting great emphasis on Sonichu, launching a retarded newsletter and circulating it on the PVCC campus. Over time, he began losing touch with his gal-pals from high school, and presumably found the junior college crowd less willing to humor him and his bullshit.
Love Quest
Main article: Love Quest
By Christian's own accounts he had never given serious thought to romance until 2003, when he learned that Sarah Hammer had begun dating Wes Iseli. Whether this means that Chris had already developed a crush on Sarah prior to this unclear, but the discovery definitely shattered his heart. He commenced a Love Quest to find himself a girlfriend, but quickly found that, in a statistical improbability, every girl he talked to already had a boyfriend. Christian soon became neurotic about "the Infinitely-High Boyfriend-Factor" and began employing various bizarre methods to attract women without approaching them or speaking to them.
Chris's most celebrated technique was to sit in one place (or pace back and forth) for hours, while holding a sign that read "I am a (my age then)-Year Old, Single Male, seeking an 18-(my age then)-Year Old, Single Female Companion." Amazingly, this strategy accomplished nothing except to get him in trouble with various authority figures who believed he was loitering and/or soliciting sex. One particular incident, in which PVCC dean Mary Lee Walsh confronted Chris and tore up his sign, left him especially traumatized, causing him to swear revenge.
Sonichu
Main article: Sonichu (comic)
It was during the Love Quest that Chris was inspired to launch Sonichu (comic), a comic book series featuring his Electric-Hedgehog Pokemon. Ostensibly, the comic was intended to raise awareness of Christian's unbelievably original character, but within half an issue the storylines began to revolve around the frankly more compelling saga of Chris's own personal issues.
Megan
Main article: Megan Saga
By 2006 Chris had met Megan Schroeder, an unusual woman in that she was willing to talk to him for more than five minutes. The two quickly became close friends, although Megan claimed to have recently endured a bad breakup and refused to consider Chris's obvious romantic pursuits. Chris, being totally smooth with women due to countless hours of studying them in porn and anime, believed that the key to turning Megan's platonic feelings romantic was to make inappropriate advances toward her, until she had to tell him to stop touching her.
In the summer of 2007, Christian put it all on the line by entering the PaRappa the Rapper Contest so that he could win prizes and a trip for two to Seattle, with which he planned to finally score with Megan. The contest ended in disaster for Chris, as he lost to the dreaded Adam Stackhouse and finally learned that Megan wouldn't have gone with him on the trip even if he had won.
Discovery by Encyclopedia Dramatica
Main Article: Encyclopedia Dramatica
Chris' rare talent was discovered when he posted an anonymous picture of Sonichu on 4-cent garbage. It only took a quick Google of the name to discover the author, and Chris' miserable life was quickly spilled over ED in October, 2007. His life was never the same again.
Chris completely mishandled his reaction to ED, and began a series of videos demanding the removal of the article about him on the site. When ED suffered outages unrelated to his crusade, Christian took credit and declared victory, guaranteeing that he would be under constant fire from trolls for years to come. ED's abuse of Christian only moderately abated when the site's users began to fight amongst themselves about whether it was lulzy or faggy to continue harrassing him. The resulting schism led to the creation of CWCki, which only expanded coverage of Chris's hijinx.
Chris Today
See also Da update
Chris continues to live at home with his parents, living off the $700 monthly tugboat he receives from the federal government for his autism. He has grown increasingly withdrawn as trolls have tempted him with the slim hope that there is a vast Sonichu fan base full of pretty girls who want to have sex with him if he will only stick things up his ass and masturbate over the internet.
A chronological documentation of everything Chris has ever done
References
- ↑ Yep: I'm on TV. :) http://cogsdev.110mb.com/dvd/99.jpg
- ↑ Sonichu #7 pg. 22 http://cogsdev.110mb.com/sonichu/SchuComic8P12.htm
- ↑ Yep: I'm on TV. :) http://cogsdev.110mb.com/dvd/169.jpg
- ↑ Yep, I'm on TV. :) http://cogsdev.110mb.com/dvd/170.jpg
