Difference between revisions of "Christian Weston Chandler"
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Revision as of 01:43, 7 September 2009
This article is about Christian Weston Chandler, the Internet's favorite autistic manchild.
For Chris's fictionalized version of himself from the Sonichu comics, see Christian Weston Chandler (comic character).
For Chris's electric hedgehog alter ego, see Chris-Chan Sonichu.
For the time Chris temporarily gained weight and became stupid, see Sammy.
For the brown-striped impostor real Christian Weston Chandler, see CChanSonichuCWC.
Chris spent much of his time in high school playing video games at home, reading R.L. Stine, and hanging out with his "gal-pals" and "friend" at school. It was at this time that his "creative talents" were put to use, with the inventions of Bionic the Hedgehog and Sonichu.[1] Chris was on the honor roll and acquired the true source of his powers, his high school ring.
Chris cried like a little bitch during his graduation because the art award he wanted was given to someone else. Chris thought he deserved the award more than anyone else because he worked on it SO HARD in spite of his autism. Another reason for his crying was the fact he had to grow up and start acting like an adult.[2]
Since leaving high school and the happiest years of his life, Chris has been unable to progress mentally or personally at all, and remains trapped in a childish, Year 2000 time-warp, as he believes that it's what helped him attract females. That his high-school gal-pals have moved on and married real men with jobs is of little consequence to him.
| Chris's (non)award winning art work |
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Piedmont Virginia Community College
Chris's entry into community college probably eased his inability to cope with life after high school. He took courses in Computer Aided Drafting and Design and also began putting great emphasis on Sonichu, launching a retarded newsletter and circulating it on the PVCC campus. Over time, he began losing touch with his gal-pals from high school, and he presumably found the junior college crowd less willing to humor him and his bullshit.
Chris was kicked out of PVCC for one year by Mary Lee Walsh in 2004, although he eventually returned, obtaining an associate's degree in May 2006.
After college, Chris promptly dropped out of society, devoting his life to finding a boyfriend-free girl, drawing Sonichu, masturbating, and using his welfare money to buy video games and sex toys.
Love quest
Chris says he decided he needed a sweetheart in February 2003. Possibly driven by his discovery that Sarah Hammer had begun dating Wes Iseli, Chris started his Love Quest in earnest that summer. However, he quickly found that every girl he talked to had a boyfriend… allegedly. Chris soon became neurotic about the "Infinitely-High Boyfriend-Factor" and began employing various bizarre methods to attract women without approaching them or speaking to them.
Chris's most celebrated technique was to sit in one place (or pace back and forth) for hours, while holding a sign that read "I am a (my age then)-Year Old, Single Male, seeking an 18-(my age then)-Year Old, Single Female Companion." Amazingly, this strategy accomplished nothing except to get him in trouble with various authority figures who believed he was loitering and/or soliciting sex. Chris was particularly traumatized by a series of confrontations with Mary Lee Walsh over his attraction techniques, resulting in an ongoing, completely one-sided blood feud.
Sonichu
It was during the Love Quest that Chris was inspired to launch Sonichu, a comic book series featuring his Electric-Hedgehog Pokémon. Ostensibly, the comic was intended to raise awareness of Chris's unbelievably original character, but within half an issue, the storylines began to revolve around the frankly more compelling saga of Chris's own personal issues.
Megan
In 2005, Chris met Megan Schroeder, an unusual woman in that she was willing to talk to him for more than five minutes. The two quickly became close friends, although Megan claimed to have recently endured a bad break-up and refused to consider Chris's obvious romantic pursuits. Chris, being totally smooth with women due to countless hours of studying them in porn and animé, believed that the key to turning Megan's platonic feelings romantic was to make inappropriate advances toward her until she had to tell him to stop touching her.
In the summer of 2007, Chris put it all on the line by entering the PaRappa the Rapper Contest so that he could win prizes and a trip for two to Seattle, with which he planned to finally score with Megan. The contest ended in disaster for Chris, as he lost to the dreaded Adam Stackhouse and finally learned that Megan wouldn't have gone with him on the trip even if he had won.
Discovery by Encyclopedia Dramatica
Chris's rare talent was discovered when he posted an anonymous picture of Sonichu on 4-cent garbage. It only took a quick Google search of Chris’s name to discover the picture’s author, and Chris's miserable existence spilled over onto ED in October, 2007. His life was never the same again.
Chris completely mishandled his reaction to ED, beginning a series of videos demanding the removal of the article about him on the site. When ED suffered outages unrelated to this crusade, Chris took credit and declared victory, guaranteeing that he would be under constant fire from trolls for years to come. ED's abuse of Chris only moderately abated when the site's users began to fight amongst themselves about whether it was lulzy or faggy to continue harassing him. The resulting schism led to the creation of CWCki, which only expanded coverage of Chris's hijinks.
Chris today
- Main article: 2009
Chris continues to live at home with his parents, living off the $750[3] monthly tugboat he receives from the federal government for his autism. He has grown increasingly withdrawn, as trolls have tempted him with the slim hope that there is a vast Sonichu fan base full of pretty girls who want to have sex with him if he will only stick things up his ass and masturbate over the Internet.
See also
- Christian Weston Chandler (comic character), Chris's depiction of himself within his own comics.
- Scrapbook of Fail, a sampling of Chris's artistic masterworks
- Hundreds of personal photographs assembled for use in Chris's autobiographical DVD
- Chris-chan Sonichu, Chris's furry alter ego.
References
| Chris and... |
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