Difference between revisions of "Christian Weston Chandler"
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[[Image:093-CWCtoon.jpg|thumb|ORIGINAL IDENTITY. DO NOT [[Liquid Chris|STEAL]].]] | [[Image:093-CWCtoon.jpg|thumb|ORIGINAL IDENTITY. DO NOT [[Liquid Chris|STEAL]].]] | ||
'''Christian Weston Chandler''' (born '''Christopher Weston Chandler''' on 24 February [[1982]]) is a perverse, [[Chris and his Ego|narcissistic]], [[homos|homophobic]], [[Chris and sex|sexist]], [[niggos|racist]], overweight, delusional "[[autism|high-functioning autistic]]" [[virgin with rage|virgin]] man-child, and creator of [[Sonichu (character)|Sonichu]], a [[fail|brilliant]] crossover of [[Sonic the Hedgehog]] and [[Pikachu]] starring in his own self-titled [[Sonichu (comic)|online comic book]]. | |||
His adult life has been largely defined by his goal of developing ''Sonichu'' into a hit video game franchise and his [[Love Quest]] to obtain a "[[boyfriend-free girl|boyfriend-free]], 18-[''my current age'']-year old, caring, [[tobacky|smoke-free]], [[alcohol|non-alcoholic]] white girl" to make into a "[[sweetheart from the Ground-Up|sweetheart from the ground-up]]." | His adult life has been largely defined by his goal of developing ''Sonichu'' into a hit video game franchise and his [[Love Quest]] to obtain a "[[boyfriend-free girl|boyfriend-free]], 18-[''my current age'']-year old, caring, [[tobacky|smoke-free]], [[alcohol|non-alcoholic]] white girl" to make into a "[[sweetheart from the Ground-Up|sweetheart from the ground-up]]." | ||
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==Aliases== | ==Aliases== | ||
Much like the devil, Christian Weston Chandler goes by many names. He was born "Christopher Weston Chandler," but [[Christopher's name change|changed]] to "Christian" at the behest of the bear conductor. In either case, he answers to "Chris" and "Chris-Chan." Unusually Chris will often refer to himself by his full name, or for even greater accuracy "Christopher Christian Weston Chandler." He is unusually proud of his initials "CWC" and often incorporates them into his creations and various puns on the word "quick". | |||
[[Image:Ano de freshman.png|thumb|right|229px|"Freshman anus" — a prime example of Chris's mastery of the Spanish language. Presumably, he meant to write "año de freshman"; "freshman year".]] | |||
Chris took Spanish in high school and has since decided that his Spanish nickname is "Ricardo" — this is justified, as many high school classes will encourage the students to choose Spanish nicknames which may not always match the student's real name. Hence, when speaking or writing in Spanish he will refer to himself as "[[Ricardo Weston Chandler]]" or "RWC." At times he will literally announce himself as "'Christopher' Christian 'Ricardo' Weston Chandler," or variants thereof. | |||
He occasionally uses the names of his characters, most notably his evil twin, [[Reldnahc Notsew Naitsirhc]] and of course [[Sonichu (character)|Sonichu]]. In his comics, Chris has the ability to transform into a superheroic hedgehog himself, named [[Chris-Chan Sonichu]]. | |||
He occasionally uses the names of his characters, most notably his evil twin, [[Reldnahc Notsew Naitsirhc]] and of course [[Sonichu (character)|Sonichu]]. | |||
The only names commonly used to refer to Chris which he did not himself invent are "Chrissy" (popularized by [[Arjen Van Dierten]]) and [[Ian Brandon Anderson]] (popularized by [[CChanSonichuCWC]]). | The only names commonly used to refer to Chris which he did not himself invent are "Chrissy" (popularized by [[Arjen Van Dierten]]) and [[Ian Brandon Anderson]] (popularized by [[CChanSonichuCWC]]). | ||
==Overview== | ==Overview== | ||
{{main|Chris and sex|Chris and the Law|Chris and Health|Chris and Anger|Megan|Clyde Cash|CWC-ism|14 Branchland Court}} | {{main|Chris and sex|Chris and the Law|Chris and Health|Chris and Anger|Megan|Clyde Cash|CWC-ism|14 Branchland Court}} | ||
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Chris is a timid, self-absorbed little man who has been allowed—by his parents and/or his autism—to eternally live like a child, amassing toys and video games into a single bedroom in his parents' [[14 Branchland Court|house]]. Now approaching thirty, he is so comfortable in his pitiful existence that he refuses to conform to the rules of society, such as "you have to bathe regularly" and "you can't sit in a store all day waiting for people to talk to you" and "if you keep [[dirty crapped briefs|shitting your pants]] you should be more careful when you think you're just going to fart." Although the public school system forced society and Chris to put up with one another, Chris is now free to stay indoors and not do anything he doesn't want to do. Accordingly, Chris has never held a steady [[Wendy's|job]] or had any meaningful relationship with a woman (or hardly anyone, actually). | Chris is a timid, self-absorbed little man who has been allowed—by his parents and/or his autism—to eternally live like a child, amassing toys and video games into a single bedroom in his parents' [[14 Branchland Court|house]]. Now approaching thirty, he is so comfortable in his pitiful existence that he refuses to conform to the rules of society, such as "you have to bathe regularly" and "you can't sit in a store all day waiting for people to talk to you" and "if you keep [[dirty crapped briefs|shitting your pants]] you should be more careful when you think you're just going to fart." Although the public school system forced society and Chris to put up with one another, Chris is now free to stay indoors and not do anything he doesn't want to do. Accordingly, Chris has never held a steady [[Wendy's|job]] or had any meaningful relationship with a woman (or hardly anyone, actually). | ||
Chris is obsessed with his character | Chris is obsessed with his character Sonichu, to the point that he hand-crafted several [[medallions]] in the shape of Sonichu and related characters. Between February 2004 and March 2009, Chris was rarely seen or photographed without one of these totems, even wearing them in his [[:Image:License.jpg|driver's license photo]] and to his [[Piedmont Virginia Community College|college]] graduation. He is absolutely convinced that everyone wants to learn all about Sonichu, and that the only reason [[Nintendo]], Sega, and [[Sony]] haven't approached him about making Sonichu games is that they're trying to be tough negotiators. | ||
[[Image:Chris-Straw.jpg|thumb|left|Why do I get the feeling he wants to suck a [[duck]]?]] | [[Image:Chris-Straw.jpg|thumb|left|Why do I get the feeling he wants to suck a [[duck]]?]] | ||
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Chris cannot draw. At all. Every single person on the planet could draw better at age seven than Chris could at age 23, when the hand-drawn [[Sonichu 0|premiere issue]] of ''Sonichu'' was released. What makes it even funnier is that his art is the closest thing he has to an actual talent. | Chris cannot draw. At all. Every single person on the planet could draw better at age seven than Chris could at age 23, when the hand-drawn [[Sonichu 0|premiere issue]] of ''Sonichu'' was released. What makes it even funnier is that his art is the closest thing he has to an actual talent. | ||
Chris is the dangerous combination of the emotional maturity of a six-year-old and the sexual maturity of a young adult male, and as a result, he has little understanding or appreciation of women. | Chris is the dangerous combination of the emotional maturity of a six-year-old and the sexual maturity of a young adult male, and as a result, he has little understanding or appreciation of women. To him, all women as little more than objects that could potentially provide for him emotionally, sexually, and financially. It appears that everything he knows about sex has been learned from sex ed classes and porn. For some reason, he believes he knows more about sex and women than whoever he is talking to (such as women who have had sex), which inevitably results in hilarity. | ||
Chris absolutely hates [[homos|gay men]], and communicates this to such a degree that observers are easily convinced he's simply terrified of becoming gay himself. Surprisingly, this seems to have little basis in his religious beliefs, as he had not noticed Leviticus 18:22 condemns homosexuality until he saw it on a 2009 episode of ''[[Family Guy]]''. He cannot bear to look at another man's [[pickle|penis]], and he stares at [[Sailor Moon Poster of Fail|Sailor Moon]] to keep himself straight. Oh, he also [[recycling|swallows his own semen]] and [[Sports bra photo series|wears a bra]]. | Also, Chris absolutely hates [[homos|gay men]], and communicates this to such a degree that observers are easily convinced he's simply terrified of becoming gay himself. Surprisingly, this seems to have little basis in his religious beliefs, as he had not noticed Leviticus 18:22 condemns homosexuality until he saw it on a 2009 episode of ''[[Family Guy]]''. He cannot bear to look at another man's [[pickle|penis]], and he stares at [[Sailor Moon Poster of Fail|Sailor Moon]] to keep himself straight. Oh, he also [[recycling|swallows his own semen]] and [[Sports bra photo series|wears a bra]]. | ||
==Early life== | ==Early life== | ||
Chris claims his first word, "[[Fail|monkey]]," was spoken at 6 weeks old,<ref name="Wikipedia early">[[User:ChrisChanSonichu profile#His Early Years - Birth to 1992]]</ref> and he remains proud of this feat well into his twenties. | |||
Allegedly, an [[abusive babysitter]] who was alone with Christopher every day for years;<ref>[[:Image:Cole 07-03-06-3.PNG|6 March 2007 email from Cole to Chris, page 3]]</ref> locked him in a room<ref name="Wikipedia early" /> Chris apparently misses the irony in the fact the he now locks himself in a [[Chris's room|room]]. He identifies the locking as the source of his [[autism]]. Between the ages of one and seven, Chris did not speak at all, and had to attend [[James Madison University]] for speech therapy. | |||
Allegedly, an [[abusive babysitter]] who was alone with Christopher every day for years<ref>[[:Image:Cole 07-03-06-3.PNG|6 March 2007 email from Cole to Chris, page 3]]</ref> locked him in a room<ref name="Wikipedia early" /> | |||
During the [[1980s]], Christopher was playmates with [[Sarah Hammer]]. One day, she convinced him that [[Wikipedia:Casper the Friendly Ghost|Casper the Friendly Ghost]] lived in the crawlspace under her house, and when he crawled in there to look she locked him in,<ref>[[Chris + Sarah's Life-Shares#Memories of childhood|Chris + Sarah's Life-Shares, page 4]]</ref> beginning Chris's lifelong career of getting trolled. Apparently, he doesn't seem to show any hard feelings over it (possibly just because she's a girl), because if a boy did that to him, Chris would vow vengeance. | During the [[1980s]], Christopher was playmates with [[Sarah Hammer]]. One day, she convinced him that [[Wikipedia:Casper the Friendly Ghost|Casper the Friendly Ghost]] lived in the crawlspace under her house, and when he crawled in there to look she locked him in,<ref>[[Chris + Sarah's Life-Shares#Memories of childhood|Chris + Sarah's Life-Shares, page 4]]</ref> beginning Chris's lifelong career of getting trolled. Apparently, he doesn't seem to show any hard feelings over it (possibly just because she's a girl), because if a boy did that to him, Chris would vow vengeance. | ||
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In 1989, noted furry conductor Leonard Bearstein misheard Christopher's first name and called him "Christian", which convinced Christopher to later have his name [[Christopher's name change|legally changed]]. | In 1989, noted furry conductor Leonard Bearstein misheard Christopher's first name and called him "Christian", which convinced Christopher to later have his name [[Christopher's name change|legally changed]]. | ||
Chris spent the [[1990s|1990-1991]] school year in 4th grade at [[Nathanael Greene Elementary School]], until his parents pulled him out of classes over a mysterious dispute. Chris believes he was forcefully restrained by the school's faculty<ref>[[Captain's Log, Stardate November 7th, 2007]]</ref> and that he was made to sit on the lap of the [[Bruce Johnson|principal]], the latter being the cause for his | Chris spent the [[1990s|1990-1991]] school year in 4th grade at [[Nathanael Greene Elementary School]], until his parents pulled him out of classes over a mysterious dispute. Chris believes he was forcefully restrained by the school's faculty<ref>[[Captain's Log, Stardate November 7th, 2007]]</ref> and that he was made to sit on the lap of the [[Bruce Johnson|principal]], the latter being the cause for his homophobia. It’s possible that Chris's opinions about these events are colored more by his parents' attitudes than his own memories. The issue went to court, with Greene County seeking to have Chris institutionalized. Chris was home-schooled through 5th grade during these proceedings. When the family exhausted all legal recourse, Chris and his father relocated to [[Richmond]] so that Chris could continue his education under a different school system, starting with 6th grade in fall 1992.<ref name="Wikipedia early" /> | ||
<center><gallery> | <center><gallery> | ||
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{{main|Sonic the Hedgehog Watch & Win Sweepstakes}} | {{main|Sonic the Hedgehog Watch & Win Sweepstakes}} | ||
At age 11, Chris entered and won the [[Sonic the Hedgehog Watch & Win Sweepstakes]]. On his 12th birthday, he enjoyed a $1,000 shopping spree as his prize. Local news coverage of the event focused on Chris's autism, regarding the contest win as a more worthy accomplishment due to his mental condition. Chris put footage from this newscast on [[YouTube]] long before he was known to [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]], and it remains the most solid evidence that he is not some elaborate troll. | At age 11, Chris entered and won the [[Sonic the Hedgehog Watch & Win Sweepstakes]]. On his 12th birthday, he enjoyed a $1,000 shopping spree at Kay-Bee Toys as his prize. Local news coverage of the event focused on Chris's autism, regarding the contest win as a more worthy accomplishment due to his mental condition. Chris put footage from this newscast on [[YouTube]] long before he was known to [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]], and it remains the most solid evidence that he is not some elaborate troll. | ||
This incident is often cited as the beginning of Chris leveraging his autism for special treatment and his fascination with toys and video games at the expense of maturity. It has lead Chris to constantly enter contests in hopes of winning big (or else [[Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown|becoming infuriated]] when he loses). | This incident is often cited as the beginning of Chris leveraging his autism for special treatment and his fascination with toys and video games at the expense of maturity. It has lead Chris to constantly enter contests in hopes of winning big (or else [[Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown|becoming infuriated]] when he loses). | ||
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Chris spent much of his time in [[Manchester High School|high school]] playing video games at home, reading R.L. Stine, and hanging out with his "[[gal-pals]]" and "[[Joseph Herring|friend]]" at school. It was at this time that his "creative talents" were put to use, with the inventions of [[Bionic the Hedgehog]] and [[Sonichu (character)|Sonichu]].<ref>[[Sonichu 7]], [page 22 http://cogsdev.110mb.com/sonichu/SchuComic8P12.htm]</ref> Chris was on the [[honor roll]] and acquired the true source of his powers, his [[high school ring]]. | Chris spent much of his time in [[Manchester High School|high school]] playing video games at home, reading R.L. Stine, and hanging out with his "[[gal-pals]]" and "[[Joseph Herring|friend]]" at school. It was at this time that his "creative talents" were put to use, with the inventions of [[Bionic the Hedgehog]] and [[Sonichu (character)|Sonichu]].<ref>[[Sonichu 7]], [page 22 http://cogsdev.110mb.com/sonichu/SchuComic8P12.htm]</ref> Chris was on the [[honor roll]] and acquired the true source of his powers, his [[high school ring]]. | ||
Chris cried like a little bitch during his [[Manchester High School#Graduation|graduation]] | Because the art award he wanted was given to someone else, Chris cried like a little bitch during his [[Manchester High School#Graduation|graduation]]. He honestly thought he deserved the award more than anyone else because he worked on it ''so hard'' in spite of his autism. Another reason for his crying was the fact he had to grow up and start acting like an adult.<ref>[[:Image:0567-GraduationNote2.jpg|DVD, graduation note 2]]</ref> | ||
Since leaving high school and the happiest years of his life, Chris has been unable to progress mentally or personally at all, and remains trapped in a childish, Year 2000 time-warp, as he believes that it's what helped him attract females. That his high-school gal-pals have moved on and married real men with jobs is of little consequence to him. | Since leaving high school and the happiest years of his life, Chris has been unable to progress mentally or personally at all, and remains trapped in a childish, Year 2000 time-warp, as he believes that it's what helped him attract females. That his high-school gal-pals have moved on and married real men with jobs is of little consequence to him. | ||
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Image:475-RelaxingCWC1.JPG|Chris relaxing. Not scary at all. | Image:475-RelaxingCWC1.JPG|Chris relaxing. Not scary at all. | ||
Image:476-RelaxingCWC2.JPG|Uh... | Image:476-RelaxingCWC2.JPG|Uh... | ||
Image:471-ChristophersLeatherFace.JPG|Chris calls this his "leather face." Apparently, he's never seen "Texas Chainsaw Massacre. | Image:471-ChristophersLeatherFace.JPG|Chris calls this his "leather face." Apparently, he's never seen ''"Texas Chainsaw Massacre.'' | ||
Image:467-CWCPlate.JPG|This plate helps you lose weight - look at it and you'll want to vomit. | Image:467-CWCPlate.JPG|This plate helps you lose weight - look at it and you'll want to vomit. | ||
Image:doorfish.jpg|You put this over your door to keep away would be thieves. | Image:doorfish.jpg|You put this over your door to keep away would be thieves. | ||
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==[[Piedmont Virginia Community College]]== | ==[[Piedmont Virginia Community College]]== | ||
Chris's entry into community college probably eased his inability to cope with life after high school. He took courses in [[CADD|Computer Aided Drafting and Design]] and | Chris's entry into community college probably eased his inability to cope with life after high school. He took courses in [[CADD|Computer Aided Drafting and Design]] and began putting great emphasis on Sonichu, launching a [[Sonichu's News Dash|retarded newsletter]] and circulating it on the PVCC campus. Over time, he began losing touch with his gal-pals from high school, and he presumably found the junior college crowd less willing to humor him and his bullshit. | ||
Chris was kicked out of PVCC for one year by [[Mary Lee Walsh]] in 2004, although he eventually returned, obtaining an associate's degree in May 2006. | Chris was kicked out of PVCC for one year by [[Mary Lee Walsh]] in 2004, although he eventually returned, obtaining an associate's degree in May 2006. | ||
After college, Chris promptly dropped out of society, devoting his life to finding a [[boyfriend-free girl]], drawing ''[[Sonichu (comic)|Sonichu]]'', [[masturbation | After college, Chris promptly dropped out of society, devoting his life to finding a [[boyfriend-free girl]], drawing ''[[Sonichu (comic)|Sonichu]]'', [[masturbation]] and using his [[monthly tugboat|welfare money]] to buy video games and [[sex toys]]. | ||
==[[Love quest]]== | ==[[Love quest]]== | ||
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Chris says he decided he needed a [[sweetheart]] in February 2003. Possibly driven by his discovery that [[Sarah Hammer]] had begun dating [[Wes Iseli]], Chris started his Love Quest in earnest that summer. However, he quickly found that every girl he talked to had a boyfriend… allegedly. Chris soon became neurotic about the "[[Infinitely-High Boyfriend-Factor]]" and began employing various bizarre methods to attract women without approaching them or speaking to them. | Chris says he decided he needed a [[sweetheart]] in February 2003. Possibly driven by his discovery that [[Sarah Hammer]] had begun dating [[Wes Iseli]], Chris started his Love Quest in earnest that summer. However, he quickly found that every girl he talked to had a boyfriend… allegedly. Chris soon became neurotic about the "[[Infinitely-High Boyfriend-Factor]]" and began employing various bizarre methods to attract women without approaching them or speaking to them. | ||
Chris's most celebrated technique was to sit in one place (or pace back and forth) for hours, while holding a [[sign]] that read "I am a (my age then)-Year Old, Single Male, seeking an 18-(my age then)-Year Old, Single Female Companion." Amazingly, this strategy accomplished nothing except to get him in trouble with various authority figures who believed he was loitering and/or soliciting sex. Chris was particularly traumatized by a series of confrontations with | Chris's most celebrated technique was to sit in one place (or pace back and forth) for hours, while holding a [[sign]] that read "I am a (my age then)-Year Old, Single Male, seeking an 18-(my age then)-Year Old, Single Female Companion." Amazingly, this strategy accomplished nothing except to get him in trouble with various authority figures who believed he was loitering and/or soliciting sex. Chris was particularly traumatized by a series of confrontations with Mary Lee Walsh over his attraction techniques, resulting in an ongoing, completely one-sided blood feud. | ||
==''Sonichu''== | ==''Sonichu''== | ||
It was during the Love Quest that Chris was inspired to launch ''[[Sonichu (comic)|Sonichu]]'', a comic book series featuring his Electric-Hedgehog Pokémon. Ostensibly, the comic was intended to raise awareness of Chris's unbelievably original character, but within half an issue, the storylines began to revolve around the frankly more compelling saga of Chris's own personal issues. | It was during the Love Quest that Chris was inspired to launch ''[[Sonichu (comic)|Sonichu]]'', a comic book series featuring his Electric-Hedgehog Pokémon. Ostensibly, the comic was intended to raise awareness of Chris's unbelievably original character, but within half an issue, the storylines began to revolve around the frankly more compelling saga of Chris's own personal issues. | ||
==Megan== | ==Megan== | ||
[[Image:156-CWCMegan1.jpg|thumb|right|He can smell fear.]] | [[Image:156-CWCMegan1.jpg|thumb|right|He can smell fear.]] | ||
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==Discovery by Encyclopedia Dramatica== | ==Discovery by Encyclopedia Dramatica== | ||
Chris's rare talent was discovered when he posted an anonymous picture of [[Sonichu]] on [[4-cent garbage]]. It only took a quick Google search of Chris’s name to discover the picture’s author, and Chris's miserable existence spilled over onto ED in October, [[2007]]. His life was never the same again. | Chris's rare talent was discovered when he posted an anonymous picture of [[Sonichu]] on [[4-cent garbage]]. It only took a quick Google search of Chris’s name to discover the picture’s author, and Chris's miserable existence spilled over onto ED in October, [[2007]]. His life was never the same again. | ||
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{{main|2009}} | {{main|2009}} | ||
Chris continues to live at home with his parents, living off the $750 | Chris continues to live at home with his parents, living off the $750 [[monthly tugboat]] he receives from the federal government for his autism. He has grown increasingly withdrawn, as trolls have tempted him with the slim hope that there is a vast Sonichu [[fan base]] full of pretty girls who want to have sex with him if he will only stick things up his ass and masturbate over the Internet. | ||
==See also== | ==See also== | ||
Revision as of 17:29, 14 December 2009
This article is about Christian Weston Chandler, the Internet's favorite autistic manchild.
For Chris's fictionalized version of himself from the Sonichu comics, see Christian Weston Chandler (comic character).
For Chris's electric hedgehog alter ego, see Chris-Chan Sonichu.
For the time Chris temporarily gained weight and became stupid(er), see Sammy.
For the brown-striped impostor real Christian Weston Chandler, see CChanSonichuCWC.
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This article is rated M for Honest Content
It may contain content deemed not safe for work. Reader discretion is advised.
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Christian Weston Chandler (born Christopher Weston Chandler on 24 February 1982) is a perverse, narcissistic, homophobic, sexist, racist, overweight, delusional "high-functioning autistic" virgin man-child, and creator of Sonichu, a brilliant crossover of Sonic the Hedgehog and Pikachu starring in his own self-titled online comic book.
His adult life has been largely defined by his goal of developing Sonichu into a hit video game franchise and his Love Quest to obtain a "boyfriend-free, 18-[my current age]-year old, caring, smoke-free, non-alcoholic white girl" to make into a "sweetheart from the ground-up."
In late 2007, he became Internet-famous when he caught the attention of 4chan and Encyclopedia Dramatica. The initial fascination was spurred on by his willingness to wear a homemade Sonichu medallion in public, his laughably childlike artwork about his unoriginal Sonic recolor, and his history of loitering in public places while literally holding up a sign asking women to talk to him. His reaction to the ensuing mockery led to even greater scrutiny of his life, revealing still more disturbing facts about him. Yes, friends, it gets far worse.
Aliases
Much like the devil, Christian Weston Chandler goes by many names. He was born "Christopher Weston Chandler," but changed to "Christian" at the behest of the bear conductor. In either case, he answers to "Chris" and "Chris-Chan." Unusually Chris will often refer to himself by his full name, or for even greater accuracy "Christopher Christian Weston Chandler." He is unusually proud of his initials "CWC" and often incorporates them into his creations and various puns on the word "quick".
Chris took Spanish in high school and has since decided that his Spanish nickname is "Ricardo" — this is justified, as many high school classes will encourage the students to choose Spanish nicknames which may not always match the student's real name. Hence, when speaking or writing in Spanish he will refer to himself as "Ricardo Weston Chandler" or "RWC." At times he will literally announce himself as "'Christopher' Christian 'Ricardo' Weston Chandler," or variants thereof.
He occasionally uses the names of his characters, most notably his evil twin, Reldnahc Notsew Naitsirhc and of course Sonichu. In his comics, Chris has the ability to transform into a superheroic hedgehog himself, named Chris-Chan Sonichu.
The only names commonly used to refer to Chris which he did not himself invent are "Chrissy" (popularized by Arjen Van Dierten) and Ian Brandon Anderson (popularized by CChanSonichuCWC).
Overview
- Main articles: Chris and sex, Chris and the Law, Chris and Health, Chris and Anger, Megan, Clyde Cash, CWC-ism, and 14 Branchland Court
Chris is a timid, self-absorbed little man who has been allowed—by his parents and/or his autism—to eternally live like a child, amassing toys and video games into a single bedroom in his parents' house. Now approaching thirty, he is so comfortable in his pitiful existence that he refuses to conform to the rules of society, such as "you have to bathe regularly" and "you can't sit in a store all day waiting for people to talk to you" and "if you keep shitting your pants you should be more careful when you think you're just going to fart." Although the public school system forced society and Chris to put up with one another, Chris is now free to stay indoors and not do anything he doesn't want to do. Accordingly, Chris has never held a steady job or had any meaningful relationship with a woman (or hardly anyone, actually).
Chris is obsessed with his character Sonichu, to the point that he hand-crafted several medallions in the shape of Sonichu and related characters. Between February 2004 and March 2009, Chris was rarely seen or photographed without one of these totems, even wearing them in his driver's license photo and to his college graduation. He is absolutely convinced that everyone wants to learn all about Sonichu, and that the only reason Nintendo, Sega, and Sony haven't approached him about making Sonichu games is that they're trying to be tough negotiators.
Chris cannot draw. At all. Every single person on the planet could draw better at age seven than Chris could at age 23, when the hand-drawn premiere issue of Sonichu was released. What makes it even funnier is that his art is the closest thing he has to an actual talent.
Chris is the dangerous combination of the emotional maturity of a six-year-old and the sexual maturity of a young adult male, and as a result, he has little understanding or appreciation of women. To him, all women as little more than objects that could potentially provide for him emotionally, sexually, and financially. It appears that everything he knows about sex has been learned from sex ed classes and porn. For some reason, he believes he knows more about sex and women than whoever he is talking to (such as women who have had sex), which inevitably results in hilarity.
Also, Chris absolutely hates gay men, and communicates this to such a degree that observers are easily convinced he's simply terrified of becoming gay himself. Surprisingly, this seems to have little basis in his religious beliefs, as he had not noticed Leviticus 18:22 condemns homosexuality until he saw it on a 2009 episode of Family Guy. He cannot bear to look at another man's penis, and he stares at Sailor Moon to keep himself straight. Oh, he also swallows his own semen and wears a bra.
Early life
Chris claims his first word, "monkey," was spoken at 6 weeks old,[1] and he remains proud of this feat well into his twenties.
Allegedly, an abusive babysitter who was alone with Christopher every day for years;[2] locked him in a room[1] Chris apparently misses the irony in the fact the he now locks himself in a room. He identifies the locking as the source of his autism. Between the ages of one and seven, Chris did not speak at all, and had to attend James Madison University for speech therapy.
During the 1980s, Christopher was playmates with Sarah Hammer. One day, she convinced him that Casper the Friendly Ghost lived in the crawlspace under her house, and when he crawled in there to look she locked him in,[3] beginning Chris's lifelong career of getting trolled. Apparently, he doesn't seem to show any hard feelings over it (possibly just because she's a girl), because if a boy did that to him, Chris would vow vengeance.
In 1989, noted furry conductor Leonard Bearstein misheard Christopher's first name and called him "Christian", which convinced Christopher to later have his name legally changed.
Chris spent the 1990-1991 school year in 4th grade at Nathanael Greene Elementary School, until his parents pulled him out of classes over a mysterious dispute. Chris believes he was forcefully restrained by the school's faculty[4] and that he was made to sit on the lap of the principal, the latter being the cause for his homophobia. It’s possible that Chris's opinions about these events are colored more by his parents' attitudes than his own memories. The issue went to court, with Greene County seeking to have Chris institutionalized. Chris was home-schooled through 5th grade during these proceedings. When the family exhausted all legal recourse, Chris and his father relocated to Richmond so that Chris could continue his education under a different school system, starting with 6th grade in fall 1992.[1]
Even as a baby, he was unusually ugly.
Age 3, actually a pretty cute kid.
Holding a prototype Sonichu ball.
Chris's taste in clown shirts begins, coupled with his infamous "deer in headlights" stare.
Super Sonic winner
- Main article: Sonic the Hedgehog Watch & Win Sweepstakes
At age 11, Chris entered and won the Sonic the Hedgehog Watch & Win Sweepstakes. On his 12th birthday, he enjoyed a $1,000 shopping spree at Kay-Bee Toys as his prize. Local news coverage of the event focused on Chris's autism, regarding the contest win as a more worthy accomplishment due to his mental condition. Chris put footage from this newscast on YouTube long before he was known to Encyclopedia Dramatica, and it remains the most solid evidence that he is not some elaborate troll.
This incident is often cited as the beginning of Chris leveraging his autism for special treatment and his fascination with toys and video games at the expense of maturity. It has lead Chris to constantly enter contests in hopes of winning big (or else becoming infuriated when he loses).
Adolescence
Chris spent much of his time in high school playing video games at home, reading R.L. Stine, and hanging out with his "gal-pals" and "friend" at school. It was at this time that his "creative talents" were put to use, with the inventions of Bionic the Hedgehog and Sonichu.[5] Chris was on the honor roll and acquired the true source of his powers, his high school ring.
Because the art award he wanted was given to someone else, Chris cried like a little bitch during his graduation. He honestly thought he deserved the award more than anyone else because he worked on it so hard in spite of his autism. Another reason for his crying was the fact he had to grow up and start acting like an adult.[6]
Since leaving high school and the happiest years of his life, Chris has been unable to progress mentally or personally at all, and remains trapped in a childish, Year 2000 time-warp, as he believes that it's what helped him attract females. That his high-school gal-pals have moved on and married real men with jobs is of little consequence to him.
| Chris's (non)award winning art work |
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Piedmont Virginia Community College
Chris's entry into community college probably eased his inability to cope with life after high school. He took courses in Computer Aided Drafting and Design and began putting great emphasis on Sonichu, launching a retarded newsletter and circulating it on the PVCC campus. Over time, he began losing touch with his gal-pals from high school, and he presumably found the junior college crowd less willing to humor him and his bullshit.
Chris was kicked out of PVCC for one year by Mary Lee Walsh in 2004, although he eventually returned, obtaining an associate's degree in May 2006.
After college, Chris promptly dropped out of society, devoting his life to finding a boyfriend-free girl, drawing Sonichu, masturbation and using his welfare money to buy video games and sex toys.
Love quest
Chris says he decided he needed a sweetheart in February 2003. Possibly driven by his discovery that Sarah Hammer had begun dating Wes Iseli, Chris started his Love Quest in earnest that summer. However, he quickly found that every girl he talked to had a boyfriend… allegedly. Chris soon became neurotic about the "Infinitely-High Boyfriend-Factor" and began employing various bizarre methods to attract women without approaching them or speaking to them.
Chris's most celebrated technique was to sit in one place (or pace back and forth) for hours, while holding a sign that read "I am a (my age then)-Year Old, Single Male, seeking an 18-(my age then)-Year Old, Single Female Companion." Amazingly, this strategy accomplished nothing except to get him in trouble with various authority figures who believed he was loitering and/or soliciting sex. Chris was particularly traumatized by a series of confrontations with Mary Lee Walsh over his attraction techniques, resulting in an ongoing, completely one-sided blood feud.
Sonichu
It was during the Love Quest that Chris was inspired to launch Sonichu, a comic book series featuring his Electric-Hedgehog Pokémon. Ostensibly, the comic was intended to raise awareness of Chris's unbelievably original character, but within half an issue, the storylines began to revolve around the frankly more compelling saga of Chris's own personal issues.
Megan
In 2005, Chris met Megan Schroeder, an unusual woman in that she was willing to talk to him for more than five minutes. The two quickly became close friends, although Megan claimed to have recently endured a bad break-up and refused to consider Chris's obvious romantic pursuits. Chris, being totally smooth with women due to countless hours of studying them in porn and animé, believed that the key to turning Megan's platonic feelings romantic was to make inappropriate advances toward her until she had to tell him to stop touching her.
In the summer of 2007, Chris put it all on the line by entering the PaRappa the Rapper Contest so that he could win prizes and a trip for two to Seattle, with which he planned to finally score with Megan. The contest ended in disaster for Chris, as he lost to the dreaded Adam Stackhouse and finally learned that Megan wouldn't have gone with him on the trip even if he had won.
Discovery by Encyclopedia Dramatica
Chris's rare talent was discovered when he posted an anonymous picture of Sonichu on 4-cent garbage. It only took a quick Google search of Chris’s name to discover the picture’s author, and Chris's miserable existence spilled over onto ED in October, 2007. His life was never the same again.
Chris completely mishandled his reaction to ED, beginning a series of videos demanding the removal of the article about him on the site. When ED suffered outages unrelated to this crusade, Chris took credit and declared victory, guaranteeing that he would be under constant fire from trolls for years to come. ED's abuse of Chris only moderately abated when the site's users began to fight amongst themselves about whether it was lulzy or faggy to continue harassing him. The resulting schism led to the creation of CWCki, which only expanded coverage of Chris's hijinks.
Chris today
- Main article: 2009
Chris continues to live at home with his parents, living off the $750 monthly tugboat he receives from the federal government for his autism. He has grown increasingly withdrawn, as trolls have tempted him with the slim hope that there is a vast Sonichu fan base full of pretty girls who want to have sex with him if he will only stick things up his ass and masturbate over the Internet.
See also
- Christian Weston Chandler (comic character), Chris's depiction of himself within his own comics.
- Scrapbook of Fail, a sampling of Chris's artistic masterworks
- Hundreds of personal photographs assembled for use in Chris's autobiographical DVD
- Chris-chan Sonichu, Chris's furry alter ego.
References
- ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 User:ChrisChanSonichu profile#His Early Years - Birth to 1992
- ↑ 6 March 2007 email from Cole to Chris, page 3
- ↑ Chris + Sarah's Life-Shares, page 4
- ↑ Captain's Log, Stardate November 7th, 2007
- ↑ Sonichu 7, [page 22 http://cogsdev.110mb.com/sonichu/SchuComic8P12.htm]
- ↑ DVD, graduation note 2
External links
| Chris and... |
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