Christian Weston Chandler
This article is about Christian Weston Chandler, the Internet's favorite autistic manchild. For all other uses please visit Christian Weston Chandler (disambiguation)
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Christian Weston Chandler (born Christopher Weston Chandler on 24 February 1982), also known by his scientific name, Homo virginicus is a perverse, narcissistic, homophobic, sexist, racist, overweight, delusional "high-functioning autistic" virgin man-child, and creator of Sonichu, a brilliant crossover of Sonic the Hedgehog and Pikachu starring in his own self-titled online comic book.
His adult life has been largely defined by his goal of developing his webcomic Sonichu into a hit video game franchise and his Love Quest to obtain a "boyfriend-free, 18-[my current age]-year old, caring, smoke-free, non-alcoholic white girl" to make into a "sweetheart from the ground-up."
In late 2007, he became Internet-famous when he caught the attention of 4chan and Encyclopedia Dramatica. The initial fascination was spurred on by his willingness to wear a homemade Sonichu medallion in public, his laughably childlike artwork about his unoriginal Sonic recolor, and his history of loitering in public places while literally holding up a sign asking women to talk to him. His reaction to the ensuing mockery led to even greater scrutiny of his life, revealing still more disturbing facts about him.
Yes, friends, it gets far worse.
Aliases
Much like the devil, Christian Weston Chandler goes by many names. He was born "Christopher Weston Chandler," but changed to "Christian" at the behest of the "bear conductor." In either case, he answers to "Chris" and "Chris-Chan." Unusually, Chris will often refer to himself by his full name, or for even greater accuracy "Christopher Christian Weston Chandler." He is unusually proud of his initials "CWC" and often incorporates them into his creations and various puns on the word "quick".
Chris's nickname in his high school Spanish classes was "Ricardo," and to this day he translates his own name to "Ricardo Weston Chandler" when writing or speaking in Spanish. At times he will literally announce himself as "'Christopher' Christian 'Ricardo' Weston Chandler," or variants thereof, to precisely identify himself.
He occasionally uses the names of his characters, most notably his evil twin, Reldnahc Notsew Naitsirhc and of course Sonichu. In his comics, Chris has the ability to transform into a superheroic hedgehog himself, named Chris-Chan Sonichu.
The only names commonly used to refer to Chris which he did not himself invent are "Chrissy" (popularized by Arjen Van Dierten) and Ian Brandon Anderson (popularized by Liquid Chris). Less notably, there is also the seldom-used "Solid Chris", used by some to differentiate him from Liquid in the tradition of a certain video game series.
Overview
Chris is a timid, self-absorbed little man who has been allowed—by his parents and/or his autism—to eternally live like a child, amassing toys and video games into a single bedroom in his parents' house. Now approaching thirty, he is so comfortable in his pitiful existence that he refuses to conform to the rules of society, such as "you have to bathe regularly" and "you can't sit in a store all day waiting for people to talk to you" and "if you keep shitting your pants you should be more careful when you think you're just going to fart." Although the public school system forced society and Chris to put up with one another, Chris is now free to stay indoors and not do anything he doesn't want to do. Accordingly, Chris has never held a steady job or had any meaningful relationship with a woman (or anyone of any gender, for that matter).
Chris is obsessed with his character Sonichu, to the point that he hand-crafted several medallions in the shape of Sonichu and related characters. Between February 2004 and March 2009, Chris was rarely seen or photographed without one of these totems, even wearing them in his driver's license photo and to his college graduation. He is absolutely convinced that everyone wants to learn all about Sonichu, and that the only reason Nintendo, Sega, and Sony haven't approached him about making Sonichu games is that they're trying to be tough negotiators.
Chris cannot draw. At all. Every single person on the planet could draw better at age seven than Chris could at age 23, when the hand-drawn premiere issue of Sonichu was released. What makes it even funnier is that his art is the closest thing he has to an actual talent.
Chris is the dangerous combination of the emotional maturity of a six-year-old and the sexual maturity of a young adult male. As a result, he has little understanding or appreciation of women. To him, all women are little more than objects that could potentially provide for him emotionally, sexually, and financially. It appears that everything he knows about sex has been learned from sex ed classes and porn. For some reason, he believes he knows more about sex and women than whoever he is talking to (such as women who have had sex), which inevitably results in hilarity.
Chris absolutely hates gay men, and communicates this with such intensity that observers are easily convinced he's simply terrified of becoming gay himself. He cannot bear to look at another man's penis, and he stares at Sailor Moon to keep himself straight. Oh, he also swallows his own semen and wears a bra. Surprisingly, however, his homophobia seems to have little basis in his religious beliefs, as he had not noticed Leviticus 18:22, which condemns homosexuality, until he saw it on a 2009 episode of Family Guy.
Early life
Childhood and adolescence
Chris claims his first word, "monkey," was spoken at 6 weeks old,[1] and he remains proud of this feat well into his twenties.
An abusive babysitter, who was alone with Christopher every day for years,[2] allegedly locked him in a room at an early age.[1] Chris apparently misses the irony in the fact the he now locks himself in a room. He once identified this confinement as the source of his autism. Between the ages of one and seven, Chris did not speak at all, and had to visit James Madison University for speech therapy.
During the 1980s, Christopher was playmates with Sarah Hammer. One day, she convinced him that Casper the Friendly Ghost lived in the crawlspace under her house, and when he crawled in there to look she locked him in,[3] beginning Chris's lifelong career of getting trolled. Apparently, he doesn't hold any hard feelings over it (possibly just because she's a girl — if a guy did that to him, Chris would vow vengeance).
In 1989, noted furry conductor Leonard Bearstein misheard Christopher's first name and called him "Christian", which convinced Christopher to later have his name legally changed.
Chris spent the 1990-1991 school year in the 4th grade at Nathanael Greene Elementary School, until his parents pulled him out of classes over a mysterious dispute. Chris claims that he was forcefully restrained by the school's faculty[4] and that he was made to sit on the lap of the principal, an experience that supposedly inspired his homophobia. It's possible that Chris's opinions about these events are colored more by his parents' attitudes than his own memories. The issue went to court, with Greene County seeking to have Chris sent to a "special school." Chris was home-schooled through the 5th grade during these proceedings. When his family exhausted all legal recourse, Chris and his father relocated to Richmond so that Chris could continue his education in a different school system, starting with the 6th grade in fall 1992.[1]
At age 11, Chris entered and won the Sonic the Hedgehog Watch & Win Sweepstakes. On his 12th birthday, he enjoyed a $1,000 shopping spree at Kay-Bee Toys as his prize. Local news coverage of the event focused on Chris's autism, regarding the contest win as a more worthy accomplishment due to his mental condition. Chris put footage from this newscast on YouTube long before he was known to Encyclopedia Dramatica, and it remains the most solid evidence that he is not some elaborate troll.
This incident is often cited as the beginning of Chris's tendency to leverage his autism for special treatment, as well as his fascination with toys and video games at the expense of more mature pursuits. It has led Chris to constantly enter contests in hopes of winning big (or else becoming infuriated when he loses).
Even as a baby, he was unusually ugly. Looks kind of like Baby Selwyn from Braindead.
Age 3, actually a pretty cute kid.
Holding a prototype Sonichu ball.
Chris's taste in clown shirts begins, coupled with his infamous "deer in headlights" stare.
| More of young Christian |
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Chris spent much of his time in high school playing video games at home, reading R.L. Stine horror novels, and hanging out with his "gal pals" and "friend" at school. It was at this time that he first put his "creative talents" to use, with the inventions of Bionic the Hedgehog and Sonichu.[5] Chris was on the honor roll and acquired the true source of his powers, his high school ring.
Because the art award he wanted was given to someone else, Chris cried like a little bitch during his high-school graduation. He honestly thought he deserved the award more than anyone else because he worked on it so hard in spite of his autism. Another reason for his sorrow was his fear that he might soon have to grow up and start acting like an adult.[6]
Since leaving high school and the happiest years of his life, Chris has been unable to progress in any aspect of his life. He remains trapped in a childish, Year 2000 time-warp, as he believes that whatever he was doing at the time was what helped him attract female companions. That his high-school gal-pals have moved on and married real adult men with careers is of little consequence to him.
| Chris's (non)award winning art work |
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Adult adventures
| “ | "It is certain, that even the most ignorant and stupid peasants, nay infants, nay even brute beasts, improve by experience. | ” |
| David Hume, having never met Chris. | ||
Chris's entry into Piedmont Virginia Community College probably eased his inability to cope with life after high school. He took courses in Computer Aided Drafting and Design and began spending more time on Sonichu, launching a retarded newsletter and circulating it on the PVCC campus. Over time, he began losing touch with his gal-pals from high school, and he presumably found the junior college crowd less willing to humor him and his bullshit.
Chris says he decided he needed a sweetheart in February 2003. Possibly driven by his discovery that his old friend Sarah Hammer had begun dating Wes Iseli, Chris started his Love Quest in earnest that summer. However, he quickly found that every girl he talked to had a boyfriend… allegedly. Chris soon became neurotic about the "Infinitely-High Boyfriend-Factor" and began employing various bizarre methods to attract women without actually having to approach them or speak to them.
Chris's most celebrated technique involved sitting in one place (or pacing back and forth) for hours, holding a sign that read "I am a (my age then)-Year Old, Single Male, seeking an 18-(my age then)-Year Old, Single Female Companion." Amazingly, this strategy accomplished nothing beyond getting him into trouble with various authority figures who believed that he was loitering and/or soliciting sex. Chris was particularly traumatized by a series of confrontations with Mary Lee Walsh over his attraction techniques, resulting in an ongoing, completely one-sided blood feud.
After a series of confrontations featuring increasingly bizarre and threatening behavior on Chris's part, Walsh expelled him for one year in 2004. He eventually returned, however, obtaining an associate's degree in May 2006.
After college, Chris promptly dropped out of society, devoting his life to finding a boyfriend-free girl, drawing Sonichu, masturbating and using his welfare money to buy video games and sex toys.
In 2005, Chris met Megan Schroeder at a local game and card shop. Megan proved unusual in that she was willing to talk to Chris for more than five minutes. The two quickly became close friends, although Megan claimed to have recently endured a bad break-up and refused to entertain Chris's obvious romantic interest. Chris, being totally smooth with women due to countless hours of studying them in porn and anime, believed that the key to turning Megan's platonic feelings romantic was to make inappropriate advances toward her until she had to tell him to stop touching her.
In the summer of 2007, Chris put it all on the line by entering the PaRappa the Rapper Contest so that he could win prizes and a trip for two to Seattle, which formed the centerpiece of his plan to finally score with Megan. The contest ended in disaster for Chris, as he lost to the dreaded Adam Stackhouse and finally learned that Megan wouldn't have gone with him on the trip even if he had won.
It was during the Love Quest that Chris was inspired to launch Sonichu, a comic book series featuring his Electric-Hedgehog Pokémon. Ostensibly, the comic was intended to raise awareness of Chris's unbelievably original character, but within half an issue, the storylines began to revolve around the frankly more compelling saga of Chris's own personal issues.
Discovery
Chris's rare talent was discovered when he posted an anonymous picture of Sonichu on 4-cent garbage. It only took a quick Google search of Chris's name to discover the picture's author, and Chris's miserable existence spilled over onto Encyclopedia Dramatica in October 2007. His life was never the same again.
Upon learning of the "Chris-chan" article on ED, Chris released a single YouTube video attempting to diplomatically convince the site to remove the page. Failing in this he then spent the next several months vandalizing the article in the vain hope of overwhelming his enemies. This catastrophically backfired as Chris, in an attempt to prove himself as lurid as the trolls, revealed a great deal of embarrassing information, most notably a self-portrait of himself fingerbanging Megan that ruined his most important relationship at the time. By the spring of 2008 Chris would be banned from both his favorite hangout and his parents' church for reasons at least partially related to information brought to light by the ED article.
In August 2008 Chris declared war upon Encyclopedia Dramatica in a series of videos, threatening to withhold publication of the upcoming Sonichu 7 unless his vast fan base rallied to force ED to remove the "Chris-chan" article. When ED suffered outages unrelated to this crusade, Chris took credit and declared victory, guaranteeing that he would be under constant fire from trolls for years to come. This began an endless cycle in which Chris would produce videos, comics, and hair-brained schemes to attack the trolls, which would in turn encourage more and more trolls to provoke him for his hilarious responses.
The cycle was briefly disrupted in the fall of 2008 when Chris sent his various medallions to his fake internet girlfriend, who immediately destroyed them and broke up with him. This emotional heartbreak and the release of LittleBigPlanet reduced Chris's output of videos and other sources of lulz. At the same time, Encyclopedia Dramatica began cracking down on trolls using Chris's ED page as a forum for discussing him, and in general opinion was divided as to whether it was lulzy or faggy to continue harassing him. The resulting schism led to the creation of numerous websites (such as this one singularly devoted to trolling Chris, which only expanded coverage of Chris's hijinks.
Chris today
By late 2008 trolls controlled many aspects of Chris's life by posing as dedicated fans, cartoonish enemies, and prospective business partners. Chris's ego and naivete readily embraced this world in which every woman wanted to fuck him, and every man was either trying to help him sell Sonichu products or steal the franchise for their own nefarious goals. Trolls would begin denoting major events in Chris's life as "sagas" such as the Miyamoto Saga, the Julie Saga, the Ivy Saga, the Liquid Saga, and the Asperchu Saga. All the while, the CWCki maintains a constant record of these events, ensuring that Chris cannot selectively ignore his own history.
Following his disastrous failure to woo a real girl in March 2010, Chris began to realize what anyone else would have figured out a long time ago: his toxic internet presence is having a detrimental effect upon his real life, and each new video he creates only makes it worse. This appears to be connected to a reduction in his online presence, and the disappearance of his medallion and his striped shirts. Of late Chris has become paranoid and has grown more suspicious of anyone online, imploring everyone to meet him in person if they really want to get to know him. Of course, Chris has a penchant for lying his ass off, so talking to him in real life is as pointless as talking to him online. Also, his desire to avoid being fooled has not made him any better at doing it, and trolls can be assured that sooner or later he'll fall for some "girl" that asks him to shove stuff up his ass. No matter how hard he tries to avoid the trolling, he will always inexplicably find someone to troll him.
Today Chris continues to live with his parents, living off the money he receives from the federal government as compensation for his autism, which allegedly renders him incapable of contributing to society. Since he has no job and is usually banned from any place he visits for more than thirty minutes, Chris has few social outlets and has grown increasingly withdrawn. In his desperate need for attention, he repeatedly returns to the trolls, unwittingly proving that the only people who will put up with him are those who just want him to do something stupid for them to laugh at.
Featured fan videos
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See also
- Christian Weston Chandler (comic character), Chris's depiction of himself within his own comics.
- Scrapbook of Fail, a sampling of Chris's artistic masterworks
- Hundreds of personal photographs assembled for use in Chris's autobiographical DVD
- Chris-chan Sonichu, Chris's furry alter ego.
References
External links
| Chris and... |
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